The World as we’d know it, if the PC-Granola-Crunchers had their way.

Halloween is canceled for being insensitive and misogynistic. (After all, weren’t women burned at the stake as witches in the 1600’s?).  Therefore, it’s  not appropriate to have little girls dress up in costumes and trivialize this travesty of history.   Plus the monster costumes and ghosts invoke images of violence and fear.

Instead, we’ll have a Post-Equinox Celebration, where trick-or-treaters dress up in gender-neutral earth-toned jumpsuits.  Nobody goes door-to-door and asks for candy, though.    It rots the teeth, and leaves a huge carbon footprint.   Instead, kids will ask for contributions to be made in the name of their favorite charity.  (Now…WON’T that be FUN?)

Anybody who dares mention the “C” word (related to December 25th) will be sent to re-education camp, and have that offensive word erased from their memory by frontal lobotomy.  Any decorations invoking images of the “C-word” shall be destroyed.   Even red-and-green decor is considered inappropriate.    Instead, people will be encouraged to decorate their homes with wheat-grass and play the pan flute while sipping decaf Mango-Chutney herbal tea.

Every mountain peak will have a paved road to the top and will be wheelchair-accessible.  This way, everyone gets an equal chance to enjoy mountaineering, not just the fully-abled climbers.  (Actually, they way things are going in the lower 48, seems we’re halfway there already).

Nobody in North America will be allowed to have any more kids, until each and every unwanted child in African and Asia is adopted and accounted for.  Voluntary suicide is highly encouraged, to help save Mother Earth and reduce your carbon footprint.   You can do this at the nearest Govt. VEB’s (Voluntary Extinction Booths), where you will be dispatched, and your body is dried, mulched, and spread as compost on organic Adzuki-bean farms.

Schools will no longer grade the students, because report cards create an oppressive atmosphere of competition, which is stressful to the less-genius children. Instead of A’s, B’s and F’s, every child will receive an “EW”.  (“Everybody Wins”).

In fact, teachers are no longer required, because this is just an artifact of our male-dominated Euro-centric society.    Insated, the children will be left alone in a classroom, to teach themselves what they FEEL like learning.  Whenever they chose to.

Websters Dictionary will be re-written, to eliminate all words with “his”.   (In Statistics 101 class, for example, histograms will now be known as “their-o-grams”.)

Protest groups will demand Prison Equity.  It’s not fair that most convicted felons are male.  The ratio should be 50-50.   In order to equalize the numbers, many women receive harsh 10-15 year sentences for minor offenses like littering or parking violations.

Synagogues will be obliged to have prayer mats, in case anyone might show up and want to pray to Mecca.  By the same token, mosques will have offer kosher food to anyone who wants it.   But there will be a nation-wide ban on pork products for  all sausage vendors.

You can no longer discriminate against a job candidate because of race, sex, age, skills, education, attitude, body odor, or shoe size.   In fact, it will be against the law if you interview someone and NOT hire them.

The Air-Force will be forced to re-design the canopies of their fighter jets and provide custom-made helmets, to accommodate all manner of the religious head-gear in their pilots.

Everyone will walk, run, jump, swim, read, cycle, kayak and hope to raise a trillion dollars to cure every disease known to mankind.   Only there’s no money to left to collect, because everyone’s been too busy running, jumping, swimming, reading, cycling or kayaking.

Ultra-Vegans will try to find a way to survive without eating anything that came from any living organism (including veggies, yeast, and mold).   Surprisingly, they all die off and the initiative fails.

The term “secretary” is considered offensive, as is “administrative assistant” and “administrative professional”.    From now on, these people must be called “Super-Phd Senior Ultra-Management Administrative Alpha-Level Team Professional Leaders”.

Children will be required to wear a helmet any time there’s a weather alert threatening heavy rain or snow.    And no sunblock less than SPF 30,000 will be allowed.

Whales will be given their own sovereignty, as part of the Whale Nation.   They will become  Citizens of the World, spreading their whale-calls of hope and joy to the rest of the planet.  We’ll award them damages for the abuses they received in the past century.  They’ll be given a seat in the United Nations, though it will actually be a huge aquarium, and will take up half the UN assembly hall.

The whales will sit there going  “MMMMUUUUUU MUUUUU”  the whole time, but nobody will able to understand them.   (Except the Togo delegates, for some strange reason).

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26 Comments on “The World as we’d know it, if the PC-Granola-Crunchers had their way.”

  1. Allison Day Says:

    *giggle* Adzuki bean fields… 😀

  2. Friar Says:

    @Allison

    I put that one in there, especially for you.

  3. Jazz Says:

    From now on, these people must be called “Super-Phd Senior Ultra-Management Administrative Alpha-Level Team Professional Leaders”

    And yet, we’ll still basically be baby sitters for a bunch of immature pseudo-managers, letting them think they run the office.

  4. Kyddryn Says:

    Oh…my…goodness…tears streaming down face…sides aching…

    We’d still have Samhain, though, right? I mean…after all that burning and persecuting, shouldn’t us Witches get to keep OUR holidays?? C’mon – I LOVE carving pumpkins and sending my spawn out to beg for candy from strangers! And Yule, too…don’t forget Yule…

    I am NOT drinking Mango-Chutney tea for anyone or anything. Bleh.

    Nor will I play the pan-flute…but I’ll lip synch to some Zamphyr (or however you spell his name).

    Funny you should mention freeze-drying and mulch. In Sweden, they’ve been working on a technology to do just that, freeze-dry and then mulch human remains, to be placed in a little “coffin” made of corn starch and buried under a tree or rosebush or whatever.It’s really kind of cool… No mention of Adzuki beans though…

    Will I HAVE to walk, run, jump, swim, whatever for my cause? Can’t I just sit? Yeah…sitting to end apathy! Woo-hoo!

    Super-PhD-whosie-whatsies…good grief…hush, Friar, before you give people ideas!

    I’m going to make some tea, now (NOT mango-anything) and contemplate living in a cave because I’m surrounded by the PC parade and it makes my brain hurt.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who laughed so hard when she read this, she scared the kitten – who would be referred to as an “enslaved animal companion” by the uber-PC)

  5. Brett Legree Says:

    This is why we need a good World War (conventional only) to weed out these people.

    Send ’em into a wall of flying steel and then ask ’em if they have an opinion.

  6. Friar Says:

    @Jazz

    At least you’ll rank up higher on the food chain than us lowly engineers.

    Seriously…where I work, all the admins. command more power and respect than the engineers and scientists that keep the Factory going.

    The admins. get the biggest and best offices, too.

  7. Friar Says:

    @Kyydryn

    Well, I’m glad at least SOMEONE found my post funny! (I thought it was pretty good myself, but the crickets seem to be chirping today, on the Deep Friar). I was worried that I was losing my touch.

    I never understood those charity events. I’m not putting down the people who participate. But why don’t we just give them the money, and not make them DO something?

    It’s almost like we need to see people go through some level of discomfort, before we’re willing to donate any money.

    Why can’t we just all go out for a beer? Nobody has to run or swim or hop-scotch 25 km. And the money we save not having to organize the event goes to the charity.

    @Brett
    Oooh, harsh.

    But good point. What would these people have done 65 years ago, if we had asked them to invade the beaches of Normandy?

    They’d probably have offered to sit down with the Nazis during a candle-light vigil, and and tried to resolve our differences with a tantric-yoga herbal tea.

  8. Brett Legree Says:

    It does sound harsh, I agree – but there’s truth to what I said.

    No normal person 100 years ago (or even 60) had time to sit around thinking stuff like that. Everyone was too busy working and trying to survive.

    I suppose we should be so lucky as to be able to pursue idle activities and the like.

    Sometimes, good things come out of it, but so much of it is wheel-spinning.

    Note, I am part of this club as well.

    Two hundred or five hundred years ago, I wouldn’t be sitting around saying, “I hate my job”.

    Then again, I’d probably have chopped my manager’s head off by now, with a rusty axe, and eaten his eyes.

    (Of course, I’m almost 40, so I’d probably have died of pneumonia or a rotten tooth 10 years ago!)

  9. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Managers wouldn’t have existed 500 years ago.

    Good leaders had to be smarter and/or stronger than everyone else. Any mediocrity would not have been tolerated.

    (…as in, the losers would have gotten dispatched with a battle-axe, like you say).

    Glad we have modern denstisry and antiobiotics, though.

  10. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    The adzuki bean fields is hysterical.

    I love it all, but as you may know, I am willing to play the pan flute to keep the holiday-neutral peace. So I must object deeply to that, and picket your house.

    I shall be driving there in a large gas-guzzler. Maybe I’ll bring a few friends… we’ll caravan, of course, because I don’t want them crowding me in the car. But our signs will all be on recycled posterboard.

    I have to go now. You made me hungry for a granola bar.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  11. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    Oh, yes, I remember our “big debate” over the dreaded C-word on your blog that year. There’s where we respectfully disagree.

    So I’d say you might sample/nibble the granola a little bit…but you’re not a full-fledged cruncher just yet.

    Okay..now you got me hungry too. (But for some red meat).

  12. Kelly Says:

    Only for business purposes and greeting strangers, dear Friar. Otherwise, I am the most nutty-for-Christmas person in the universe.

    C’mon, I grew up on Bing Crosby—he could make almost anybody long for a White Christmas. And I was a young, perfection seeking adult in the Age of Martha (Stewart). That caps off a Christmas craze quite nicely.

    We half agree.

    Later,

    Kelly

  13. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    For me, it was the Charlie Brown Christmas tree, The Grinch, and Rudolph.

    (But forget The Little Drummer Boy…I never liked that ass-clown).

  14. Kelly Says:

    Oh, of course I love them all, and 350 repeats of It’s a Wonderful Life isn’t too many, either.

    You don’t like The Little Drummer Boy? Still makes me cry every time. Poor thing… such majesty when he discovers pure love. *sniffle*

  15. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    I was traumatized as a kid when the Drummer Boys’ parents got murdered.

    But….for some reason, I just could NOT like him. (Not like all the other Rankin-Bass characters).

    Kid annoys me.

    Dunno why. He just DOES.

  16. Brett Legree Says:

    That’s why I’m more interested in the pre-Christian / pre-whatever celebrations, that way I can say, “hey you kids, stop fighting, this is the *real meaning* of this time of year – get drunk and have fun”.

    🙂

  17. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I’m dying of ebola or marburg virus (might be the hantavirus but I’m not sure)but I still laughed. At least there weren’t any pictures of effing dogs or dead fish.

    And I’m a Christian so I say Merry Christmas. If you were Jewish and you said Happy Hannukah I’d be ok with that, wanna know why? Because you’re Jewish. If you say Happy Holidays then I know you are a rotten PC Bastard who doesn’t beleive in anything.

    Eyecoughguy

  18. Brett Legree Says:

    Can’t be ebola or there’d be blood shooting out of your eyes.

    (Is there blood shooting out of your eyes?)

  19. Eyeteaguy Says:

    No, but my skin is sloughing off.

    Eyeskinnlessguy

  20. Karen JL Says:

    This is a great lead-in for that religion post Friar.

    Just sayin’. 😉 *nudgenudge winkwink*

  21. Brett Legree Says:

    That’s him in the corner.

    That’s Friar in the spot – light, losing his religion.

    🙂

  22. Karen JL Says:

    It’s the end of the world…as we know it…

  23. Brett Legree Says:

    And Friar feels fine…

  24. davinahaisell Says:

    I don’t have a comment (THAT’s a C word)… I just came (oops, another C word) here to read everybody else’s C-c-c-comments 🙂 That’s okay right? There aren’t any rules on The Deep Friar are there?

  25. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    That’s why we can always count on you to write some Viking blog post about some obscure pagan holiday. 🙂

    @Eyeteaguy
    I sure hope it’s only Marburg, because I think the mortality rate is something like 50% (compared to Ebola, which is closer to 90%).

    That explains why the comments are only in the 20’s today, though.

    @Brett
    Sometimes at work, blood will shoot out of my nose. But I think that’s just my brain, reacting to the bureaucracy ,and I’m having a mini-stroke.

    @Karen
    A post on religion?

    What’re you trying to do, get me killed here?

    (What am I saying…of COURSE you are).

    PS. I’ll feel fine…TOMORROW. When my vacation starts at 4:25 PM.

    @davina
    The only rules at the Deep Friar..is there ARE no rules.

    And besides, I have no control over this blog, anyway. Especially when the Ying-Yang brothers (Brett and Eyeteaguy) show up.


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