Friar’s Tips for Ladies on how NOT to Attract Men.

Disclaimer: I’m just an average guy, and these are my average opinions.   I do NOT claim to be an expert on women.   Nor do I claim to be an expert on how opposite sexes attract each other.

But I do know what turns me on and turns me off.    And here’s what turns me off.

And I suspect that more than just a few guys would agree with me here.

PS.  Feel free to agree, or disagree.  Or even yell at me.

And if anyone wants to write a rebuttal post about things men do to turn off women, go right ahead. (I’m sure there’s plenty of material around.)   😉


1.  Insist on coming along on a Guys-Only  weekend
There are two types of weekend getaways:   Same Sex-Weekends, where it’s just the girls or just the guys.    Or there are Couples Weekends (where everyone’s included).    But never the twain shall meet.

All it takes is one person from the opposite sex to show up, and it changes the whole dynamics, and puts a damper on everything.     Not to mention it makes your boyfriend looked whipped in front of his buddies.

So, if there’s a bunch of guys going on a fishing weekend, and you’re the only woman…for God’s sakes, STAY HOME.

Let the boys have their fun….next time, it will be your turn to have your girl’s weekend.

2.  Try to convert him to Vegetarian

I’m not saying that guys can’t be vegetarians.    But most of us are red-blooded, bush-whackin’, huntin’ and fishin’,  bacon-eatin’ Meatatarians.

(Nyarggh!)  (*Waves drumstick in the air*)

So try to convert us if you want.   Just realize that you stand to alienate a big chunk of the male population.

3.  Bring up your kids within the first 30 seconds of conversation.

We’re not stupid.   If you’re past 30, we know it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ve already fulfilled your biological clock.   And yes, we realize that your kids are the most important thing in your life, and that they come with the package.

But if we’ve just met… and you instantly mention your kids (especially with a “take it or leave it” tone of voice) that will send us running.

Geez…we’re not looking to co-chauffeur your kids to their next karate tournament just yet.   We just want to talk to get to know you first:  as a person, not as Sippy-Cup Soccer-Mom.

4. Dress like a Dude

I see this at work all the time.   “Femineers”, I call them.  Engineering “Womyn” or Managers who have a bee in their bonnet about being a female in a male-dominated profession.   So they dress in He-Man Power Suits with NFL linebacker-sized padded shoulders to compensate.   God forbid, should they ever show a trace of femininity.

Here’s a tip to you Femineers:   Look, most of us don’t’ CARE what gender you are.  You’re just another co-worker like everyone else.

And furthermore, dressing like a Femineer does not help earn more respect.  It only brings more negative attention to yourself.   Because now we all know you have a chip on your shoulder with some kind of point to prove.

5.  Get a Dude-Cut
Guys generally like long hair on women.    Not that there’s anything wrong cutting it short.  But at least try to make it look feminine. (Jamie Lee Curtis, for example,  manages to pull it off quite nicely).

But too many ladies in their 40’s, for some reason, opt for the Uni-sex Dude-Cut.   It’s like an alarm bell goes suddenly goes off in their head: “Oooh, look.  I’ve turned 40.   I no longer have to worry about how I look…let’s cut off the tresses, and go for something that takes zero-maintenance.”

This especially does wonders for your appearance if you’re overweight.   Nothing like making your head look even smaller, in comparison to the large size of your body.

Watch it, ladies.  You’re on a slippery slope:   The Dude-Cut is one step away from the Old-Bat Brush Cut that the 70 year-0ld Polyester Ladies like to wear to Bingo.

Next, you’ll be accessorizing with huge gaudy earrings.

6.   Get that dreaded bowl-cut.

You know…the one that looks like a mushroom-cap.   Where apparently they put a bowl over your head, and cut around the edges.

Okay…WHO came up with this one?

Because I can tell you, there’s not a GUY on the planet who finds this hairstyle attractive.

(In fact, there’s a whole bunch of derogatory jokes that goes along with this look…and I wont’ go there…)

7.  Shave your Head
This one is even better.   Unless you’re doing this to show support for a friend who’s going through chemo,  this is NOT a good message to send to the opposite sex.

Not unless you want to tell men:   Back right off.

Because (provided we don’t’ work in a CD store or a tattoo parlor), we will.

8.  If you’re obese, get a Fat-Chick Blouse
I dunno what fashion design genius came up with these horrible things.   But if you want to look 30 pounds heavier,  just get one of those uni-sex Fat-Chick Blouses.

They’re typically made of straight-jacket surplus canvas,  and come  in unflattering dull colors.   With lots of extra pockets and buttons and epaulets and assorted attachments, etc…  I think they used to be tents or something.

But there’s a by-law…you have to weigh over 250 lbs. to own one.   You might as well wear a neon sign saying “Hey, lookit me, everyone, I have a weight problem.”

And before anyone yells at me for being insensitive, I sympathize.  Believe me, I do.   Because I don’t’ exactly have Abs of Steel myself.

But you won’t catch me wearing a Speedo at the beach, because it ain’t flattering.

And neither  is a Fat-Chick Blouse.

Ladies, it doesn’t have to be this way.   You can be large, but there’s plenty of nice clothing out there that will flatter you and make you look attractive.  Don’t sell yourself short.

9.  Practice several of the above.

For example, get a Dude-Cut and wear an asbestos pant-suit.

Then  start telling me why bacon is murder, while you invite yourself to my guys-only  camping trip.

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98 Comments on “Friar’s Tips for Ladies on how NOT to Attract Men.”

  1. Davina Says:

    Oh boy Friar! (Davina’s FIRST rant coming.) What IS it with men and long hair on women.

    “I no longer have to worry about how I look…let’s cut off the tresses, and go for something that takes zero-maintenance.”

    Arrrrgh! And you guys wonder what takes us so long to get ready???

    I cut my hair BECAUSE I care how I look dammit! Zero maintenance is my top priority. First off, if I let my hair grow long it sticks to my head and just hangs there… like wet noodles. THEN, to make it look NICE I have to blow dry, add some “product”, then curl. And then… go outside only to have it go FLAT and FRIZZY! Get a perm? No thanks!

    How to ATTRACT a woman? Tell her she looks great JUST the way she is.

    (Pant, pant, pant… end of rant… what a rush!). Oh yeah… 🙂

  2. Friar Says:


    Hahahah! Well said!

    (Oh, I KNEW I’d get some flack for this!) 😀

    But my point is that short hair doesn’t have to be that way. It’s still possible to keep it cropped short, but still be feminine-looking. For example, Sandy Duncan, Jamie Lee Curtis, or what’s her-name (Tasha Yar from Star Trek, TNG).

    Same thing applies in reverse, for men. You can have long hair, and still be manly (i.e. the like the Vikings). NYARRGH!!! Nobody ever made fun of Leif Erickson’s hair!

    But then there’s “Pretty-Boy” long hair that’s all feathered and frosted. That I’m sure a lot of you ladies don’t find too flattering on us guys.

  3. Davina Says:

    Yup, I do get your point, but hey, my blood boiled for a good 15 minutes after this. Hair is my pet peeve! Why do you think I don’t use a real pic for my avatar? (That’s to change sooooon, I hope.)

    I like men with long hair, or bald for that matter. As for the feathered and frosted look… well not too sure about that.

  4. Friar Says:


    Well, you see? You’re kind of iffy on the feathered frosted hair. I’m the same way with the uni-sex Dude-Cut.

    But the fact that my blog invoked such a strong emotional response is kind of flattering, in a way.

    At least it means I didn’t write something boring! 😉

  5. Kyddryn Says:

    1. Well, duh! What part of “Guys Only” is a mystery, here? Gee whiz, I’m a girl and I understand that.

    2. Ribeye, rare. It should moo when I poke it with my fork. Vegetables are side dishes, or what food eats. I’m starting to worry I may be a guy, after all.

    3. Bless you, sugar – so many women forget that they have an identity outside of “Mommy”…and more than a few are offended by women and men who insist that someone CAN be something besides Mommy or Daddy. I don’t understand the thinking…I was someone before I had a child, and that didn’t change just because I spawned…so thank you for remembering that.

    4. They may have a chip on their shoulder, but the pads make it more comfortable to carry. Ugh – I loathe shoulder pads…the eighties were a nightmare for me, had to cut pads out of everything, even pajamas! Who needs broad shoulders in freakin’ pajamas? Seriously, that’s not the kind of power play I’m thinkin’ of, relating to where one usually wears PJs.

    5 (Or it is 3, again??). Jamie Lee is a babe and could carry off any look she wanted. Just sayin’. You know what’s funny? I have hair down to my waist, and it takes less time and effort than the short-haired cuts some of my friends have. If you ever see me wearing gaudy earrings and I’m not in costume for something or being ironic, feel free to kill me.

    6 (or four, redux). That haircut makes people look like a…erm…you know what? Yeah, never mind…

    5 (I’m so confused). Oh, c’mon…Natalie Portman in V for Victory…need I say more?

    6 (still confused). Umm…I’m a fat chick…and I’ve never seen one of those blouses. Sounds like I should count myself lucky – the idea of walking about looking like a zeppelin with mooring mounts at the ready should I need to land…yeah, unappealing. I really don’t want handlers trying to reattach the ropes for the parade, either. Of course I make my own shirts and have for nearly a decade, now, so I may be a little out of the fashion loop.

    7. Meat IS murder. Tasty, tasty murder…

    Hey, Friar, I have a question for you? If the pig ate only veggies, fruits, and nuts…and you are what you eat…does the bacon count as vegan? Just wondering…

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  6. Kelly Says:

    AH HA hahaha. Get a lady going about hair…


    (not ranting just musing. Davina took care of the rant)

    I didn’t do it because I turned 40, I swear. I like dude cuts. I do that to my hair every few years… have since I was a buzz-cut college kid. I HATE having to “do” my hair, I hate that guys don’t suffer the same hair-routine issues, and sadly, I do worry about how I look and I also know that it’s a dude turn-off. Catch-22, that.

    Bald would work fine for me (!), and yep, “zero-maintenance” is exactly the phrase I use with the hairdresser. When my hair’s long all I do is stick it in a ponytail daily anyway. How’s that supposed to be attractive?

    Ah, well, can’t solve the war between the sexes today. Just have to give up on some stuff. After all, I’m 40 now…

    … and single…

    … I think I’d better read this list again.



    P.S. I usually think long hair on women of a certain age looks like they’re trying to regain something that’s GONE. Like wearing short-shorts, or leather, or bikinis, after about age 25.

  7. Sooo… do jeans and a t-shirt fall into the dressing like a guy category, or has that style become dual-gendered enough to pass? Quite possibly it would depend on the fit, yes? 😉

  8. You’re great Friar! LOVE this post!

  9. Friar Says:


    Heh heh. You’re MY kind of woman. 😉

    I don’t’ often LOL on my own blog, but I did this time, regarding the Zepplin mooring mounts! That was HILARIOUS!!! 😀

    Those blouses ARE out there…just count yourself lucky you never saw one!

    And you’re right, about the Pigs. They CAN be vegan. (So are all the herbivores, pretty much).

    It’s all part of the circle of life, and all that. Heck, it critter tastes good, I’ll eat it.

    Yeah, you cut your hair quite a while back (based on the photo on your blog). But you still most definitely look like a WOMAN.

    It’s the gender-neutral look I’m not into. When a lady wants to remove all traces of her femininity, there’s a message she’s obviously trying to send out. And good or bad, whatever it is…it’s not exactly a green-light signal for us guys.

    PS. Don’t under-estimate pony tails. IMHO, they make give someone a youthful playful appearance.

    But I do agree with what you say, regarding ladies trying to dress like they’re 20, when they’re really 45. It often just doesn’t work.

    T-shirts and Jeans have been around so long, and they DO show off the curves. So I don’t count that as a Uni-Sex He-Man Power Suit. 😉

    @Canadian Army Wife

    Phew! I’m a bit relieved to see my readers share my sense of humor. (I was half expecting to find an angry mob with pitchforks and torches in front of my house this evening!).

  10. On:

    1. That casual, sporty look.
    2. Being fun, engaging and a little crazy.
    3. Wear a baseball cap.
    4. A bold attitude.
    5. Active and unafraid.


    1. Meekness, wallflowering, and too many manners.
    2. The inability to relax and hang out
    3. Fashion advice
    4. Don’t touch my baseball cap.
    5. Fat. And tight jeans. And a crop top. *runs away*
    6. Teen ho. And I do mean ho.

    Preferred hairstyle: Long and luxurious, or tied up in a French bun (swanky!), or that sassy cropped look. Not if you’re over 50, though. Please.

  11. Friar Says:


    Hey, FINALLY, another guy showed up!

    But Shhhh…don’t mention long hair, in case Davina comes back!

  12. Kelly Says:


    My hair never behaves, short or long, undoubtedly because I don’t care much, but long takes a lot longer in the morning with the same random results. Short hair is a lot better than cranky Kelly. So there we go.


    Baseball cap on a woman: hiding hair issues. See: ponytail.

    Baseball cap on a man: Not unless you’re a ball player. On his way to a game. And running too late to put it on in the locker room.

    Does that count as fashion advice? LOL.

    Until later,


  13. Would you believe Kelly called me over? She did.

    Another to add to my list: Black eyeliner. Unless you’re Halle Berry.

    Halle Berry has short hair. SHE’S hot. See? AND I’ve seen her in sweatpants, too. Mmhm.

  14. Friar Says:


    Where I live, NOT having a ball-cap can be seen as breach in etiquette.

    That Kelly…she’s a wily one. Always trying to stir things up.

    Halle Berry. That’s another prime example of short attractive hair.

    Though I think she could wear a garbage bag, and still look good.

  15. Kelly Says:


    Remind me to stay away from Splat Creek, unless there’s a lot of baseball going on!

    Heck, I’d date Halle Berry. Even in a garbage bag. “Fine” is not a fine enough word for that woman. Ditto Jamie Lee Curtis, actually. Hm. Walking away from this discussion now…

  16. Kyddryn Says:

    Happy to provide a little levity, Friar…

    It’s nice to know I’m SOMEONE’S kinda gal…I was startin’ to feel lonely in my corner!

    Meanwhile, I will cop to using a ball cap to hide a manky head – sometimes, the hair just isn’t going to have a nice day, no matter how well I treat it – so it gets a ball cap or a kerchief if I have to go out of the house and into…gasp…public! But I’ve also worn a ball cap when I’m out in the sun and don’t want to go blind, and to contain the hair when I’m wearing headphones/communications gear at the track – long hair tangled in headset? Bad day.

    I won’t rest until I’ve seen one of those shirts…thanks…thanks a lot…

    I don’t do eyeliner, either (except for stage, and that’s a whole other ball of wax)…but I failed Girl 101, so it’s no surprise there.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  17. Kelly Says:

    “I failed Girl 101.” LOL, me too.

  18. Mer Says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! (I don’t usually use more than one exclamation point. Consider yourself blessed. ;))

    1. If I’m invited, I’m goin’ fishin’. But if I’m not invited I’ll stay home or do something else. I would like to eavesdrop, however. See what y’all talk about when we’re not around.

    (I do think this “War Between the Sexes” is silly, though.)

    2. Don’t try to convert me, either. If I could afford to eat more meant, I’d be a meatatarian I like my meat broiled /grilled /seared just past the moo.

    3. OK, my kids are all grown up. But treat your comments about them as you would talk about somebody’s mother, no matter what you think of them. Be polite. ‘Cause I love them and they’re family.

    And just for drill, ’cause y’all are younger: don’t try to tell me how to bring raise my rugrats. I always hated that. Dating me does not entitle you to tell me how to bring up my kids. You are the boyfriend, not the dad. Their dad can never be replaced. You can.

    4. Dress like a Dude?? Oh please. If you work at it, you can look feminine and intelligent in a power suit.

    I really don’t like shoulder pads because I already have the shoulders of a linebacker. I wore them in the 80’s because I was dainty in size and everything balanced out. The power suit never stopped men from ogling all the girls in our office, believe me.

    3. I only did this after I had kids. Spikes were fashionable back then. So both the FH and I spiked our hair and wore it short. Unfortunately, I didn’t really have the wardrobe to go with it.

    Yes, I’m overweight now. I don’t get my hair cut short precisely because I’d look like Zippy the Pinhead. I also keep my hair long now because I enjoy seeing how the grey streaks are showing. I get compliments on my hair because of the color(s), but the length is for my benefit not for anyone else’s. The only things I don’t like are that I can’t trim the bottom myself and that it takes so long to dry–especially in winter.

    Oh, the earrings. I don’t look good in bulky earrings and besides I don’t want my earlobes stretched all the way to San Diego. I had an elementary school nurse with the longest earlobes I’d ever seen on a woman. It did not look good. And yup, she wore those heavy earrings. I’ll wear dangly earrings, but nothing garish or heavy.

    4. Get that dreaded bowl-cut.
    You know…the one that looks like a mushroom-cap. Where apparently they put a bowl over your head, and cut around the edges.

    Okay…WHO came up with this one?

    Dorothy Hamill. It was called the wedge when it first came out, and it went through various permutations. I take it the cut is still going strong?

    I gotta tell you, though, guys can have long hair. But OMG, not a mullet!! Y’all probably don’t remember the 1970’s. Some of you probably weren’t even born until the 1970’s. I tell ya, all fashion sense just evaporated. It was a dark and stormy time. Oh yeah.

    No more mullets!

    5. Shave your Head

    I’m wondering why men do this when they’re not going bald. And why white men? Shaved heads don’t look as good on white men as they do on black men. Leave it to Shaq or whoever.

    (BTW, naturally bald men are hot.)

    6. Ha! Never! I actually wear (inexpensive) men’s black t-shirts that fall to mid-thigh with leggings. Really comfy. I have been known to wear dresses because they’re also comfortable, too. I prefer those dresses that show I still have curves to the tent dresses, but damn, if it’s hot, I’m wearing the tent. It’s way cooler.

    (Speedos are gross. Period. I don’t care who’s wearing them.)

    7. Bacon is murder only because our pigs and cows are fed to each other. I know it’s disgusting, but it’s true. They’re too dumb to know they’re being cannibals. I hope. Otherwise, we’re in deep kimchee.

  19. Mer Says:

    And no comb-overs!

  20. Karen JL Says:

    So I can lie, spit, curse, sleep around, insult your mother, get wasted, throw up on you, trash your car, steal your credit card and boil a bunny as long I basically have nice hair and the right clothes?


  21. Kelly Says:

    *falls off chair laughing*

  22. Friar Says:


    Didn’t’ Betty Crocker teach Girl 101? (I think that curriculum hasn’t’ been updated since 1973, though).

    Oh, the LAST thing I’d do is try to tell someone how to raise their kids. Because that’s an argument I know I’d automatically LOSE. (And then get shown the door).

    But (and this HAS happened to me), if a kid is being rude and mouthing me off (and the parent’s doing nothing) I’m going to politely say few words to their precious little darling.

    I still see variations of the bowl-cut, from time to time. (Moe Howard would be proud!)

    I don’t know why men shave their head. Maybe they’re starting to get a widow’s peak, and they figure they’ll just remove the hair altogether, to hide the fact that they’re slowly balding.

    Never understood comb-overs. (Umm…..WHO do they think they’re actually fooling?). Do these guys think we’re THAT stupid?

    Well…yup. That’s about right.

    Sad. But true. We guys are kinda stupid, that way.


    Oh, BEHAVE.

  23. Captain Push Says:

    Hmmm. I want to screw up things here. What about Ilia from Star Trek The Movie? (Never mind Tasha Yar)

    Bald can be beautiful!

  24. Ed Says:

    Wow! Another great and imaginative blog. Well done Friar. I remember having long hair back in the 70s when it was standard for men. It was a lot of bother. I have a “towel comb” style now that is easy to maintain between visits to my barber. So I understand why women would like this option too.

    For me, how a woman looks is more in attitude than appearance. I’ve seem some with perfect hair and clothing that I thought were outright scary. Of course, how we chose to appear in public is a sign of our character. If you look like you mean to say “screw you” to all that my accidently or otherwise look your way, then means a lot to me. I think you were saying something like that too.

    Of course, there are exceptions to all generalizations. And we don’t have perfect control over our appearances. If so, I would chose to look taller.

  25. Friar Says:

    Oh, I dunno. Sure, that Ilia had a good body. But for some reason, I could never past the bald head. It just didnt’ do it for me.

    Didn’t help, that she often wore loose robes that hid everything. But frankly, I’d prefer Seven of Nine. Or even Kirstie Alley with the Vulcan ears.

    You know, I’m trying to picture you with long hair, but somehow I can’t.

    But it was the 70’s…I’ll have to take your word for it!

  26. Brett Legree Says:

    Hmm… from my own point of reference (because that’s all I have!) – this is pretty complicated, if you look deeper.

    It’s more than choice of hairstyle or clothing, I think it’s respect for self, respect for potential partners, willingness to tend to the other person in a relationship (because without that, there is no relationship).

    I’ll speak from the other side, just for fun.

    If I woo a lovely woman, and eventually marry her, and then I let the romance die, I let myself get really smelly and stop doing things that might contribute to the other person’s happiness (e.g. taking out the garbage, changing light bulbs and so on), I can’t expect things to remain the same.

    It’s all a sort of chess game, isn’t it.

    We can all say, “we are just being ourselves”, and that is true, but you know, as soon as I stopped wearing Iron Maiden t-shirts and cut my hair, I started getting a lot of dates.

    There’s a difference between being yourself with some bit of self-respect, and just letting yourself go.

    We can be ourselves, and still let the other person “win” once in a while.

    (Did that make sense without being offensive?)

    I think Ed sort of said something like this too. How a person carries herself is a big part of it. It applies to all of the “himself” type folks too.

  27. Liz Says:

    1. I’m not inviting any males to my ladies-night-out. We can’t talk about you or rate your butts and biceps if you’re around. 😆
    2. I was a vegetarian for 8 years when I was young and searching.. .for gawd knows what. Now–give me my meat!
    3. Pet peeve of mine also. And it ain’t just the mommies cus daddies do the same thing.
    4. Some women can pull that look off and be very sexy. Check out their stilettos and jewelery. Yeah..been there, done that years ago!
    5. I blame the hairdressers for that look! Good hairdressers are hard to find and keep!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate those spiky haircuts that require a can of hairspray and other gunk to set everything in place. If those styles are not done right they make you look like you stuck your finger in a light socket. Give me short, sassy and kinda messy with no gunk in it.
    6. After a butchered haircut I’ve wanted to shave it all off and start fresh…ROFLMAO You really need the right jewelery, body type and facial structure for that look.
    7. Fat Chick Blouse? Not sure I’ve seen that one.

  28. I’ll be dead before I cut my hair I think. It looks exactly like it does in my picture. My mom is always on my case about it. She says…when are you gonna grow up? I say…time enough for that when I’m dead…don’t ya think?

    My opinion? People aren’t going to care what you wear five minutes after they meet you if you have a fun vibrant interesting personality that they enjoy being around. ( Of course good hygiene also helps…)

  29. XUP Says:

    To me the mistake a lot of people make is going out in public “in costume”. They have some idea in their head of who they’d like to be (corporate womyn, hot sexy young thing, macho jock dude, cool rock star guy) and then they dress themselves up according to that image. And they just look like they’re in costume. It’s such hard work. If you’re going to expend all that energy, spend it on figuring out who you really are and get comfortable in your own skin – then your own individual style will come naturally out of that and you will look good and confident and people (all people) will be attracted by that. And it won’t matter if your hair is short, long or non-existent and you won’t be all defensive about your life and your choices with everyone you meet.

  30. Eyeteaguy Says:

    A weeks weeks after meeting my future wife for the first time I was asked to go pick her up and drive her to the bar we were all meeting at.

    She had just got home from work and said she needed to get ready and would be a few minutes. So I turned on the TV and looked for an interesting show that would last an hour.

    One minute later she appeared in a T-shirt, jean shorts and a ball cap. “Let’s go”.

    I decided to marry her right then.

  31. Kelly Says:

    Awww. I love that.

  32. Allison Day Says:

    1. I would be so willing to do that (stay home)… but no. I’m invited along. And if I pass, all the guys ask, “Is Allison okay? Why didn’t she come? She should have come, it would have been fun to have her along.” They’re clinically insane, methinks. Because honestly, I’m not all that fun to be around. Of course, none of them have girlfriends so it would be awfully difficult to have a couples thing, but still… 😛

    2. But… but… isn’t bacon one of the five essential food groups?

    4. Okay, I wouldn’t go quite that far… but I’m not giving up my jeans, t-shirts, or styling my hair more than running a brush through it. Nuh uh. You can’t make me. 😉

    3. I could never pull that off. But my little sister just got a super duper short haircut that she styles into a sort of fauxhawk… and it actually looks really good. And she still gets all sorts of guys hitting on her, despite any attempts to put them off.

    6. Speedos should be banned everywhere except competition swimming. With a $1000000 fine if you wear one. *shudder* Those don’t make ANYONE look good.

    And *sigh*, it looks like I’ll never be James’ kind of gal… oh well… 😉

  33. auntiehallie Says:

    wow. Way to take ‘what i think and like’ and turn it into a mandate for all of female humanity. Great! (The ‘I’m not an expert, I just think loads of guys agree with me!’ disclaimer doesn’t make any of this commentary less douche-houndist.)

    None of this swaggering bile makes any sense at all unless you don’t believe women are people. Really? Our primary job in life is to mold ourselves into your opinion of what’s attractive? Believe me, not attracting men who think these things is a much higher priority in my world.

    It looks more to me like you’ve internalized nearly every tenet of the Dudebro’s Big Book of Misogynistic Bullshit and distilled it down to your personal top seven. Thanks for the warning!

  34. @ Aunt Hallie – Hmm… a saying comes to mind that goes along the lines of ‘the truth hurts’, but I won’t go there.

    Suffice it to say that defensive reactions aren’t always the best ones to earn points in favor of women who want to be accepted for who and what they are.

    @ Friar – Add “Defensive, angry women” to my Turn Off list, please.

    And you bastard! Swaggering is MY thing!

  35. Kelly Says:

    Well, I guess that takes care of the yelling.

    I might not be willing to suffer a ponytail for a date, but I’m with Brett here.

    Whether we’re single or not, auntie, I think being attractive and presentable does a lot to say to the world, “I care about me and I respect you.”

    None of which is misogynistic, misanthropic, or any other multisyllabic insult you’d care to toss out. Just the opposite.

    And just for the record, genetically speaking it IS actually our primary job in life. As it is men’s.



  36. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I think Friar should ask for auntiehallie’s phone number. I think she is sweet on him.


  37. Dr. Monkey Says:

    Thanks for making us guys look good in comparison to you.

  38. […] Friar, very kindly provided us middle-aged broads with some helpful advice on how to attract men (Friar’s Tips for Ladies on how NOT to Attract Men.) – because lord knows, us oldies do still spent most of our time worrying about how to make the […]

  39. Friar Says:

    What?? You with long hair and heavy metal T-shirts?

    SAY it AIN’T SO.

    I guess you must have got your act together quite early in life. Because when I was your TA 16 15 years ago, you already were quite clean-cut.

    Exactly…what guy would want to be the odd man out, and listen to a bunch of women talk about guys’ butts and biceps?

    Same way, a woman shouldn’t invite herself for a guys-only situation.

    PS. I have YET to see an attractive bowl-cut. 🙂

    Hahahah! I like the way you think. I never want to grow up too.

    Regarding the the unflattering costumes people wear, what if they DON’T have a fun, vibrant out-going personality? Then it’s even more of a handicap.

    Good point. You gotta be yourself. Sometimes, people make such an effort trying to look a certain way, and it backfires, because they’re unhappy, and now they look stupid, on top of that.

    (And, just in case Aunt Hallie is listening, this applies to both women AND men)


    So…we can add this to Karen’s list.

    Just make sure your hair is okay, and you have the right clothes, and don’t take too long to get ready.

    That’s all a woman really has to do, then.

  40. Brett Legree Says:

    I am a wolf in sheep’s clothing, of course. Though my hair be closely cropped, I still have the old t-shirts (they’re good at Halloween) and I listen to much, much worse stuff now…

    …but only when the ladies are not around!

  41. Friar Says:


    Oh, you’d probably be okay with the guys. I can picture you sitting quietly in the corner…not bothering anyone.

    And (like I said to Kelly), don’t underestimate a pony tail. Lots of guys are jeans-and-T-shirt type of people (I know I am).

    @aunt hallie

    I’m truly sorry for writing my opinion, and setting a mandate for all of female humanity to follow. I should not have attempted to exert my misogynistic control in such a manipulative fashion.

    As you can see from my readers, most ladies found this post VERY OFFENSIVE.

    On behalf of knuckle-dragging neanderthal baby-seal-killing males everywhere, I apologize.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go the backyard and hold an candlelight vigil, and listen to whale music, to make amends.

    Well, to be fair, I DID invite readers to yell at me!

    Ask, and you shall receive. 😉

    You know what? You make an excellent point.

    Whether we like it or not, attracting the other sex is one of the most important things there is. For the survival our our species.

    Actually, I feel honored. This is the first time on my blog that someone has implied that I’m a douchebag.

    (Well, not counting you, that is).

    @Dr. Monkey
    Oh, right.

    Like I said to Aunt Hallie, based on the overwhelming response, you can see how the majority of commenters are so OFFENDED by this post.

    I would be sadly disappointed in you if you HADN’T. 😀

    (I’ve already gone there and left some comments).

    Folks, you should all go there, and add to the discussion. It’s a pretty good post.

    You’re more of Viking in Englishmen’s clothing. One step away from shedding your costume and going berserk.

  42. Eyeteaguy Says:


    I just checked. I’ve never called you, or implied that you are a douchebag.

    I dolt, a nut, a wimp, a sucker, a slob, yes, but never a female hygene product. I’m much more creative than that.

    On a more pleasant note, I got a gift from Heir Friar this weekend. A genuine, real deal, signed sealed an delivered, original Frair cartoon. “Viking Tech Support”

    I was very happy and honoured. I hung it in my office this morning and it has recieved rave reviews ever since.

    You can’t write worth a shit and you haven’t had a good idea yet but you sure can draw!


  43. Friar Says:

    Sorry, I apologize. You’ve called me so many names, I just assumed “douchebag” was in there.

    Glad you liked the drawing, though. It’s nice to know that I occasionally get the EyeTeaGuy Seal of Approval.

    (I just have to apply the Sarcasm Filter to find the compliments).

  44. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Awww, you shouldn’t have said that!

    Now I’m gonna ask for a commission! How about you draw me an Official Eyeteaguy Seal of Approval!

    That outta get the creative juices flowing!

  45. Allison Day Says:

    Dr. Monkey – Hmmm… nope. I still like Friar a helluva lot more than I like most other men. At least he’s got (and actually uses) some damned smart brains, which is more than I can say for most of the men I’ve met and even some that I’ve dated in the past. Besides… don’t tell anybody, but Friar’s a total sweetheart. 😉

    Friar – I second what Eyeteaguy said about your drawings. But not any of that other nonsense he wrote. 😉

  46. Brett Legree Says:


    I’m still perfecting that whole “naked running down the battlefield with only a sword belt bellowing Norse insults at the top of my lungs thing”.

    I can only practice on Sundays whilst the rest of the poor townsfolk are at Mass.

    But I’m almost there.

    May I suggest that if you follow in my footsteps, be sure to prepare the edge of your shield with a nice red wine marinade, it is much tastier when you’re biting it to work yourself into a frenzy.

  47. Friar Says:


    Well, I’ll see what I can put together. But I’ll draw it when I draw it. It might be tomorrow. Or months from now (just like the cartoon you just got).

    Though I must confess, there are one or two other people ahead of you, on my “to-do” list.


    Awww..shucks! You’re making me…speechless.

    PS. Don’t mind Eyeteaguy. He’s full of nonsense, but when you meet him, he’s surprisingly tolerable in short doses.

  48. Friar Says:

    @Brett stole that running down the battlefield naked, from one of your Death Metal Videos.

    Though, what about smearing bacon-grease on the shield? That’d work, too.

  49. Karen JL Says:



  50. Friar Says:


    I thought I was a GEEK!!!!

  51. Karen JL Says:


  52. Friar Says:


    Oooh…a TWO-FER!

    PS. Wonder what poor Friar’s Mom’s gonna think, when she’s reading all this after her long day at Rehab? 😀

  53. Karen JL Says:

    Just throw an old sheet over this post.
    She’ll never know it was here! *innocent whistling*

  54. Brett Legree Says:

    Nah, I’m older than those Viking metal dudes, they stole it from me 🙂

    Bacon grease would be a good idea too, but I’d probably pour it on my toast first heh heh…

  55. Liz Says:

    @Friar I guess I wasn’t as clear as I should have been…what I meant was…no men at my girl’s outings and no women at the men’s ones. Each gender needs their own bonding time.

    And the female “bowl cut” does look great on some tall and slender women. One of my staff used to model and she looked great in that cut but it was the overall package. Unfortunately, the women who seem to get this cut really shouldn’t. And again, it’s the overall package deal. It’s not a cut I could carry off. I can’t believe I’m defending a hairstyle…OMG and it’s not even mine.

    If nothing else this topic certainly stirred the pot. 😆 I think I’m going to go sit quietly in my corner and have something chocolate. 😆

  56. Friar Says:


    Oh, the damage is already done. I’ll get scolded for having too much Potty Mouth on my blog. 🙂

    Plus, Friar’s Mom will probalby ask: “Just WHO is that Karen JL person…and why does she use such language?”

    She’s probably lurking right now, as we speak.

    You should enter yourself on Wikipedia, then. As the founder of Viking Death-Skull Rock.

    Because once it’s on Wikipedia, it’s gotta be true.

    Yeah..maybe I wasn’t as clear either. I agree…it’s Guys ONLY. Or GIRLS ONLY. Or COUPLES ONLY. But don’t mix-and match…and put one or two oddballs with the majority of the other gender.

    By the way, a former girlfriend of mine once had a bowl cut (Shudder). Her hairdresser was awful. That was 15 years ago. I’m still traumatized.

    This post certainly DID stir things up. I’ve never had such lengthy comments before.

    At least it’s better than blogging about Twitter, or Twittering about blogging.

    I don’t have chocolate in the house, but I do have chocolate milk. Think I’m gonna have some now.

  57. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar – Tell Friar’s Mom I’m only a potty mouth on your blog. Really.

    It’s my guilty pleasure. 😉

  58. louise Says:

    I’ve clearly wandered into the wrong corner of the blogosphere. I’d better take my spiky emo boy haircut, unisex clothes, possibly fat chick blouse (I still can’t quite picture what that is but I may well own one — you’ll have to provide a photo so that we big girls can determine where we fall there) wearing self out of here. Harumph! 😉 Good thing I’m not looking to ensure the survival of the species or I’d be so depressed.

    — Whether we’re single or not, auntie, I think being attractive and presentable does a lot to say to the world, “I care about me and I respect you.” —

    Howzat? One person’s idea of presentable and attractive may not be another’s. Having a short haircut, or wearing masculine or unisex clothing, doesn’t say “Eat shit and die.”

    (Sorry for the swearing, Friar’s mom.)

  59. Kelly Says:


    Speaking to you with my short haircut and my pantsuit on at this very moment—agree completely. Depends on the presentation!

  60. asrai Says:

    If a woman is doing something that turns you off, chances are you aren’t going to like her. If I have to put on a show for someone to get them to like me, they aren’t worth the effort.

  61. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I think Friar should get a bowl cut, where a canvas “fat” shirt and go on the prowl. If he doesn’t get a date, then we will know he was right.

    Actually, I am laughing at all the offended people. They crack me up. If they only knew……


  62. Friar Says:


    Geez, Louise! (Pun, intented. 😉 )

    Where exactly did I tell people in this post to “Eat shit and die”?

    I’m just saying, that dressing like man can turn off a lot of guys.

    Just like having a mullet and wearing a Death-Metal T-shirt (like Brett says) will probably turn off a lot of women.

    In GENERAL, certain looks tend to be more attractive to others, to a large portion of the population.

    Whether this is fair or not, is another matter. But that’s just the way things are.

    Okay..sigh. I give up.

    Y’all can wear burlap sacks with volley-ball skull caps on your head, if that’s what you want. 😉

    And it shouldn’t make any difference, because it’s all the way the person presents themselves, right?

    Fair enough. I’ll take that advice to heart.

    Next time I date someone, I wont’ shower or shave, or iron my shirt. (Because that’s putting on a show for someone).

    And if the lady doesn’t find me attractive, well, that’s THEIR problem and they’re not worth it.

    Notice, though, nobody’s offended on XUP’s post, where she writes about men.

    By the way, I don’t get dates anyway….so we wouldn’t’ be able to test your theory.

  63. Kelly Says:


    Should’ve come down from middle-of-nowhere to visit with me last week. ( I know, you were doing some hard drinking with Eyeteaguy. Busy, busy!)

    Then you’d know I would never wear burlap, or *gasp* a skull-cap, darlin’.

    & Nobody should be offended by either post, since you both had tongue planted firmly in cheek. Good grief.

    Until later,


  64. Friar Says:


    Yeah, when I come to think of it, when you were gallivanting in Canada, you were probably only a 5-hour drive away from me (instead of the usual 14).

    Practically next door.

    As for people getting offended, I think some people’ve just chosen to have their Sense of Humor surgically removed.

    I have a theory, that it’s correlated to the inverse of hair length.

    (Heh heh. Maybe I should write a post about it. Whattya think?) 😉

  65. Steph Says:

    Friar, you slick bastard! This was another of your sly “how to get lots of attention on your blog” posts, wasn’t it?? (You forgot to use “SEO” in the title)…


    So anyway.

    When I decided to go veg about 8 years ago, I kept cooking meat because I didn’t want to force my decision on Colin. He followed a month or two later on his own (which I thought was very sweet of him, even though he didn’t do it only for me!). He misses hot dogs and bacon. I miss tuna. But I couldn’t ever go back, not even if Rob Pattinson begged me to. (Oh wait, he’s veg too, if you count drinking the blood of animals rather than people!) 🙂

    I guess on the other side of your argument, it’s a big turn-off for me to hear guys talk about eating meat as though it’s a manly thing to do and if you’re a veg you’re a pussy. I think the whole chest-beating meateater thing is a little passé and insecure. I’m not saying this in a defensive or angry tone, I’m just saying this the way you might have written your dislikes. Without emotion, that is. It’s all about choice, whether for health reasons or animal-lover reasons and how is either reason something to be scoffed at? I just don’t get the disrespect both sides give each other. Who cares what you eat, unless it’s seriously threatening your health?

    As for my hair…people think it’s funny now. They never know what I’m going to look like when they see me next. Long hair, curly hair, medium hair, short hair, blond, platinum, red…will fuschia be next? Who knows. It’s the most exciting thing in Belleville.

    C does prefer me with long hair for sure. I just keep changing it because I get bored really easily and I also can’t make up my mind what I like. I’m jonesing for long again, but it’s okay. It’s just hair. It will grow.

    Clothes: I’m totally a jeans and tee-shirt girl. I very much resent having to “dress up” for work. Bah, humbug! But as someone here already said, it’s all about the fit. I go for what I imagine is feminine, even though boy jeans can be pretty comfy, and apparently are all the rage in some places. Trouble with boy jeans and me is that I’m pretty small (height and weight-wise) so I can actually end up looking like a boy (another reason I’ve only done the buzz cut once!).

    I grew up a tomboy and was often the only girl in a guys-only group. I Loved it, with a capital L. Boys are awesome! But now that I’m older, I totally know the diff between welcome and not. I’m all for guy bonding. I think it’s sexy.

    I HATE number 3 too. Since I’m kid-free and apparently the last of my kind here, I get pretty sick of the conversation fast.

    You need to find us a picture of the blouse you were talking about. I’m curious.

    I think no matter what size you are, it’s all about fit and what’s flattering. Muffin tops and the like are not flattering. A large woman can look very attractive in clothes that fit her well, just as a slim woman can look like shit in clothes that don’t. And then, yeah, as someone said, it’s the self-esteem you have to have that’s most important. It is SO attractive for a man or woman to be genuinely comfortable in their skin.

    PS. I think you need to move to get dates. Isn’t everyone related where you are? Trust me, it’s not you… 🙂

  66. Steph Says:

    HOLY SHIT! Sorry about the length of that comment! Yikes!!

  67. Friar Says:


    I really had NO idea how much response I’d get on this post. Because some of my other recent posts have been pretty good, I thought. But I only got a luke-warm response.

    Then, all of the sudden, people are writing thesis abstracts on this one!

    (Obviously, I’ve hit upon a controversial subject). But like I said before, at least it makes for an interesting discussion.

    Oh, I like to poke fun at vegetarians, but it’s all in good fun. I really don’t care what people long as nobody preaches to me. (If I wasn’t allowed to eat meat, I’d be a very VERY unhappy Friar!)

    As for your hair. Heh heh. I wonder what you change more often? Your hairstyle, or your blog theme? 😉

    But coming from STO (Small-Town-Ontario), I can relate to being bored, and wanting to stir things up to make life more interesting.

    And I think large women sell themselves short, by wearing the wrong type of clothes.

    I know a few who are 200 lbs. plus. But they know how dress well and present themselves.

    And I find them much more attractive than some of their waif-like colleagues, who just look tense, uncomfortable, and unhappy with themselves.

  68. Friar Says:


    Oh, heck. Don’t worry about it. (It’s not like I have to pay WordPress per ASCII character).

  69. Kelly Says:

    Can you IMAGINE how different blogging would be?


  70. Friar Says:


    Then, everyone would just say “Nice post”.

  71. Mer Says:

    Oh, the fun I missed!

    ::Dies laughing::


    Mer 😀

  72. Mer Says:

    Before that last comma there was a “Thanks.” Really. There was.


  73. Karen JL Says:

    Oh, let’s come right out and say it already.

    The REAL WAY for the opposite sex to be more attractive to us is alcohol.

    Lots and lots of alcohol. 😉

  74. Davina Says:

    You know Friar, I was looking in the mirror…? And I could swear that I just saw my hair grow! Better call the hairdresser AGAIN.

  75. Allison Day Says:

    Met a girl today with a boy’s style hair cut dyed bright blue. She was absolutely beautiful… it totally worked for her. But me… I could never pull something like that off. 😉

  76. Allison Day Says:

    @Friar – *shrug* Well… it’s true. 🙂

  77. Friar Says:

    The fun isn’t necessarily over yet. Maybe this will be another one of those 100-comment blogs. (It could be, if Eyeteaguy drops by again to help us).

    Ah…Alcohol…yes. Forgot about that one.

    That could be the subject of a follow-up blog post…Friar’s tips on how women CAN attract men.

    Oh, yes. I can just picture the overwhelmingly enthusiastic response I’d get, if I wrote THAT one! 😉

    (Awww..shucks). I was secretely hoping this life-changing post would have inspired some of you ladies to try to grow your hair long.

    But (*sigh*), off the the hairdresser you go, if you must.

    Blue hair and attractive? Not so far-fetched, actually. I mean, look at the hot green-skinned chicks Captain Kirk used to bang! 🙂

  78. steph Says:

    Karen JL: Man, I wish that were true. I love men too much for alcohol to have to be a contributing factor. All I ask for is good personal hygiene and a care about their appearance, a sense of humour, great smile, more or less physically fit, communicative and expressive, passionate, and for them to dote on me. 🙂

    Hmmm. That didn’t make me sound too good.

    Oh well. I’m married anyway and faithfully so. The only men I can be attracted to now (er, besides my hubby) are fictional characters.

  79. Brett Legree Says:


    Sounds like you saw that Mythbusters episode on the beer goggles… 🙂

  80. Friar Says:

    @Brett and Steph

    I saw that episode!

    It was pretty accurate, too!

  81. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar – Hey, it’ll be a 400 commenter if you write that one! (Think of the raving lunatics to come out of the woodwork.)

    I mean haven’t we ALL had a Coyote Ugly moment in our lives? Hmmm???

    OK, I’ll shut up now. I’ve said too much…

  82. Friar Says:


    That wouldn’t’ be a hard one to write.

    To attract guys, feed them, have sex with them. And show a bit of cleavage.

    Though if I posted that, I can picture myselg having a protest rally on my front lawn, by the AWAFT Society.

    (Angry Womyn Against Friar’s Tirades).

  83. Mer Says:

    Naaaaaaaw. We wouldn’t bother with a protest rally. We’d get a full length, life-size picture of you from Brett or IT Guy and make it into a dart board.

    Personally, I’d rather play darts. 😀


  84. Friar Says:


    Maybe you could commission a life-sized Official Friar Voodoo doll.

    Even better than darts. 🙂

  85. Karen JL Says:

    Yes Friar, I always “have sex” BEFORE I “show cleavage”.

    Cleavage is a privilege.

    Dumbass. 😉

  86. Friar Says:


    Okay…so I’m a Geek, a Douchebag…and now a DUMBASS.

    Never have I received such high praise from one of the fairer sex.

    By the way, lotsa women show cleavage. In public. To people they have no intention of ever hooking up with.

    But heck…I’m not picky. I’ll take what I can get…even HALF a cleavage would be good. 😉

  87. Karen JL Says:

    I’m well aware we show cleavage in public (even half-cleavage). But it usually comes BEFORE we would have sex with someone.

    Just laughing at how you put “have sex” before “show cleavage” above.

    Because if you’ve had sex with someone before seeing any cleavage…somethin’s a little…you know…odd. (Was she wearing a parka?) 😉

  88. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    For a Voodoo doll, I’d need strands of your hair (should you have any left) or fingernail clippings or some such thing. That’s too hard to come by. Even Brett might not be able to pull off getting anything like that. Besides, I don’t want to make you sick, I just want to poke you some.

    Mer 😀

  89. Mrs. Micah Says:

    Wow. I just spent a long time reading all the comments. I only have one thing to contribute (and someone above me said it too…). No comb-overs, for the love of God!!!

    I used to have a coworker whose hair floated obliviously over his head whenever he walked down the stairs. I was so hard not to laugh my @$$ off. I wanted to tell him that he’d look better with a bald patch because you could tell in a single glance it was a comb-over. Not pretty.

    As for the rest…I’m pretty much on-board. I don’t think guys should insist on long hair because it looks really bad on some women. But since you allowed for short hair styled to make a person look good, you’re off the hook. 🙂

  90. Friar Says:

    Well, it all would depend on what kind of specific sexual activity it was…

    I mean, not ALL the clothes necessarily have to be taken off right away, do they? 😉

    Brett comes over for beer every Thursday. So if you got in touch with him, I’m sure you two could conspire together to steal a few strands of hair from my comb, when he uses my bathroom.

    Or maybe you can do it through the Blogosphere. Print out one of my posts (which contain my true essence), and cut and paste it onto an effigy of me.

    @Mrs. Micah
    Comb-overs. Huh. Never understood them. They’re an embarrassment to guys everywhere.

    I like when the wind blows and the hair flops to the opposite side. Now suddenly there’s 7 inch-strands of hair that dont’ belong anywhere.

    Glad I’m off the hook. But if you change your mind, feel free to chip in with Mer and get a Friar Dartboard. 😉

  91. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    I only use my powers for good. 😉


  92. Friar Says:


    Oh. You’re like Glenda, the Good Witch, then. 😉

  93. Mer Says:

    But of course! 😀


  94. aliastaken Says:

    I’ll admit that I have not read all 94 comments, so perhaps someone else already said this, but: I think the number one reason why women over 40 cut their hair short is because it makes it easier and cheaper to maintain their hair COLOR- blergh. Personally, I think that dyed hair almost never looks good. I plan to keep my hair long and live with it…

    Also, I find it funny that nearly all of these tips pertain to looks. Oh men, you are so predictable…

  95. Brett Legree Says:


    True enough, all of the points pertained to looks.

    As a predictable man, I will say, since I cannot read minds, usually I find out that a woman has a great personality after I’ve been attracted to her because of her looks.

    Well, it makes sense, right?

    Doesn’t mean that people who are not “goddess like” don’t have personalities, mind you… just harder to find them, I guess.

  96. Friar Says:

    On, come on! Not counting the last point (which was a repeat), 3 out of 8 items (almost half) had nothing to do with looks.

    And even then, so what? Physical appearance is often how people are first attracted to each other, right?

    (I mean, how often do you hear guys tell each other “Wow! Check out the sense of humor on HER!” 🙂

  97. aliastaken Says:

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m just as shallow. Also, I really like your point about talking about kids. My personal pet peeve… divorced dads who tell me that their kids are their best friends. Ew- not only does that sound purely constructed to impress me (and it doesn’t!), it’s just bad parenting. Kids need parents, not best friends, blergh.

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