A Single Person’s Open Letter of Apology to Parents

Dear Parents  (Moms, Dads, Mommy-Bloggers, Helicopter parents, Breeding-Couples everywhere);

On behalf of single people everywhere, I apologize.

I’m sorry for only putting in 80% of the effort into  maintaining our friendship.   It should be 100%,  the onus should lie squarely on me.   I should realize you’re Moms and Dads now, and that you are no longer able to take 5 minutes to drop a line to your best friends every few months.

From now on I will do all the driving, visiting,  calling and emailing.   Rest assured, you’re now officially exempt form these duties for the next 16 years.

I’m also sorry for wanting to have a “conversation” with you, for wanting to tell you about MY life as well.

I should be more sensitive to your needs, and realize that it’s basically a monologue you want to deliver, about astounding tales of your wonderful offspring.   And it’s my duty to be mesmerized and enthralled by each and every detail, over what Kirsten had for breakfast and what Adrian did at pre-kindergarten.

I should also realize that any moment,  we can be interrupted mid-sentence by a random toddler screaming “Mommy!  Mommy!  Mommy!“.    I shouldn’t be annoyed at this, because our Precious Children need to express themselves and be listened to, 100% of the time, 24/7.   We must respect that.

I’m sorry that I get bored, after the first few hundred baby photos.   It was easier in the old days, before digital cameras.   But (please bear with me),  I find it hard to pay attention on dozens of snapshots of the same scene.   I mean, there are only so many ways I can look at a baby sitting on a floor sucking Duplo blocks.

I’m sorry that I roll my eyes about breast-feeding, when the kid’s old enough to Trick or Treat for Halloween candy and cut the meat on his plate.    What do I know?  By all means, go ahead and nurse the kid until he’s 15.  When they’re old enough to be weaned,  they’ll tell you.

I’m sorry for being annoyed at a screaming 1-month old infant in a movie theater.   I should be more patient, and understand that it’s more important for the two parents to get out of the house, than it is for the 300 people who paid $10 admission to enjoy the show.   After all (as I learned from Star Trek), sometimes the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many.

I’m sorry you find your $1200 government child allowance insufficient.    You see, I didn’t  get ANY tax rebate.   But let me know how much you want.   I’ll just dig deeper in my pockets, and pay more tax myself, to cover your needs.

As for you Moms, I’m sorry your careers haven’t progressed as quickly as the rest of ours.  The fact that you take a year off now and then to have kids  should in NO WAY put you at a disadvantage on those who regularly work the full 52 weeks every year.   Just say the word.  I’ll gladly turn down my promotions and pay raises, and ask that it be put aside for the next person who comes back from mat leave.

And last, and most importantly of all, I’m truly, truly sorry for not being one of you.

You see,   I’ve been told again and again, that there is NOTHING more important than raising a child.

And I shamefully haven’t fulfilled this duty….The Most Important Thing in Our Society.

No, I’ve been pursuing my own interests like education, career, travel, hobbies, art, music, friends, family  and volunteering.

Not to mention working full-time and paying my share of taxes , so that Junior can have access to free health care and public schooling, and disadvantaged single parents can get welfare.

But now that I think of it, that’s all been pretty damned SELFISH of me.

I should have realized that anything I accomplish, no matter how important, still comes in a distant second, compared to parents who make babies.

I mean, if you’re not raising kids, then what the Hell did God put you on Earth here for?  What’s the point of it all, then?

(…So I’ve been told).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dress sack-cloth and ashes, and repent.

And when I’m done, I promise I’ll try to find the right mate to pair-bond with, so that I can ultimately join the rest of you.

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77 Comments on “A Single Person’s Open Letter of Apology to Parents”

  1. Patricia Says:

    Very funny Friar….and you are correct on every score.
    and since all of my children are headed towards not parenting in their future maybe you could write an instruction manual on how to?

    Most of the new parents I spent time with were drug addicts, alcoholics, and losers in general, I would have loved see caring and attention being paid.
    I did get a great deal of that during carpool, because my children’s friends parents truly wanted private school for their precious kiddo…and I ended up home schooling because my children got no attention from teachers because I was not in the school’s face – actually I home schooled because my oldest had to stare down a gun being pointed at her and then the perp. was assigned to her to face his victim and since the teachers did not even know her name and were saying she had “low self-esteem”…she walked home and never went back…

    I think parents have gone a bit overboard – it is true and all the pictures are overwhelming….one of the big problems is they are not teaching how to be part of a culture and society because they are so special and important.

    It is a way to feel significant and important they just get so overwhelmed they forget to return the favor.

    They want your approval but are unwilling to return the right…

  2. Brett Legree Says:

    “I mean, if you’re not raising kids, then what the Hell did God put you on Earth here for? What’s the point of it all, then?”

    When you die, you will contribute biomass to the ecosystem for the next generation.


  3. Karen JL Says:

    Nice knowing you Friar. I’m sure the crazy Mommy Bloggers now have hit out on your ass. 😉

    (Try being a woman and feeling this way…sacrilege!)

  4. Karen JL Says:

    @ Brett – That’s why I’ll be cremated. 😉

  5. Brett Legree Says:

    @Karen JL,

    You do know what will happen *then*, don’t you?

    (Tyler’s gonna use your ashes to make lye for soap!)

    One way or another, we’ll all be recycled…

  6. Bandobras Says:

    The important thing is you now see the error of your ways and haven’t become mean and sarcastic about it. Good for you. Now go forth and multiply or at least add.

  7. Karen JL Says:

    @ Brett – Tyler can do whatever he wants with me. He’s HAWT. 😉

  8. Brett Legree Says:

    @Karen JL,

    Touche 🙂

  9. Patricia Says:

    Friar has gone fishing right or he is driving over to Brett’s to enjoy his kids for a change?

  10. Brett Legree Says:

    If he is on his way over, he’ll have to help the babysitter look after the kids because we’re going out 🙂

  11. Patricia Says:

    Brett, then maybe he has taken the dog for a walk?

  12. Friar Says:

    Having a gun pointed at your kid. Yep. That would certainly be a good reason for home-schooling.

    Somehow, I was hoping my contribution would be a bit more significant, than “Worm Food”.

    If they haven’t’ strung me up and disemboweled me by now…they probably won’t.

    No, we should never rant or be sarcastic. Because that could lead to satire, and we certainly DON’T want to see that on Blogo-Land.

    From now on, I’ll be as sensitive and understanding as the Uber-Parents who’ve reminded me, to my face, that Life is only Worth Living, if you have kids.

    Yeah…I was out fishing all afternoon, actually . Just got back now.

    You’re going out? Awww…okay..

    Guess we can do Beerz another night, then.

  13. Kyddryn Says:

    Friar…darlin’…you’re too cute.

    I find myself having to explain, over and over, that just because I spawned an Evil Genius doesn’t mean he’s the sum total of my existence and identity. I was SOMEONE before I was Mommy, I had friends and a life dang it, and that didn’t change!

    He’s MY spawn, so I HAVE to deal with/put up with/adore him…I don’t expect anyone else to care (but am delighted when people do, because…duh…he’s only the most brilliant child ever!!)

    Until last year, I didn’t even carry photos of him on my person – I KNOW what he looks like, why do I need a picture?? I only carry them now because I got such a ration of shit over NOT having the dad-blasted things…and I was losing major Mommy Points, which is seems I will need should I wish to win. Win what? I have no idea, only that there’s a points system and I am lagging somewhere near the back, behind Joan Crawford.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who’s thinking about changing her name to Slacker Mommy”)

  14. Friar Says:


    Wow…I didn’t realize there were “Rules” that other parents enforce. Like making sure you carry photos of your kids.

    But your secret’s safe with me. I wont’ report your Slackness to the Mommy-Blogger police.

    I’m not all that mean as some people think I might sound. I certainly don’t mind talking about peoples kids, just so long as it’s not 100% of the conversation.

    I actually do know quite a few parents (Moms and Dads) who are still their own person, that you can still have a conversation with. (Brett’s one of them).

    Those people are few and far between. But they’re the ones I try to hang out with.

  15. Patricia Says:

    I just knew it – fishing. My guy made it to the Columbia River on his bike – riding over to Astoria tomorrow – says he is having great fun and eating well.
    Several Mountain passes to go….

    I’m making apple juice and playing on the computer something I usually don’t do on Saturdays…bring your fish over and we can have dinner! 😉

  16. Brett Legree Says:


    Heh heh, well, we’re all eventually either worm food or the base for Tyler’s soap, right?

    Dust in the wind and all that hippie bullshit.

  17. Kelly Says:


    You know, if you do yer dag-nab duty, you get 1200 bucks out of the deal. And that ain’t no one-time shot, neither. I mean, one year, that could add up to a 10th of what you pay to keep the li’l dude in shorts and Caillou dolls, then later, it could be a 50th of the cost of educating the brat when he heads to uni! Such a deal!

    You should look into it more closely. Spreading the wealth by supporting industries that tear pence out of parents’ pockets is a far better way to spread the wealth than paying all those single-people’s taxes.

    Plus hey, you won’t have to fill all that free time with nasty self-fulfillment like fishing and painting and strumming your dusty guitar and work. You can work your eight hours, then come home and work another six (or until you drop) on wondering where the floor went and how everyone else eats when there’s never a clean dish and all the rest. (Don’t forget to do it all lovingly… little pitchers have big ears!) Passes the time, y’know.

    And if you’re worried that your job’s too secure as a single, join us and you can get calls from the school for nosebleeds and barfing and fevers and snowdays, and get threatened by your boss about using sick days when YOU aren’t the one who’s sick (which is still against the rules in many places) like the rest of the world.

    Except for The Kid (which is the payoff, of course), I kinda like the look of that single-person gig you’ve got. 🙂

    Which is my way of saying, I’m with Kyddryn. I had and have a life, your life is your biz, I try (usually) never to subject people to much more than required info about The Kid unless they’re askin’, I desperately WANT to know about anybody’s life but my own pleaseplease, and um… I confess. I only just recently stuck a photo of The Kid in my wallet, too.

    Not because people were bugging me, though that did happen. I got the idea that for security’s sake (we spend a lot of time in urban areas), if we were ever separated, I should be able to say what she looks like more than “well, the last time I saw her she was blonde and she didn’t comb her hair, and there was probably a stain on her clothes somewhere, because darn it she can’t keep anything clean….”

    I’m such a doting mama but it might not always come across. Hehe.

    Good rant as always!



  18. Kelly Says:

    Ooops, that was a bit lengthy. LOL.

    Just a tad…

  19. Brett Legree Says:

    Yeah, it was a “work party” for my wife’s work group, and the spouses were invited.

    It was pretty good actually (pig roast).

  20. Friar Says:

    Well, sure having a kids is hard work. But it’s a lifestyle choice. Some people have kids. Some people get PhDs… some chose to climb Mt. Everest. Each Life Choice involve some kind of commitment. Each comes with it’s advantages and disadvantages.

    Single people have lots of free time to fish and do artwork or yoga, or whatever it is they want to do.

    On the other hand, (not complaining, just stating facts), they’ll never know the joy of having raising one of their own (that’s so often pointed out to them). They come home to an empty house every day, with no kid to hug them. It can get lonely.

    And the reason they’ll do all their extra travel and hobbies, is because it helps fill in all those extra hours for free time.

    A single life-style is for some, but not for everyone. (Though I seem to enjoy it right now)

    As for money, I didn’t really mind parents getting that additional $1200 tax break. (Heck, they already get other tax deductions, and I’m paying property tax for schools I’m not using). But that’s the way it is…I’m used to it, I don’t mind.

    But what got me were the parents complaining about it. The $1200 is not enough. Wah.

    Well, nobody put a gun to their heads, and forced them to have kids. And they need to be reminded, that WHERE does that extra tax break come from? From the big pot, that we all pay into. The extra money they get, means it’s not going to someone else. They just need to realize that.

    (Oops…that was lengthy too)

    But for the record, I don’t’ consider you a Mommy-Blogger. You’re still pretty cool. 😉

    Aww..I had a boring night, farting around on TV and Twitter (See? That’s what single people do on Saturday).

    But I was tired from paddling around all afternoon and catching huge bass.

  21. Friar Says:


    No fish to fry yesterday. It was strictly catch-and-release.

  22. Brett Legree Says:

    Well, the good news is, they haven’t stopped making beer, and I’m free all week long 🙂 so if you’re around let me know.

  23. Kelly Says:


    That’s why I adore your rants. You hit every point perfectly. Among other things, complaining about not getting enough back from the gov’t is ludicrous. First, because there is NO WAY the government could possibly begin to cover the cost of raising a kid (which was the point I was making… sort of…), and second, because covering that cost is not the government’s job. Aaargh.

    90% of us made a choice to have our little dears (well, I hope 90% of us…)—we deal with our choices like you deal with yours, and there shouldn’t be a stigma to your choice.

    I like to poke back, naturally, but it’s all in good fun. Hehe, I am definitely not a mommyblogger. The Kid only appears when she’s been damned brilliant and she knows it. Most of the time I want to talk grownup stuff.

    Sometimes (is this sharing too much?) she stares at the ceiling trying to make some wry observation to get famous at MCE. Sort of like she’s trying to solve a puzzle.

    Forcing it never works, of course, but sometimes it’s what I do, too. Better than Nintendo…

    Saturday night you should have pulled out that guitar. I want to see you play on YouTube! 🙂

    Until later,


  24. Karen JL Says:

    Friar, you do realize you can also be in a couple and NOT have kids, right? Life doesn’t have to be all *that* lonely because you haven’t bred. 😉

    I think I have the best of both worlds. No kids, but my guy has one that he sees on weekends (and I’m also a ‘Big Sister’). So I get a little ‘kid time’ but without the responsibility (they’ve got mothers for that). It rocks.

  25. Friar Says:

    Well, finding a girlfriend, especially here in Splat Creek..that’s a whole other story.

    Half the people are locals, born and raised here, who’ve been married since 18. And are on their 2nd set of grand kids.

    The other half are married double-income -professionals. Often, they won’t move here in the first place, unless their spouse can also get a job at the Factory.

    Even if someone is available, you gotta watch who you date. Everyone knows each other. You gotta watch what you say, they might be friends with a manager or someone at the Factory you don’t like. And if you DO go out, the whole town will know about it. So better mind your P’s and Q’s.

    I guess I could try to find a divorcee my age (~40-45).
    But I’m not sure if I’m ready to be instant Grand-Dad.

  26. Friar Says:


    I got off pretty easy with this post. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, and have some irate Mommy-blogger accusing me of eating babies or something.

    PS. You will never EVER see me play on Youtube. (My voice is awful, and I hate playing guitar in public…I used to, but I’ve embarrassed myself just too many times)

  27. Kelly Says:

    I think I see my new mission in life—to get a vid of Friar playing guitar onto YouTube.


  28. Friar Says:


    I’ve forgotten almost everything I learned how to play (except “Blackbird” by the Beatles).

  29. Kelly Says:

    Hooray! Now we know what the song will be…

  30. Captain Push Says:

    I for one, applaud you for forgoing parenting. I often wonder how many years my children have taken off of my life.

  31. Friar Says:

    No. You can’t make me. No. No. NOooooo.

    ARRRRGH! (*running from the room, screaming*)

    @Captain Push
    On the other hand, I did a PhD which definitely took several years off my life. And represented 4 years of lost salary from which I’ll never recover.

    Oh well. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

  32. Kelly Says:

    “Take these broken wings and learn to fly…”

    (Can you tell I’m sitting next to the computer struggling over some work and I’m losing the struggle?)

  33. aliastaken Says:

    I skimmed these comments just to get to the box so I could make my own statement. I’m a single mom. I love my daughter and have put her at the center of my life where it’s important to do so, however, your points are all right on. I’m sick of listening to my friends kids bitch in the background while we are on the phone and just once, I’d love a conversation with a friend that has nothing to do with their freaking kids. Get a life, people.

  34. Friar Says:



    Like I mentioned in the comments, there ARE parents who do have lives, and can carry on normal conversations. But they’re more the exception, not the rule.

  35. Friar Says:


    Well, Sunday afternoon. Not exactly the best time to work, eh? 😉

  36. Davina Says:

    I was riding the ferry this past Saturday after enjoying 5 days of unbelievable peace and quiet. And I mean hearing a pin drop kinda peace and quiet. Sigh. I was eased back into the real world though on that ferry ride.

    A proud pappa parked an… ahem… double stroller next to me, toting twins. I have to admit, they were adorable and just learning to walk. They were standing beside each other leaning on the stroller, with their arms around each other. I couldn’t help but smile. BUT… and there is a but… they were having a loud “ahhhhh… ahhhh… ahhhh” singing contest with each other. Imagine “ahhhhh” in stero in an enclosed space. 🙂

    And here’s something funny from today. Was out walking and overheard a mother tell her little one of about 4 or 5 years of age, “Don’t drag your feet sweetie. You’ll wear your shoes out.” But really, how long will a pair of shoes fit those same growing feet in the near future? I had a good chuckle over that. Ok… getting ready for the comment section dismount now…

    I’m happy for the proud parents, but none for me thanks.

  37. Kelly Says:


    Just remember, as you malign The Factory, working on a Sunday afternoon or a Thursday at midnight, or anytime the work is not done, is one of the benefits of self-employment. 🙂



  38. Friar Says:

    You should have gone “aaaah aaaaah” right back to the twins, and encouraged them, to drive dad nuts.

    …Which is why I’m not exactly jumping in feet-first, to go work for myself.

    Surely (I’m hoping) there are OTHER factories out there, that are NORMAL.

  39. Brett Legree Says:

    Of course, some people who work at the Factory also work Sundays and at midnight on Thursday…

    (I used to work for one of those guys, and so did Friar.)

    It’s a choice, I guess. There are some businesses (“traditional” and self-employment) that require this, and some that do not.

  40. Kelly Says:


    There are. Truly, there are many fine factories out there, I’ve seen ’em. Just remember, news is only what’s unusual enough to get reported. That’s why all we hear are horror stories.


    So what you’re saying is, I need to get me a new boss?

    Kelly, you’re fired.

  41. Karen Swim Says:

    I adore kids, I really do and I so wanted to be a mom but it was not in the plan for me. So, in addition to being treated to one side conversations with kids screaming at the top of their lungs (as I grip the phone in disbelief that the parent is not ready to run into traffic and end it all because my head is pounding so bad I want to!) I get the pitying looks, or outright disgust for not having had the good sense to have myself a few babies!

  42. Eyeteaguy Says:


    You have no fucking idea what you are talking about.

    I understand the point you are trying to make but you are talking out of your ass.


  43. XUP Says:

    I think a lot of the points you make can be made about self-absorbed people other than parents. So I’m just saying maybe it’s not the parenting itself that’s the problem, but the me-me-me people. A lot of new (especially first-time) parents are like born-again christians. It’s an all-absorbing experience. Some kind of mind-altering thing maybe. But, a lot of people in new relationships are like this too. You never see them for dust anymore and when you do all they can talk about is their new lover. Some people even become this obsessive with a new hobby. Try talking to someone who just discovered the highs of running or who suddenly decided to switch to a vegan diet. Or someone who just quit smoking. So, ya, I agree parents can get very boring on the subject of their offspring – even to other parents. And ya, being a good parent is a pretty important job and it’s made me and my life a lot better, but I wouldn’t presume to tell anyone that it’s the only thing worth living for.

  44. Brett Legree Says:


    Nah. Take your boss out, and get her good and drunk.

    Then when she’s not looking, take her wallet, and buy yourself some new shoes.


  45. Kelly Says:


    I don’t think I can reach into my back pocket if I get me good and drunk.

    *hic* But I’ll test that theory for you shortly. Tasty advice.


  46. Friar, you’ve outdone yourself with this post. As a new mom, I promise to never deserve a letter like this! Now let me tell you about how amazing my daughter is …

  47. Friar Says:

    Working 7 days a week (when you don’t really have to). Like those Factory Workers..that’s a BAD choice, in my opinion.

    Stupid choice. And dangerous choice (as these knobs set a bad precedent that the rest of us are expected to live up to).

    I think it’s the size. Small factories still have a family feel, and treat their staff like human beings.

    But once you get past a critical number, like a black hole, an organization’s mass self-implodes under it’s own bureaucracy, and it become a FACTORY. Like all the rest.

    Hearing those screaming phone conversations makes me want to go get a vasectomy and permanently take myself out of the gene pool. Just to be safe.

    It never ceases to amaze me how today’s parents let their kids interrupt conversations like that.

    Ask Friar’s Mom what would have happened, if I tried to pull a stunt like that when I was a kid.

    If you feel that strongly about it, you should assemble all the angry Mommy and Daddy bloggers, and organize a candle-light vigil of protest in front of my house.

    I can see the banners now. “Friar is misogynist” “Friar eats dead babies for breakfast”.

    (Just keep the damned kids off my lawn, though).

    I find a lot of parents tend to be self-absorbed. And they’ve been this way for over a decade..not just when the kids new-born.

    I think it’s a sign of our times. Or whole society (especially the 30-40 somethings) are all into themselves).

    Or Kelly should fire her boss, and give her a big severance (and use the money for a long vacation).

    Oh, no!? Are you going to be absorbed into the Mommy-Blogger Collective? Or will you stay true to yourself?

    But tell me how great your daughter is..PLEASE!

    (Especially tell me how much more advanced she is for her age, compared to what the child development books say she should be at.) 😉

  48. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I don’t feel strongly about it. It’s just that you are wrong.

    Its like those stories that are only funny if you were there i.e. you had to be there.

    People like you becaome people like me when they have kids.

    But for all our sakes, stay single, last thing we need is Frairlings running rampant in blogolad.


  49. Friar Says:


    Does that mean when your kids grow up and leave home, you’ll go back to becoming like me?

    I sure hope so.

  50. Mer Says:

    ::other shoe walks in::

    Why should I drop? That would hurt!

    By all means, go ahead and nurse the kid until he’s 15.

    Or read Grapes of Wrath and decide to imitate the ending. O.O

    The Place To Nurse is in the movie theater with that one month-old infant. Just see if you can go for the world record…

    @ Friar

    How is your mom? I’ve been thinking about her lately. Give her my regards, OK?

    People who don’t like kids or don’t want them shouldn’t have them. It’s the people who have kids they don’t want that concern me.

    For your own mental health date outside Splat Creek and/or leave town. Pleez. And look for women who don’t have rugrats. If any are old enough to have grandkids, well, c’est la vie. But if/when you get married you’re allowed to remove yourself if you don’t care for their manners, or insist they behave when you’re around. Hey, it’s your house, right? You make the rules. 🙂

    Seriously, though … have you been abused by any mommy bloggers lately? What’s up?

    @ Patricia

    I was on the receiving end of that gun! Unfortunately, my dad was pointing it at me.


    I was savvy enough about his personality to talk him out of it in a backhanded sort of way, but still. o_O

    (See what I mean about mental health, Friar?)

    @ Brett

    The folks who work seven days a week either don’t have lives or they’re running from the one they have. If you know them fairly well, you might be able to imagine why they’re sprinting to their home’s front exit all the time. Or they could be the problem. Either way, they have the sour deal and may end up going batshit (from working too many days of the week) to prove it.

    This too will pass–especially since you’re planning on decamping. 😀

    * * *

    I doted on my keikis and still do, but I may be the only one who does.


    I don’t remember talking to anyone who wasn’t Married With Kids about them, though. I didn’t tell singles or people who didn’t have kids because it’s kinda like telling a joke when “you had to be there.”

    I’m not going to address the “child-free” folks much because I’m a little late for the game and I’m feeling overly sensitive, which at this point in my life is not far removed from a hefty flame war. I am sorry people have abused you or ridiculed your choices. I’m sorry anyone led you to believe having kids is a duty. As I see it, your duty is to be who you are, not what someone else wants you to be. If you want to do something else with your life, go for it. And tell me all about it. 🙂

    But, please, try to offer me the same courtesy. That’s all I’m asking.

    (I wish I had said that 15 years ago. Heh.)


  51. Friar Says:


    Wow. What a (er) thorough comment. A blog post in itself.

    Heh heh heh. Grapes of Wrath. Not THAT was a powerful ending.

    Ideally, it would nice to meet someone with no rug-rats. But at my age, that’s extremely unlikely. And they’d be in their teens, close to university/college age.

    My plan, is I’ll hook up with a lady when she’s in her 50’s. By then, the kids will have finished their eduction, and I won’t be responsible for paying for THEIR tuition.

    By the way, Friar’s Mom is fine. Back home, walking up and down stairs, without a cane. Getting back in shape, walking 5 km a day. She’s looking forward to this ski season (whether she does downhill or not, remains to be seen).

    I’m going to ask her to write a guest post sometimes soon (whenever she has the time..)

  52. Elizebeth Says:

    Ahahahaha. You’ll be happy to know that single people or childless couples get to watch or hear about the payback when parents’ adorbable little ones turn into teens. Parents’ jaws that dropped in awe in amazement of their young child will be dropped in total disbelief when their little sweetheart turns into a teen.I know there are exceptions.
    I have a 14 year old and I should buy shares in Tylenol. Most days I think I’d have better luck talking to the walls. Then of course there is the fulfillment of the “mother’s curse.” You know the one that goes, ” May you have kids that treat you the way you treat me.” And it’s a double whammy for the parents if both parties got the mommy’s curse…ahahaha Payback’s always a b****. LOL The universe believes in balance.

  53. Friar Says:


    Yeah, I wonder some of these parents with Demon-spawn kids. WHAT will it be like then they’re teenagers, with all those hormones raging through them?

    The only cure for the Teens, is when they leave home for the first time, for college or whatever, and they have to start cooking and doing laundry for themselves.

    That’s what cured a lot of us, anyway.

  54. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    Well, after fifty-something comments, a whole lot of people have said a whole bunch of stuff, so it takes a long post to play catch-up. 😉

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who knows how The Grapes of Wrath ended. I usually get blank stares.

    Happy to hear about Friar’s Mom, too. 🙂


  55. Friar Says:


    If Eyeteaguy was in more of a shit-disturber mood, he’d have dragged out the comments and I’d be up to 100.

  56. Eyeteaguy Says:

    When my kids grow up and leave I will not revert to being like you. Mostly because I was never like you to begin with.

    Having kids is kinda like evolving, you can’t go backwards.

    You may now continue your knuckle dragging.


    If we weren’t put on this earth to procreate then what else? I think Friar’s programming has a bug.

  57. Brett Legree Says:


    Exactly… all of this shall pass… 🙂

    As to what we are meant to do, well, humans (as animals) do three basic things, which can be summed up with the acronym KFD.

    Kill – F*ck – Die.

    Dying is inevitable, until the Singularity comes along and we become near-immortal.

    Killing, well, that will get you locked away for a long time.

    And that leaves… one more, which is kind of fun to do, and tends to create babies.

    So they really left me no choice!

  58. Friar Says:


    Well, at least I have the satisfaction of leaving a big fat carbon footprint, to make life a bit more difficult for the next generation. (Including your kids)

    You forgot eating, sleeping and shitting.

    Among my top ten favorite pastimes.

  59. Melinda Says:

    My children will be working and paying taxes to help support me (and you) in your retirement. Even if you have the biggest super payout, who do you think will be doing your x-rays and hip replacements, mixing up your medicines and performing your physiotherapy? The children of your friends who ‘neglected’ their relationship with you to raise their children. Something to think about next time you want to jump on the “Poor me” wagon and the “Breeder-bashing” soapbox.

  60. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Damn straight Melinda!

    Friar, go fuck something that is above 19 and below men-oh-pause and contribute to the gene pool. Make your own fucking kids pay for your hip replacement.

    Then you can ignore your friends and disturb the movie going public like the rest of us.

    Selfish prick.


    Oh, and thanks for help paying for my kids edjewkayshun.

  61. Brett Legree Says:

    (As a parent of 4 kids) I always used to think that the children of today would be the ones to do all that stuff for me when I’m older.

    Now seeing how my parents’ generation is pretty much draining the financial system (after raping the planet), my guess is my kids are going to say “fuck you, Dad – we’re still paying for Granddad” and get on with their own lives, after pulling out my gold teeth and selling them at the pawn shop.

    Heh heh…

  62. Friar Says:


    First of all, with all due respect, on my own blog, I’m entitled to jump on the “Poor me” and “Breeder Bashing” bandwagon any time I want.

    And yes, todays’s kids will probably be taking care of us when we’re older.

    But it takes 20-25 years to raise and nurture a kid, to the point that they start contributing and becoming productive members of society.

    Chances are that they will, but you don’t know that 100% for sure.

    Maybe they’ll become welfare bums. Or leave the country. Or mabye they’ll end up with dead-end minimum wage-jobs when China takes over, and they’ll barely be able to pay their own way.

    But in the mean-time, I’m AM working, and I AM paying taxes right now. (Including paying hip replacements and such).

    Not saying I’m better or worse. It’s a team effort.

    Just that I get tired of the sanctimony that because kids represent the future, their contribution is somehow more valuable.

    Oh, you’re LOVING this, aren’t you? (You and Melinda must be in cahoots).

    I know I’m a selfish prick. I implied a such, in my blog.

    Too bad your kids will end up working in call-centers, though. (When China takes over, like I said to Melinda).

  63. Friar Says:


    The secret, is to give your kids just enough food, so that they can be useful and work for you. But not enough, so that they kill you in your sleep. 😉

  64. Brett Legree Says:

    Luckily for all of us, the world will be fucked on December 21, 2012 thanks to the Mayans.

    Yes, I know that’s bullshit, which is why I linked to this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maya_calendar#Long_Count

  65. Friar Says:


    Oh, goody.

    So, if I understand this right, I shouldn’t bother saving up money to replace my furnace that year.

  66. Kelly Says:


    You wanted more perspectives…


    We’ll be all right, as you know. Plan your Dec 22nd parties now, folks, before the word gets out!

    Until later,


  67. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Friar, if you had met amd married your dream girl 10 years ago, you’d ignoring your friends or plying them with tales of your Friar-lings wonderment just like the rest of us.

    All I can say is thank goodness you didn’t meet her. (She was the one at The Bay Womesnwear section admiring the suede pants by the way) You were distracted by the unclothed mannaquin. Silly you, lucky us.


  68. Friar Says:

    Yeah, I really put a lot of faith, in some doomsday calendar event, predicted by a 1000-year old culture that couldn’t even create THE WHEEL.

    By they way, cool link. I LIKE that guy. (Forget his name). But I recently read one of his popular astronomy books.


    Hey, show some respect. I DATED that mannequin for a month.

  69. Eyeteaguy Says:

    …..Friar, there are so many things I could say about you dating a mannequin….. but I’m not going to.

    I hate to kick a guy when he’s down. Unless its Brett, ’cause if he gets up, I’m a dead man. And because the reason Brett is down is that I shot him in the throat with a paintball (I said I was sorry).


  70. Kelly Says:


    Neil DeGrasse Tyson. I adore him. There are tons of his gems on YouTube, just type in Neil Tyson and you’ll see plenty.

    This one is my favorite, and being Perfesser Friar in your spare time, I think you’ll get a kickout of it:

    No b.s. and funny, too. Hey, he’s a lot like you!

    ‘Cept, y’know, he did his job procreatin’ and such.

    (Just wanted to get back on-topic…)



  71. Brett Legree Says:

    No one expects the Mayan Apocalypse.

    Or was that the Spanish Inquisition…

    I always get those mixed up.

  72. Kelly Says:

    That is one of my fave Monty Pythons ever. Almost didn’t have to click through to picture it. “The rack!” LOL.

  73. hannah78 Says:

    LOL. Love it! Friar, this is your best post yet. You should publish it in a newspaper!

  74. Friar Says:


    Thansk! Glad you liked it.

    As for publishing it? Nahh.

    I’ve already gotten enough flack for this post, from the Mommy-Bloggers and Oprah-Moms.

  75. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    You might appreciate this video–if you’re as irreverent as I am. (Otherwise, I’m in trouble.) It seems to go with this post. A little. And oddly, it reminds me of a few John Prine songs I heard in the 70’s.

    Mer 😉

  76. Friar Says:



    Creepy doll heads. (Shudder) 😉

  77. milly Says:


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