Friar’s Zodiac Signs Revisited

A while ago, I posted some new Zodiac signs.    But I’m afraid they’ll all wrong.

You see, I hadn’t taken into account that Pluto has been demoted to a “dwarf planet“.   I also hadn’t allowed for the other recently-discovered dwarf planets. (Like Eris, which is even bigger than Pluto).

And of course you realize, since astrology is an exact (snicker) science,  that changes EVERYTHING.

So, after many intricate calculations and consulting countless star-charts, without any further ado…here is the new, updated Zodiac.


Chocolate (January 1 – January 30)
You display many personalities.  You can be hard and bitter, or soft and sweet.  You’re a team player, often joining with others of equal substance, to create a winning combination.  But many prefer you on your own, just as you are.   You tend to be very popular, especially with the ladies.

The Stapler (February 1 – March 7th)
You’re basic, old-school, and often under-appreciated, but sorely missed if you’re not around. Others appreciate how you bring order into chaotic situations.  Your strength lies in your gathering the sum of the parts, and assembling them into one cohesive whole.

The Labrador  (March 8th – April 1st)
You’re hyper.  You’re clumsy.  You’re messy.   And you often stick your nose where it doesn’t’ below.  Despite this, you’re lovable in your own goofy way.  You want to be everyone’s best friend, and you’re  great with kids.

The Vacuum Cleaner (April 2nd – May 14)
You’re fastidious, you don’t like messes, but you have high aspirations.  Just remember to take in the good, and filter out the bad.  Otherwise, things could really start to suck.   Stay away from the Labrador, you two are incompatible.

Ice  (May 15- June 8 )
You’re cold, frigid and brittle, but your presence is often found to be refreshing.   And all it takes is for someone to show you some warmth and compassion, and you’ll melt in their hands.  Try to team up with Kool-Aid, you go well together.

Lego (June 9 – July 10)
You’re a colorful sort.  Multi-faceted and you do well in groups.  You will loyally stick with your team-mates.  The only downside is that your thinking tends to be linear:  you don’t’ like to cut corners or round things off.   But if you apply yourself, there’s no limit to how big you can grow.

Kool-Aid (July 11 – August 21)
(Oh yeah!)  You’re colorful and vibrant.   You put on a good show, even though there’s not that much substance to you.  Everyone likes you, though adults won’t admit it.   But your sweet personality guarantees you’ll be a big hit with the kids.

Bubble-Wrap (August 22 September 10)
You’re a protective sort, acting as a cushion against the harsh realities of life.   Your only downfall is that others will often take advantage of your generous nature.  They’ll keep applying pressure until you literally reach the breaking point.   Be careful not to let this happen too often, or you’re lose your identity.

The Hot Wheel (September 11 – October 15)

When properly guided, you fly through obstacles with speed and vigor.   But you often run off course, and that’s when things tend to derail.   Just stay true to your course,  try keep things on track, and you’ll do fine.

The Spatula (October 16-November 18)
You’re always prying into other people’s business, and constantly making things topsy-turvy.  But you also show an impenetrable, impervious side.  Nothing sticks to you.  It’s almost like you’re made of Teflon or something.

Neon (November 19 – December 5th)
Inert, and gassy.  Noble and aloof. You’re a loner, you dont’ like to join up with others.   But if someone sparks your attention, you’ll light up the room with your brilliant presence.

Mud (December 5th – December 30th)
You’re extremely down-to-earth.  Uptight people try to avoid you at all costs.   Others, especially the young, will seek you out and embrace you with glee.  Either way, you’re omnipresent: it’s difficult to imagine life without you.   You’re extremely compatible with the Labrador.

Explore posts in the same categories: Friar's Grab Bag

Tags: , , , ,

You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.

52 Comments on “Friar’s Zodiac Signs Revisited”

  1. Linda Says:

    I believe you have it spot on. Brilliant!

  2. Friar Says:


    Thanks! And the good thing about this, is that it’s no more or no less valid than any other zodiac list out there! 🙂

  3. Brett Legree Says:

    If you’re on the cusp of The Labrador and The Vacuum Cleaner, you’re in shit.


  4. Eyeteaguy Says:

    You’ll have to stop writing such good posts. Soon I’ll have nothing to complain about.

    Good job. Very funny. I laughed.


    P.S. Ice (May 15- June shows up with a smiley in the post.

  5. Friar Says:


    Yeah, I woudln’t want to be born that time of the year!


    Okay…I’ll write a lame-ass post in the near future, so you can poke fun at it.

    (Though I’m surprised you didn’t give me shit about posting my boring paintings a few days ago).

  6. Karen JL Says:

    Those paintings weren’t boring with “f*ck” written all over them. Just keep doing that to keep EyeTea happy.

    Yours truly,
    A Stapler

  7. Brett Legree Says:

    I think that the planets are aligned or something, because The Labrador is gassing…

  8. Friar Says:


    Wouldn’t suprise me. Labradors are very versatile.

    They’ve been known to interact with (i.e. eat) almost everything on this Zodiac list (except maybe the Vacuum cleaner and stapler).

  9. Friar Says:


    One day when I”m a famous artist, I’ll sell those paintings.

    They will know as Friar’s famous “F*ck period”.

  10. hannah78 Says:

    Yay mud! LOL. No. Can I go back to being a mutated goat-fish? Please? 😉

  11. Friar Says:


    I think mud sounds less scary! But sure, go back to being the goat-fish if you want. 🙂

  12. Eyeteaguy Says:

    As opposed to your fucked up period? Which covers the rest of your “career”?


  13. Friar Says:


    And what are YOUR painting periods?

    Oh, that’s right. You don’t paint.

  14. XUP Says:

    You’ve truly outdone yourself this time, Friar. These are brilliant. AND, I’m a stapler and I gotta say it’s pretty darn accurate. Eerie…

  15. Friar Says:


    Well, of COURSE it’s accurate…!! It’s an exact science, you know!

    (Actually, from what I know about you from your blog, the stapler DOES seem to be a good description!)

  16. Friar's Mom Says:

    Hi Wee Friar,

    Hmm! So your mom (a Hotwheel) and your dad (a Neon) produced a Lego, a chocolate, and a stapler.

    Come to think of it, you’re quite right, you’re all so different.

    How did a Lego come up with such an outlandish post? I laughed out loud when I read the word “mud”.

  17. Friar Says:

    Hi Friar’s Mom

    I really didn’ tpay attention to who was what when I drafted these new Friarscopes.

    When I was done, I was delighted to see that I was Lego.

    That’s a lot more fun than being lame-ass Cancer. (Ooooh, lookit me, I’m a CRAB…Pinch! Pinch! Pinch!)

  18. Karen JL Says:

    Friar has crabs? Again?

  19. Friar Says:


    No, I have LEGO.

    (Which is much more socially acceptable).

  20. Karen JL Says:

    But those little corners must hurt like hell.

  21. Davina Says:

    Oh oh… I’m on the cusp of vacuum cleaner and Labrador and they’re incompatible. I’m doomed! But seriously, these are brilliant Friar — thumbs up.

  22. Friar Says:


    I’m just glad it’s not Duplo!


    DOOOOOOMED, I tells ya! 😀

  23. Davina Says:

    *giggle* About the Labrador and the vacuum…? “Oh damn life ‘sucks’… Throw the ball Friar, throw the ball!” Repeat. 😀

  24. Kelly Says:


    Hooray! I’m chocolate!!

    The only thing that would make me happier is being champagne.

    My Kid’s a Labrador. And believe me, that fits perfectly.

    I feel bad for the 31 Dec. and 31 January kids, though. Guess they’ll have to continue on with Friar’s Old Zodiac.



    P.S. Hehe, I think I’ll go ISO a nice Mud… settle down, and produce some beautiful, monochromatic babies.

  25. Kelly Says:

    Hey, Friar, your blog doesn’t know about daylight savings time. Weirded me out there for a second. You might have to dig for a setting somewhere.

  26. Mer Says:

    I’m a LEGO, afraid of being swallowed by the Labrador or


    …the vacuum cleaner!


  27. Friar Says:


    I should have included The Ball, to keep the Labrador company.

    It would be a pretty lame-ass Zodiac sigh, but no more so, than Libra.


    Oh no?! Dec. 31 and Jan. 31. Darn!

    Maybe one of these days I’ll have to do a Zodiac Signs, Part Trois, to correct that oversight!

    PS. Dunno why WordPress hasn’t switched to Standard time. Mabye I’ll fix it….later.


    The Labrador is a powerful sign…

    We Legos have to watch out for them.

    So do the Hotwheels.

  28. Brett Legree Says:

    Yes, you two had better watch out.

    The Labrador just ate two Lego blocks and a Hot Wheels today… he’ll be like a bear with a sore arse tomorrow…

  29. steph Says:

    “Others appreciate how you bring order into chaotic situations.”

    Ummm…no. I do quite the opposite, actually! 🙂

  30. steph Says:

    PS. These are really brilliant. And hilarious!

  31. Friar Says:


    It figures… 🙂


    Maybe you’re a stapler that’s just jammed, and looking to find out how to get unstuck. 😉

  32. Brett Legree Says:

    “Maybe you’re a stapler that’s just jammed, and looking to find out how to get unstuck.”

    The Labrador did it *chomp*

  33. Friar Says:


    The Labrador is especially prominent, when there are four small planets sharing his house.

    This is the dawning of the Age of the Labrador.

  34. Brett Legree Says:

    When the moon is in the Seventh House
    And Jupiter aligns with Mars
    Then peace will guide the planets
    And love will steer the stars

    This is the dawning of the age of The Labrador
    The age of The Labrador
    The Labrador!
    The Labrador!

    Harmony and understanding
    Sympathy and trust abounding
    No more falsehoods or derisions
    Golden living dreams of visions
    Mystic crystal revalation
    And the mind’s true liberation
    The Labrador!
    The Labrador!

    When the moon is in the Seventh House
    And Jupiter aligns with Mars
    Then peace will guide the planets
    And love will steer the stars

    This is the dawning of the age of The Labrador
    The age of The Labrador
    The Labrador!
    The Labrador!

  35. Mer Says:

    LOL. Clever, Brett! :mrgreen:

  36. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    Steph is right. These are brilliant.

  37. Friar Says:



    Possibly. But I’d say only somewhat.

    I mean, how hard can it BE to cut and paste song lyrics?

    (Sorry, Brett) 😀


    When the dog
    is in the Legree House
    And the kids and wife are from Mars
    Then Chaos will rule the living room
    And barking will guide the stars.

    This is the dawning of the age of The Labrador
    The age of The Labrador
    The Labrador!
    The Labrador!

  38. Friar Says:


    PS. Our discussion last week about astrology helped inspire me to write this! 😉

  39. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    Our discussion last week about astrology helped inspire me to write this!

    I thought as much. 😛

    I like the dog in the Legree house song. I would type more but I have COLD (Cat On Lap Disease). You are missing the sound of one hand typing…


  40. Brett Legree Says:

    “I mean, how hard can it BE to cut and paste song lyrics?”

    That part’s easy.

    The trick is doing it without exposing yourself to potential malware (since a lot of the lyrics sites are vectors for all kinds of infectious nasties – trust me).

    I like your edit very much – I thought to do something like that rather than just a quick cut/paste, but The Labrador needed to pee rather badly…


  41. Friar Says:


    I think it would be fun to have Brett’s dog meet your cat….

    Talk about mis-matched Zodiac signs.


    I’ve NEVER seen your dog pee….

    On accounta when I’m there, he’s too excited to do anything but jump on me.

    …and try to eat my watch.

  42. Friar Says:


    If any of you are confused, That last comment was from me (Friar).

    I’m visiting, at my Mom’s computer. It had “Friar’s Mom” as the default.

    Never mind. It’s since been fixed.

  43. Ahhh, boooo

    Now I’m a vacuum cleaner? Are you trying to tell me I suck???? Friar!!!!

    Go to your room.

  44. Friar Says:


    Well, the stars don’t lie. You’ll just have to accept that you’re a vacuum cleaner.

    (Haven’t been sent to my room for a time-out in a while…I kinda missed it!) 😉

  45. chris zydel Says:

    These are totally great! And I like the revisions. At least this time I get to be a cool Hot Wheel. Last time I ended up in the Friar never-never land where I didn’t exist! This is much better.

    Oh… and one of the qualities of Cancer? They are INCREDIBLY imaginative and creative… not just crabby ( although that too.) But, I can see how neither of those qualities fit you AT ALL. (-:

  46. Kelly Says:

    LOL, Chris,

    Friar’s utter and complete Cancerian-ness is the entire reason why I know astrology works.


  47. chris zydel Says:

    LOL, Kelly and Bing-Fucking-O!!!

  48. Friar Says:

    @Kelly and Chris

    Oh, I knew it was a matter of time before the True Believers came out, and provided their comments from the Peanut Gallery.

    I suppose if I was a Taurus, you Star-Children would be saying I was “bull-headed”. Or if I was a Capricorn, I’d be called a “stubborn old goat”.

    I’ll just stick with my Lego, thank you very much. 😉

  49. Kelly Says:


    I must stubbornly insist that there is something to astrology. (And we’ve had this discussion before—I insert “for whatever reason, perhaps it’s just our collective exposure to the memes of astrology making so many folks behave typically.”)

    I have to stick with it, because…

    I’m a stubborn old Goat.


    Your favorite Capricorn

  50. Brett Legree Says:

    According to your revised zodiac, I’m The Spatula.

    Though according to the Chinese calendar, I was born in the Year of the Cock.

    Yes, Cock. Not the candy-ass Rooster – why did they have to start calling it the Rooster?


    Explains why I’m such a Richard.

  51. Friar Says:

    Oh, I know…we had that debate over a year ago, right?

    We’ll never fully agree.

    Which is why it’s fun to write posts like these. 😉

  52. Friar Says:



    You said “cock”.


    (Maybe there’s something to this astrology, after all!) 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: