If Households Were Run The Way Large Corporations Are…

At each and every weekly family meeting, the location of the front and back door is pointed out, in case of fire.    (Just in case someone somehow forgets how to leave the house).

Mom and Dad blow $10,000 on a weekend  “retreat” at luxurious 5-star resort, for the purpose of  “determining the family’s path forward”.    Upon their return, they announce that money is tight, and there will be no more McDonald’s.   Ever.

Baby’s first words aren’t  “ma-ma” or “da-da”.   They’re  “commitment”, “challenge” and  “expectations”.

Sis is assigned as the Directing Manager of the ARF (Animals Receive Food) Committee.   After 6 months of assessment,  her first act is to put Rover on a strictly vegan diet.   Everyone applauds this decision.  (Except Rover).

The parents use lame-ass acronyms to remind the kids to do their chores.  “Remember PTA:  Put Toys Away!”     “Okay, everyone, let’s apply MOB principles!  Make our Beds!”.

A graphic artist is then hired to print these lame-ass acronyms on small laminated cards,  for family members to wear around their neck along with their Family ID.

For his allowance, Big Brother has to do three times the work his younger brother does, but they both basically get the same money.  When Big Brother questions the fairness of this, he’s profusely scolded and is told:   “Well, it might seen unfair, but that’s that way it is.”

To get a raise in their allowance, every kid has to fill out 5 pages of forms saying what they did all year, and then have a one-on-one meeting with their folks.  When all is said and done, the parents give everyone pretty much the same increase.   It’s the equivalent of one extra stick of gum a week.

Parents can be as abusive as they want, and get away with it.   If the kids complain, they’re told “At least be grateful that you have a family“.

Mom invents a new “improved” method of vacuuming the living room that accomplishes the same thing, but takes twice a long.   Everyone is forced to learn it.

Dad refuses to pay his son $5.00 to wash the car, because it’s too much.    Instead, he’ll hire his golf buddy down the street, and pay him $50.00 to do the same job.

Mom tracks how often Dad takes out the garbage on time, and calculates some kind of GDI (“Garbage Disposal Index”).   The GDI results are presented at the next Quarterly Family Meeting, using colorful Powerpoint graphs.   Nobody knows what the hell Mom’s talking about.   Not even Mom.

Any dead-beat parents are absolved of all responsibility, and are sent away with huge wads of cash.

BBQ time requires the cook to wear a face-shield, rubber apron and fire-retardant gloves.  A yellow tape barrier would mark off the back yard, preventing any unauthorized access.   A fire-truck has to be within 50 feet at all times, on stand-by.    There has to be a PSB (Pre-Steak Briefing) before the propane is even allowed to be turned on.

Meanwhile, there’s no food in the cupboards, because it’s taken 8 weeks to complete an “Optioneering Study” to decide what to put on the grocery list.

Junior’s failing report card is proudly displayed on the fridge.    Because he failed less than his other classmates did, his grades are considered a “success” to the Organization.

Nobody’s allowed in the tree-house until they have proper training in fall-arrest equipment.  Safety harnesses are required for anyone climbing about 6 feet.

There’s a 20 page procedure on how to do  the laundry.  It dates back to 1972, referring to a washing machine that no longer exists.

When baking,  Mom has to have an MSDS (Material Data Safety Sheet) for every ingredient.   The MSDS sheets have to be kept in a master 3-ring binder, by the phone, in case anyone gets injured or poisoned by eating too much sugar or flour.

A pipe breaks, and the basement’s filling with water.  But nobody’s paying any attention.   Everyone’s in the middle of a 2-hour ODM (Operational Decision Meeting) to debate the proper technique for washing your hands before supper.

Every year, the household spends twice as much money as it takes in.   But no problem.  The Government covers all costs.

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39 Comments on “If Households Were Run The Way Large Corporations Are…”

  1. XUP Says:

    This is the best Friar post ever. If you’re by any chance coming to the Ottawa Blog Out Loud, please bring this to read. I want to post this in every private and public sector office in the world. You can quit blogging now. You’ve peaked.

  2. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    Wow…Thanks. I was pleased with this post…I figured it was one of my better ones in the past month. But I didn’t expect such a positive response.

    So far, you’re the only one who’s commented. But then again, it’s the weekend. Will be interesting to see what people say on Monday.


  3. Best Post Ever 🙂

    Not just Best Friar Post.

    Best Post Ever. I’ll be handing this around…

  4. Brett Legree Says:

    And after decades of this, the government would step in, sell off the best part of the household to a foreign buddy, and hire a professional nanny from the private sector to run the remainder.

    Of course, this would mean that many of the family members would be sent to an orphanage (laid off) and the remaining members would be expected to work three times as hard, for the same pay, or face immediate termination…

    Heh heh good post…

  5. Friar Says:

    @Tony
    Heh Heh. Thanks.

    I’ve gotten lots of inspiration over the years, to help me write this post.

    I think we all have.

    @Brett

    EXACTLY! It would be like the parents getting wads of cash to leave the kids. Some kids will stay with the new Nanny, some will go to the orphanage.

    The parents announce the family will be breaking up in the near future. But nobody knows when, and nobody knows which kid gets to stay or leave.

    Of course, this just does wonders for the children’s sense of security and well-being.

    But they’re told not not to worry. Mom and Dad have Aunt Hattie provide re-assuring safety tips on how to wear sunblock outside, while they continue to whisper to each other behind closed doors.

  6. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    That’s right… the parents are saying, “Don’t worry that the house is on fire kids, keep playing Sorry! and we’ll tell you when dinner’s ready.”

  7. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    LMAO at the whole thing—it’s all so unreal, except…

    “Any dead-beat parents are absolved of all responsibility, and are sent away with huge wads of cash.”

    How’d you know what my ex got? You read my divorce settlement?

    And I *adore* your acronyms. OMG.

    This must have taken you forever—like Picasso, a lifetime to get to this one post, eh? Reeeally fine work.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  8. Captain Push Says:

    This needs to be passed around. It’s almost as if you’ve been prowling the hallowed halls of my HQ.

  9. Cali & Jody Says:

    Friar – Kelly passed along this post and we are utterly impressed (and laughing hysterically). You are right on the money with everything you wrote and shows, so plain and simply, the insanity of the current work environment. We’ll use common sense in all areas of our lives, but when we get to work, we’re brain-dead robots that allow the system to walk all over us. Come ON!

    Great job – this is FANTASTIC.

  10. Donald Mills Says:

    I agree with XUP, Friar. Your best post yet. Just hilarious. And we all know if it’s that damned funny it’s because….it’s TRUE!

    Well done.

    Don

  11. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    I graduate from University in 1987…so it took a few decades to gain the first-hand experience to write this post. But the actual post itself took less than an hour. (Got the idea while fishing) 😉

    @Captain

    Yeah, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you and I share the same employer.

    But that isnt’ saying much, because based on the comments here and from talking to everyone, it seems pretty much every company’s like this.

    @Cali and Jody

    Wow!! High praise from you two to means a lot. (And thanks to Kelly for passing on this post to you).

    It never ceases to amaze me how common sense flies OUT the window with some of these large organizations.

    I supposed that’s what happens when you let the Bean Counters win.

    Makes me wonder, though. Was the work environment ALWAYS like this? Or was there a Golden Age (decades ago) when things were relatively sane?

    @Don

    Thanks!

    I bet you’re counting your blessings, that you’ve paid your dues and you dont’ have to worry about this kind of Tom Foolery any more. I even you retired guys.

  12. Oscar Says:

    As long as the kids are sucking the electronic nipple … video games, computer, TV, texting, DS, PSP, IDOT, 360 degrees of distraction from the world here, now. Ah, yes … allows a parent to exist in peace.

    [sarcasm]

  13. XUP Says:

    You asked if things were always this insane. My answer would be to point you to the Dickens novel, Bleak House. Whenever things get particularly retarded I’m always reminded of that book, especially the ongoing legal battle which threads itself throughout the story (Jarndyce v Jarndyce)

  14. Brett Legree Says:

    XUP is right, in the “good old days”, if we go back to the 19th century, say, it would be quite likely they’d be beating us with sticks at work… or worse.

    Though things were pretty good here in the 1950’s, when they had hot and cold running money. Which kind of makes sense, if you think about it. Now that times are getting tough, the logical thing (to the managers, with old-fashioned ideas) is to crack down on us, make sure we’re chained to the cube 7.5 hours a day, no chit-chat or web surfing allowed.

    Fools!

  15. Friar Says:

    @Oscar
    Ah, yes. The electronic stuff. In households would be run like corporations, nobody would talk to each other at dinner time. They’d be busy thumbing their CrackBerries.

    @XUP
    I never read Bleak House (After doing “Oliver Twist” in English Class in high school, I had had my fill of Dickens).

    But I suppose, as long as there have been large companies, there has been corporate stupidity.

    @Brett
    I think the 50’s and 60’s would have been a pretty good time to be working for a company. (If there is such a thing as a good time to be working for a company …)

    Provided you were a white male, of course.


  16. OMG – what a hilarious post and SO true. LOVE it!

  17. steph Says:

    This made me laugh out loud…and then consider how utterly depressing it is to deal with in real life. I totally feel for you and I can’t wait till you have something better.

  18. Friar Says:

    @Army Wife
    Thanks!

    I bet your husband has similar experiences. My neighbor’s in the military, and he tells me stories about his work. The upper management mentality seems very similar to most workplaces.

    @Steph
    The sad thing is, I dont’ know of any companies that AREN’T like this.

    I think if one worked for a small consulting firm (with 5-10 employees), it would still be relatively sane. Either that, or go into business for yourself.

  19. hannah78 Says:

    “Parents can be as abusive as they want, and get away with it. If the kids complain, they’re told “At least be grateful that you have a family“.”

    Sad that this is the truth in many places of employment. Being bullied by your boss/coworkers and having your input greatly restricted? Too bad! There are people out there who are getting laid off!

    No wonder some people go nuts after working for so long! 😛

  20. Friar Says:

    @Hannah

    ….or…they pick up their toys, and go elsewhere (i.e. find another company).

  21. Patricia Says:

    Oh this is the best post Friar – Thank you and I enjoyed a great laugh – Vegan dog diet…he he he
    Thank you

  22. Tom Says:

    I came over to report on the Seattle to Portland bike ride and see if I could interest you for next year? This post is very clever and I enjoyed it very much.

    Thank you Patricia for telling me about it – a good read

  23. Friar Says:

    @Patricia
    Heh heh. Making a dog turn vegan is pretty much the type of logic you’d expect from large corporations.

    And it would be the DOG’S FAULT if it didn’t work.

    @Tom
    Hmmm..I’ll have to think about it.

    I really appreciate the offer. But getting from Ontario to Washington would be a bit hard on my budget. If it was closer, it would definetely be do-able.

  24. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar & Tom,

    You know, I’d join you for that if we could get there somehow. And I’m terribly out of shape right now but I’d get in shape for that.

  25. Friar Says:

    @Tom

    I know Friar’s Mom would be into that kind of thing (as soon as she’s allowed back on a bike). We might have to wait a few months for that.

  26. Patricia Says:

    It is way fun and takes a great deal of prep work to do it, but people come from all over to participate – there was a group of 20 from Germany this year..

    WE have found some great places to stay…have bike racks and rental places…Southwest airlines had $89 fares round trip to one destination this spring…

    Brett and Friar…lets get Friar’s mom well and work on this idea – keep our eyes open.. one can also to a 2 day option…the beer garden at the end is quite something
    and maybe your company would do matching shirts! and match the fund raising? Let’s be open

  27. Friar Says:

    @Patricia

    HAHAHAH! Sorry, I have to laugh about asking my company for funds or T-shirts.

    They won’t even provide coffee anymore. Not even for day-long training sessions where you sit in a room for 7 hours.

    From where I live, no matter how you slice it, flying to the West Coast is more along the lines of $600-$800. With my limited money and vacation time, I have a feeling that trip will be a bit too costly for me.

    But thanks for asking.

  28. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Nice post, if you like whining and griping.

    Geez man, give it a rest.

    I work at a smaller company and the upper management is desparate to teach people common sense.
    The folks on the line have it. So it seems middle management are the ones who are all brain dead, make work project creators and policy writers.

    But the post was still funny as hell.

    Eyeteaguy

    P.S. Brett gave you a stay of execution. He was “busy” this weekend so I couldn’t visit. How much beer did you have to give him to get him to say that?

  29. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Yeah…yeah..yeah. I know…you don’t like what I write. Shit or get off the pot, you’ll tell me.

    Nice to see you back.

    PS I didn’t have to bribe Brett with any beer, I didn’t see him this weekend either.

    He probably was too busy cleaning up shit. (Either his dog, and/or his kids’).


  30. […] post on If Households Were Run Like Big Corporations is so true it’s scary. If you’ve ever worked for a large corporation (or watch CNN) you […]

  31. Brett Legree Says:

    Believe me, I’d rather have had beers with you guys than clean and prep the house for a babysitter… dammit…

    Hope that Eyetea can make it up here some time before the fall.

  32. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Oh, I’ll be down before the fall. But you won’t see me.

    You will hear me though and it will be the last thing you hear. “head shot!”

  33. Brett Legree Says:

    Better bring your sniper rifle, I have developed super hearing since I’ve had four kids.

    (I imagine your hearing is pretty good too, since you’ve been a dad.)

  34. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Actually I am deaf. I have two girls who scream all the time.

    What?!

    Eyeteaguy

  35. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy and Brett

    Dunno how you parents do it.

    I got screaming free-range nephews. When they’re at their peak decibels, I can only take it for 20-30 minutes a time. That’s ENOUGH for the next 6 months, thank you very much.

    If I had to do it full-time, I’d poke my eardrums with sharp pencil.

  36. auntiehallie Says:

    BRILLIANT.

    Oh my word, this post is going to go viral. It is truly Inspired.

    Perhaps it was worth the pain of working for your current (completely effed) place of employment, just to produce that work of art. I am printing this and taking it to a barbecue this weekend.


  37. […] I worked full-time at a string of mortgage companies.  In a moment of synchronicity, I ran across an inspired string of analogies by Friar, speculating what home life would be like if families were run like corporations: The […]

  38. Melanie Says:

    I have just circulated this to many of my colleagues here at Public Safety Canada and elsewhere in the Government of Canada. What a hilarious read. Absolutely amazing. One of the best things I have ever read, hands down. Thank you.

  39. Friar Says:

    @Melanie
    Glad I could make your Civil Servant’s job a bit more enyoable….if only for a little bit. And pass the message around…that’s the only way large corporations will learn! 😉


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