Self-Improvement Tips, in Two Steps or Less
You know, I must be a real screw-up. Because it seems everyone in Blogo-Land is an expert on how to live a full life, except ME.
And everyone’s made these itemized lists on what I should do, and what I shouldn’t do. Where it’s implied that I’ll be a better, happier person, if I’ll JUST ONLY follow their expert advice.
“12 tips on how to breathe and metabolize oxygen…16 tips on how to attain Nirvana…18 tips on how to shave your cat”…etc.
TOO MANY LISTS.
I’ve decided to simplify things. After extensive research, I’ve combined all these lists, and I’ve summarized everything (below).
Think of it as Friar’s Life 101.
Most effective way to learn a foreign language
1. Move to the foreign country. Preferably a middle-eastern one.
2. Tear up your passport…YOU’LL learn! (Whether you like it or not).
How to earn a living while blogging at home
1. Marry (or move in with) someone who has a decent income.
2. Allow them to slog it out 40 hours a week at their crummy job, while you sit at home and Tweet about what the cat ate for breakfast.
How to combat writer’s block
1. Oh, for Chrissakes, just GO OUTSIDE and get some fresh air and exercise.
2. Do I really need to TELL you this?
A radical new way to lose weight
1. Eat less, and exercise more.
2. (Shhh.) Don’t tell anybody.
How to follow your Dreams
1. Dream something.
2. Make it happen. (Don’t ask me how…what am I, an expert or something? That’s YOUR problem..just DO IT!)
How to self-fulfill and find that perfect job
1. Find something you really, REALLY like to do.
2. Convince someone to pay you big bucks to do it. (Good luck with that,eh?)
How to attain happiness
1. Never allow yourself to get upset over anything you can’t control. If you feel bad, it’s YOUR fault, because you CHOOSE to.
2. Getting a frontal lobotomy helps.
How to find your perfect soul-mate
1. When you see someone you like, ask them out.
2. Repeat Step #1 . Until you connect with that “Special Someone”.
How to make your marriage work
1. Men, leave the toilet seat DOWN, not up.
2. Also remember those two words: “Yes, dear”.
How to get those six-pack abs
1. Exercise, exercise, exercise. And proper diet.
2. Oh, I forgot to mention. You also have to be born with perfect genes.
How to be happy
1. Stop buying all those goddamn self-help books.
2. With the time and money you save, buy yourself something nice. Or go on a trip.
How to eat healthy
1. Take everything you love to eat that tastes good, and stop eating it.
2. Forage for nuts and berries like our ancestors did.
How to eat unhealthy
1. Rember the Four Basic Food Groups: Sugar, Salt, Caffeine and Fat.
2. Don’t forget to book your angioplasty with the cardiologist.
How to increase your intelligence (or at least, appear to)
1. Buy Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations.
2. Cut and paste, whenever the chance arises.
How to come up with a fresh, original idea for your new Blog
1. Read a self-help book from the 1970’s that everyone’s forgotten about.
2. Rewrite it in your own words. Then try to sell it as an E-book.
How to be Creative
1. If you need this explained to you, I’m sorry, you’re not very creative. Actually, you’re beyond help.
2. Go back to watching Oprah.
How to increase your followers on Twitter
1. Follow everyone you meet.
2. Repeat Step #1.
How to spend more time with your Family
1. Go the hardware store and buy a medium-sized ball-peen hammer
2. Smash your laptop. Go outside and play with your kids.
How to earn six figures, sitting at your computer, without having to work your arse off.
1. Buy a one-way bus ticket to La-La Land.
2. Because that’s about the only place where that’s gonna happen.