Archive for November 2009

Superheroes I Feel Sorry For.

November 28, 2009

Superman

He’s got a high-maintenance girlfriend who always needs rescuing.   His friends are all morons, who are too stupid to realize Clark Kent is just Superman with glasses.

And what if he wants to get intimate with someone?   He’ll be faster than a speeding bullet, which is not necessarily a good thing.

(Not to mention, he’s liable to blow the poor woman’s head off.)
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Wonder Woman

She’s got that lesbian-bondage thing going on…

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  (After all, who are we to judge?)

But it can’t be easy for the poor woman, trying to find an open-minded partner willing to share in her non-conventional lifestyle.
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Green Arrow

An under-appreciated D-Lister.   Nobody knows what he does, except shoot arrows.

And he’s often mixed up with the Green Lantern (who actually does have legitimate kick-ass superpowers.)
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The Thing

I bet you he shits bricks.   I mean literally.

Which would be hell on all the toilets.
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Spider Woman

It’s a male-dominated Superhero’s world.

So no matter how hard she tries, no matter how good she is,  she’ll always be compared to SpiderMAN.
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Batman and Robin

Their Man-Boy relationship is somewhat questionable. (I mean…just how OLD is the Boy-Wonder?)

Sooner or later, someone’s going to say something, and the Caped Crusader might find himself with some serious legal issues.
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Wolverine

His 18-inch razor sharp claws tend to pop out of his knuckles at a moment’s notice.

He’s gotta be really careful with that, when going to the bathroom.
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Zan (half of the Wonder Twins)

Unlike his sister, who can take the shape of any animal, Zan can only take different forms of water.

Great.   What if a Super-Villain decided to be a dick, and just drank him and pissed him out?

(Shudder.)  I cannot think of much worse.
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Aquaman


Given that 99% of all crimes and disasters take place ABOVE water, he’s not exactly the most useful Super-Hero in the world.     Talking to fish can only get you so far…

He probably has to take a part-time job at Marine-World, to help make ends meet.
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Edwards Scissorhands

Okay, he’s not really a Super-hero.  But he does have unique mutant properties, so I’ll add him to the list.

And I really pity him.

At least Wolverine can retract his claws.

But how does this poor guy wipe HIS arse?

The Vikings Versus the Eldâr-KrΦnes, Part I.

November 27, 2009

One sunny day, at the shore of the Northern Sea, by the village of SmelBaäd, young Bjarni noticed a strange disturbance in the water.

“By Loki! “, he exclaimed.   “There seems to be some hideous creature rising from the deep!  What is it?”

“Why…I cannot believe my eyes! ”  his father said.  “I have heard of these….it’s an Eldâr-KrΦne!   Quick, we must run to warn the others!”

Soon afterwards, more and more of the Eldâr-KrΦnes emerged from the sea, and made their way towards the unspecting village village.

And soon they began to take over.

In no time at all, travel became difficult, if not impossible.   The Eldâr-KrΦnes blocked all routes with monstrous carts that they had somehow acquired, which they drove at less than walking speed.

“How am I supposed to invade the Celts on time, with this grandomther in my way?”, grumbled Æskole.

Commerce ground to a halt and children went hungry.  The Eldâr-KrΦnes crowded the local merchants, and took forever to buy something.  And when they did, they insisted on paying with hundreds of almost worthless copper coins.

Village security was at risk.   The Warrior-Men were weak from lack of food, and could not concentrate on their practice-jousting, as they were constantly hissed at to be quiet.

Youngsters were forced to listen to long rambling tales of Yore, and were literally bored to tears.    In exchange, they were offered rancid sweets, which threatened to break their young teeth.

As the Eldâr-KrΦnes continued their ruthless invasion, life in SmelBaäd become more difficult.

The villagers were  concerned, and approached Olaf Thunderfröck, the Chieftain.

“These grayish being are making life unbearable!”, they cried.    “Cannot you do something about it?”

“I say, burn and pillage them!   Send them to Valhalla!”, said Fjolkman the Fishmonger.

“No, better yet!  Let us make drinking goblets out of their skulls!!!” screamed Bjorgolf the Bererker, and let out a mighty “…NYARGGHH!”

“I would gladly do so, but you know we cannot”, explained Olaf.   “These demon-creatures…they have special powers.  They are cunning, yet they dodder and appear frail and old.   And our Viking Code thus prevents us from harming them. ”

“But they disrupt our village, torment our children, and tell us to keep off our own grasses and fields! ”

“Agreed, but what would you have me do?”, asked Olaf.  “We  cannot use force…we are powerless against their evil magic”.

Suddenly, a young voice cried out:

“But look what they did to Ursaäl!”

It was young Bjarni, pointing to the Village Bear.

“They knitted that horrid outfit, forced Ursaäl to wear it, and now they’ve made him CRY!”

“Noooo!”, someone gasped.

“The horror!”, a mother exclaimed.

Bjorgolf the Bererker was furious.   “Clearly, those cursed Eldâr-KrΦnes have gone too far!  No one messes with the Village Bear, except us!   …NO ONE!”

“Aye…Viking Code or not, this brings the battle to a whole new level”, Olaf agreed.

“Clearly, we’re going to have to take drastic measure to rid the village for these Gray Ones, once and for all.   But first, I must seek counsel…”

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END OF PART I

What will Olaf do?
How will the Vikings get rid of the Eldâr-KrΦnes?
Will poor Ursaäl need therapy?

STAY TUNED FOR PART II..!!

Friar’s Ass-Hat Cartoon Hall of Fame

November 24, 2009

(*)  In no specific order

Scrappy Doo

You know a shows’ writers are starting to grasp at straws and run out of ideas, whenever they have to introduce a lame-ass side-kick.    And an asshole one, at that.

Seriously.  Who LIKES this little shit?

Just Google “I hate Scrappy” and you’ll be suprised at how many sites you come up with.
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aGleek

Wonder-Twin powers,  activate!

Shape of…a retarded monkey.

Form of…the point in time, at which Superfriends jumped the shark.
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Bat-Mite

I had happily managed to repress this awful childhood memory for a few decades, until I recently flipped channels and re-discovered “The New Adventures of BatMan” on the Cartoon Network.

I never had a problem with Batman or Robin, despite their questionable man/boy relationship. (Which, even my Mom had pointed out was a little fishy…)

But I have NO idea WTF Bat-Mite is.

All I know is I wish it would must DIE! DIE! DIE!
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Partidge Family 2200 AD

Hah hah!  Bet you forgot about this one, didn’t you?

Again, another gem from the 1970’s, that Golden Era of creating Saturday Morning Cartoons from past-their-prime TV shows.

I never got into the regular Partridge Family that much in the first place. (I always considered them the B-Team, compared to the Brady Bunch.)

But to make a cartoon version, and to turn it into a rip-off of the JETSONS?

Strike one.  Strike two.  Strike three.  Yerrrr OUT.
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Newton the Centaur

If you were a Canadian born between 1964 and 1975, chances are you know you all about Newton and The Mighty Hercules

For those who aren’t, just imagine an androgynous (possibly gay) centaur, who repeats everything twice, in an annoying  high-pitched, whinnying voice.

I watched Hercules for the first time when I was five, and even at that age, I could already recognize the extreme ass-hatted-ness of Newton.

But hey, at least he could SPEAK.

…unlike his autistic buddy, Toot, who could only communicate via flute-music.

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Pokémon

Unless you’re a little boy, between ages 6-10, there is absolutely NOTHING of any redeemable quality, here.

Seems things started to go to Hell in a hand basket,  just at the precise moment when they brought out this cartoon.

I blame Pokémon for bringing the onset the decline of our civilization,  as we know it.

Prove me wrong, folks.
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Passe-Partout (Honorable Mention)

Okay, you had to grow up in Quebec to have seen this one.  This gets an honorable mention, because they aren’t really cartoons, they’re puppets.

But puppets 100 times more obnoxious than Elmo.

Words fail to describe how ass-hat this is.  It’s best to see it yourself.

Here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwiHQsb6Ja0&feature=PlayList&p=D41922BE859CB8C0&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=13

And (Good Lord) especially HERE:

Ramblings of a Cynical Bachelor: Top Reaons Why I’m still Single.

November 18, 2009

Wish I had a nickel every time someone (usually a married woman) tells me:

“It’s about time you settled down and found a woman!   Why are you still single?”

(Yes, JOIN us, Friar.   You can’t possibly be happy, being alone?   Become assimilated!  Be ONE with the Collective!)

Well, there are plenty of good reasons why I’m still single, and I get tired of explaining my situation to all the breeding-couples.

So, in the interest of simplifying things, I’ll just list them there.

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1. Standing There and Breathing
This is all any woman who’s even remotely attractive has to do, and guys will flock to her in droves.   And they’ll keep hitting on her until she eventually agrees to date one of them.

Therefore, the changes of any remotely-attractive women being available are extremely slim.
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2. The Impossible Window of Opportunity
There’s often an extremely short time between someone getting over their break-up, and starting up a serious relationship again.   It’s sometimes measured in nanoseconds.

Though typically, the interval might be as long as a couple of months, where I could conceivably ask that someone out before they’re taken again.

But God forbid, if I miss that window by even a few weeks, I’m S.O.L.
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3.  Reverse Attraction
Okay..say the stars are aligned, and I do manage to hit that rare time when I can can ask someone out…

Well, she’d still have to like me enough to say “Yes”.

(And that, my friends, is whole other ball-game.)
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4. Pete Rose
The only available women I’ve been introduced to look like him.

(Look, I’m not so shallow that I’ll only go out with a Silicone Barbie Doll).

But is it too much to ask that a potential date NOT be mistaken for a DUDE?
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5. Red Meat
I like it too much to give up, which only reduces my odds of finding someone.

Because now I’m incompatible with a significant portion of the planet who are plant-eaters.
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6.  Kitty-Cats
Single women tend to have them.   But I’m horribly, horribly allergic.   Thus further reducing my odds.

Thanks, Kitty.

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7. Caveat Emptor
At my age (40-something),  someone has typically been on the market for 20 years.

So it makes me ask, if someone is still available after all that time..WHY?

Now, before everyone screams at me, yes, I realize this also applies to myself!   (But that doesn’t help the situation, it only makes it more difficult. )

It’s like that great house down the street for sale, that nobody wants to buy.

Because there’s probably an ancient Indian burial ground in the basement, or something.
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8.  Céline Dion
Too many women love this caterwauling diva, and chances are I’ll meet one of them.

And when she starts playing one of Céline’s CD’s,  I’ll forget to bite my tongue and I’ll say what I really think.

And it will be game over.
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9,  Oprah
See Céline.

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10.  Instant Dad
(Or, if you live where I do,  Instant Grand-Dad).

Call me a heretic, but not all of us are exactly thrilled at the prospect of going from zero to sixty, in five seconds.

Of course, all kinds of people tell me it’s not that bad, marrying into a family with grown kids.

But I can’t help but notice, they’re the ones who’ve already had the kids in the first place.
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11.  Toilet Seats
Up or down, I don’t care.   I always check before I sit, and I have no pity for people who fall in, who don’t.

And this alone, for many women, is justifiable homicide.
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12. Deadbeat Dads
Seriously, once I had someone bring this up within the first 5 minutes of conversation.  She went on about how her no-good ex husband was behind on child-support payments.

(Lady, if  you were  trying to make me run for the hills, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!)

Look, I’m just trying to get to know you.   I’m not quite ready to help pay for your teenagers’ college tuition.
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12. Screaming Free-Range Hippie Children
Lots of people I know have them.    All I have to do is visit for a weekend, and its’ like an inoculation.

I’m then immunized, and want nothing to do with pair-bonding and reproducing for the next 6 months.

(And I’m thankful for that).
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13.  SpongeBob Square Pants
I like to watch him.  But if was in a relationship, I’d probably get in shit for it, for being immature.

Then I’d be forced to watch something lame-ass like “So you think you can Yoga”.

And then I’d have to gouge my eyes out.
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14.  The Granola-Mother Anti-Friar Sisterhood Movement
Who will no doubt be brandishing pitchforks and torches after reading this post.

Not to mention, warning the entire female population to stay away the hell away from me.

Stupid Candy Purchases

November 14, 2009

..Went to the “Big City” today to see a movie, and I dropped into the bulk candy store on the way.

(Laugh if you will, but we dont’ have such a store in Splat Creek.   Where I live, it’s a big deal to go to these places).

Especially if you can get stupid candy like this:

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Citrus-like Fruit Slices

Candy Citrus

Individually wrapped, no less.

I love how they try to make these (sorta) look like slices of an actual orange.  (Gee, Ma, I ate my fruit already, can I have my candy now?)

I’ve put these in order, from left to right, in decreasing order of realism.

If you squint real hard and use your imagination, at least the first two can almost pass for an orange and a lime.     But what about the others?

(I mean, WTF is with the red-white-blue one supposed to be?… Patriotic Citrus for Team USA?)

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Reindeer Candy Corn
Candy Reindeer Corn
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As if regular candy “corn” wasn’t already artificial enough, they came up with THIS abomination.

Okay…to be fair, I can honestly say it tastes (no better/no worse) than the fluorescent-orange/yellow kind.

Though I suspect no actual reindeers would go within 50 feet of these radioactive pellets.

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Candy Blocks

Candy Legoa
Ah, nothing like sugar, dye and ascorbic acid press-fitted into rock-hard impregnable cubes.

But actually, these work surprisingly well:   they interlock and you can build with them, just like real plastic thing.

And they’re just about as  edible, too (especially if  you’re interested in cracking your enamel.)

I like them, though.

It brings me back to my early childhood/toddler days.

When I used to suck on my Legos…

Things I Look Forward to Doing When I Get Old

November 10, 2009

Drive Less Than the Speed Limit
And not one iota faster.    If the other drivers don’t like it, tough.  I’ll have paid my taxes, I’ll use this road and drive any speed I want, God-dammit.a
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Forget How to Park
Goes hand-in-hand with the above.

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Cut in Line at Fast-Food Restaurants.
There is an art to this.  The secret is to wander up front to the counter, while doddering and looking just confused enough that people feel sorry for you.  Then all of the sudden, you regain your mental faculties, and place your order ahead of everyone.  (HAH!   Suckers…!)

This can apply to any line, actually.
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Wear Abominable Golf Clothes
I already have my wardrobe picked out for the Back Nine.   Lime-green pants with white belt, cinched up under my arm-pits.  Chartreuse golf shirt, black socks and white sandals.

Not to mention the big white hat with matching lime-green pom-pom.     Golfing is optional.
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Learn Senior Profanity
As a Senior, the F-bomb just won’t cut it anymore.   Now I’ll be encouraged (nay, expected) to use profanity only the over-80 crowd can get away with.    I can’t wait to use curse-words like  “Land Sakes”,  “My Word”, and “Consarn it”.   And let’s not forget the timeless classic:  “Jumping Jehoshaphat”.

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Pay with Exact Change
Apparently, it’s against the law for Seniors to break bills as long as they possess coins.     But the bonus is that they get to watch the young people get all flustered and annoyed, while they fish for exact change from their patented Gray-Head™ Change-Purse.   I can just imagine the entertainment I’ll get holding up the line (which I’ll have already cut into in the first place).

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Shop only at Lunch and at 5:00 PM
Never mind that I’ll be retired and can shop anytime I want.    No, I’m gonna fun and mess with the young folks some more, and I’ll coincide my errands with their lunch break and when they just get off work.   All while cutting in line and paying with exact change, of course.
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Be Opinionated as Hell with Impunity.
I learned this from my Dad.   After he turned 65, his attitude was:  “If people don’t like what I say, they can go to Hell.  It’s their problem, not mine.”

It’s true.   When you’re that old, you can say politically incorrect things that would have otherwise gotten you punched out if you were 25.   But now, people will just accept it and sigh: Well, he’s OLD…”

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Fear and Loathe the New Technology
Sometime, 30 years from now, there will be the next newest gizmo, the equivalent of the latest i-Phone or Guitar-Hero.   It will be really easy to operate,  maybe requiring you to press just two buttons.

And I won’t be able to use it, because I can’t learn how.    (Or won’t learn how).
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Mistrust Teenagers
I’m only 45, but already, they’re starting to annoy me.

That’s how it all begins, I suppose…

Gone to the Dogs

November 9, 2009

A quick study of Brett’s puppy, Walter.

Walter