Eight Anti-Zen Tips to Help Complicate your Life

Michi-6

1. Remember to Breathe…
…hard!   And grunt when you do so.

Think about that a-hole who took your parking spot.  Or your boss yelling you at work.   Gettin’ mad?    Do you feel your breathing getting  shallow and fast?

Good!  Now, start becoming aware of your body.  Listen to the tight breaths whistle between your clenched teeth.   Feel your jaw ache.   Keep this up, till your head throbs.

Do you feel a tightness in your chest?

Ahhh, excellent, Grasshopper.

That means you’ve getting it right.


2.  Keep a Proper Diet

Forget the nuts and berries crap.   What do those Buddhist monks know anyway?  Sure, they live long.  And they’ll probably reach Enlightenment.

But lookit how skinny they are.   Bet you guys never enjoyed a good Porterhouse in their life.

Just remember the four basic Anti-Zen food-groups:   Sugar, Salt, Caffeine and Fat.

Discipline yourself.    If you make a small effort, it wont’ take too much effort to get all these basic food groups in one shot.

A McDonalds’ Big Mac Meal.    Donuts and Coffee.   Movie theater popcorn with a gallon-sized tub of soda.   Any one of these snack will meet all your daily “Vitamin J” requirements.


3.  Don’t be afraid to F*#$ing Swear a Lot

Hmph.  Those Zen folks getting all high and mighty about never losing their temper.   On account of they’ve learned to accept things that they cannot change…yadda yadda yadda.

Yeaaah, right.

You know damned well they’re just bottling it up, and it’s a recipe for  a heart attack at age 39.

A true Anti-Zen Master lives in the Moment.    And often that moment dictates that if you’re pissed off about something,  you need to vent off some steam and let the whole world know.

That’s when swearing comes in.

The best profanity invokes images of humans and animals engaged in various acts of carnality.  You may also want to include the deity of your choice.

So let loose.  Don’t be afraid.  Be creative.

But if you’re not the artistic type, hey, there’s nothing wrong with dropping the classic F-Bomb.


4.  Exercise
Ideally,  try a sport that involves a motorized vehicle of some sort.   Fishing with a motor boat.  Snow-mobiling.   Motorcycling, or any kind of off-road driving.

If you MUST do something physical, at least make it something intense, where you can get really aggressive and yell at people, and risk tearing some cartilage.

Tennis is a good one (think of John MacEnroe).  Touch football is also highly-rated (so long as it’s actually tackle).  Golf is also good (provided you remember to get really MAD when you miss your putt.)

But none of that Yoga bullshit.   (C’mon!  What USE is that?)

If I can’t touch my elbows together under my knees, then so be it.  I could live with that.  (Especially being a guy)

And forget Tai-Chi…(I mean…WTF?)

Unless you speed it up..and then you’re doing kung-fu.  (Which at least falls into the acceptable aggressive/injury category).


5.  Motivate Yourself with Appropriate Music

Sorry, Zamfir, Master of the Pan flute, but you gotta go.   So does Enya, whale-songs, and any other music that belongs in a Tampon ad.

Replace this with heavy metal.   Preferably Viking Death-Metal.

If the music doesn’t make you feel like smashing your head into a brick wall, then it ain’t Anti-Zen.

This is an excellent exercise, to help you with your hard breathing.


6.  Un-Clutter your Environment

Do you have too much crap around your house?   Are you feeling crowded and cluttered?

Easy solution.   Move to a bigger house.     Now you can spread out more, and your home will feel emptier.

Repeat as often as necessary, until you die.


7.  Find Good Role Models.

There are lots of Anti-Zen Masters out there.

Here are some, to name a few.

– John MacEneroe (as mentionned above)
– Chef Gordon Ramsay
– American Idol Contestants (the shitty ones, at the beginning of the season).
– Oscar the Grouch
– My Grade 11 English Teacher

Observe them.   Follow them.   BE them.

Because one day, you will.


8. Keep a Closed Mind
You made it this far in life…so obviously you’re doing SOMETHING right.    So WHY change things now?

The last thing you want to do, is read all kinds of books and blogs with tips on how to improve your life.

Think for yourself, and just ignore all those do-gooders trying to help you.

Starting this this post.

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33 Comments on “Eight Anti-Zen Tips to Help Complicate your Life”

  1. Davina Says:

    Holy wow… I can’t figure out if I’ve become immune to your “rant” posts now, or if I’m just all zen-like and not bothered by your comment about yoga and Enya. Nah, I think I’m just in denial… come to think of it, there was a faint whistling between clenched teeth… In all honesty? I think you should add the Deep Friar to that list of role models 🙂

  2. Davina Says:

    Oh, I forgot… great pictures. Especially the last one. Those clouds are something else!

  3. Friar Says:

    @Davina
    Oh, I’m not a Role-Model yet. I’m still learning from the Masters.

    And (*insert tongue in cheek here*), you should know how seriously to take my rant posts, by now.

    PS. I like the storm clouds. I was disappointed the last photo didn’t end up a tornado.

  4. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    WOW, the second photo is amazing. (the first one’s nice, too, but it’s just too calming for me to get the proper tension-headache going…)

    #1–4, check. Once a week, probably, for any of those. The rest of the time I’m trying to avoid #1–4.

    I don’t think my idea of hard rock qualifies for #5. I don’t want to bang my head against a wall, just roll down the car windows and wail along. Guess I have work to do on that.

    #6, oh lordy, I wish.

    #7, well-known fact that I adore Gordon Ramsay. He does what I wish I could. But he must pay big bills for blood-pressure meds, eh?

    It’s #8 where I really fall off the anti-zen wagon. Hi, I’m Kelly, and if it’s how-to or helpful, I love to read it. I admit I have a problem… I’m a nonfiction addict. 🙂

    Nice list. All in moderation… oops, that doesn’t go with anti-zen, either!

    Regards,

    Kelly

  5. Brett Legree Says:

    You forgot “get drunk *before* going to work, especially when you have important meetings”.

    I mean, after all, it helps to relax and take the edge off, right?

    🙂

    In all seriousness, I wonder what the “zen bloggers” will write about when it is no longer the flavour of the month.

  6. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    You are quite a women of contrasts. Because you admit to practicing a lot of these Anti-Zen techniques. Yet you come across as being so well-balanced and calm. I sense you’re teetering on the balance point….

    Come over to the Dark Side. Join us. 😉

    PS. Gorden Ramsay is kind of growing on me. (Don’t really like him in Hell’s Kitchen, but in Kitchen Nightmares, he takes on a human form).

    @Brett
    Drinking would work. Unless you work for a factory, where you’re considered “Unfit for work”, if you go to a restaurant for lunch, and have ONE BEER. (Even if you don’t operate any equipment, and just push paper at a desk).

    Speaking of Flavours-of-the-Month, whatever happened to all the “SEO” bloggers? (I mean, wasn’t that all the rage a year ago?)

    Maybe they became the Zen Bloggers.

    Wonder what they’ll be next year?

  7. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    It’s all those books I’ve read. Actually I ODed on self-improvement long ago but the zen lessons stay with me.

    I’m half-truck-driver, half prim lady. (That’s New England Irish for ya.) It’s always worked for me as long as I can keep my inner truck-driver in line.

    Gordon Ramsay rocks. ‘Nuff said.

    Until later,

    Kelly

  8. Brett Legree Says:

    Apparently Friar we are already unfit for some duties.

    Most companies would consider a Ph.D. engineer as a good management candidate, but around The Factory, a maximum of a Grade 12 education is a requirement.

    You must of course play hockey in the local league, otherwise you will be locked out.

  9. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Don’t forget the Splat Creek golf course. That’s the maker-or-breaker of management careers, here.

  10. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    Yeah, I can only read X-number of Self-help books. After a while, they all say the same thing.

    I think we’ve become self-help junkies. (Or grandparents didn’t have to worry about this kind of thing…I guess they were occupied with other interests..like putting food on the table and fighting the Nazis).


  11. LOL. Great tips! They made me laugh so much!

  12. Mer Says:

    I have salt, fat and caffeine down. Mickie D’s not so much.

    Like the pics bunches! 🙂

  13. Captain Push Says:

    “What do those Buddhist monks know anyway? Sure, they live long.”

    What is it with those dudes? I mean, I remember them pouring gasoline on themselves and lighting a match?
    What’s the point of living healthy and eating right if you’re going to self-immolate?

    This requires Friar’s wisdom. Only HE can answer this question.

  14. Brett Legree Says:

    @Captain Push,

    You have to stick around long enough to find a cause worthy of self-immolation – hence the need for healthy living and eating, to prolong one’s life and ensure one can go out in a blaze of glory…

    @Friar,

    For a minute there, I thought you said you could only read X-rated self-help books.

    Those would probably sell really well, eh?

  15. Friar Says:

    @Anonymously
    Ahhh…I see another potential convert/disciple.

    @Mer
    Rotten Ronnies is just an example. But you can get your four basic food groups lots of other places. The Principle of Anti-Zen respects all sources of poor nutrition.

    @Captain
    I think maybe if those monks got to eat a nice steak once in a while, they’d be more content and realize they have a lot more to live for. And they wouldn’t be torching themselves.

    @Brett
    Freudian slip, there, maybe? (I should have said “N” number of books).

    But yes, those would SELL. (Maybe that’s the next flavor-of-the-month).

  16. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Here, here.

    And monks get alms. i.e. they beg. That is why they are so skinny. People are cheap!

    Eyeteaguy

  17. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Exactly. Maybe if those monks did less contemplating the universe and spent more time getting jobs and working, they woudln’ have to beg for alms.

    Other monks to this. Like the ones in Oka, Quebec. They make their famous cheese, which they sell (And presumably eat).

    Bet you none of THEM are skinny.

  18. XUP Says:

    Your posts (and comments) always have an interesting juxtapostion of the sardonic and the real man grasping for sanity in an insane world. The challenge to readers is to figure out which is which. Me, I fluctuation between wanting to give you a big old hug whilst patting you on the head and giving you a smack upside the head

  19. Brett Legree Says:

    What is “sane” anyway?

  20. Kelly Says:

    “…an interesting juxtapostion of the sardonic and the real man grasping for sanity in an insane world…”

    Friar, I think you first book jacket has just been written for you.

    Love that phrase, XUP!

    Until later,

    Kelly

  21. Kelly Says:

    your first book jacket…

    *sigh*

  22. Captain Push Says:

    “Your posts (and comments) always have an interesting juxtapostion of the sardonic and the real man grasping for sanity in an insane world. The challenge to readers is to figure out which is which. Me, I fluctuation between wanting to give you a big old hug whilst patting you on the head and giving you a smack upside the head”

    Friar, can you get me some of whatever this dude is smoking? I promise to share with Brett and Eye.

  23. Brett Legree Says:

    @Captain Push,

    I’ll bring the hookah pipe.

  24. Friar Says:

    @XUP
    Umm…thanks…?

    I must admit, you’re the first person to ever describe me that way.

    @Brett
    What’s sane?

    I check to see who the person is inside my head. If it’s me, then I know I’m okay.

    @Kelly
    Yeah, I think XUP would be an excellent choice to write the short bio about me. for the book jacket.

    @Captain
    That’s XUP..and she’s not a dude. She’s a she.

    And dont’ worry. She’s all right. We always banter back and forth like this or each other’s blogs.

  25. Karen JL Says:

    I only want to smack you upside the head.

    …but that’s just me.

  26. Kelly Says:

    I love Karen SO much.

    🙂

  27. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Can I get both…a smack upside the head, THEN a hug?

    @Kelly

    Aww…c’mon, Kelly. Admit it. You want to smack me upside the head too.

  28. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Maybe when I write posts like this, I should wear a hockey helmet.

  29. Mer Says:


    I check to see who the person is inside my head. If it’s me, then I know I’m okay.

    How do you know it’s you? How can you be SURE?

    ::wicked grin::

    LOLs @ helmet remark. 😀

    Mer

  30. Friar Says:

    @Mer

    I just paraphrased that line from “Brain Damage” from Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

    And I wear a hockey helmet because I’M SPESHULLL. 😉

  31. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    LLLLLLL-Liven’ a Lie!


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