Ramblings of a Cynical Bachelor: Top Reaons Why I’m still Single.

Wish I had a nickel every time someone (usually a married woman) tells me:

“It’s about time you settled down and found a woman!   Why are you still single?”

(Yes, JOIN us, Friar.   You can’t possibly be happy, being alone?   Become assimilated!  Be ONE with the Collective!)

Well, there are plenty of good reasons why I’m still single, and I get tired of explaining my situation to all the breeding-couples.

So, in the interest of simplifying things, I’ll just list them there.

**************************************************

1. Standing There and Breathing
This is all any woman who’s even remotely attractive has to do, and guys will flock to her in droves.   And they’ll keep hitting on her until she eventually agrees to date one of them.

Therefore, the changes of any remotely-attractive women being available are extremely slim.
a

2. The Impossible Window of Opportunity
There’s often an extremely short time between someone getting over their break-up, and starting up a serious relationship again.   It’s sometimes measured in nanoseconds.

Though typically, the interval might be as long as a couple of months, where I could conceivably ask that someone out before they’re taken again.

But God forbid, if I miss that window by even a few weeks, I’m S.O.L.
a

3.  Reverse Attraction
Okay..say the stars are aligned, and I do manage to hit that rare time when I can can ask someone out…

Well, she’d still have to like me enough to say “Yes”.

(And that, my friends, is whole other ball-game.)
a

4. Pete Rose
The only available women I’ve been introduced to look like him.

(Look, I’m not so shallow that I’ll only go out with a Silicone Barbie Doll).

But is it too much to ask that a potential date NOT be mistaken for a DUDE?
a

5. Red Meat
I like it too much to give up, which only reduces my odds of finding someone.

Because now I’m incompatible with a significant portion of the planet who are plant-eaters.
a

6.  Kitty-Cats
Single women tend to have them.   But I’m horribly, horribly allergic.   Thus further reducing my odds.

Thanks, Kitty.

a

7. Caveat Emptor
At my age (40-something),  someone has typically been on the market for 20 years.

So it makes me ask, if someone is still available after all that time..WHY?

Now, before everyone screams at me, yes, I realize this also applies to myself!   (But that doesn’t help the situation, it only makes it more difficult. )

It’s like that great house down the street for sale, that nobody wants to buy.

Because there’s probably an ancient Indian burial ground in the basement, or something.
a

8.  Céline Dion
Too many women love this caterwauling diva, and chances are I’ll meet one of them.

And when she starts playing one of Céline’s CD’s,  I’ll forget to bite my tongue and I’ll say what I really think.

And it will be game over.
a

9,  Oprah
See Céline.

a

10.  Instant Dad
(Or, if you live where I do,  Instant Grand-Dad).

Call me a heretic, but not all of us are exactly thrilled at the prospect of going from zero to sixty, in five seconds.

Of course, all kinds of people tell me it’s not that bad, marrying into a family with grown kids.

But I can’t help but notice, they’re the ones who’ve already had the kids in the first place.
a

11.  Toilet Seats
Up or down, I don’t care.   I always check before I sit, and I have no pity for people who fall in, who don’t.

And this alone, for many women, is justifiable homicide.
a

12. Deadbeat Dads
Seriously, once I had someone bring this up within the first 5 minutes of conversation.  She went on about how her no-good ex husband was behind on child-support payments.

(Lady, if  you were  trying to make me run for the hills, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!)

Look, I’m just trying to get to know you.   I’m not quite ready to help pay for your teenagers’ college tuition.
a

12. Screaming Free-Range Hippie Children
Lots of people I know have them.    All I have to do is visit for a weekend, and its’ like an inoculation.

I’m then immunized, and want nothing to do with pair-bonding and reproducing for the next 6 months.

(And I’m thankful for that).
a

13.  SpongeBob Square Pants
I like to watch him.  But if was in a relationship, I’d probably get in shit for it, for being immature.

Then I’d be forced to watch something lame-ass like “So you think you can Yoga”.

And then I’d have to gouge my eyes out.
a

14.  The Granola-Mother Anti-Friar Sisterhood Movement
Who will no doubt be brandishing pitchforks and torches after reading this post.

Not to mention, warning the entire female population to stay away the hell away from me.

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77 Comments on “Ramblings of a Cynical Bachelor: Top Reaons Why I’m still Single.”

  1. Brett Legree Says:

    You don’t need a woman Friar, you need a hooker.

    (Yes, I realize a hooker is likely to be a woman.)

    It would avoid all of these problems, and if you grew tired of the one you had, just rent a different one…

    🙂

  2. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    I can always move to Nevada….it’s legal in some of the counties there!

  3. tali2 Says:

    omg, this is the most hilarious thing i’ve read all night. i’m not even close to 40, so i have no advice to give you, but i just wanna say keep writing, because that was just awesome. i’m sure there’s plenty of women out there who like writing, so maybe you need to meet a woman who not only doesn’t look like a dude but also appreciates good writing. and by the way, if you told her you hate celine, she might not mind. It’s been done to me, and all i’ve said is, “aww too bad” and kept on playing my CDs. 😀

  4. Friar Says:

    @tali2

    I agree..the first step is to find a woman who doesn’t look like a dude.

    Anything after that, is gravy! 🙂

    And I’m glad to see some women like you are not too sensitive about Celine. (There’s hope for me yet!)

  5. Davina Says:

    You should leave your front door unlocked more often Friar. You never know who might stumble in next time. The right woman wouldn’t care about the whole red meat, toilet seat or SpongeBob lifestyle. As for Celine… ew.

    If you lived closer I’d at least say yes to coffee. If we didn’t hit it off we could always tweet one another from separate rooms 🙂 The single life does have it’s pluses though, I have to admit — I’m very possessive of my chocolate bars.

  6. BourbonBird Says:

    Bahaha, wow. My first time here (Hi!) and I had to chuckle – not too long ago, I was the single mother who behaved not unlike a cat in a bath when it came to dating referrals and dating in general. There are some decent eggs out there, if you’re actually looking. Unfortunately, they’re hiding out from all the people you are trying to avoid yourself.

    Trust that I’d ask for a mercy punt in the you-know-where if I ever find myself enjoying Celine and/or Oprah. No thank you.

  7. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    Well, not saying women won’t tolerate red meat, SpongeBob and Toilets.

    But say say 80% are meatatarians. 80% tolerate SpongeBob, ad 80% tolerate the toilet seat.

    The odds of all three happening are:

    80% X 80% * 80% = 51.2%.

    Thus reducing my chances by half.

    And God knows how many other “hidden” factors there are.

    By the way, I’d never steal anyone chocolate, I’d be too busy hoarding my own.

    @Bourbonbird

    Hahaha. Welcome to the Deep Friar. I’m glad to see you haven’t been scared off.

    I can imagine all the loser-males there are out there, for a woman trying to find a mate. That could be a whole other blog post itself.

    Only, since I’m not actually interested in dating guys, it’ll be unlikely that I’ll write it.(Though I suspect one of my blogging friends might.)

    Mercy. Glad to see you’re Oprahless and don’t like Celine. Do you feel the same way about Cirque de Soleil, by any chance?

  8. bandobras Says:

    Your reasons are so complex. Mine are straight from Groucho.
    I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with a women who would have anything to do with a guy like me.

  9. Kyddryn Says:

    It’s not much different for women. First they want to know when you’re going to lose weight, fix your hair, put on some makeup and make an effort. Then they want to know when you’re going to get serious. Then they want to know when you’re going to marry. Then they want to know when you’re going to have a baby. Then another kid. Then another. What the Hell? Why can’t we just be happy in our lives? What’s so difficult to understand?

    Not everyone wants to become shackled to some stereotypical dream life, spawn, and die. Some salmon don’t WANT to swim upstream!

    Meanwhile…a kid comes in handy for watching Spongebob because you can always say you WANTED to watch the program on turning cigar boxes into bookshelves, but the kid insisted on watching the yellow dude.

    You should come visit Redneck Central some time – red meat is a food group down here (which would help explain my fifty-acre ass), almost a religion.

    Numbers eight and nine? I’d tell you how I feel about them, but then I’d have to clean up the mess. I’ll settle for a simple “bleh”.

    I really don’t understand why people are so driven to match their friends up. What’s wrong with having friends with benefits? Seriously? Or simply choosing to visit the occasional brothel (in Nevada, it’s legal and the working men and women have to pass health screenings on a regular basis – sensible way to go about it, in my admittedly peculiar opinion)(also, I think it must be cheaper than dating – have you seen the price of a movie these days??)?

    Cheers for the laugh, sugar.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who does not live in Nevada, nor does she work for the Nevada Brothel Advertising Counsel)(But thinks it would be fun to write those ads!)

  10. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    You silly silly man. A guy who is willing to be seen with his stuffed bear can’t be all bad.

    1. I don’t know if you realize how difficult it is being Remotely Attractive. (Or exotic-looking. I get that a lot.) Waiting for The Right Guy while all the crazy ones hit in you is tiring, not to mention disappointing because Right Guy seems to have given up too easily. It’s no wonder we turn to our bag of Cheesy Poofs and gain acres of ass.

    2. OK, I’ll give you that one. But what do you want with a woman who is afraid to be alone (a.k.a., without a guy, any guy) for ten minutes?

    3. Ha. You know, you’re an intelligent guy. But you don’t give yourself enough credit.

    4. 😛

    5. ::headdesk::

    From a meatarian.

    6. Do you know how hard it is to have a dog in an apartment? Especially when you like BIG dogs?

    7. I think in your case that’s understandable. You got a PhD and you didn’t want kids. That last part can be a deal breaker. But I knew a guy once who hadn’t ever had a relationship lasting longer than nine months. Now that’s a problem.

    8. ::snicker::

    9. See 8.

    10. Hahahahahahaha! 😀 The family is with grown kids is good because the kids are long gone. Other than that, it’s just like any other family. Some of the relatives are cool, some aren’t, and some you wish wouldn’t ever show up for Thanksgiving dinner, but they do anyway. Think of them as in-laws.

    11. You deserve to die if you leave it up in the middle of the night. Any other time, it’s within plain view.

    12. Talking about the exes can apply in reverse, too. 😕

    13. I watched cartoons with my kids. I don’t see how watching with you would be any different.

    ::shrug::

    14. Are you sure you don’t have a persecution complex? :eyebrow:

    Too bad about the cats.

    Mer

  11. Mer Says:

    So much for my attempt at smilie code…

  12. Wendi Kelly Says:

    Friar dear,

    The only problem you really have is that you live in the middle of hixsville, population 10.

    There ARE those of us intelligent women out here( I swear I can’t be the only one) who can appreciate your wonderful sense of humor, your amazing intelligence, who don’t give a rat’s ass about Oprah or Celine, who love dogs and are also allergic to cats, who eat their steak almost rare and think veggies are a side dish,who don’t believe that the X’s belong in ANY interesting conversation and don’t feel the need in our 40’s to turn every conversation into a reason to fawn over the youngsters.Some of us have even passed the “looks like a woman and doesn’t need to do it in the dark” test.

    Cheer up…I don’t think its hopeless. Maybe you just need to have Ms Right imported. 🙂

  13. Friar Says:

    @Bandobras

    I tend to agree with Groucho. But if I wrote that, it would make for a very short post.

    @Army Wife

    Thanks. I strive to do my best! 🙂

    @Kyddryn

    I like the sound of that Redneck Central. Something tells me, I’d fit right in.

    As for Nevada…the older I get, the more appealing that idea seems to me.

    Though I doubt I’ll ever act on those urges. Too much left-over Catholic Guilt from my childhood.

    @Mer

    I wish I had that problem, of being asked out. Even if most of them were duds, at least I’d always have that potential to meet someone.

    From a guy’s point of view, it’s not easy, screwing up your courage and asking. Risking rejection, again and again. While the lady gets to pick and chose her suitors, at her leisure.

    If someone tells me “No”, it means “No”, and I usually never bother them again.

    But then, I hear stories of married couples, where the guy asked the woman out MULTIPLE times, before she finally succumbed and said “yes”.

    So which is it? Yes, or no? How many times are we supposed to ask?

    No wonder guys give up.

    That’s when we retreat to our living room, eat our Cheesy Poofs.

    Except we gain acres on our beer gut, not our arse. 🙂

    @Wendi

    Well, there’s always Claire Chaffington, but she falls into category #4.

    Perhaps I set my sights too high.

    Maybe if my date looked like a dude, as long as she was better-looking than Pete Rose.

    (Shame on me, I oughta send myself to my room for saying things like that). 😉

    @Mer (again).

    Regardign #14. No, I dont’ have a persecution complex. But I was just preparing for some vitriolic comments from the Oprah-Vegans (as happened last time I wrote a post about attracting the opposite sex).

    But then again, maybe I scared the Sisterhood off long ago. Seems I’m back to regular, normal commenters.

  14. Kyddryn Says:

    Oooh, leftover Catholic guilt is great with fried potatoes!

    You’re far too intelligent to be happy living in Redneck Central, sugar…I suggest a winter cottage for brief stays, and a fast getaway car.

    Guys aren’t the only ones who face rejection. I never dated until I met my ex. No one asked, and the few times I managed to lock my cowardice and pride in the closet and ask a fella to a movie or whatever…they couldn’t get away fast enough. And I’m not even tragically disfigured, just plain.

    I did a point-by-point response to this post, by the way…but the Internet ate it. Sniff.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who is NOT normal and resents the implication…)

  15. Davina Says:

    “From a guy’s point of view, it’s not easy, screwing up your courage and asking. Risking rejection, again and again. While the lady gets to pick and chose her suitors, at her leisure.”

    Arggghh!!! How does the lady have ANY suitors IF the guys are too (without a pair) to ask? 😛 What a cosmic joke… I’m tellin ya… See… THAT’S why I’M still single! The last TWO relationships I was in I asked THEM out.

    Maybe you can find a cute librarian in Splat Creek? Too bad the students in your art class are seniors…

  16. Davina Says:

    PS… dating is like social media… you’ve gotta risk a LOT of NOs to get a few YES’s… Maybe start studying up on Social Media techniques 😉

  17. BourbonBird Says:

    Friar, I resent the agility and flexibility of those who are in the Cirque de Soleil, and I’m pretty sure that their shows live would induce an epileptic fit despite my not having any prior epileptiform. I do not clap my hands with a tear in my eye like a retarded trained seal at it, if that’s what you’re asking.

  18. XUP Says:

    The thing about the toilet seat, for me is that not only the seat, but also the lid needs to be kept down. There’s a reason those things have lids. When you flush all the bacteria and stuff in the toilet gets sprayed around the bathroom onto your toothbrush, hair brush, towels, facecloths, soap, you, etc., etc.

    But anyway, I’m looking forward to the day when you finally meet your match.

  19. Hannah Says:

    Not all women like Oprah and Céline Dion. I could probably name a bunch of ladies who can’t stand either of them (myself included)

  20. Friar Says:

    @Kyddryn
    Where I live is somewhat related to Redneck Central (though not quite as extreme as down South).

    Lotta baseball-cap wearing, ATV-driving, walleye-fishin, deer-huntin’ locals.

    Have you seen Jeff Daniels movie “Escanaba under da Moon?”. It’s about a bunch of yahoo hunters in a deer camp, in the Upper Peninsula.

    It’s a lot like here, except we’re in Ontario, and not the U.P.

    @Davina
    Not like we don’t have a pair. Just that we get tired of being turned down, and after a while, we just dont’ bother any more.

    Though I don’t have to worry about that much anymore. Because where I am right now, in my immediate acquaintances, there are mabye TWO I’d consider asking out.

    And they’re both in serious relationships. (So, end of problem).

    @Bourbonbird
    I’m relieved to hear that. Because seems a lot of women like the Cirque. Including several regular commenters to my blog. (We’ve had more than a few debates over that!)

    Despite their atheltic prowess, the Cirque creeps me out. I’m not against Gays, but I find the in-your-face homo-eroticism a bit hard to take. And if you combine this with the ever-present Evil Clown theme…(Shudder!) 😦

    Why can’t they just act like NORMAL clowns and acrobats (i.e. not dance around half naked), like Barnum and Baileys?

    @XUP
    It’s true, I hear toilet water gets into aerosol form and gets everwhere.

    But whattya gonna do? I’m a bit of a germophobe myself, but for some reason, this example dosent’ really bother me.

    Guess you don’t like it when dogs drink out of the bowl, eh? (Especially if they’re the affectionate, slobbery kind!) 🙂

    @Hannah
    I’m suprised at how many commenters here agree with me, regarding Céline and Oprah.

    But then again, The Deep Friar is not the blog that Céline or Oprah fans would typically read. 😉

  21. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    If I used Social Media techniques, I’d bombard 50,000 ladies with emails, asking them to pay me $5000 to go on a date with them.

    But, if they acted NOW, there’s a discount, and it would only cost them $1277.

    And I’d sit around, and EXPECT people to answer.

  22. XUP Says:

    Friar. Dude. I’m counting at least 3 or 4 single-sounding available women in these comments who are sending you not so subtle hints that they’d totally be thrilled to go out with you. I don’t know where any of them live, but surely geography isn’t insurmountable in this modern jet age? Go make friends.

  23. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I think you should ask JHJ out.

    Eyeteaguy

    Go ahead, moderate me mother father…..

  24. Davina Says:

    @XUP Oooh you’re good! The thing is… I’ve found that as soon as a woman drops any kinda hint… that’s usually cause for the man to head for the hills. A girl just can’t win. The way the sexes are “programmed” it’s a wonder anyone ever gets together.

    @Friar dear, you wouldn’t have to pay me a damn cent. At any rate, one day it will happen for you. Any woman who turns you down is a fool. Maybe you should start handing out cards with your blog url on them — The Deep Friar calling card. You’ve got great online charisma… maybe that’ll hook the fish and then you can reel em in. Eh?

  25. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I’ve met Friar, the reason he doesn’t meet women is that he insists on wearing fish entrails around his neck as a good luck charm to ward off evil spirits and appease the fishing gods.

    Brett and I can stand it but only if standing upwind….and drunk…..and with a bad head cold.

    Eyeteaguy

  26. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    Well, Gee whiz.

    Flying across the country for a first date..that’s a little beyond my budget.

    I had a very long-distance relationship once…in another hemisphere.

    Hopefully, my next girlfriend is within my time zone!

    @Eyeteaguy

    No…YOU should! 🙂

    @Davina
    Yes, but they say, with just written communication, typically only 7% of the written communication comes through.

    Which, I guess, could be a good thing, or a BAD thing, depending on how you slice it! 😉

    @Eyeteaguy
    Hey, I change the fish entrails at least once a week, whether they need it or not.

    If someone can’t accept me and my entrails as I am, well, then I want no part of it.

  27. Mer Says:

    @ K

    who is NOT normal and resents the implication

    Agreed. 🙂

    @XUP

    About the toilet set, yeah. I keep my toothbrush well hidden to avoid issues with that.

    Ick.

    @ Bourbonbird

    Have never seen Cirque. Does that mean I’m an uncultured lout? 😉

    @ Friar

    There is no such thing as a good clown. Clowns are creepy.

    ::shudder::

    Going back to Brett’s statement, do you want sex or a relationship? ‘Cause if you want the former, it’s easy enough to come by. But a good relationship isn’t. I know I’m being all Mom-like, but don’t sell yourself short. You deserve better. (You could be a liiiiiiitle more flexible, though.)

    Mer

  28. Friar Says:

    @Mer

    Well, obviously. When I write posts like this, my tongue is firmly inserted in-cheek. 😉

    As for talking about my sex life on my blog…(LaLaLa!…I can’t hear you…LaLaLa!)

    Because I know Friar’s Mom is probably lurking and reading this, as we speak. 😉

  29. BourbonBird Says:

    Hardly uncultured from what I’ve been able to scan at this point. Having said that, louts are alright!

    Cirque was thrown at me after a dear friend was shipped off suddenly to KL to be their head AV tech, so my introduction was accidental.

    I know many a female commitment-phobe, secondary to men displaying the same (?un)reasonable points you’ve mentioned. They’re strong, independent, and attractive on a wholistic level but ultimately can’t be bothered with the mindf*ck. Also, there are those men with mother issues…

  30. Amy Says:

    *waves to Friar’s mom, the runs away FAST*

  31. Friar Says:

    @BourbonBird

    How about that Cirque owner, who paid $35 million to fly aboard the Russian Space Station? He put red-clown noses on the cosmonauts.

    That alone speaks volumes, for how douchey the Cirque is.

    (Too bad, they didn’t punch him out!)

    As for Mother Issues. I’ve seen them both..Mommy’s Boys, and Mommy’s Girls. Dated a Mommy’s Girl, once. …it’s like going out with two people. 😦

  32. Mer Says:

    I know Friar’s Mom is probably lurking and reading this

    Hee! 😀

    I was wondering about that.

    BTW, instead of comments, I keep getting these messages called “The Deep Friar: subscribe to comments.” Do you think there’s any way to fix that? I’ve tried.

    Mer

  33. BourbonBird Says:

    Agreed x2!

    Oh cut the cord already, people.

  34. Mer Says:

    ::giggles at Amy::

    :mrgreen:

    Mer

  35. Brett Legree Says:

    I know two single women at work who are sending out *major* signals, to anyone who’s listening.

    (I’m married, so I’m not listening.)

    One has no children, the other has adult children.

    Both of them are attractive.

    I’m sure there are more…

  36. Friar Says:

    @Mer

    Sorry, I have no idea how to fix it. I just write blogs, I have no idea how WordPress works (???)

    Maybe if Eyeteaguy or Brett show up, they can suggest something.

  37. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Wow…and they DON’T look like Pete Rose?

  38. XUP Says:

    Okay, if all your commenters are too far away, how about those women Brett mentioned? My theory is that anyone who wants to be in a relationship, IS in a relationship. If you’re still single — especially when you’re hitting the late 30s and beyond, it’s because you WANT to be single whether you know it or not. Because the only way to find a partner is to open yourself up to the experience, without expectations or preconceived notions. You don’t find a partner by starting out with a list of must haves and must not haves. (Yes, I know, I know you were “mostly” joking around here…I’m just sayin’)

  39. Mer Says:

    two single women at work who are sending out *major* signals

    And they’re attractive. Wow, Friar. You didn’t notice? Maybe the fume from the entrails are getting to you?

    Mer

    P.S. Thanks for the WordPress disclaimer. 🙂 I can try to make it work properly again when I get too annoyed by not being able to read actual comments. (I’ll probably have to unsubscribe and resubscribe to your blog. That’s my uneducated guess, anyway.)

  40. Mer Says:

    * Fumes, dammit, fumes. Plural fume.

  41. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    “You don’t find a partner by starting out with a list of must haves and must not haves.”

    Well, Duh.

    Next time, I’ll just write that I’m looking for a nice, honest person, who’s beautiful inside and I’ll accept her for who she is. And that I hope she feels the same way about me.

    But that wouldn’t have made for very interesting blog post, would it?

  42. Friar Says:

    @Mer

    The Factory’s a huge place, with over several thousand employees. So it’s quite possible I rarely (if ever) have come across these fuming ladies.

  43. Karen JL Says:

    Oh, just get yourself a sock full of warm relish and call it a day.

  44. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    OOOH, that’s NASTY!!!!! 😀

  45. Captain Push Says:

    Make your mother close her eyes for this one Friar.

    How about Too drunk to ahem…

    God I have the dirt on you buddy. But I’d never out you. Oh hell. I guess I will because this is also an act of love. You’ll never do THAT again.

    She was beautiful and you turned her down. I think she committed suicide.

    You should have gone for it.

    Just kidding buddy. I know she’s alive but living as a lesbian.

    But we still love you Friar.

  46. steph Says:

    Oh, shit. This was HILARIOUS!

    If I had to put in one word why I thought you were single, I’d have said FREEDOM. You like it. And you’re set in your ways. If you want a woman, you have to find one who totally respects your need to gallivant far and wide (who might even love to go with you as well and have FUN and who might bring her own bear along) or your appreciation of silence after work in a boat on the lake for a few hours. Just you and the fish. She can ask you how your day was and tell you to take you the trash…later. She must be aware of the nutritional value of burgers, fries, and doughnuts, but especially of junk cereal that’s part of a nutritious breakfast. In fact, her fave cereal is Froot Loops.

    And that’s just to start.

  47. Kyddryn Says:

    Poor Friar…being put upon this way…

    But really, so picky…in the same hemisphere? Tch…asking a bit much aren’t you?

    Say, did you know Cirque now has a show with horses?? Yep…they’re in Atlanta right now. I’m a girl…I like horses…but I’m not going. Too expensive and the incomprehensible clowns don’t amuse me. I am wondering, though, what the horses do – they aren’t really known for being bendy creatures, and I’m not sure how well they could walk a high-wire or do an aerial act…although the mental picture amuses me. Imagine the size of the trampoline…

    Oddly, I once had a prolonged daydream about being a vocalist for the Cirque. I can sing gibberish as well as, and sometimes better than, the next person. I may have too much time on my hands.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who has never heard of the movie you mentioned, but plans on looking it up)

  48. Friar Says:

    @Captain

    Well (as much as this might shock everyone), yes, there ARE times, when SOME guys might actually turn DOWN sex…if it doesn’t feel right.

    And who knows what could have happened if things went the other way?

    Maybe I’d have ended up at the Asbestos Plant in Butt-Scrape, Nevada, with half my salary going to child support. 🙂

  49. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    I think you hit the nail right on the head..I like my freedom.

    It’s taken me a good part of 45 years, to finally start knowing myself and know what’s really important to me.

    And, I’m FINALLY at a point where my finances are okay, and I have a job in a location where I can enjoy some of those those things I’ve been yearning to do since I was in my 20’s.

    I’ve paid my dues…I want to start enjoying some of that before I start spending my weekends driving my girlfriends’ Little Timmy to soccer tournaments all across Ontario.

    Now…if there DID exist someone like you just described…that could be another story. 😉

    @Kyddryn

    There are times, when I’d be happy enough if it was the same PLANET.

    As for horses in the Cirque. Really?

    I thought one of the selling points of their whole act, was to exclusively use humans…so that no animals were exploited for our amusement.

    I guess times change. What’s next? …Trained Chimps dressed in leotards, prancing across the stage while screeching to new-age music?

  50. Kyddryn Says:

    Well…I wouldn’t wear a leotard (it would be inhumane to subject an audeince to that…even a blind audience), and I am slightly less hirsute than a chimp…and I would like to think what I do is something less like a screech and more…er…musical…

    🙂

    I was surprised to learn of the horses, too…because part of their draw WAS the lack of animal exploitation. Perhaps the horses signed waivers.

    I find it admirable that you know yourself well enough to know what you want…and don’t…out of your life, with or without someone else in it. I know people well past your (not terribly advanced) years who haven’t worked all that out yet.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  51. seestor Says:

    Brother Fry … perhaps if you wear a portable fume hood on your head, the entrail smell won’t scare the women away.

    I could build you one out of used stuff I have in the basement and garage. I’d do that for you, you’re my brother!

  52. Friar Says:

    @kyddryn

    I don’t have the best singing voice in the world, but I can at least guarantee that I’m better than an angry, screeching chimp going “AEEECK AEEECK! AEECK!”

    And as for Life, I feel I’m just STARTING to know what’s going on.

    Give it another 30 years, I might almost have my act together.

    @Seestor
    I don’t want something made from recyled used stuff. Especially since the “fecal water” incident in your basement from last year.

    I’d rather go to Beaver Lumber and buy brand-new material to make my fume-hood.

  53. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    I’ve been too busy to read your latest Blog. Besides I heard all your cynical ramblings before. I was just curious to see how many Comments you received. Wow, 53! Does that make me a lurker?

    Will this post attain the 100 mark?

    p.s. Those of you who are interested in my progress since June, I’m happy to say I’m doing well. I attended my first ever Spinning Class on Monday. What a reality check!! My work is cut out for me to rebuilt my muscles and cardio fitness. I aim to go three times a week. Long brisk walks and housework just doesn’t cut it.

  54. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    Seems Eyeteaguy has left the building, so I don’t expect I’ll reach the magic 100 mark.

    As for your spinning. That’s great, considering you were still using a walker to hobble around just 3 months ago. I’m sure you’ll get your ski legs back in no time.

    But if you’re still not 100% by February, that’s not the end of the world. At least it means I might actually have a chance of keeeping up with you on the slopes, for a change.

  55. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I’m still here. Just monitoring your progress, when I notice the tide ebbing I’ll jump in again.

    I need the money from Friar now that I am going to quit my day job.

    Anyone one need a good IT guy?

    Eyeunemployedguy

  56. Davina Says:

    @Karen… “a sock full of warm relish” — ewww… I may never eat another hot dog as long as I live.

    @Friar’s mom…Sounds like excellent progress to me. That reality check… just raised your bar another notch (which you will clear by a mile)… look out world, here she comes!

  57. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    You finally following that advice from those bloggers out there, who tell you to follow your dreams and quit your day job?

    Good plan. I hear the food service industry is hiring.

    Or, perhaps we can team up write a blog together, so I dont’ have to pay you.

    I can just see it now: “Dudes with ‘Tudes.”

    @Davina

    Depends on what kind of relish. There are so many varieties out there.

    Anyway, regardless, after her last comment, I officially approve of Karen as having said “Friar’s Best Quote of the Week”.

  58. David Says:

    Three words for you: Mail Order Bride!

    Problem solved.

  59. bschooled Says:

    Haha! This is a great post!

    I feel sorry for some of these women you’ve met. I mean, it’s bad enough that Pete Rose looks like Pete Rose…

  60. Mer Says:

    Oh, just get yourself a sock full of warm relish and call it a day

    ROFLMAO!

    Karen…

    ::pauses between gasps::

    I hate relish and Friar was right, that was nasty. But YOU RULE! 😀

    @ Friar’s Mom

    I’m glad to hear you’re doing so much better. That’s excellent news! :mrgreen:

    @ Friar

    You might want to get your hood here. Looks like it comes in a variety of sizes and colors. 😉

    Mer

  61. Cath Lawson Says:

    LMAO Friar – When you put it like that, I can see how difficult it must be. Honestly tho – there’s no rush. I wish I hadn’t got married the first time. The next time I waited ’til I was 37.

    I never thought about the cat allergy thing. My son is allergic to cats and dogs, so hopefully that will stop him from getting hitched to some skanky woman in his twenties.

  62. Friar Says:

    @David
    That actually is a much more appealing idea than the relish-sock.

    @bschooled
    Aw..c’mon. Pete Rose ain’t THAT homely! (At least, for a guy, that is).

    @Mer
    THanks for the link, but my sister has offered to make me one instead.

    @Cath
    LIbrarian-type of women have cats too. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). 🙂

    You’re right, though. I’ve seen enough bad relationships to be glad I’m taking my time and not rushing into things.

  63. steph Says:

    Okay, I think someone heard you, Friar. Today on the news I heard something about Oprah cancelling her daytime talk show?! I almost fell off my chair.

    Er – I am like the woman I described. Except I don’t eat meat, I guess. But the other points, just like me. And yes, Froot Loops is my fave junk cereal, esp. when we’re camping.

    At any rate, my point is, I’m sure I’m not the only one like me. She exists. You just have to be at the right place at hte right time. Maybe on the peak of the lookout trail or some mountain, or sharing a ski lift chair with you in BC, or in front of you in line at MacDonald’s cursing Greyheads under her breath…

  64. Friar Says:

    @Steph
    Yes, it’s a National Day of Mourning, Oprah is quitting.

    Now, how will all those poor housewives know which books to read, which celebreties to adore, and which politicians to vote for?

    If you’re like that women you described (not that I’m trying to flirt or anything) you sound like a good catch. But as is typically the case with Good Catches, you’re taken! As one gets older, the percentage of available Good Catches keeps diminishing…

    It woudnt’ be unthinkable to date a vegetarian..just so long as she’d let me pursue my own meatatarian lifestyle.

    Though I’ve met some that will freak out if so much as a drop of meat gravy touches their food.

    I don’t suspect those people would want to BBQ their eggplant right next to my burgers, or be willing to share the fridge where I keep cold-cuts and bacon.

  65. XUP Says:

    Oprah’s not dead – just not doing the show anymore. Don’t get too excited because I’m 100% sure she’ll find an even more insidious way of creeping into the minds of her devoted followers. Also, don’t stereotype vegetarians. They are as many different varieties as there are of people. I’ve worked places for years, eaten lunch with coworkers, gone out for lunches and suppers with them, even been to their homes for meals without them even noticing I’m vegetarian. I’m a ninja vegetarian.

  66. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    True…she might pull a “Leno” and we’ll still be stuck with her. 😦

    Ninja Vegetarian..hmmm.

    Now THERE’s a great title for a blog. Or an E-book if I ever heard one.

  67. XUP Says:

    There’s no “might” about it. That woman is not done. Not by a long shot. I’m thinking she has her eye on a political office. You heard it here first. She’s been schmoozing with the Obamas a lot and was very active in that campaign.

  68. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    Political office?

    Good Lord.

    This could be the beginning of the Apocalypse, as we know it.

  69. BourbonBird Says:

    Okay. This is where I arc up a bit. I only just heard that Oprah is quitting? Does this mean that her fans will take their flaming torches to The View and treat their clucking as gospel? Boo!!!!

  70. Friar Says:

    @BourbonBird

    I know…ain’t it AWFUL?

    Oprah, Oprah…why hast Thou forsaken us?

  71. Friar Says:

    @BourbonBird

    I didn’t think it was possible to dislike Oprah’s show any more.

    Until you showed me THAT… 😦

  72. patricia Says:

    @Friar’s Mother,
    I am so glad to hear that you are doing well and already attempting a spinning class. My 74 year old friend is just back to exercise after cancer surgery in May – those who exercise just seem to be doing better, faster and with more courage than those who do not. I hope you will enjoy your skiing this year.

    PS
    My oldest daughter is smart beautiful and amazing. Only one fellow has ever asked her out…she has asked out several. In her 30s she has decided freedom is better and she is looking into adoption if she would like to raise a child. I think the smart one’s like their independence and not following the pack. I just stopped asking her and now most of her friends have too….she has some pleasant replies that get her off the hook…Friar is lucky he can laugh at himself!

  73. Friar Says:

    @Patricia

    Oh, you PROUD Mom, you!


  74. […] The Deep Friar explains why being in a relationship might not make you happy – especially if you can’t stand Celine Dion, or you’re allergic to dogs: Ramblings of A Single Bachelor – Top Reasons Why I’m Single. […]

  75. svc Says:

    You have a great sense of humour. Love it all, especially the”Granola-Mother Anti-Friar Sisterhood Movement”.

    By the way, what is wrong with Free-Range Hippie Children. I am one of them, and I turned out OK, “I think”. Just kidding. So funny.


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