Friar’s Random Short Lists
Comic strip women that I think would be pretty hot in real life.
– Blondie (Or her neighbor Tootsie. Except for hair color, they’re interchangeable).
– Lois (Hi’s wife…not bad looking, after having had four kids).
– Miss Buxley (the hot secretary on Beetle Bailey).
– Any typical woman in Marvel or DC comics (super-heroines, or otherwise).
Four comic strip females I wouldn’t be caught dead with in real life. Even at gunpoint.
– Cathy (Aacck!)
– Helga (Hagar’s wife). Just like the fat lady that sings in the Opera.
– Blanche (the Wizard of Id’s wife)
– Cora Dithers (Dagwood’s boss’s wife…a clone of Blanche).
Four potential names for a family restaurant
– T.J. McFustecluck’s Good-Time Eating Emporium
– Butt-Crack McFinnigans
– McGarnaggle’s Crust Shack
– The Country Abatoir
Five things I like about The Superfriends
– For the benefit of the audience, they constantly explain what they have to do. “I’ll got to stop that avalanche from destroying that village!”
– For the benefit of the audience, they give closure when a task is completed: “There…THAT should stop that avalanche!”
– For the benefit of the audience, they let you know when the villain is no longer a threat: “There…THAT should stop you, Bizarro-Superman!”
– For the benefit of the audience, they describe an impending threat in very specific detail: “Batman, …the magic amulet that the evil Demon-Soldlier has stolen has opened up a time portal in the side of that mountain…causing lava to flow out of control, in our general direction….WATCH OUT!”
– Batman and Robin have no super powers to speak of, but they’re still more useful than Aquaman.
Supporting McDonald-Land Characters: “Where are they Now?”
Grimace: Gainfully employed as the voice of Patrick on SpongeBob Squarepants.
Mayor McCheese: Resigned from office after shady French-Fry scandal with the Hamburglar. Now lives in a a trailer park outside of Quartzite, Arizona.
Captain Crook: Earns a modest living performing as an extra in the Vegas Cirque de Soleils’ “A Tribute to Sea-men Pirate Extravaganza.”
Officer Big Mac: Retired from the McDonaldLand Police force in 1988. Died of a massive heart attack in 1992.
“Clue” Scenarios that might not be rated “G”.
Miss Scarlett. With Miss White. And with Mr. Green. In the bedroom. (Way to go, Mr. Green!)
Profressor Plum. In the closet. Trying to come out.
Miss. Juggs. In the study. On a trapeze. With a circus elephant.
Five random things that should be banned, if I ran the planet
– Cranberries in breakfast cereals, salads, and trail mix. (Keep ’em in beverage form, or with Thanksgiving turkey sauce, where they belong).
– Crows (damned things squawk outside my house every morning at 6:00 AM). Someone get a pellet gun.
– Those lame-ass playground swings made of rubber that crush your hips. (Bring back the wooden ones that you could jump off of!)
– Womens’ haircuts shorter than mine.
– Unless you’re a biker or Aboriginal/First nations, pony tails on guys.
Top Five Curse Words from 1895
– Land Sakes!
– Consarn It!
– My Word!
– Goodness Me!
Six random things you coudln’t make ME do, even at gunpoint
– Tai Chi
– See a live production of “Cats” or the “Phantom.”
– Be vegetarian for more than one consecutive meal.
– Attend a classical music concert, without having a giggle fit.
– Be truly, sincerely sorry that I just farted.