My Post-Thanksgiving Ungrateful List

Vegetable appetizers
I don’t mind veggies.    If fact, I’ve even been known to occasionally eat them.

But when the only munchies are a tray of raw carrots, raw cauliflower, and raw broccoli, I’m sorry, that is NOT an appetizer.

That is forage.

And I don’t have a rumen to digest it with.

Let’s get one thing straight:  appetizers should, at the very minimum, involve cheese of some kind.    Or things wrapped in bacon.

Rule of thumb:  if the dog won’t touch it, then neither should you.


Raisins

…in the turkey stuffing (Gaggggg!)

I blame the Vegans for this.

Mixing those maggoty things (like fly larvae) in with the savory meat…that just defies words.   That is so AGAINST all that is righteous and holy.

Raisins are fine in trail mix.

Let’s keep ’em there, where they belong.


Saying Grace

I don’t’ mind when we say grace at the dinner table.    Just don’t ask ME to do it.

Especially when the host is well aware of my agnostic beliefs, and they’re deliberately putting me on the spot, to prove some kind of point.

Hey, get the five year old to do it.   Everyone will think it’s cute…let HIM deal with the pressure.


Going around the table saying what we’re thankful for

Maybe when we were six, this was a quasi-fun, educational exercise.

..MAYBE.

But now that we’re all adults, can we just agree to just STOP this lame-ass charade, once and for all?

Don’t make me play.   I’m too old for dinner games.   I don’t care what Cousin Bendix is thankful for.   I just want to eat.

a

Screaming free-range children
Especially during dinner time.

Like good intentions, they should be carried OUT.

a

Being forced to talk to boring people who aren’t even related to you
“Oh, Friar…..nice to see you.   Where are you now?   Where…are you?  Are you in Splat Creek?  …how do you like your job?    Where are you now?   Do you have a new job?   Is it in Atlanta?     Did I tell you about my GPS?   I drove…I drove all the way to Denny’s with it…it’s like I didn’t need a map.    Do you know I have a new GPS?….I didn’t even need a map…Is your new job in Alaska? “

(Argh).

Bring back the screaming free-range children, PLEASE.

a

Left-overs out the ying-yang
Don’t get me wrong.  I love left-overs.    Reheated turkey and gravy the next day, with mashed potatoes.   Mmmmmm.

Or a few nice turkey-mayo sammiches, on squishy white bread the following day or so.   Mmm.

Turkey soup on Day 4.    Mm.

But after day 7, when we’re onto creamed arse of turkey…okay, I’ve had enough.

NEXT…

a

Dirty dishes
Some optimists will point out that we should be grateful for dirty dishes.     At least we have enough food to eat.   At least we have the dishes to eat with.

True enough.   We are quite fortunate, in that way.

But I’m sorry.   Washing dishes still SUCKS.     You can’t make me feel thankful for washing them.

You can’t make me.

You can’t.  You can’t.  You can’t.

(LALALALA….)

(*Screams, running from the room*).

****************

PS.   Before my family starts yelling at me for writing this, I will say one thing I was thankful for this year:   most of these things didn’t happen.

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49 Comments on “My Post-Thanksgiving Ungrateful List”

  1. Brett Legree Says:

    “Rule of thumb: if the dog won’t touch it, then neither should you.”

    My dog eats poop… appetizer?

    🙂

    “Screaming free-range children”

    Easy to handle if you apply copious quantities of alcohol, to yourself of course.

  2. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    The rule only applies to what dogs DON’T eat.

    What they DO eat..aint’ always nice.

    Free Range Children. Yep. Alcohol is nice. Preferably the hard stuff.

  3. Brett Legree Says:

    Perhaps the thing to do is stay away from anything a dog might or might not touch 🙂

  4. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Dogs is complex creatures, aren’t they?

    They’ll turn their nose up at veggies. But they’ll gladly eat hamburgers and chocolate and all the stuff we love.

    Yet this is the same critter that will roll in shit, and then eat it.

    Still, they’re smarter than most people I know.

  5. Karen JL Says:

    You’re going to blame Vegans for what some (sick) people put in their TURKEY STUFFING?

    Do you even *hear* yourself?

    (From she who thinks raisins only belong in little red boxes or covered in chocolate.)

  6. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Oh, it’s all part of their hidden agenda.

    Start off small…start convincing meatatarians to mix fruit in with the meat.

    Then convince them to keep increasing the fruit…until the meat becomes a garnish, and then disappears altogether.

    I KNOW these things. I heard it from the Rand Corporation.

    I agree with the red boxes and the glosettes raisins, though. They do have their place.

    Just not with the main course.

  7. Kyddryn Says:

    I just recently planned my family’s T-giving menu. There will be no fruit in the dressing. There will be bread I baked myself, celery, onions, butter, herbs, and chicken stock I made here, but no fruit.

    There may not be any actual fruit in the jellied-cranberry log o’ doom – supposedly it’s made from cranberries, but how do I know it’s not really alien slug squeezin’s??

    Come to think of it…aside from the quivering cranberry log, the only fruit involved with our meal will be the key lime juice in one pie and the apples in another.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  8. Mer Says:

    I heard it from the Rand Corporation.

    😯

    At the risk of being politically incorrect…

    ::headdesk::

    @ Friar

    re: stuffing. Italian Sausage and apples. It beats the Waldorf salad my grandmother used to make. I think she used mayo as the dressing. I don’t like mayo in that capacity.

    ::shudder::

    Vegetable appetizers are for people who don’t want to make an hors d’œuvre. Bring cheese and crackers, or those pig in blanket things, or whatever. Say, “Oh this wasn’t a pot luck?” And you still have something you’re willing to eat. You won’t starve.

    Anyone who asks you to say grace knowing that you’re agnostic and would rather not is rude. It’s disrespectful and a backhanded attempt at humiliation. That’s all there is to it. Although you could always make up an agnostic prayer to the Deity-you’re-not-sure-is-there and remind it that you’re skeptical. I’d like to see your host explain that to the kids. :mrgreen:

    Going round the table saying what you’re thankful for reeks of Sunday school. I imagine it’s supposed to be an ice breaker, but it’s full of FAIL. I really hate it when people try to wring your personal feelings out of you on social occasions. I’m annoying. I’d probably say, “Pass.”

    re: free range children. That’s unacceptable. I’ve never been to a T-giving like that and I hope never to. I’d certainly make excuses the following year. Of course, I do have a nasty habit of correcting other people’s children when their parents won’t, so the never going again would probably be mutual.

    Re: Being forced to talk to boring people who aren’t even related to you. Life is full of boring people. Unfortunate, but true. I’d make excuses the following year.

    Now that my kids are gone and I’m unable to travel what with being carless and eternally broke, I’ve been spending holidays alone. The last time I had any fundage to spare I made turkey confit with thighs and thyme. Really easy, only as many leftovers as you choose ahead of time, and uses one pot so even Friar wouldn’t mind the clean up. (As a hostess, I would only ask teenagers to become dishwashers to keep them out of trouble…)

    Anyhow, everybody knows the purpose of Thanksgiving is pie.

    I love pie. 😀

    Mer

    P.S. What is a meatatarian doing at a vegan Thanksgiving?

  9. Friar Says:

    @Kyddryn

    HAHAH!

    “alien slug squeezin’s”

    Best. Comment. Ever! 😀

    I’ll never think of cranbery sauce the same way, again!

    @Mer
    I had a relative ask us to go around the table, saying what we were thankful for, mabye 10 years ago. We were all adults.

    It was SO. LAME. Everyone playing the game, to appease that one person.

    You’re right…it IS so “Sunday School”.

    Thank GOD that hasn’t happened in a while. But with the new crop of kids coming up, you never know when The Thankful Game will rear it’s ugly head again.

    Same as raisins. All the Thanksgiving dinners I’ve been to are Meatatarian. But every once in a while, I’ve been suprised by thoses horrible things in the stuffing.

    It’s traumatized me….to this day, I still don’t completely trust stuffing.

  10. XUP Says:

    I’m glad for the disclaimer because I was starting to worry that you’d end up eating TV dinners on your own at the next holiday. I do agree actually that raw vegetables suck as an appetizer unless they’re part of a salad which is part of a selection of other appetizers.

  11. Eyeteaguy Says:

    What am I thankful for?

    I am thankful that Friar has a blog. I need a place to Fritter.

    I am thankful that Brett started the poop comments first. (so I don’t have to and get blamed to taking this comment section to the dogs…again)

    Friar should be thankful that I’m not going to tell him what I really think of this post.

    Eyeturkeyguy

    P.S. We had indian food for Thanksgiving. Yummy.

  12. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    This was a culmination of a few decades of Thankgiving glitches. Not all these things happen, and not every year.

    Hence my disclaimer. (I aint’ stupid…I know enough not to offend anyone who might invite me to a home-cooked meal!)

    @Eyeteaguy

    “Friar should be thankful that I’m not going to tell him what I really think of this post”

    Yeah, right.

    Why stop NOW?

    (Or maybe it’s that Indian food that’s getting to you).

  13. Kelly Says:

    At the risk of starting cooking class here (again),

    Mer!!! Italian sausage and apples!!! That is exactly what I was just going to tell Friar!

    I make a stuffing that makes grown men cry. Apparently, so does Mer.

    Friar,

    “Forage” ROFL.

    In my humble opinion, on Thanksgiving every food that’s laid out should be required to be something that you’d regret tomorrow, all on its own. Nothing healthy unless it’s been mucked with until it’s completely bad for you. Raw veggies, therefore, should be criminalized for that one day.

    That way you have one day of regret, and 42 foods to be sorry about. Keeps you safe (and not too sorry) for months.

    Kelly’s Law of Thanksgiving. 😉

    Regards,

    Kelly

  14. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Since I was in charge of appetizers, we were guaranteed to NOT have Vegan forage. 😉

    And you’ll be proud of me. I over-ate extensively. Vowing “Never again”.

    Until next year.

    I blame my sister-in-law. Her mashed potatoes contain sour cream.

  15. Kelly Says:

    Mmmmmm.

    Too bad our T-day is still weeks away. Maybe I’ll start planning now.

    Yum.

  16. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    My mistake, Seestor ended up putting the bird in the oven upside down.

    I dunno what happened, but I tell you, the breast meat was the tenderest, juiciest EVER!!!

    (Might be something worth trying).

  17. Friar's Mom Says:

    Wee Friar,

    I agree, Seestor’s turkey was the best ever. We sautéed chunks of carrots, onions and celery as per Julia Child, and loosely stuffed the turkey with half the veggies. (Regular stuffing was made in crock pot.) The other half of veggies went into a pot with parsley, thyme, sautéed innards and neck (minus liver) to make a rich broth for the gravy. White wine was added to the final gravy. Seestor inadvertently cooked the turkey, breast side down as per Martha Stewart’s recommendation. It was turned breast side up during last portion of roasting.

    We didn’t do the roundtable thanks on Sunday (our pre-Thanksgiving Day dinner). But you will recall, that on Thanksgiving Day evening, as you and I and Seestor sat on logs around the fire by the water, and sipped wine, I mentioned how fortunate I was to have three wonderful offspring, how much I love you, and how grateful I was to have recovered so well after my serious injuries in June. And yes, Tipper Daug is still around to fetch the ball. For all these things I’m thankful.

    That moment by the crackling fire on that still evening is tucked away in My Happy Compartment.

    So there to your Ungrateful List!!

  18. Captain Push Says:

    My ex-wife once ordered an expensive, fresh Turkey from a health food store. It tasted like CARDBOARD. Even though my ex liked food that tasted like cardboard, she didn’t like the turkey.

    I, of course, wondered what the hell they were feeding it? MISO?

    I traded in the ex for one better wired and I don’t have to eat Miso or Couscous anymore.

  19. Kelly Says:

    Friar’s Mom,

    The Internet is a funny thing.

    It’s made me grateful for those exact same things from half a universe away—and a lot of other folks, too, I reckon. Thank Heavens for good endings to scary moments in Friar-family-ville.

    I did not wipe a tiny tear away. Hush, now.

    May next October be even brighter. 🙂

    Until later,

    Kelly

  20. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    I must admit, it WAS a better-than-average turkey.

    And it was nice, to NOT have any major trauma in our family (for time being, at least). No job losses. Nobody in the hospital. No pets running away.

    I’ll take those moments when I can get them.

    Best part of the camp-fire (to put in my Happy Compartment) was when the stupid dog kept trying to kill her frisbee. She put on this show for our benefit and we all got sprayed with sand.

    @Captain

    Never met your ex. But I can certainly vouch that your present wife is perfectly wired to your frequency.

    (And she DOES cook a mean turkey…I remember eating that one on the 4th of July).

    @Kelly
    A few short months ago, we thought we had lost Tipper-Daug.

    Not to mention we almost lost Friar’s Mom with that bike accident. And we didn’t even know how much (or if) she’d fully recover.

    Last weekend, I went for a walk in the woods with both.

    And for THAT, I’m grateful.

  21. Davina Says:

    *Sigh* “Sat on logs around the fire by the water, and sipped wine.” Sounds divine… yes, a night to be thankful for.

    I’ve cooked a turkey breast-side down before and it was the best turkey ever. And no raisins in the stuffing either! I don’t like raisins cooked, anywhere — in butter tarts or mincemeat tarts — those are just plain gross. Lemon meringue pie for me please.

  22. Brett Legree Says:

    I’m going to speak up for the raisins, then.

    (“Won’t anyone think of the raisin-children???”)

    I bet the “raisins-in-stuffing” thing might have some relation to the old “wine-with-meat” thing. It’s the same source fruit, after all. Perhaps raisins from white grapes might be better?

    Don’t know… never had raisins in stuffing. Dried cranberries, yes.

  23. Friar Says:

    @Davina
    I’m with you. I like dried raisins out-of-the-box, or the Glosettes-type.

    But as soon as you cook them, they become vile and putrid. I literally gag on them. (Shudder).

    @Brett
    But wine is a nice clear liquid, you don’t get the maggoty texture of the raisins themselves. The raisins are in an alternate form…they’re disguised. .

    Like chick peas. I HATE ’em…but when they’re mixed up in hummus, I’ll eat them.

    By the way, I ain’t crazy about cranberries in stuffing either.

  24. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ The Young Folk,

    What’s with you people and cooked rasins? What’s wrong with the texture of cooked raisins?

    Sun Maid Cinnamon Swirl Raisin Bread is my favourite toast. I love it with plain butter or spread with cream cheese.

    I enjoy raisins in muffins, in bread loaves, and in GORP. Raisins are a great source of our daily mineral requirement.

  25. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Kelly,

    Yes, GORP–Good Old Raisins and Peanuts. It’s a mixture of high-energy foods, such as nuts and dried fruit, eaten as a snack.

    I keep a small bag of GORP in my pocket when I ski or cycle or hike. In the summer I include Smarties , in the winter I substitue Smarties with PC decadent chocolate chips. Nuts can vary from peanuts to almonds to cashews. Dried fruit can be craisins or cut up apricots or dates.

  26. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    Just thinking of toast like that…GAGGGGHH!!! (Puke!)

    Kryptonite is to Superman, as Raisin Bread is to the Friar. 😦

    @Kelly

    Yes, my mom eats nuts and berries when she excercises.

    Actually, that GORP isn’t bad. If you substitute the raisins with Smarties. And the peanuts with Smarties.

  27. Kelly Says:

    Ha! Never heard that one. (Sorry—that’s probably because I don’t ski or cycle or hike. Those things take place out-of-doors, yeah? And my heels would be such a mess, LOL.)

    Good old chocolate and peanuts sounds more my style. 😀

  28. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    I don’t dark raisins, but I like golden raisins (from these grapes) cooked. The thing is, there has to be enough moisture for any dried fruit to soak up so it won’t feel “maggoty” on the tongue. (Texture is a big deal, I agree.) I use golden raisins with onion and pine nuts (like Eull Gibbons) when I’m cooking Swiss chard. Of course, this is in accompaniment with meat. I’m mom-like that way.

    I take it you don’t like red wine?

    @ Friar’s Mom

    I’m so happy you’re recovered. 😀

    @ Davina

    Mmmmmmm, pie. 🙂

    Mer

  29. Eyeteaguy Says:

    And now to take this comment section to the lowest common denominator.

    Raisins look like sheep poop.

    Thank-you, thank-you.

    And you are welcome Friar.

    For a second there it looked like Julia Childs had taken over this blog.

    Eyeteaguy

  30. Davina Says:

    @Friar’s Mom, I kinda like being called a “Young Folk”. The raisin, cinnamon toast would have to have a LOT of butter on it and a LOT of cinnamony flavour for me to stomach those raisins though.

    @ Mer… yes PIE!!!! Lemon, or rhubarb or wildberry. How bout some for breakfast? Fruit is good for breakfast right? Ewww… golden raisins are even worse… they’re the wimpy version of dark raisins 🙂

    @Friar… ever think of trying raisins wrapped in bacon? 😉

  31. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Well, not hiking and doing outdoors stuff is understandable, considering where you live. That part of the U.S. is not exactly full of moutains or forests. 🙂

    @Mer
    I don’t mind wine. I’m not an expert, but I’ll drink it if someone offers it to me. I actually prefer red to white.

    But raisins in swish chard…UGGHH!!

    (All these raisin dishes people are coming up with…it FRIGHTENS me!) :-O

    @Eyeteaguy

    Yes…THANK YOU. (For bringing things back on track).

    Poop, I don’t mind. It’s much easier to discuss, than raisins.

  32. Friar Says:

    @Mer

    Eull Gibbons! AHAHAHAHH!!! 😀

    Hello, this is the year 1975 calling…we’d like our Grape-Nuts TV ad back.

    I had almost forgotten about him. He’s probably dead by now. (Either that, or he’s 119 years old).

  33. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    No, I would never defile a food as a sacred as bacon, by associating it with raisins.


  34. ROFLOL…
    Nope still giggling….
    on my way back to the paint…. :))))

  35. Brett Legree Says:

    @Eyeteaguy,

    Raisins – the things Friar doesn’t like in stuffing – look like sheep poop.

    Sausages – the things Friar *does* like in stuffing – look like sheep … you know.

    🙂

  36. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    Don’t mind Brett and Eyeteaguy. They’re harmless.

    Just don’t make eye contact, and you’ll be fine.

    @brettlegree

    Yes, but the sausages are ground up in the stuffing. So I don’t need to be reminded.

  37. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Hi Janice, glad to meet you. Can I show you my rock collection. I like meeting new people. Is this where you live, can I come in? Wow you have a nice place. I think I’ll stay a while. Gosh you have a lot of neat stuff. You have anything to eat. I’m hungry. Where do I sleep?

    Ooops, looks like she made eye contact.

    Eyestalkerguy

  38. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    Well then, we’ll just grind up the *raisins*, right?

    🙂

  39. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Now, don’t you be getting any ideas. And be nice.

    Janice is a gentle delicate Southuhn Lady. She likes magnolias,and Juleps, and all that….

    @Brett

    Ground up raisins are okay…like I said…they’re DISGUISED.

    Like HP Steak Sauce..it’s got raisins in it. (Betcha didn’t know)

  40. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Janice has a blog?

    Oh goody goody gum drops. I sense a disturbance in the force.

    Look like she won’t get much painting done tonight!

    Eyepirateguy

  41. Brett Legree Says:

    Another thing about HP Sauce – the original creator called it HP sauce because he heard that it was being served in one of the restaurants in the House of Parliament (in Britain).

    Cool, eh?

  42. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Brett

    In a few comments back, Friar addressed you as Brettlegree. Is that the Viking name you use during your imbibing evenings? Or did Friar christen you with an Eyeteaguy-sounding name? “Brettle Gree” is nice-sounding name.

  43. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Yeah, Janice has a blog about painting. (And I know just how much you LOVE that).

    And she’s actually quite good. Probably too good for you to make fun of (like you do with me).

    @Brett
    You sure? Or are you making that up?

    (You could tell us anything and we’d probably believe you).

  44. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar’s Mom,

    🙂 no, I often contract my name to brettlegree for some of the online services (Twitter, for instance) so I suspect Friar was having a Twitter moment when he put the @ in front of my name.

    @Friar,

    Apparently it is true, I was always curious what the “HP” meant and so when you mentioned it, I looked it up.

    There’s also a picture of some Parliament buildings on the front of the label – I didn’t ever really notice that until I started looking at the origin of the product.

  45. Friar Says:

    @BrëttLe Graëe

    (Nyargh!) = Good Viking war cry.

    So, what can you tell me about A-1 sauce, then?

  46. Brett Legree Says:

    A1 Sauce predates HP Sauce. Legend has it that the name was bestowed upon it by King George IV when he declared it “A1”.

    (The creator was one of the King’s chefs.)

  47. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Wow…Indians were still hunting wild herds of buffalo on the Great Plains here, and already Britain had invented A1 Sauce!


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