How to Infuriate Tree-Huggers

Dare to disagree with them.

Refer to whales as “just dumb fish”.

Buy them a gas-powered  leaf-blower in December, and say “Merry Christmas” while you do it. (Not “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings”.)

Hide their mortar and pestle, so they can’t crunch their granola.

Ask them to explain why is was much warmer 1000 years ago, before humans really started burning fossil fuels.

Tell them there’s no point if saving virgin forests, because the trees are just going to fall down and rot, anyway.   “Might as well use them for something, eh?”

Imply that Al Gore’s poop may NOT necessarily smell like oven-fresh cinnamon-buns.

Ask them where they think the hydrogen will come from to power their fuel-cell cars.

Catch them doing something hypocritical, and call them on their bullshit.

Have a sense of humor.

Pretend to be sincere and ask: “So…um…do you think nuclear power is BAD? ”

Raise ten kids, and get lectured for over-populating the planet.  But then have one of them grow up and invent a life-saving technology that changes the way we live.

Tell them you have an engineering degree.

Ask them what kind of scientific background they have.

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19 Comments on “How to Infuriate Tree-Huggers”

  1. Kyddryn Says:

    Hey, wait a minute – I hug trees!

    OK, so maybe it’s because I get lonely and they can’t run away…but still…

    And? I have more than one mortar and pestle – best to keep spell components separate from food items…unless one WANTS one’s dinner guests to suffer unfortunate after-effects.

    Al Gore is an ass. The man buys offsets from himself against monthly power consumption that rivals an average American’s YEARLY usage. I’d tell you how I really feel about him, but you seem like such a polite fellow…I wouldn’t want to make you blush.

    The hydrogen thing bothers me…and so do the current hybrids with their toxic batteries and components.

    If they ever invent a car that runs on BS, Al Gore will be set for life.

    Thanks for the laugh before attempted sleep, sugar…if I’m awake all night (again – stupid insomnia), at least I’ll be smiling.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  2. Friar Says:


    I think the solution would be to have a mortar and pestle for your food, and keep a separate one for your potions and spells.

    That Al Gore. Bless him, he DID get the Nobel Peace Prize, though.

    And he beat out Irena Sendler.

    I guess a Powerpoint presentation on Global Warming deserves more recognition than saving thousands of Jews from the Nazis

    Warms my heart, that story does. (Grrrr).

  3. Eyeteaguy Says:


    Did you just post a blog entry specifically to piss somebody off?

    Do you often walk in an open field during a thunderstorm holding a metal rod above your head?

    The outcome of both activities may result in same thing.

    This could get quite electric.


  4. Hey, I’m married to an ARMY guy. All I have to do is tell them that my husband kills people for a living.

  5. Friar Says:


    I was inspired to write this post, based on a recent visit to one of these environmental blogs. Where people really DID get nasty.

    But I think you might be right.

    Storm’s a comin’. I kin feel it in my joints.

    Best get the chickens down to the root cellar, Ma.

    @Canadian Army Wife

    I can just imagine the advice the Tree Huggers would offer you, regarding the fighting in Afghanistan.


    “If we just sat down and TALKED with the Taliban, and tried to REASON with them, perhaps we could resolve our difference.”

  6. Karen JL Says:

    This post is a little too high-schoolish to comment on.

    So I’ll hold out till you write one about religion.

    Yeah, religion! That’ll be awesome. 😉

  7. Friar Says:


    Why don’t’ I combine a post that discusses religion, and a woman’s obligations and responsibilities (as it pertains to that religion)?

    Boo Yeaaa. A sure-fire winner right there! 😀

  8. XUP Says:

    I consider myself a bit of a tree-hugger, but I try not to be too insane about it. For instance, I still haven’t seen An Inconvenient Truth. I probably never will. But I do want to point out that to me, Mr. Friar, you are every bit as much of a tree-hugger as I am though perhaps in a different way. Any guy who would put up with a shitty job year after year just so he can live close to nature is a tree-hugger. Even if he’s an engineer.

  9. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar – Sounds good! I’ll bring the popcorn.

  10. Friar Says:

    You’re like the sibling, egging on their brother to do something stupid, so you can sit back and watch the fireworks!

    Bad, Karen. Bad.

    Wow…I got off easy, there! (I was half-expecting you to give me a major big tune-up!) 😉

    Yes, I admit, the nature and the outdoors is the main thing keeping me here, year after year.

    But I drive an SUV, and I wont’ chain myself to a tree and play the Earth-Mother drums when couples have more than 1.2 kids.

    So I would say I’m a quasi-tree hugger, at best. (Hmmm…must be the Engineering influence…).

  11. Davina Says:

    Hi Friar. I’m a tree-hugger true and true — one with a sense of humour and an open mind.

    Funny list though: “Raise ten kids, and get lectured for over-populating the planet. But then have one of them grow up and invent a life-saving technology that changes the way we live.” This is the best! Hardy har har.

  12. Friar Says:


    That one about raising kids and have them cure cancer or something. Heh heh. That came from one of my philosphizing sessions with Brett during our Beer Night.

    Though I’m not sure if you’re a bona-fide tree-hugger. I’m not sure, but having a sense of humor might automatically disqualify you. (I’ll have to check the Tree Hugger Bylaw Manual, Section 3.2).

  13. Captain Push Says:

    Tell them how glad you are that we won’t have to deal with those pesky starving Africans anymore since we’re putting all of that corn into ethanol production, thus removing the need to ship food overseas to people who really need it.

  14. Friar Says:

    @Captain Push
    Yeah, basically we’re taking food, and burning it. Just to make our cars go.

    Which makes to price of corn go up, making it even HARDER for people to afford to eat

    I’m sure the Third World applauds us for that.

    Just like putting corn-starch on newsprint to make it more printable, for those glossy flyers you get in the mail and then throw out.

  15. Brett Legree Says:

    Invent a new nuclear reactor that produces 10 times the waste, and requires special ingredients such as trees, baby seals, pandas, and a variety of other endangered species.

    Make sure that the waste is in liquid form and just pours out into the nearest supply of drinking water.

  16. Friar Says:


    Wait..don’t the reactors in China already run like that?

  17. hannah78 Says:

    Where the hell is my mortar and pestle? I can’t find it anywhere! 😉

  18. Friar Says:


    You can borrow Kyydryn’s.

  19. rajmenon Says:

    Somebody advised me, hug a tree every day. It may be awkward in the beginning, eventually you will enjoy it and bring you closer to nature. I have not started, yet, but I will

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