Friar’s Tips on How to Attract the Opposite Sex

Due to my overwhelming response last week on my tips on how ladies can NOT attract men, I’ve decided to write a follow-up post.   Namely, on how ladies can attract men.   And vice-versa.

For those of you who know my blog,  I think you’ll be able to figure out just how seriously to take this post.

As for the rest of you..well (heh heh), have FUN.   (And try to keep the pitchforks and torches to a minimum, folks).

*************************************************

How a Woman can Attract the Typical Man (*)
(*) not necessarily in this order

– Don’t have a boyfriend.

– Stand there and breathe.

– Have a pulse.

– Offer to have sex with him.

– Be almost (but not quite as smart) as he is.

– Similarly, earn almost (but not quite as much) as he does.

– When he asks you to pull his finger, do so.

– Show cleavage.   Any kind of cleavage.

– If there’s a nude scene on TV, make sure you point it out to him.

– Remember:  the remote is his, and HIS alone.

– Never beat him at golf.

– Feed him.   Especially if he’s a bachelor who hates cooking.   (Seriously, ladies, we’ll do almost anything for a home-cooked meal, like move your furniture and shit…We guys are kinda stupid that way.)

– Give his dog a belly-rub.

– Clean the fish he catches, making him feel like the Great Alpha Male returning from the Hunt.

– When he’s watching sports on TV, bring him a sammitch.

– Look like that plastic Barbie-doll from those asshole Bowflex commercials.

– Did I mention offer to have sex with him?

******************************

How a Man can Attract the Typical Woman

– Take 100% responsibility for making sure the seat stays down.

– Offer to give a back-rub (and ONLY a back-rub)

– Do the same with the feet.

– On rare occasions, don’t be afraid to cry. (Just be careful not to do it too much, or you’ll look like a pussy).

– Give up your weekend fishing trip with the guys, so you can help dispense juice-boxes at her kid’s soccer tournament.

– Cook her a meal (but make it just pathetic enough, so that she feels sorry for you).

– Apologize profusely and sincerely be mortified whenever you fart.

– Find Ellen funny.

– Worship her cat.

– Play a musical instrument, to show your “artistic” side.  (But make sure it’s something decent, like the guitar or sax…stay away from lame-ass instruments like the piccolo or Pan Flute).

– Be able to pinch more fat off your forehead than your abs. (Just like that asshole from those Bowflex commercials).

– Don’t ask her for sex.    Give her a $50 box of Godiva chocolates instead.

– Turn the TV off, and offer to discuss where you think the relationship is going.

– Get her an audience with Oprah.

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53 Comments on “Friar’s Tips on How to Attract the Opposite Sex”

  1. Patricia Says:

    I am forwarding this on to my daughter – very funny
    A psychic told her to learn how to play golf, she would only learn to play golf if she could be the best! She is training for the Woman’s Marathon in SF in October?

    But no matter how she tries she is always smarter than everyone in the room. Absolutely fabulous travel companion and she won a huge box of chocolates guessing how many miles we traveled on our tour…
    I bought her two gorgeous designer dresses…Surely someone will ask her out…she turns a lot of heads…
    Dear Friar any advice…?

  2. Kyddryn Says:

    Hey Friar, I have a cat you can worship…where should I ship the little furball?

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who thinks you’re brilliant)

  3. Brett Legree Says:

    What’s wrong with the Pan Flute?

    Zamfir curses you!!!

    (*hides Zamfir CD collection*)

  4. Friar Says:

    @Patricia
    My advice? If you refer to my other post (about how NOT to attract men), the length of the hair is pretty important. Make sure your daughter’s hair is juuuust right. 😉

    @Kyddryn
    Damned kitties. I’m allergic. They make me sneeze and give me asthma.

    Of course, the cats know this. And they know I’m a sucker for animals, so they come up to me all the time, and will sit on my lap, purring, watching me suffer.

    (Achoo!)

    @Brett
    I think the planet can support/tolerate only ONE PERSON to be Master of the Pan Flute.

    That one person is Zamfir. There is no room for anyone else.

  5. Brett Legree Says:

    Heh heh that’s because he is the *Master of the Pan Flute* – flute kung-fu or something like that.

    Seriously though, just for fun I looked him up online, the guy has put out over 200 albums, 90 of them went gold or platinum, and he’s sold over 40 million recordings.

    Sort of makes a lot of other “stars” look like lazy asses, eh?

  6. Kyddryn Says:

    Friar, darlin’, that’s because cats are evil. They are.

    I’m allergic, too – wicked asthma, when they scratch me I have to wash it right away or it feels like fire ants burrowing under my skin, and if I pet them and touch anywhere near my eyes, I look like I’m a mourning drunkard for all the tears streaming down my face and the redness.

    Yet I have three of the little…erm…darlings. Stubborn me. I’m only allergic to other people’s cats, not my own. Same with all animals…I have to acclimatize myself to them, and then I’m…not fine, exactly…but livable.

    I have a wee evil visitor temporarily housed in a crate on my living room. She wants me to think she’s cute and helpless…but I know better.

    The wounded ones always find me…sigh…

    Oh…by the way? I have pan flutes. Can’t play them worth a damn. I don’t think anyone can. I think it’s all a trick, like throwing your voice – out front is the guy “playing” the pipes, and hidden behind a curtain are twenty other guys, each with one pipe to blow on…like some kind of Peruvian ventriloquist act made up to dupe the tourists out of their spare change. One of these days, a guy behind the curtain will sneeze, and the jig’ll be up!

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who may or may not have gotten more than a few hours sleep last night…)

  7. davinahaisell Says:

    @ Patricia… Tisk… sigh…Don’t listen to Friar about the hair. Geez! Geeeeeeeez!!!

    Friar… I don’t need any tips on how to attract the opposite sex. I am woman, hear me roar! Anyway, I’ve got the breathing thing and the pulse down to a natural art — just can’t help it.

    And, “Clean the fish he catches, making him feel like the Great Alpha Male returning from the Hunt.” Ugh. And… I beat my X at golf on my first try… on his Wii game that is (and he’s a Scott too). I did send him tasteful, but naughty pictures though.

    As for cooking me a meal, no man has to feel intimidated by that where I’m concerned; bacon, eggs and coffee in bed and I’m Queen for the day. He can leave the toilet seat up all day if he wants (just for THAT day though).

  8. Captain Push Says:

    – Did I mention offer to have sex with him?

    Along this line, you should have a “pet” name for him. Something on the order of “Stallion” Or “Big Jim” or “Mr. Big.”

  9. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Damn, that shit is funny.

  10. Patricia Says:

    Oh well, she has long hair…and lots of hair – tons of hair…and is only a size 6 but 5’9″ tall…I gave her a designer hair style in London – it takes stylists about 2.5 hours to cut her hair and blow it dry. She will need to find a guy who makes enough money to care for that stunning head of hair…

  11. Patricia Says:

    @ Davina
    I wrote about the hair…she just puts in in a pony tail for work and running – she hasn’t got a problem there…
    I think she just wants to skip the “crappy” part of dating and doting. Maybe too she would rather be single and happy…she is talking about having a baby or adopting a baby because she knows she would like to share her life and have a relationship with others – and heck if a fellow can’t see her virtue, worth and fabulous self then he deserves what he gets.

  12. davinahaisell Says:

    @ Patricia.
    Ah, your daughter is sooo lucky to have beautiful hair. (I’d rather have long, thick stunning hair than big boobs.) Unfortunately, I have neither. Dating can be great when a girl finds the right guy. If not… then crappy IS the word. On one of my first dates with a guy, he got in a car accident. Ran a stop sign because he was looking over at me during conversation. Ha, ha! The cop teased him about that. Your daughter sounds lovely, and I bet she’ll be “taken” before you know it.


  13. Okay, guy taking off his jacket and putting it around me to keep me warm? Fall for it every time. I know, I know, call me silly, but don’t we always kind of look for the protector male even though we are so competent ourselves? Makes me want to make something delicious or do something delicious as his reward.
    I will be drummed out of every I don’t need a man group there is for that. LOL. 🙂

  14. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Yes..he’s definitely the MASTER.

    FM Easy-listening music on a Sunday afternoon for seniors, would just NEVER be the same, without him.

    @Kyddryn

    See? I KNEW IT! Cats do that shit on purpose!

    That’s why I prefer dogs. If they love your, or hate you, you know it right away..they don’t play mind games like this.

    @Davina
    Well…Patricia ASKED for advice…I gave it to her.

    And you breathe and have a pulse. That’s good…without even trying, you’ve already covered at least 2 out of 17 items on the list.

    @Captain
    Might I also suggset “Hoss”?

    @Eyeteaguy
    I’m not sure what you think is funny: the comment discussion that’s funny, or what I actually wrote.

    I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume it’s the former.

    @Patricia
    Oh, you proud mom, you.

    I bet you if your daughter put her mind to it, she could solve Global Warming and world hunger, too! 🙂

    @Janice
    That’s another good tip you bring up….let men feel like they’re “Big and Strong” and protecting you, (i.e. by putting a jacket around you).

    It triggers some kind of protective caveman response, I think.

    (Dont’ worry, your secrets’ safe with me…I wont’ tell the She-Male Man-Hater’s crowd) 🙂

  15. Brett Legree Says:

    I bet it would be good with some metal though 🙂

    Maybe something like this

  16. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Ummm….okay. Whatever (?!)

  17. Patricia Says:

    Davina,
    I just saw Julia & Julie – Julia Child meets none of Friar’s criteria except for cooking….and it is such a love story amid just a wonderful story – not really a chick flick at all…just a complete and good film.

    I recommend it…I would hope for either of the male lead characters to discover my kiddo…

  18. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Are we actually taking advice on how to attract women from a single guy?

    Kinda like Oprah. She is completely screwed up but we listen to her anyway. Or Dr. Phil. That dude ain’t normal.

    Still funny as hell though.

    Eyeteaguy

  19. steph Says:

    – Apologize profusely and sincerely be mortified whenever you fart.

    Riiiiight. My husband would be not only uncharacteristically vocal but also in a perpetually mortified state! I swear there’s a cloud of methane that hangs over our house…

    – Turn the TV off and offer to discuss where you think the relationship is going.

    If this happened, I’d probably shit my pants. Srsly. Who are you and what have you done with my husband (who is petrified of the word “discussion,” let alone in the same sentence as “relationship”)?

  20. steph Says:

    PS. Brett, if you’re here, I’ll email you back asap…just needed a quickie mental break here… 🙂

  21. Friar Says:

    Patricia
    From my experience, as soon as a woman says “It’s not a chick flick”, it’s a chick flick.

    On a Friar Scale of 10 (for movies I want to go see), Julia & Julie would rate a 0.0000000000124,

    @Eyeteaguy
    I guess it’s no worse, than taking a marriage course from a Catholic priest who’s never had a wifes.

    But I’m flattered that you refer to me and Oprah in the same comment. Oprah knows all. Oprah sees all.

    @Steph
    I had a girlfriend once….who, in three years of going out, I had NEVER heard fart (seriously). Boy…talk about anal retentive. Literally.

    Though, I tend to more like Colin. Quite vocal. (Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the doghouse…)

  22. Brett Legree Says:

    @steph,

    No worries… this week seemed to be looooooooooonnnnggggg but the weekend is here at last!

  23. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Yeah..you and Steph just carry on and have your conversation. Fritter away (“Friar’s Twitter).

    Don’t mind ME. Pretend I’m not here…. 😀

  24. Brett Legree Says:

    @steph,

    Who’s this “Friar” guy?

    😉

  25. Hannah Says:

    LOL! Funny list. Getting me tickets to “Oprah” or any other horrid ‘chick show’ would actually turn me off!
    Tickets to a monster or grindhouse movie on the other hand….:)

  26. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Hey, you kids. Get offa my damned lawn!

    @Hannah
    What? You’re not into screaming and jumping up and down for joy, whenever Oprah or Ellen utter something?

    Say it ain’t so! 😮

    Have you seen Quentin Tarantino’s Grindhouse movie? (That was pretty cool…didn’t last in theaters too long, though).

  27. Brett Legree Says:

    Speaking of Tarantino and Zamfir, did you know that the Master of the Pan Flute had a song on the Kill Bill Vol.1 soundtrack?

    I’m not kidding either 🙂

  28. XUP Says:

    How do you have time to blog so much? With sure-fire tactics like this I should think you’d be far too busy and worn out from lamour


  29. (okay that comment cracked me up… LOL )

  30. Brett Legree Says:

    (Maybe the Friar has his computer monitor mounted on the ceiling, above his bed, and a wireless keyboard? Ya know, “multitasking” and all that, a la George Costanza…)

  31. Mer Says:

    @ Brett

    What is it with the dying bride thing? Looks like Edgar Allen Poe n drag.

    @ Janice

    The jacket thing is nice. Also, being scooped up and carried off to bed. That was a long time ago, but I had a pulse and I was breathing and being carried was fun.

    @ Friar

    –The being almost as smart was not an option for me until I met the FH and that was a disaster. Except for the part where I won all the custody battles. 🙂 He might have been better at math and science, but I was good at the Important Life Stuff. I had an actual emotional connection to our kids, too. That counted for a lot. Actually it counted for everything. (Take notes! Heaven forfend and all that, but just in case!)

    –Anyhow, I thought I might point you to this article “It Takes A Big Man…” Salient stuff, I think.

    –You can toss the Bowflex Guy out the window, too. He’s a completely unreasonable model (and actually kind of hideous in a few ways, if you ask me), as is Barbie.

    BTW, have you ever noticed that Barbie doesn’t really have, err, meaningful parts? She has mounds, not breasts. And they’re not soft or pliant in the nice way real breasts are. Her nether bits don’t really exist, either. (Ken is just as bad: no nipples and a lump).

    –I think we have already established that I don’t like golf because my boobs get in the way.

    Oh, gee. SHOULD I HAVE SCREENED FOR ADULT CONTENT? 😦

    –If a guy wants me to clean a fish, he needs to A) take me fishing (without the guys because they’ll just laugh); B) show me how.

    –I love dogs. Mostly hunting dogs like pointers, setters, and Weimeraners. The really dinky dogs are hard to put up with, though. They’re yippy, excitable dogs, and their bladders aren’t very sturdy.

    –Ummmm, I cook like a dream (honest) and love feeding people who want, or need, to eat.

    –I will probably not turn down sex unless I have the flu or am dying or something. No worries there. I am very shy, though.

    –Cleavage is for him, not his buddies. Get me the “For Him Only” wardrobe! (This comes with being shy.)

    –Are you really sure about pulling the finger? Men don’t ever outgrow that?

    –Oh, and pan flutes? It takes a Real Man to play a pan flute. So I have a Columbian pan flute tape in storage, right? Yeah. I’m surprised those guys haven’t hyperventilated themselves to death. Excellent music. I can clean a three to four bedroom house to that tape. 😉

    @ Brett

    The multitasking thing is funny. Reminds me of the house my mom bought from this aging bachelor. He had mirrors mounted on every wall of his bedroom. The ceiling too. My mom was really grossed out. I thought it was funny.

    @ Friar? You’re an engineer. Does the monitor come out of the ceiling when you want to use it or what?

    Mer 😉

  32. Brett Legree Says:

    @Mer,

    It’s gothic metal, if you can categorize it – the lyrics are quite thoughtful and (for the kind of music I tend to enjoy) somewhat audible 🙂

    I listen to a lot of really off-beat stuff, there was another band kind of like these guys called Paradise Lost that I used to follow years ago.

    (I guess I’m the resident “closet metalhead” around these parts…)


  33. ROFLOL
    @Mer
    Thanks Mer. I love the jacket thing. Scooping is good too I have to agree, and the occasional shushing. As in just shush and enjoy it….:D Yep. Sa-weeet. Manly men. Or the surprise swoop and kiss on the back of your neck in the kitchen… but I digress.

    As for Bowflex Guy, I dated him. And let me tell you, he was more interested in his abs than mine. And no endurance AT ALL. But he loved to cuddle. Yeah, go figure.

    Now just to make Wee Friar’s mom smile, I think we ought to suggest a tutorial called Deep Friar Teaches Women How to Clean a Fish…although letting so many women near sharp blades like that might make the men nervous.

    But maybe then we could get them to talk about their feelings. 🙂 Just saying.

  34. Mer Says:

    @ Janice

    “a tutorial called Deep Friar Teaches Women How to Clean a Fish…although letting so many women near sharp blades like that might make the men nervous.”

    ROFLMAO! 😀

    Re: Farts

    You just say “excuse me,” and move on with your life. If we lived with Queen Elizabeth we wouldn’t be allowed to fart. (MY mother doesn’t according to my daughter. And as a matter of fact, I really don’t think she does!)

    ::horrifed face::

    Poor Steph’s DH and his methane cloud! 😦 But at least he’s not full of hot air.

    Mer

  35. Mer Says:

    Oh, I have a question guys: I recently saw a commercial in which a man shaved his chest(!!) and I don’t think he was a swimmer or a wrestler. Do guys have to do that nowadays?

    Mer

  36. Brett Legree Says:

    “Do guys have to do that (shave their chests) nowadays?”

    Hmm.

    As a Real Man (TM) I will say, no, real men do not shave their chests.

    You know, Vikings, Sean Connery, The Most Interesting Man in the World, and so forth.

    And the only reason why I shave my face, is so my wife will kiss me 😉

  37. Brett Legree Says:

    Career advice from The Most Interesting Man in the World.

    It should be a blog post…

  38. Anonymous Says:

    Honestly there are only two things a woman needs to do to attract a man:
    1. Show up naked.
    2. Bring beer.

  39. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    I don’t think the Master of the Pan flute ever had the foggiest idea his song would go on the Kill Bill sound-track.

    Bet you he enjoyed the Royalty checks, though.

    @XUP
    Oh, it’s not like I spend tons of time writing. I cranked out this post in maybe 40 minutes (spent more time checking the typos than putting down my ideas).

    That still leaves me plent of time for L’amour. (Yet, suprisingly, I’m still single). Go figure.

    @Brett
    Remember George tried for the “Trifecta” (Food, TV, and Sex). But he coudln’t quite do it.

    I’d be the same way.

    @Mer
    Regarding that “Big Man” article. Interesting. I also recently read in the paper, in Britain, women are starting to become more attracted to stocky large men. That seems to be the latest thing.

    Hmm..maybe I should move overseas.

    As for screening for Adult comment. Puh-Leeze. If I haven’t screened these horrendous Viking Death-Rock videos, you don’t’ have anything to worry about.

    And I’m a Chemical Engineer (not a techno geek). I hire people like Brett to install my ceiling monitors.

    @Brett
    I’m just thankful you “Tone it down” here, and dont’ show the truly shocking videos you email me from You-Tube.

    @Janice
    Sometimes, I feel that just for once in my life, I’d like go out with a Bowflex Barbie doll. Only for a few times. To say I did.

    Once I got that out of my system, THEN, …I’ll do the right thing, and go looking for the plain-jane looking type, who has a good heart, who will be my soulmate, that I’ll introduce to Friar’s Mom one day.

    PS. When Friar’s Mom visits to go fishing, I even fillet the fish, and clean them for her.

  40. Friar Says:

    @Mer
    I think I mentionned this before…if you sneeze, spreading your mucus and germs everywhere, they’ll say “BLESS YOU”.

    But if you fart, (which is perfectly harmless), you get dirty looks and yelled at.

    Go figure.

    (PS. Guys NEVER get tired of “Pull my Finger”.

    @Mer and Brett
    Shaving chests. Huh. Unless you’re a competetive body builder or swimmer, I don’t see the point.

    It’s annoying enough shaving my cheeks, around my beard. Can’t see myself worrying about my whole TORSO.

    I agree…the Most Interesting Man in the World dosen’t have a smooth chest, I bet.

    @Anonymous
    You know what…? HARD to argue with that!

    (If I posted that, though, I think the Protest groups would be holding candle-light vigils outside my door right now)

  41. Eyeteaguy Says:

    In the words of Sean Connery as James Bond.
    “Bird make no nest in tree with no leaves”
    There are no compelling reasons to shave your chest. Unless you are really interested in areodynamics.

    Farting is funny.
    Beer is good.
    Naked is awesome.

    Eyeteaguy

  42. Brett Legree Says:

    Here is the proof (watch the surfing scene):

  43. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Farting is funny.
    Beer is good.
    Naked is awesome.

    Sounds like you got the making of a hit Country song there.

    @Brett
    I think this guy is your new hero.

    (His beer isn’t bad, though)

  44. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    Oh, most certainly he is – he’s a bit more “manly” than your run of the mill pitchman the beer companies use.

    And as you say, the beer’s not bad either.

  45. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    He’s certainly a better role model of masculinity, than that idiot park ranger for the Kokonee beer commercial.

    Those old Marlboro men were pretty rugged, too. (back in the manly days when nobody worried about cigarettes).

    They’re probably all dead now, though.

  46. Mer Says:

    @ IT Guy

    In the words of Sean Connery as James Bond.
    “Bird make no nest in tree with no leaves”
    There are no compelling reasons to shave your chest. Unless you are really interested in areodynamics.

    ROFLMAO!! That was good. 🙂

    @ Brett and Friar

    The Most Interesting Man in the World could use a trim. I like a nice beard, with shape. When they get too fluffy they remind me of the 19th century and the days of Kaiser Wilhelm I, the guy with the longest, fluffiest sideburns ever. (His sideburns looked like jump ropes!) Although saying “A Kiss Without A Beard Is Like An Egg without Salt” can be true, as long as the beard and mustache are kept clean (lest they stink). Whiskers also can feel a lot better to a girl’s skin and lips when the whiskers grow some.

  47. Mer Says:

    @ Brett

    As a Real Man (TM) I will say, no, real men do not shave their chests.

    That’s good. I was scandalized, really. Men are *supposed* to be the furry ones!

    Mer

  48. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    Yeah, they are probably all dead now. But at least they looked cool.

    @Mer,

    I must be the prototypical man, then 🙂

  49. Friar Says:

    @Mer and Brett

    Does hair in the nose and ears count?

  50. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    ::shudder::

    That’s what barbers are for. One should not look as if wanting to cultivate vegetation. I realize that the older some men get the more they tend to have in ears and nose, but you don’t want pine trees sprouting from any of your cephalic orifices.

    Mer

  51. Ed Says:

    Wow! Interesting stuff about shaving. I used to have both a beard and mustache. Grew the mustache as soon as I could and the beard followed about a decade later. I look very young for my age and the facial hair seemed to correct that somewhat. How young did I look? I was still getting “carded” when I was 27!

    Now that I am older, I’ve decided to ditch the facial hair. Many have said they prefer the new look.

    But comments like “A Kiss Without A Beard Is Like An Egg without Salt” make me wonder and shaving every day is such a drag. Not to mention that I strongly dislike the idea of giving in to the money grabbing schemes used by the shaving industry.

    So why is shaving so important? I admit that Brett has a good point about kisses from loved ones. Comments?

  52. svc Says:

    Funny. You can take the first one off of the ladies list though. Attached / married does not stop the boys.

    You forgot about romance, and love making (instead groping) on the men’s list.


  53. […] Tips on how to attract the opposite sex – TheDeepFriar – This blog is required reading for making you laugh, and personal growth. The Deep Friar has a great style of writing and the blog is going to be huge in a few months time. […]


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