Self-Improvement Tips, in Two Steps or Less

You know, I must be a real screw-up.  Because it seems everyone in Blogo-Land is an expert on how to live a full life, except ME.

And everyone’s made these itemized lists on what I should do, and what I shouldn’t do.   Where it’s implied that I’ll be a better, happier person, if I’ll JUST ONLY follow their expert advice.

“12 tips on how to breathe and metabolize oxygen…16 tips on how to attain Nirvana…18 tips on how to shave your cat”…etc.

Argh.

TOO MANY LISTS.

I’ve decided to simplify things.  After extensive research, I’ve combined all these lists,  and I’ve summarized everything (below).

Enjoy.

Think of it as Friar’s Life 101.

************************************************

Most effective way to learn a foreign language
1. Move to the foreign country.  Preferably a middle-eastern one.
2. Tear up your passport…YOU’LL learn!  (Whether you like it or not).

How to earn a living while blogging at home
1.  Marry (or move in with) someone who has a decent income.
2.  Allow them to slog it out 40 hours a week at their crummy job, while you sit at home and Tweet about what the cat ate for breakfast.

How to combat writer’s block
1. Oh, for Chrissakes, just GO OUTSIDE and get some fresh air and exercise.
2. Do I really need to TELL you this?

A radical new way to lose weight
1. Eat less, and exercise more.
2. (Shhh.)   Don’t tell anybody.

How to follow your Dreams
1. Dream something.
2. Make it happen.  (Don’t ask me how…what am I, an expert or something?  That’s YOUR problem..just DO IT!)

How to self-fulfill and find that perfect job
1. Find something you really, REALLY like to do.
2. Convince someone to pay you big bucks to do it.  (Good luck with that,eh?)

How to attain happiness
1.  Never allow yourself to get upset over anything you can’t control.  If you feel bad, it’s YOUR fault, because you CHOOSE to.
2. Getting a frontal lobotomy helps.

How to find your perfect soul-mate
1. When you see someone you like, ask them out.
2. Repeat Step #1 .   Until you connect with that “Special Someone”.

How to make your marriage work
1. Men, leave the toilet seat DOWN, not up.
2.  Also remember those two words:  “Yes, dear”.

How to get those six-pack abs
1. Exercise, exercise, exercise.  And proper diet.
2. Oh, I forgot to mention.  You also have to be born with perfect genes.

How to be happy
1.  Stop buying all those goddamn self-help books.
2. With the time and money you save, buy yourself something nice.  Or go on a trip.

How to eat healthy
1. Take everything you love to eat that tastes good,  and stop eating it.
2. Forage for nuts and berries like our ancestors did.

How to eat unhealthy
1. Rember the Four Basic Food Groups:  Sugar, Salt, Caffeine and Fat.
2. Don’t forget to book your angioplasty with the cardiologist.

How to increase your intelligence (or at least, appear to)
1.  Buy Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations.
2. Cut and paste, whenever the chance arises.

How to come up with a fresh, original idea for your new Blog
1.   Read a self-help book from the 1970’s that everyone’s forgotten about.
2.  Rewrite it in your own words.  Then try to sell it as an E-book.

How to be Creative
1.   If you need this explained to you,  I’m sorry, you’re not very creative.  Actually, you’re  beyond help.
2.  Go back to watching Oprah.

How to increase your followers on Twitter
1. Follow everyone you meet.
2. Repeat Step #1.

How to spend more time with your Family
1.  Go the hardware store and buy a medium-sized ball-peen hammer
2.  Smash your laptop.  Go outside and play with your kids.

How to earn six figures, sitting at your computer,  without having to work your arse off.
1.   Buy a one-way bus ticket to La-La Land.
2.  Because that’s about the only place where that’s gonna happen.

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26 Comments on “Self-Improvement Tips, in Two Steps or Less”

  1. feefifoto Says:

    Thanks Friar! I’m now well on my way to Perfection.

    I especially like the section about the ball peen hammer.

  2. Friar Says:

    @Fee

    The advantage of the ball-peen hammer, is that is has multi-uses.

    You can also apply the same technique to your cell phone, CrackBerry and TV.

  3. Captain Push Says:

    How to make your marriage work
    1. Men, leave the toilet seat DOWN, not up.
    2. Also remember those two words: “Yes, dear”.

    I’ve perfected this. So far, so good!

  4. Randi Says:

    Actually, I prefer men to leave the toilet seat UP. It makes it easier for me to clean all the pee they shot everywhere.

  5. Friar Says:

    @Captain
    All rigth! You’re on the right track!

    Being single, I don’t have to adhere to these rules. But it’s good to know them, just in case.

    @Randi
    I never understood guys who piss on their own seat like that.

    For crying out loud…if it’s your own house…you’re gonna have to SIT THERE, sooner or later.

  6. Liz Says:

    How about: How to be an overnight success? Don’t tell anyone it really took you 10 years of hard work, sacrifice and a lot of money to get there.

    Hahaha Original idea for your new blog–rewrite a self-help book from 1970. You gotta love regurgitation instead of imagination.

    And I prefer to quote Prof. F. Meigh…(wink)

  7. Friar Says:

    @Liz

    Heh heh. Good one! 😉

    Also, when you run a successful six-figure business, don’t tell anyone that you have to work 70 hours a week to maintain it.

    Yes. Professor F. Meigh is my favorite source of inspiration. He’s one of the brightest minds of the 21st Century, I reckon.

  8. Brett Legree Says:

    Nothing new under the sun, they say.

    A lot of people follow David Allen’s Getting Things Done (GTD) method.

    Heck, I even own the book myself (but it was too boring for me to finish reading…)

    But I wonder how many people know that one of the core parts of the GTD system, the “tickler file”, was patented in 1888.

    http://castingoutnines.wordpress.com/2008/09/15/monday-gtd-moment-the-tickler-file-circa-1888/

    That’s right, kids. Find an old idea that is good but forgotten, wrap a book around it, a blog and so forth, and make your fortune.

  9. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    If you wait long enough, everything old is new again (Especially if the patents have run out).

    I’m waiting for an E-book telling me how to win friends in influence people.

  10. Mary Says:

    Great list.

    The marriage one cracked me up. “Yes, Dear” gets old after a while. I like a man with a backbone. But that’s just me. 🙂

    I think too many people have the eating unhealthy one down…at least step one.

  11. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Seems to me people offer advice that seems to work for them.

    For example. If you want to be happier, go buy a motorcycle and go for long rides.

    This works for me and a few other people.

    If you want to be more effective at work, stop drinking a 6-pack of Beck’s at night.

    This only works for Brett.

    If you want to win friends and influence people, write a sarcastic, witty yet intelligent blog called the Deep Friar.

    Nevermind, that’ll never work.

    Eyeteaguy

    8 days Frair, 8 days….

  12. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    If you want to win friends and influence people, submit sarcastic witty yet (somewhat) intelligent comments to a sarcastic witty intelligent blog.

    How’s THAT been working for you?

    PS. I don’t think I influence any people.

    But if I do…I SHOULDN’T. (Folks, don’t listen to me!)

  13. Hannah Says:

    Helping people-ie. through volunteering, etc- is another great way to be happy.:)

  14. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I have enough friends and my influene upon people is subtle yet annoying.

    Thanks for the sugestion. And I don’t listen to you. You are like the rest of us, flailing about trying to find….whatever the hell we are supposed to be looking for.

    Eyeteaguy

  15. Friar Says:

    @Hannah
    That is an excellent suggestion.

    Suprisingly, I havent’ run across too many blogs out there that have talk about volunteering. (I mean, it’s not like too many stand out in my head)

    But with all these self-help blogs out there telling us what to do…you’d THINK this would be one of the first things that would come up.

    I dunno. Maybe people just prefer to navel-gaze and talk about it..rather than DO it.

    @Eyeteaguy
    I party agree with you. I agree with the “annoying” part.

    @Mary
    Sorry, I forgot about you, there.

    Wow..that’s refreshing, to hear a woman say they prefer their hubby to have a backbone. (Based on what I’ve seen with some of my colleagues, I’d have thought otherwise) 😉

    And yes, the Unhealthy Eating thing. That’s about the only thing on my own list, that I’m doing right.

  16. XUP Says:

    Why is it called “Self” Help if it relies on a bunch of blogs/books/TV shows to implement?

  17. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    I think the only “Self” who is helped, is the author raking in all the $$$ from everyone buying his/her book!

  18. Tipper-Dawg Says:

    Did any of you two legged beasts know that it was Friar’s birthday yesterday? I don’t care so much about birthdays … do you want to play ball? WOOF!

    Self improvement Tip-per #1
    How to make friends.
    1) bring ball
    2) retrieve ball

    Self improvement Tip-per #2
    How to keep a clean environment
    1) Poo anywhere you want in the yard
    2) Have two legged beasts pick up after you

    Self improvement Tip-per #3
    How to train owners to have patience
    1) Eat rotten chicken + bones from garbage at night while two legged beasts are sleeping
    2) vomit and s*&! in house and invoke Self improvement Tip-per #2.

    Self improvement Tip-per #4
    How to create indoor sand dunes
    1) Swim in river, roll in sand
    2) Open sliding door alone and shake, fully, everywhere.

    over and out. I’m going to lay in the sun now.

    T-dawg

  19. Eyeteaguy Says:

    That’s a smart dog.
    Now all she needs is aGPS.

    Eyeteaguy

  20. Oscar Says:

    I love the list! A “best of” collection and unique viewpoints of truism and humor. Can we have shorter lists? Like three stages to enlightenment or one step to greatness.

  21. Friar Says:

    @Tipper
    I’ll be coming to visit soon, and play ball with you.

    In the mean time…Time OUT! All DONE!

    GOOD DOG.

    @Eyeteaguy
    I’d love to have had a GPS track where that stupid dog ran for the 24 days she was lost.

    @Oscar

    Shorter lists? Okayyy…I’ll try

    Three Stages to Enlightenment

    1. Choose a Deity of your choice
    2. Worship said deity
    3. Become Enlightened.

  22. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    It would look like one of those stupid “Where’s Billy?” cartoons that Family Circus used to do, with the dotted lines going all over hell’s half-acre.

  23. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    You’re probably right…the dog was found within 5 km from her house. In the almost month that she was gone she probably did circles and circles.

    You read stories about dogs finding their way home from thousands of miles away. I guess Tipper isn’t one of those dogs. 😉


  24. Great piece of writing. I appreciate and totally agree with the points. It feels really good when you can find people sharing such excellent thoughts. Thanks again for the fine piece of writing.


  25. […] Self-Improvement Tips, in Two Steps or Less « The Deep Friar […]


  26. I was on Yahoo and found your blog. Read a few of your other posts. Good work. I am looking forward to reading more from you in the future.


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