Things I Look Forward to Doing When I Get Old

Drive Less Than the Speed Limit
And not one iota faster.    If the other drivers don’t like it, tough.  I’ll have paid my taxes, I’ll use this road and drive any speed I want, God-dammit.a

Forget How to Park
Goes hand-in-hand with the above.


Cut in Line at Fast-Food Restaurants.
There is an art to this.  The secret is to wander up front to the counter, while doddering and looking just confused enough that people feel sorry for you.  Then all of the sudden, you regain your mental faculties, and place your order ahead of everyone.  (HAH!   Suckers…!)

This can apply to any line, actually.
Wear Abominable Golf Clothes
I already have my wardrobe picked out for the Back Nine.   Lime-green pants with white belt, cinched up under my arm-pits.  Chartreuse golf shirt, black socks and white sandals.

Not to mention the big white hat with matching lime-green pom-pom.     Golfing is optional.

Learn Senior Profanity
As a Senior, the F-bomb just won’t cut it anymore.   Now I’ll be encouraged (nay, expected) to use profanity only the over-80 crowd can get away with.    I can’t wait to use curse-words like  “Land Sakes”,  “My Word”, and “Consarn it”.   And let’s not forget the timeless classic:  “Jumping Jehoshaphat”.

Pay with Exact Change
Apparently, it’s against the law for Seniors to break bills as long as they possess coins.     But the bonus is that they get to watch the young people get all flustered and annoyed, while they fish for exact change from their patented Gray-Head™ Change-Purse.   I can just imagine the entertainment I’ll get holding up the line (which I’ll have already cut into in the first place).

Shop only at Lunch and at 5:00 PM
Never mind that I’ll be retired and can shop anytime I want.    No, I’m gonna fun and mess with the young folks some more, and I’ll coincide my errands with their lunch break and when they just get off work.   All while cutting in line and paying with exact change, of course.

Be Opinionated as Hell with Impunity.
I learned this from my Dad.   After he turned 65, his attitude was:  “If people don’t like what I say, they can go to Hell.  It’s their problem, not mine.”

It’s true.   When you’re that old, you can say politically incorrect things that would have otherwise gotten you punched out if you were 25.   But now, people will just accept it and sigh: Well, he’s OLD…”

65 is when it starts.   And the older you get, the more you can get away with.a

Fear and Loathe the New Technology
Sometime, 30 years from now, there will be the next newest gizmo, the equivalent of the latest i-Phone or Guitar-Hero.   It will be really easy to operate,  maybe requiring you to press just two buttons.

And I won’t be able to use it, because I can’t learn how.    (Or won’t learn how).

Mistrust Teenagers
I’m only 45, but already, they’re starting to annoy me.

That’s how it all begins, I suppose…

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31 Comments on “Things I Look Forward to Doing When I Get Old”

  1. Donald Mills Says:

    Good stuff, Friar.

    I’ll meet you on the back nine! There is a lot to look forward to but being as opinionated as hell with total impunity is the real reward. And by the time you hit 65, you’ve got a lot of pent up opinions that need airing.

    I’d forgo “land sakes.” That’s more of an old lady term – and go with something like “Jesus H.E. double hockey sticks.”

    Great post. Thanks


  2. Friar Says:


    I’m already quite opinionated, but I tend to get scolded for it. So, more often than not, I tend to repress what I’d really LIKE to say.

    You’re right. I can’t wait till I’m old enough, when I’m allowed to blow off steam and get away with it.

    Looks like I have 20 more years to wait, though.

    (Jesus H.E. double-hockey sticks! )

  3. Tracy Says:

    I’m going to move to someplace with public transportation and crack young whippersnappers about the knees with my umbrella to make them get up and give me a seat and/or if they offend my sensibilities in any way.

    And I will offer candy to strange children and watch as their parents struggle with how to respond. Because they don’t want their kid to think it’s okay to take candy from strangers or that candy is okay, period, but I am very old. And if they decline, I will keep on insisting until they snap and yell at me and people will give them dirty looks, they will.

    I will not, however, delight in scaring random toddlers by bellowing at them, for that is something only really grouchy old men do.

  4. Tracy Says:

    Oh yes, and I will embarrass young people by piping up with how we did the sexual intercourse back in my day.

  5. Kyddryn Says:

    Now why did I suddenly picture Abe Simpson saying “I’m gonna kiss her like a mule eatin’ an apple!!”?

    I bet you’ll be one of the old men that makes the girls giggle and say “Isn’t he cute??”

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who thinks no one understands or much likes most teenagers…not even teenagers)

  6. David Says:

    Is it bad that I’m 39 and do most of those things already?

  7. Whenever an old(er) person cuts in front of me in line or cuts me off in traffic, I say out loud, “Older people just have to be first.” Sometimes they hear me, too, but they’ve never been embarrassed about it. Maybe I should change it up a bit and say, “Older people just have to be assholes.” ?

  8. Friar..You are already turning into a crumudgen…I don’t even want to THINK about what you’ll be like when you are old. *shivers*

    But, since I’ll be older and wandering about on the beach selling bad paintings and singing happy songs and drinking fun drinks with little umbrellas in them and chatting with strangers and telling them “Don’t worry, be happy” I doubt your nasty Old crumudgeny habits will bug me too much..’cept when you come to vist…:)

  9. Friar Says:

    Heh heh. I can just picture how much fun you’ll have when you’re 75!

    Old ladies can get away with a lot, too. Even more so than old men. Especially if you shrink down to a tiny, 90-lb. size.

    The intercourse thing is a good idea, if you’re feeling threatened by teenagers and want to defend yourself. It’s a sure-fire way to get them to clear the room.

    Don Mills (see above comment) just wrote a great post about how to protect yourself from teens. Definitely worth reading.

    I think you’re right about me being a cute old man.

    Women already do that to me, to some extent. I’m typically viewed as a friend/big-brother non-threatening type.

    Which is nice, if I want to be someone’s friend. But not so great, if I’m interested romantically.

    PS. There’s maybe 2-3 teenagers who I think are pretty good kids. One is my niece. As for the others…Well, let me think about it.

    It’s a gradual process…you start doing these things in your 40’s, and by the time you’re 65, you’re into it, full-swing.

    Though 39 is a bit young. Were you raised by your grandparents, perhaps? 😉

    No, that won’t work. It’ll back-fire.

    They’ll used their Old-People telepathic powers of persuasion, and everyone will feel sorry for them, and think YOU’RE the asshole.

    I dont’ know if there’s any way to remedy the situation, except to wait 20-30 years, for your turn to pull this stunt on everyone else.

  10. Ehhh – I drive 55. It’s safer, it saves a LOT of gas and it’s a hell of a lot more relaxing.

    We eat dinner (or supper – whatever you call the third meal) early, usually before 4:00 PM. It’s healthier, but when eating out, does have the advantage of avoiding crowds.

    I’ve ALWAYS been opinionated. So have you, I think 🙂

    Teenagers are screwed up mentally. I was, you were, everybody else was. We outgrow it. Most of us.

    As for the rest, no, that’s not me.

  11. Friar Says:


    Yeah, but you’re a wee bit older than me…you’re on the cusp of being a senior. So it’s expected that you drive slow. 😉

    I’ve always been opionated, but like I was saying to Don, I often get in shit for it.

    Can’t wait till I’m older and I get my “Get out of Jail Free” card. And can mouth off all I want, and nobody will dare say anything.

  12. Brett Legree Says:

    You better do it now Friar, H1N1 is going to mutate into Captain Trips and you won’t get your chance…


    That’s my opinion of course, and if you don’t like it, you can go to H.E. double hockey sticks (thanks Don!)

  13. Brett Legree Says:

    PS – one other thing I look forward to doing when I’m older, is blasting the music I listen to *now* even louder.

    You think all old people listen to that crap they play in old age homes, wait til you hear me!

  14. Friar Says:


    Jumping Jehoshaphat, Jesus, Mary and Joseph! You’re right!

    I better get on it.

    PS. When you’re old, the kids will think your Viking-Metal Death-rock is old and lame. Scares me to think what they’ll be listening to, that will be even worse.

  15. Friar Says:


    I’ll set up shop right next to you…selling GOOD paintings, and grumbling at the surf-boarding teens to “get the hell off my lawn”. (or sand, actually).

    You’ll be too old and frail to send me to my room, by then. 😉

  16. Brett Legree Says:


    I doubt it – I’ve heard the music that “them youngin’s” think is scary stuff – my mom’s lullabies were scarier.

    Kids these days, bunch of candy-assed pansies.

  17. Friar Says:


    You may be right. If the parents are already listening to loud music, how are today’s kids gonna rebel?

    Probably by listening to quiet, lame-ass stuff.

    I can see Lawrence Welk making a come-back.

  18. When I get old I plan to dress with class. Wool overcoats, tweed jackets with the elbow patches, scarves and hats. I also plan to be obnoxiously sexist and call my waitresses things like “Dearie and Sweetie.”

    And as far as technology, well, that’s happening to me already. I don’t get the whole texting thing, and when I do it I use proper English (not this txt speak crap). I have a facebook page, but seldom log in. I don’t get this new technology stuff other than blogging (which is just journaling on the web) and twitter (which, ironically, is just texting on the web).

    Nice list.

  19. Davina Says:

    Well I’m relieved to see that we’re the same age… we won’t be a threat to each other 🙂 We can pair up and wreak havoc – heh, heh. I learned from my grandmother AND I used to work in a retirement home on weekends. Them people are not as “old” as they try to look.

  20. XUP Says:

    The Senior’s Discounts!! For God’s sake don’t forget about the Senior’s Discounts! It’s what I’m looking forward to the most. I’m going to insist on them everywhere I go. “I’m old! I want it for 75% off I will screech. I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN! I deserve to get everything practically free!! Now get outta my way!”

  21. steph Says:

    I love when people say whatever the hell they think, esp. kids and old people. Sometimes I have no clue how to respond, but I totally understand why they do it. It’s too much effort otherwise, they just don’t care what you think, they’re too young/old to know any better, or it probably makes them feel good. Or all of the above at once.

    I pretty much just say what I want, always have. I think for the most part people feel shocked…and then maybe even relieved. They never have to question where they stand or what I think.

    It doesn’t necessarily mean I am rude or unkind or that I say *everything* exactly the way I think it. I just find it freeing to be honest and up front. And you’d be surprised by where it gets you sometimes.

  22. Friar Says:


    Ahhh…the hat. Nothing says “Senior” like a hat.

    It starts off small at first. An apprentice hat, with a visor on it…when you’re in your early 50’s.

    By the time you’re 75, it’s a big fedora. Which you’ll be obliged to wear while driving, while hunched behind the wheel, with only your knuckles showing.

    PS. I don’t even OWN a cell-phone (Which my 17-year old niece finds incredibly lame).

    See? It’s already starting for me, too. 😮


    “..not as old as they look…”….EXACTLY!

    I know lots of septuagenarians who are both a) more wealthy and b) more physically fit, than most 35-year-olds.

    I don’t buy this “I’m old” excuse.

    Some of those seniors are pretty tricky…you gotta WATCH ’em.


    Gee, how could I forget Senior Discounts?

    Pisses me off. We have to pay slightly MORE, so that others can pay slightly LESS. Just because they happened to be born a bit earlier.

    Now, if we’re talking about someone who lived through the Depression, or fought in a war, I have no problems with given them 50% off. They EARNED it.

    But what about anyone born after 1945? They didn’t necessarily work any harder than we did. But they benefitted from the cheapest houses, best jobs, best pensions, and it was their generation that drove our country into debt.

    If anything, THEY should be giving US discounts.

    (*ends rant*)


    Yeah, but there’s a fine line, between speaking one’s mind, and just being a total A-hole.

    I’ve met some seniors, where the things they say borders on outright racism. And nobody calls them on it, because they’re “OLD”.

    Or how about just being MEAN? One old fart told me that I wouldn’t live to see my pension, because I have a weight problem, and that I’m going to have heart attack and die like my dad did.

    And this wasn’t because he “didn’t know”. He kept repeatedly bringing up the subject, and wouldn’t let it go.

    He was deliberately being a bully, because he knew he was “OLD”, and I wouldn’t tell him to Eff-off.

    Maybe next time, I SHOULD… 🙂

  23. hannah78 Says:

    How about non-stop complaining about every little thing? Lots of old people love to do that!

  24. Davina Says:

    One can get a rush from complaining. Ever notice how some people WANT to complain? If you offer them a solution to their problem, their reaction is usually pretty lukewarm. A tell-tale sign… maybe complaining for the elderly raises their Gray-Head™ Endorphins.

  25. Friar Says:


    As an added touch to the complaining, tell everyone how much better things were in your day…

    Those Gray-Head™ Endorphins are quite powerful. Each time they’re injected into the bloodstream, it extends one’s life by a few minutes.

    And those old people need all the help they can get.

  26. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I am tired, pissed off and stressed out. This working for a living sucks!

    The only thing I have to add is that Brett and the gang used to call me “old man” in university.

    I’m too tired, pissed off and stressed out because I am working for a living to tell you why. I’ll let Brett explain.


  27. Friar Says:


    Brett’s coming over for Beerz within the hour. I’ll get the inside scoop.

    PS. Do you wanna come work at the Factory?

  28. aliastaken Says:

    I can’t wait to be a big-mouthed old lady. One day the world will have to put up with my opinions, like it or not. So long bossy bitch label, hello wise old lady- can’t wait.

  29. Friar Says:


    For old ladies, the acceptance of their opinions and their perceived wisdom is in indirect proportion to the body mass.

    Meaning, it helps to appear as small and frail as possible.

    Once you shrivel down to 95 lbs, everyone will think you’re as wise as Grandma Moses.

    They acceptance of your opinions and the perceived ‘ll tolerate your opinions more, and you’ll look more wise, if you shrivel down to 98 lbs.

    I know someone like this. Her opinions

  30. Friar — I think is my visit to your site, but it was fun. I copied your list because I only have eight more years before I can do ALL these things with impunity:~)

    I already have some old fogie cuss words since I grew up in the deep south and we were not allowed to say certain words, but found ways around it. So, I grew up saying instead Sh*t,”Oh, Sugar Honey in Tea” and instead of G***D, “Gosh darn it.”

    My boyfriend is sixty and so he’s got even fewer years. Actually, I think being 65 has one advantage for him — he gets to play at 1/2 price at his favorite golf course. I’m not sure he try the clothes idea…at least not yet:~)

  31. Friar Says:


    In the Deep South, I thought the worst thing the ladies said was “My! My” and “Well, I do Declay-uh!”. 😉

    Your boyfriend is still young. Wait another 5 years, and he’ll start wearing that colorful golf apparel.

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