Superheroes I Feel Sorry For.

Superman

He’s got a high-maintenance girlfriend who always needs rescuing.   His friends are all morons, who are too stupid to realize Clark Kent is just Superman with glasses.

And what if he wants to get intimate with someone?   He’ll be faster than a speeding bullet, which is not necessarily a good thing.

(Not to mention, he’s liable to blow the poor woman’s head off.)
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Wonder Woman

She’s got that lesbian-bondage thing going on…

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  (After all, who are we to judge?)

But it can’t be easy for the poor woman, trying to find an open-minded partner willing to share in her non-conventional lifestyle.
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Green Arrow

An under-appreciated D-Lister.   Nobody knows what he does, except shoot arrows.

And he’s often mixed up with the Green Lantern (who actually does have legitimate kick-ass superpowers.)
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The Thing

I bet you he shits bricks.   I mean literally.

Which would be hell on all the toilets.
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Spider Woman

It’s a male-dominated Superhero’s world.

So no matter how hard she tries, no matter how good she is,  she’ll always be compared to SpiderMAN.
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Batman and Robin

Their Man-Boy relationship is somewhat questionable. (I mean…just how OLD is the Boy-Wonder?)

Sooner or later, someone’s going to say something, and the Caped Crusader might find himself with some serious legal issues.
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Wolverine

His 18-inch razor sharp claws tend to pop out of his knuckles at a moment’s notice.

He’s gotta be really careful with that, when going to the bathroom.
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Zan (half of the Wonder Twins)

Unlike his sister, who can take the shape of any animal, Zan can only take different forms of water.

Great.   What if a Super-Villain decided to be a dick, and just drank him and pissed him out?

(Shudder.)  I cannot think of much worse.
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Aquaman


Given that 99% of all crimes and disasters take place ABOVE water, he’s not exactly the most useful Super-Hero in the world.     Talking to fish can only get you so far…

He probably has to take a part-time job at Marine-World, to help make ends meet.
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Edwards Scissorhands

Okay, he’s not really a Super-hero.  But he does have unique mutant properties, so I’ll add him to the list.

And I really pity him.

At least Wolverine can retract his claws.

But how does this poor guy wipe HIS arse?

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22 Comments on “Superheroes I Feel Sorry For.”

  1. Karen JL Says:

    I just realized you are really, REALLY obsessed with other people going to the bathroom.

    (Could that Batman pic *be* more phallic? 😀 )

  2. Brett Legree Says:

    Friar is the secret creator of Doodieman. I knew it.

  3. Karen JL Says:

    Well there’s 3:38 minutes of my life wasted.

    (That’s as far as I got.)

  4. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    You JUST realized….? 😀

    @Brett
    That’s a REALLY shitty cartoon.

    I approve.

    @Karen
    Maybe you’d like to give that one a review on your blog, eh?

  5. Karen JL Says:

    It’s got “shitty student film” written all over it.

  6. Friar Says:

    Haha! Gee, d’you THINK? 😀

    Still, it’s better animation, and more work was put into it than Rocket Robin Hood, you gotta admit.

  7. Brett Legree Says:

    If you only got to 3:38, you missed the point of the cartoon… 🙂

    (No matter how shitty you think your life is, it could be worse, so be happy with what you have?)

  8. Karen JL Says:

    I’ll need some alcohol to get through that whole thing.

    Dear animator: It’s called “pacing”. Look it up.

  9. Linda Says:

    As for Wolverine and Edward Scissorhand…they wipe VEWY carefully.

  10. Friar Says:

    @Linda

    I guess it’s better than having flame-throwers for hands…

    Like the Human Torch.

  11. Brett Legree Says:

    @Karen JL,

    I didn’t have any problem with it. Then again, I need alcohol to get through my life anyway, so it was par for the course…

  12. Mer Says:

    @ Brett

    A crappy cartoon. (I only made it to 3:10.) First the guy’s lying on the bull’s eye, which I thought was an invitation for birds to crap on him, then he’s spewing poo while he flies.

    At least they got the physics right: Doodieman fell at the same rate as his poo.

    @ Karen

    Agreed with the pacing. And the general unpalatability of the ‘toon. 😯

    @ Linda

    I thought Wolverine and Edward found someone else to do that for them. At least Edward had help: Winona Rider. That had to be disturbing; it’s no wonder she robbed a department store.

    @ Friar

    Your obsessions are starting to getting the better of you. Therapy? Pleez?

    Mer, who hopes the HTML works

  13. Mer Says:

    So much for strikethrough…

  14. Friar Says:

    @brett

    I’d love to show that cartoon to my nephews. At Kindergarten and Grade 2, they’re just about the right age to fully appreciate that kind of humor.

    Bet you your kids would love it too. 😉

    @Mer

    If I did therapy, the poop obsession would be something like #141 on my list.

    I got too many other issues to take care of first… 😉

  15. Brett Legree Says:

    Yeah, they’ve seen it and it makes them laugh every time… for a while, when we had triplets in diapers, I felt like Doodieman’s sparring partner…

  16. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    If I showed Doodieman to any nieces of nephews, Ooooh, I’d get in such major shit!

    Once I got scolded for telling my niece that “Ace of Spades” in French was “As de Pique”. She was 12 at the time.

  17. David Says:

    Did my Edward Scissorhands tweet inspire your post? I’m so very flattered

  18. XUP Says:

    Re: Edward Scissorhands…it’s Johnny Depp. He doesn’t have to wipe his own arse.

  19. Karen Swim Says:

    Now when we call you potty mouth we can point to this post to prove it. 🙂 So you dis Wonder Woman but not a mention of Catwoman.

  20. Friar Says:

    @David
    Synnergy….I read enough blogs or tweets, that’s how I get my ideas.

    Maybe one of my posts will inspire you (if your readers aren’t too turned off by poopy-talk!)

    @XUP

    No, the Kracken does it for him.

  21. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Despite her outfit, I think Catwoman’s tastes are a little more “Vanilla” than Wonder Woman’s. She wouldn’t scare off as many potential suitors.

    But I’m not dissing WW, mind you.

    As I said before: NOT that there’s anything wrong with that. 😉

  22. tonisha Says:

    dis shizz is freakn hilarious!


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