Things I Look Forward to Doing When I Get Old
Drive Less Than the Speed Limit
And not one iota faster. If the other drivers don’t like it, tough. I’ll have paid my taxes, I’ll use this road and drive any speed I want, God-dammit.a
Forget How to Park
Goes hand-in-hand with the above.
Cut in Line at Fast-Food Restaurants.
There is an art to this. The secret is to wander up front to the counter, while doddering and looking just confused enough that people feel sorry for you. Then all of the sudden, you regain your mental faculties, and place your order ahead of everyone. (HAH! Suckers…!)
This can apply to any line, actually.
Wear Abominable Golf Clothes
I already have my wardrobe picked out for the Back Nine. Lime-green pants with white belt, cinched up under my arm-pits. Chartreuse golf shirt, black socks and white sandals.
Not to mention the big white hat with matching lime-green pom-pom. Golfing is optional.
Learn Senior Profanity
As a Senior, the F-bomb just won’t cut it anymore. Now I’ll be encouraged (nay, expected) to use profanity only the over-80 crowd can get away with. I can’t wait to use curse-words like “Land Sakes”, “My Word”, and “Consarn it”. And let’s not forget the timeless classic: “Jumping Jehoshaphat”.
Pay with Exact Change
Apparently, it’s against the law for Seniors to break bills as long as they possess coins. But the bonus is that they get to watch the young people get all flustered and annoyed, while they fish for exact change from their patented Gray-Head™ Change-Purse. I can just imagine the entertainment I’ll get holding up the line (which I’ll have already cut into in the first place).
Shop only at Lunch and at 5:00 PM
Never mind that I’ll be retired and can shop anytime I want. No, I’m gonna fun and mess with the young folks some more, and I’ll coincide my errands with their lunch break and when they just get off work. All while cutting in line and paying with exact change, of course.
Be Opinionated as Hell with Impunity.
I learned this from my Dad. After he turned 65, his attitude was: “If people don’t like what I say, they can go to Hell. It’s their problem, not mine.”
It’s true. When you’re that old, you can say politically incorrect things that would have otherwise gotten you punched out if you were 25. But now, people will just accept it and sigh: “Well, he’s OLD…”
65 is when it starts. And the older you get, the more you can get away with.a
Fear and Loathe the New Technology
Sometime, 30 years from now, there will be the next newest gizmo, the equivalent of the latest i-Phone or Guitar-Hero. It will be really easy to operate, maybe requiring you to press just two buttons.
And I won’t be able to use it, because I can’t learn how. (Or won’t learn how).
I’m only 45, but already, they’re starting to annoy me.
That’s how it all begins, I suppose…