Wish I had a nickel every time someone (usually a married woman) tells me:
“It’s about time you settled down and found a woman! Why are you still single?”
(Yes, JOIN us, Friar. You can’t possibly be happy, being alone? Become assimilated! Be ONE with the Collective!)
Well, there are plenty of good reasons why I’m still single, and I get tired of explaining my situation to all the breeding-couples.
So, in the interest of simplifying things, I’ll just list them there.
1. Standing There and Breathing
This is all any woman who’s even remotely attractive has to do, and guys will flock to her in droves. And they’ll keep hitting on her until she eventually agrees to date one of them.
Therefore, the changes of any remotely-attractive women being available are extremely slim.
2. The Impossible Window of Opportunity
There’s often an extremely short time between someone getting over their break-up, and starting up a serious relationship again. It’s sometimes measured in nanoseconds.
Though typically, the interval might be as long as a couple of months, where I could conceivably ask that someone out before they’re taken again.
But God forbid, if I miss that window by even a few weeks, I’m S.O.L.
3. Reverse Attraction
Okay..say the stars are aligned, and I do manage to hit that rare time when I can can ask someone out…
Well, she’d still have to like me enough to say “Yes”.
(And that, my friends, is whole other ball-game.)
4. Pete Rose
The only available women I’ve been introduced to look like him.
(Look, I’m not so shallow that I’ll only go out with a Silicone Barbie Doll).
But is it too much to ask that a potential date NOT be mistaken for a DUDE?
5. Red Meat
I like it too much to give up, which only reduces my odds of finding someone.
Because now I’m incompatible with a significant portion of the planet who are plant-eaters.
Single women tend to have them. But I’m horribly, horribly allergic. Thus further reducing my odds.
7. Caveat Emptor
At my age (40-something), someone has typically been on the market for 20 years.
So it makes me ask, if someone is still available after all that time..WHY?
Now, before everyone screams at me, yes, I realize this also applies to myself! (But that doesn’t help the situation, it only makes it more difficult. )
It’s like that great house down the street for sale, that nobody wants to buy.
Because there’s probably an ancient Indian burial ground in the basement, or something.
8. Céline Dion
Too many women love this caterwauling diva, and chances are I’ll meet one of them.
And when she starts playing one of Céline’s CD’s, I’ll forget to bite my tongue and I’ll say what I really think.
And it will be game over.
10. Instant Dad
(Or, if you live where I do, Instant Grand-Dad).
Call me a heretic, but not all of us are exactly thrilled at the prospect of going from zero to sixty, in five seconds.
Of course, all kinds of people tell me it’s not that bad, marrying into a family with grown kids.
But I can’t help but notice, they’re the ones who’ve already had the kids in the first place.
11. Toilet Seats
Up or down, I don’t care. I always check before I sit, and I have no pity for people who fall in, who don’t.
And this alone, for many women, is justifiable homicide.
12. Deadbeat Dads
Seriously, once I had someone bring this up within the first 5 minutes of conversation. She went on about how her no-good ex husband was behind on child-support payments.
(Lady, if you were trying to make me run for the hills, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!)
Look, I’m just trying to get to know you. I’m not quite ready to help pay for your teenagers’ college tuition.
12. Screaming Free-Range Hippie Children
Lots of people I know have them. All I have to do is visit for a weekend, and its’ like an inoculation.
I’m then immunized, and want nothing to do with pair-bonding and reproducing for the next 6 months.
(And I’m thankful for that).
13. SpongeBob Square Pants
I like to watch him. But if was in a relationship, I’d probably get in shit for it, for being immature.
Then I’d be forced to watch something lame-ass like “So you think you can Yoga”.
And then I’d have to gouge my eyes out.
14. The Granola-Mother Anti-Friar Sisterhood Movement
Who will no doubt be brandishing pitchforks and torches after reading this post.
Not to mention, warning the entire female population to stay away the hell away from me.