Dogs I have Corrupted in My Time

I don’t’ claim to be a Dog Whisperer, but I do have a talent with dogs.   They seem to like me.

I’m not their Pack Leader.   I’m their play-mate.

I don’t give them “Exercise, discipline and affection”.

I give them affection.  Play-time.   And more affection.

I don’t keep them in a calm, submissive state.

I bring them to a hyper, excited state.   (Much to the consternation of their owners.)

I am…the DOG INSTIGATOR.

Here are some selected mutts I’ve ruined for life:


Honey

When I was 10, Mrs. C lived across the street from us.  She was a kindly old lady who lived alone and worked full-time, who didn’t have the energy or time to exercise her very active shepherd/collie dog.

So she gave me the key to her house, and I took Honey out every day and every weekend.  We played with her till dark.

Honey was my best friend growing up.  It was the classic story of A Boy and his Dog.

I never really corrupted Honey.   But she was the first dog who ever really went nuts for me,  And she sure did miss me when we moved.

She spent her remaining years staring out the window at my old house, waiting for me to come out by and play.   It was kind of sad.   She pined for me.

But we kept in touch.  I still got to babysit her whenever  Mrs. C went on vacation.

She would drive 120 miles out of her way, to drop Honey off at our house, rather than put her in a kennel.


Quincy

When I was in my 20’s, I baby-sat my neighbors house for a few weeks, including their Sheltie-dog, Quincy.  We instantly bonded, and after that, he wouldn’t leave me alone.

My Stupid Quincy Tricks included making him sing/howl on demand, chase imaginary flies, and when I said “Fish!”, he’d lunge at the guppies in the aquarium.

For years after, anytime he heard my voice at home, he’d squeeze through the fence and invite himself into our house.  I would always pour him Pep cereal into a bowl.

To get him really wound up, I would say all three things:

Quincy…Fly…Fish…Pep.   Fly…Fish…Pep!   FLY FISH PEP!!!

That was guaranteed to activate the launch sequence.   Every time.

Eventually the neighbors would realize their dog was missing, and call out. “Quin-ceeee!.  Where is he?  Oh..he must be visiting Friar”.

At that point my dad would say “Quincy, GO HOME“.

And he would.

Until next visit.


Hansy
Hansy was a big lummox of a Bernese Mountain Dog that my other neighbors had.

I was first introduced to Hansy when he was a tiny pup.   I’d wrestle and play with him and get him so excited, he’d go “Cracker-Dog” and start destroying baskets and furniture and such.

At that point, Mrs. H. would throw her arms up in the air, and leave the room.

I was such a bad influence, she said, that if she ever got a pup again, she would NOT let me ever see it, until it was full grown.

Now, the funny thing about all this was that Quincy and Hansy lived across the street from each other.

And they were both extremely jealous for my attention.

If I’d go to pet Hansy, Quincy would scream bloody murder.   (Come play with ME, Friar!)

So then I’d go pet him, but Hansy would start yelping.  (No! Don’t pay attention to him…love ME!!)

So then, if I’d stand in the middle of the road, not knowing which dog to go see first.  And they’d BOTH go ape-shit, and the whole neighborhood got to hear it.

At that point, Mrs. H would open the door and yell:

“JESUS CHRIST!  Will you PLEASE COME say HELLO to my DAMNED DOG so he will SHUT THE HELL UP!?”

Ahh.   Nice to feel wanted, eh?


Basil

When I went to grad-skule, I lived next to a 100-lb Yellow Lab, with a thick skull like a cinder-block.   He was big, strong, dumb, and lovable.   I played with him almost every day, and got to be good friends with is owner, as well.

Stupid Basil tricks included the Fence-Pull:

Basil Fence-1

Basil Fence-2

Oh, and if I said the word “BOTH” he’d go nuts.

(As in:  “Bass-hole…do you want the stick, or the ball…or…BOHHHH-TH? “).

That’s when he’d wiggle, snort, and do laps around the living room.

He liked to head-butt my chest.  His perpetually wagging tail destroyed glassware.

Another good trick:  whenever he heard me next door, he’d put his paws on the fence, and make a stupid plaintive yelp, calling for me.

Basil Chien Bizarre

It wasn’t a “Woof woof” or “Yip Yip” bark.

Instead, it sounded like  “NEE!  NEE!”.

Just like Monty Python.    The Dog who goes Nee.

Of course, that’s when his owner would yell:

“For F*** SAKES, will you COME say HELLO to my STUPID DOG so he WILL SHUT THE HELL UP??

(Hmm…anyone notice a pattern here?)

Basil Run



Tipper

Goes without saying.   I”m Tipper’s favorite two-legged person in the whole world (or so my sister tells me).    And Tipper is my favorite four-legged critter in the whole world.

All it takes is for the word “Uncle Friar” to be said, and she’s ready for action.  In fact, that’s how they ‘d coax Tipper to do things, even when I wasn’t there.

Like the time she was hiding under the van after getting quilled by a porcupine.   “Come see Uncle Friar” was how they got her to come inside and drive to the vet.

Whenever I visit, Tipper is about the 180-degree opposite diametrically opposed from “calm and submissive” as you can get.   She’s literally smashed through screen doors to come and greet me.

And there’s a mutual understanding.    As soon as I walk into the door,  there’s no saying “hello”, no having coffee, no taking off the coat.

No, it’s just YAP! YAP! YAP!

And the yapping doesn’t stop, until we’ve fulfilled our contract.

Tipper expects me to go out back and throw the ball.   And I expect Tipper to retrieve the ball I throw.     We’ve both trained each other this way.   We feed off each other.

Tipper Jump

Doesn’t stop either.  It lasts the whole weekend.

Even the next day, the dumb dog will have a bursting bladder from being inside all night…the rest of the house is already awake, and has finished breakfast.

But Tipper will keep lying in bed next to me, until Uncle Friar gets up.  So play-time can start again.

Tipper Get the Ball

And of course, there’s our mandatory Filthy Mud-Walks in the woods.

Stupid Muddy Daug

And when it’s finally time for me to  leave, the dog grieves.

Time Out All done

I’m told that after I’m gone, she lies on the bed where I slept, sulks and won’t move for half the day.   She won’t even accept treats or anything.

Wow.   Kinda flattering.

I wish I was one-tenth as great at that dog thinks I am!

Stupid Daug


Walter

Ahhh…my latest convert.

Walter is just a pup.   Brett only got him a few months ago.

Dumb sack of shit, we (affectionately) like to call him.

(Well, to be fair, he’s still a baby).   So it’s not his fault if he doesn’t quite grasp some concepts, like how to avoid falling over a sharp drop-off….

Over the Edge

Walt’s only seen me maybe half a dozen times.   But I’ve already planted the seed.

(C’mon…tell me you can’t see it in his face!)

DSCN5758

It all started when Walt would be sleeping quietly in his cage when I’d visit.

Of course, that was just INVITING me to take him out, and wrassle with him on the kitchen floor.

Which he does, each time, with extreme enthusiasm.

Chewing on me, tail thumping, unable to stand up for more than 10 seconds.

He’s delighted.   He’s having fun.  (Who IS this guy? he’s asking himself.  He’s fantastic!)

Then it’s time for bed.    Brett puts the leash on him, to take him out for one last pee.

And that’s when Walt digs his heels in, and refuses to move.

Because he wants to stay and play with Uncle Friar.

So now the patterns’ been set.

Already, at that young age.

So now Walt now goes ballistic every time he sees me.

(Mua-Ha-Hah-HAHHH!)

Yet one more canine I’ve corrupted.

Like I said:

I am..the DOG INSTIGATOR.

*******************************

PS.    I’m also the same way with kids.

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32 Comments on “Dogs I have Corrupted in My Time”

  1. Amy Says:

    Walt kinda looks like Basil. 🙂

  2. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    Basil had a large square head (more of the American-breed type). Walt’s less stocky…he’ll be big, but not quite as huge.

    But in terms of personality, they’re quite similar. Both are dumb arseholes. 😀

  3. Randi Says:

    This was totally entertaining! I think maybe you are part dog.

  4. Brett Legree Says:

    You only *think* Walter won’t be as big as Basil… muahahahahaha!!!

    For you see, Walt lives in a nookular town 🙂 once he digs up some “Toxik Wayzte” ™ he’ll be huge!

  5. Friar Says:

    @Randi

    I might have been a dog in a previous life, actually.

    @Brett

    Yeah, I can see that happening. Him busting out of the back yard, and roaming onto the nukular site. Digging up Wayzte, and rolling around in it.

    He would, too.

  6. Mer Says:

    I completely understand Dog Corruption, although in different terms. Dogs and cats love me. I had to be really careful when I first moved in with Teh Roomie because she got jealous that her animals came to me for lovins. That’s what I do best–lovins. I can also train the dogs (and sometimes the cats), but that’s only because they love me.

    @ Friar

    And why don’t you have your own dog?

    @ Brett and Everybody

    Happy Fall Equinox, y’all!

    Mer, still waiting for cooler weather

    P.S. Hey Friar, isn’t this better than getting beaten up for writing a post that drives Mommy Bloggers insane?

  7. Friar Says:

    @Mer

    I could get a dog right now. But it wouldn’t be really fair to them.

    I live alone…work full time. Plus I’m on the road a lot. So it makes having a dog a bit difficult.

    I’m pretty sure I WILL get a dog later on, once I settle down and spend more time at home.

    That being said, it’s not so bad. I’ve been an “Uncle” to lots of dogs that I’ve babysat. (Especially Tipper). Best of both worlds.

    PS. Yes, this post was fun. (But it’s still ALSO fun to drive the Oprah-Moms and Granola-Crunchers insane, too).

    I like to do a bit of both.

    (In fact, it’s my moral obligation) 😉

  8. Brett Legree Says:

    Yeah, we kinda celebrated the Equinox this week, a couple of times, eh Friar?

    Walt’s sleeping now. Second walk of the day… he’s good, helps me keep my sanity 🙂

  9. Captain Push Says:

    Friar,
    You were also great with Duchess and Moochie God rest them.
    I’ll repost what my Dad said about dogs. “They give so much and ask so little.”

  10. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Yeah…I’m suprised you didn’t post something about it…mentionning some obscure Celtic pagan ritual.

    But the important thing is..we CELEBRATED…at least a couple of times.

    @Captain
    Heh heh. Yeah, those two weiner dogs would be two good footnote to this post.

    I got a photo of Duchess curled up in a blanket with Junior Bear (I gonna dig it up and email it to you).

    And remember how excited I’d get Moochy? Your wife gave me shit, because she was worried the dog would piss himself! 🙂

  11. XUP Says:

    So, if you were a dog in a previous life (and you certainly seem to have enough a connection with them to make that a reasonable assumption) is this incarnation the reward or punishment for the life you led as a dog? Also, too bad you never met my dog Jimmy, who I blogged about just the other day.

  12. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Poo fart.

    Go ahead, moderate me fother mucker.

    Eyeteaguy

  13. Brett Legree Says:

    See, there were these INTERIOR DESIGNERS on a PIRATE SHIP, and one day they decided to BAKE A BIRTHDAY CAKE… 😉

    Heh heh heh…

    Sorry, couldn’t resist 😉

    I didn’t post about the Equinox because my brain was still hurting from the celebrations!

  14. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    I’m looking at Tippers’ life right now. Sleeps. Eats. Plays. No cubicles, no stupid factory manageres, no taxes to pay, etc..).

    Makes me wonder if I’m somehow being PUNISHED right now, being re-incarnated as a human?

    I saw your blog about Jimmy. I was already planning this post about a week ago, totally independently from you. We seem to be on the same wavelength. 🙂

    @Eyeteaguy

    “Rainbow unicorns and pink ice-cream clouds.

    Go ahead, tell me that you love me.

    Friar, you wonderful great guy”.

    @Brett
    Now..see here. WATCH your language! 😉

  15. Davina Says:

    Doesn’t it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when they look at you all googly-eyed, tail wagging like crazy? Sigh. Tipper in the mud puddle — ew! Nothing like a wet AND muddy pooch 🙂

    When I lived on the farm we had so many different kinds of dogs because mom would keep adopting them from the Humane Society. I had a poodle who was my bestest friend in highschool(although I’d never own a poodle again — too yippy). She’d ride in my bicycle basket with me everywhere. I taught her tricks… jumping over jumps and running across ramps just like in the circus. She loved it. We’re not “allowed” to have pets in my building so no doggie for me. Poop!

  16. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    Poodles are supposed to rank up there as the most intelligent breed of dog. Even smarter than shepherds and border collies.

    Though I’ve never seen this in real life. Like you said, too yippy.

    And yes..I DO like to see the dogs get all googly-eyed and mental.

    When I achieve that, it’s “Mission Accomplished”. 😀

  17. steph Says:

    Hmmm. The pattern I’m seeing here is that all the dogs are “dumb.”

    Does that mean that my extremely intelligent Lucy (seriously. I am not kidding about the intelligent. It’s nuts) perhaps wouldn’t go crazy for you? 🙂

    Just kidding!

    She *loves* people. And you have not seen excited until you meet Lucy. I know you two would get along great.

    One thing, though. You can’t corrupt her. I’ve done that already.

  18. Brett Legree Says:

    Of course dogs are dumb – why else would they hang out with *filthy humans*?

    🙂

  19. Davina Says:

    Good one Brett 🙂 That’s why they can’t talk and only wag their tails. I wonder what they’re REALLY thinking when they’re staring up at us with “love” in their eyes? Patronizing four-leggeds. Ah, who am I kidding, our world would be empty without them.

    @Friar’s mom, I’ve heard that too but don’t see it. Maybe they’re sooooo smart that they need to be better entertained. That makes US the cause of their ADD problem. Ahh, I dunno. They’re cute with their little pom pom haircuts… almost too sappy cute though.

  20. Brett Legree Says:

    Hee hee well I know Walt’s looking at me thinking, “what a dumb-ass, he feeds me, picks up my poo, pets me… and I don’t even have to work!”

    Hmm. Where can I sign up to be a dog?

  21. Davina Says:

    @Brett… would YOU really wanna be “man’s best friend”? Lol.

  22. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    Woops…sorry, that wasn’t Friar’s Mom answering..that was ME (Friar).

    (I’m visting Friar’s Mom..her computer had her name set as the default).

  23. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    I think I recall seeing a photo of Lucy on your blog. I could tell just by looking at the picture…Yep. That’s a dog I could make go mental, if I ever met her. 😉

    @Brett
    I know…right now I’m at my Mom’s. Tomorrow I have to go to work and probably get in shit again for God knows what.

    Meanwhile, Tipper gets to sleep in. And walked. And fed.

    And all she has to do, is wag her tail and let us pet her once in a while.

    Who’s the dumb animal, here?

    @Davina
    NOT being Man’s best friend…that’s what cats are for. 😉

  24. Davina Says:

    You know, I noticed that Friar’s Mom had a link & now I know why. Shurrrrrr… You, Brett and Friar’s Mom are all the same person. This mystery deepens I tell ya — tis a multiple personality disorder unfolding before our very eyes. At least we can see that Tipper and Walter are not the same dog.

    Brett, Walter is so cute with those big ol eyes. Makes me wanna play with his ears and tackle him with hugs. Okay… over and out.

  25. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    Walt loves to be tackled and get bear hugs. And he’ll jump all over you and fight back. It’s a lot of fun.

    The problem is, once you do this, there’s no off-switch.

    At this point, I can’t just Walt to sit still, while I pet him quietly.

    As soon as I touch him, he thinks it’s WWF.

    Dumb sack of shit.

  26. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I’m sure all your dogs are cute, and smart and lovable but my dog Bandit was the best.

    Y’all can fight over second and third place.

    Eyeteaguy

  27. hannah78 Says:

    LOL. Remind me never to introduce you to our already sometimes spazzy dog Selena!

    That picture of Tipper jumping off the dock is awesome!


  28. Friar,
    Your neighbors are/were very lucky to have you next door. What we wouldn’t do for a fun, trustworthy dog sitter! (Although, from the sounds of it, Riley would never want to come back home after a stint with the dog instigator …)

  29. Brett Legree Says:

    Bandit was the best, I have to agree with Eyeteaguy.

    He even had a “sit spot” right on top of his rump.

    It was sort of like a button, if you pushed on it, he would sit down.

    Really neat!

    And he was a tough little hombre, too.

  30. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    And I’m sure your kids are the cutest, too.

    (Or, are Brett’s).

    I’ll let the two of you fight it out.

    @Hanna

    Hahah! You sound just like Mrs. H. 🙂

    @Rebecca
    It’s been known to happen. 🙂

    I babysit a dog. The owners come back to pick up their pooch after a week or two.

    And the dog is like “Oh, hi….” . And is reluctant to leave me.

    @Brett
    I dunno…Tipper is pretty tough, too. She survived being lost in the woods for 24 days.

    Not only that, but she can do figure-of-eights between my legs, when I’m standing.

  31. Brett Legree Says:

    Yeah, Tipper’s tough – but you had to meet Bandit 🙂

  32. steph Says:

    Love the new header, Friar!


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