The Advantages of Being Fat

Big strength often comes with big size.   You can open up jars of pickles and move heavy furniture without having to ask for help.

You hardly ever feel cold, so you’ll save on heating fuel in the winter.

Nobody enjoys a good steak or pizza like you do.   Nobody.

Thin people are rarely considered “cuddly”.

When you hug someone, you REALLY HUG them.

You don’t make insensitive comments about the physical appearance of others, because you know what that feels like from first-hand experience.

You really get your money’s worth at all-you-can-eat buffets.

Unlike the Silicone-Barbie-Dools or Bowflex Douchebags, you’ve actually had to develop a personality to attract the opposite sex.

Next time some skinny jerk pokes fun at you at the gym,  ask them how much they can bench press.   And then go lift double that.

Pretend to be clueless about about the health problems associated with obesity, and watch some Righteous Do-Gooder talk themselves blue in the face trying to “educate”  you.

You have enough reserves on you to survive a violent stomach flu that would put most people in the hospital.

No expensive search and rescue teams will ever have to risk their lives bringing you off Mt. Everest.

At least you’re not judged as harshly as smokers are (…yet).

You never suffer from food-martyrdom. (“Oooh, I shouldn’t have eaten the piece of chocolate!”)

Kids never have to worry about getting bruised by pelvic bones when they sit on your lap, like they do with Great-Aunt Edna.

If you’ve hooked up with hot babe or hot guy, there’s a good chance they truly like you for who you are.  (Unless you’re like rich or something).

You can eat what you want, when you want.  (Which is probably why you’ve gotten to where you are, in the first place).

You can write posts like this and get away with it.

After the Apocalypse, when civilization goes to hell in a handbasket, everyone else will starve to death, and you’ll inherit the Earth.

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137 Comments on “The Advantages of Being Fat”


  1. The advantages of being skinny:

    Your arms can actually wrap easily around trees.
    You can cling to and scale buildings like Spiderman. If you wanted to.
    You can ask other people to open your pickle jars and move your furniture.
    You have the biggest f’ckin’ parka to keep you warm this side of the polar ice cap.
    You get to eat what you want, as much as you want, all the time, just to keep your body temperature furnace burning steady
    Clothes always fit. Always.
    You’re a cheap date and get drunk on three beers.
    After the Apocalypse, while others are starving, you’ll survive on one berry and two nuts.

    The disadvantages of being skinny:

    Who the hell likes splinters in their arms or a dirty shirt?
    You probably don’t have the physical strength to scale the building you wanted to.
    People think you’re lazy because you ask them to move your furniture.
    That parka? Costs $600 and up. Not including shipping.
    Your body temperature resembles that of frogs in hibernation
    Shirt sleeves and pant legs are never long enough. Never.
    You can’t drink more than three beers without making a fool of yourself.
    If there are no berries and nuts to eat after the Apocalypse, you may have to consider eating other survivors. Yuck.

  2. Friar Says:

    @James

    Good rebuttal, showing both the pros and cons!

    I’ll have to disagree with you on the last one, though. After the Apocalypse, it’s the skinny people who will probably be eaten first.

    The fat people will have slimmed down enough, that they’ll be quick enough to catch them.


  3. @Friar – You may have a point there, thought the skinny people have the advantage of first being able to flee – ahhh, and HIDE! Between the cracks of rocks and in trees, from which they’ll drop coconuts on the head of unsuspecting dinner!

  4. Karen JL Says:

    Being fat usually provides you with big boobs. Once you have those, guys don’t really care about how fat you are.

    …and you can laugh at all the skinny chicks shelling out five grand on fake boobs. 🙂


  5. @Karen – Did you ever notice that when you diet your boobs are the first thing that disappear? They don’t tell you that on the Weight Watcher infomercials.

  6. Karen JL Says:

    @ CAW – Yes! It’s a cruel trick of nature I tells ya!

    That’s why it’s ‘Mother Nature’. ‘Father Nature’ would *never* let that happen. 😉

  7. Brett Legree Says:

    @Karen JL,

    You had me at big boobs.

    (Well, so did my wife heh heh…)

    And it’s definitely “Mother Nature”, if it were “Father Nature”, when a guy gained weight, his dick would get bigger…

  8. Brett Legree Says:

    PS – fake big boobs have nuthin’ on real big boobs.

    It’s kinda like a remake of a classic movie or a cover song.

    Can’t beat the real thing…

  9. Karen JL Says:

    @ Brett – And you also realize *every* man would weigh over 900 lbs.

  10. Friar Says:

    @James
    Well, interesting hypothesis. Hopefully we wont’ have to find out any time soon.

    @Karen
    True…if a woman has big boobs, that’s what the guys will typically zoom in on, and they won’t notice (or won’t care to notice) if the rest of the body is fat.

    @Armywife
    Kind of like with guys, where the last, LAST place they’ll lose weight is their beer gut.

    @Brett
    Agreed…you can’t beat the real thing.

    Every once in a while, you see real boobs on nude scenes from old movies before 1975. Wow…too bad I was too young to have appreciated that area.

    @Everyone

    I started out with a normal post. With no poopy/fart talk or anything. Something even your grandmother could read.

    And now we’ve already degraded to talking about boobs.

    See? It’s not always my fault. I get corrupted by the rest of you. 😉

  11. Karen JL Says:

    Talking about boobs and talking about poo are NOT the same thing.

  12. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    No, I admit, boobs are more fun.

    But still, you can’t blame me for starting this conversation…

  13. Karen JL Says:

    I take full responsibility. 😉

  14. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Hah! It figures. I bet you’re almost as bad as me.

    It’d be interesting to see what you’d blog about, if it wasn’t a professional blog related to your business.

    …If you had carte blanche, and didn’t have to to “behave”. 😉

  15. Brett Legree Says:

    @Karen JL,

    “…*every* man would weigh over 900 lbs.”

    You’ve just revealed the plot for Battlefield Earth 2.

    Our new overlords will weigh 900 lbs. and have 2-foot long… yeah.

  16. XUP Says:

    I’ve known plenty of fat people without personality OR strength. At least as many as there are skinny people without personality or strength. And vice versa. And many times if a hot-looking person is hooking up with a fat person it’s not because they like YOU, it’s because they’re chubby-chasers. And if the apocalypse comes, the skinny people will catch and eat the fat people before they have a chance to slim down and try to run after the skinny people. On the other hand, of course the skinny people will be outnumbered by like 10:1, so they probably don’t stand a chance. Also the skinny people are only going to be food enough for a couple of days and then the fat people will have to start eating each other. Also, I don’t understand why James thinks it’s an advantage to be able to wrap your arms around a tree?? Does he have some sort of Deliverance kink?

  17. Brett Legree Says:

    @XUP,

    Ever notice how a lot of fat people tend to be rednecks, and those same rednecks have high powered rifles, and are pretty good with them?

    There goes that whole “the skinny people will survive the Apocalypse thing”…

    *BOOM*

    “Look Jethro, I dun got me a nuther one a dem skinnies… fire up the grill…”

  18. Seestor Says:

    Fat people, old people, skinny people, commic people … meh. No comment.

    Bring back the vikings!

  19. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Exactly. It’s not about the weight, but how the weight is distributed.

    @XUP
    Thanks for the middle-of-the-road answer, by correctly pointing out skinny people and fat people, alike, share the same qualities and faults. Now I feel somewhat less opinionated. 😉

    Interesting discussion, though, about who would eat who in a post Apocalyptic World.

    I bet you this would make a good PhD Thesis topic for a Cultural Anthropology major.

    @Brett
    I dunno…those scary hillbilly rednecks in Deliverance were kinda skinny.

    @Seestor
    Vikings will be coming shortly. I can’t please everybody.

    I bet you more people will talk about this post, though.

  20. Brett Legree Says:

    Yeah, the Deliverance guys were pretty skinny, but you’ve got to remember, Deliverance did not involve the Apocalypse.

    The fat hillbillies would start by shootin’ and grillin’ their skinny kinfolk first, then get on their ATV’s and go on raiding parties into the ‘burbs once they ran out of Hatfields.

  21. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    You know what post-Apocalyptic movie you really gotta see?

    ZOMBIELAND.

    I just saw it. But I’d gladly watch it again.

    Bring it over next time you come.

  22. XUP Says:

    I still don’t know where the wrapping-your-arms-around-a-tree thing comes in? Do the hillbillies tie you up there and have their way with you before they eat you or what? And why, James, for the love of gdo is that a good thing?


  23. Well, you see, sometimes people take walks in the woods and are impressed by the size of trees. Of course, they need to make sure this truly is a tree worth speaking of.

    So they want to be sure they can come home and say, “It was so big, I couldn’t wrap my arms around it!”

    Instead, of course, having to say, “I was so big I couldn’t wrap my arms around it!”

  24. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Man, us in-betweenies aren’t going to inherit nothin’ when the apocalypse comes. And we have none of the adavntages of anybody else, either.

    Sleeves don’t fit – guilt about food – no interest in wrapping arms around trees for any reason – can’t open jars or get sympathy to have anyone else open ’em – and nobody’s staring at my chest.

    Wait. That last one is supposed to be an advantage, right?

    The post was LOL funny but James’ rebuttal is so good it looks like the two of you planned it. Dying laughing here.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  25. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Fat hillbilles driving ATV’s out in the hinterland…

    Your description is frighteningly similar to where you and I both live, right now.

    @XUP
    That scene with Ned Beatty and the hillbillies.

    Traumatized me for life, that one did. (Shudder)

    @James
    Or, you could use a tape measure.

    @Kelly
    Nobody’s staring at your chest…perhaps.

    But I seem to recall, that they sure were checking out your gams, on one of your posts from last year.;-)

  26. Karen JL Says:

    If we took Kelly’s legs and my boobs, we’d have one hot chick. 😉

    Now who’s got the best ass? Brett?

  27. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    For that I’ll thank the Irish, not the in-betweenies. My Dad’s always had good legs. (My mother would complain that it wasn’t fair, he could eat whatever he wanted and his legs still looked good. Ah, food guilt and jealousy, too!)

    Karen,

    And your hair. Red hair on a chick is HAWT.

    Until later,

    Kelly

  28. Karen JL Says:

    @ Kelly – Feria Power Reds No.68. 😉

    @ Friar – And let’s admit it, you are *really* talking about the ‘functional fat’ like us. 10-30 lbs over.

    Not ‘confined to a power chair and oxygen tank’ fat.
    (Or “Battlefield Earth 2: Attack of the Two Foot Schlongs” fat).

  29. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    I will vouch for Brett. Nobody is as much of an Ass as he is.

    @Kelly
    Guys tend to be able to get away with that. My legs pretty much have zero fat.

    (Now, if I can just get the rest of my body to be that way.)

    @Karen
    You mean you’re NOT a natural red?

    Oh, MAN!!! Now I don’t believe in ANYTHING, anymore! 😦

  30. Kelly Says:

    Karen,

    With my skin (“Irish splotchy No. 3,” without my battle-makeup on) there is no way I could go red. I’ll just have to have a crush on your hair.

    🙂

  31. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar – I’m also a dude.

  32. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Come to think of it…I have no proof you are who you say your are.

    For all I know, you could be a 400-lb. shut-in, working out of a trailer park in Pahrump, Nevada.

    And maybe that’s just a red-headed actor you’ve hired to do your blog videos.

  33. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar – Dang it! You done founds me out!

  34. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    I have my sources.

    Now, if only I can dispell the rumor that Brett and I are the same person.

    (Some people on Twitter apparently think so…)

  35. Brett Legree Says:

    “Now who’s got the best ass? Brett?”

    As the resident qualified “ass-master”, I’d have to compare the two side-by-side.

    Generally, though, as the saying goes, “the bigger the cushion, the better the pushin…”

  36. Karen JL Says:

    No, Mr. Ass-Master.

    I was asking if it was YOU who had the best ass. Not be a judge.

    *rolls eyes* 😉

  37. Kelly Says:

    Dang, y’all, I wish I could save these laughs up. I am going to need them badly next week.

    Friar, please be equally funny from about Tuesday until Friday next wk., k? And, y’know, bring Karen back, because she kills me.

    kthxbai,

    Kelly

  38. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Reminds me of that Spinal Tap song, about big mud-flaps.

    @Karen
    We can hook up via Skype video, and moon you. And let you decide.

    @Kelly
    Yeah, it was livlier today than usual. But I have absollutely NO control over Karen, nor the rest of the Peanut Gallery.

    I dunno…musta been something in the drinking water today.

  39. Karen JL Says:

    Popping in here is my only escape from my current cartoon prison.

    It’s keeping me sane, believe it or not.

    (Which is kinda sad when you think about it.)

  40. Davina Says:

    I’m miffed! There’s a lot of good stuff in this post — almost 20 valid points and LOOK at where the comments have gone (tits and ass). Seems not only men focus on Boobs; gonna have to rethink this myth — um… MythBUSTers anyone? 😀

  41. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    And (as I’ve pointed out), it was NOT me that started the T & A conversation.

    (…for a change). 🙂

  42. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    I supsect the closer to your deadline you are, the more you’re gonna visit here.

    You’re hilarious today. I hope you visit when you’re fried, more often. 🙂


  43. I’d just like to say that while I may be interested in boobs, I have nothing to do with boobconvos and plead total innocence.

    In fact, I think it’s a sneaky woman tactic to drop boob-bait, see who responds, then leap on it, progress the boob-talk further and THEN point out what dirty, filthy people we all are.

    Which means… SHE started it.

  44. Kelly Says:

    Ack! make it stop! “Boob-bait” is putting the most awful images in my head. Hansel & Gretel in a horror film.

    I love Karen for starting all sorts of things. But Friar looks so guilty.

    Me, I never start anything. Mostly.

    Darn it.

  45. Friar Says:

    @James

    Yeah, those women, trolling hints of their boobs…and just when we guys get all wound up, they take off, and leave us hanging.

    Kind of like when you go catch-and-release fishing. 😉

    @Kelly

    Last post, I was accused of being obsessed with Potty Humor.

    So this time, I wrote a nice humorous post, with no mention of poo or pee. A total fresh start.

    And LOOK where it turned up.

    Poor Friar’s Mom. (Who’s probably lurking as we speak). 😮

  46. Karen JL Says:

    Have you forgotten Brett brought up penises?

    Do you talk about that? Nooooooooo….

    Boobs, boobs, boobs…it’s all you guys THINK about!

    *sneaks off again* 😉


  47. @Friar – I think the larger problem is that if the fishing was good and someone took that fish home and it ended up that the fish actually admired the boobs (properly of course, and with respect), then the women would be quite happy.

    It reminds me of David Copperfield, actually. You know, smoke and mirrors. Because the boobs that you thought were being set on the table for discussion are actually NOT up for discussion, disappear suddenly and are replaced by a guillotine designed to cut off your hands. Or poke you in the eyes.

    Not really nice. And we PAID for this show! (At least, David’s show. Which does include nice boobs. That DO disappear.)

    Oh, btw. I can say that Kelly could scale buildings with me.


  48. @Karen – Boobs are far more interesting. And Brett’s sexuality, considering his choice of topics, is now in question.

  49. Kelly Says:

    Well, now that’s all I think about, but on 900-lb mutants, I was kinda scared.

    I think…

    I’ll just stop thinking for today.

  50. Kelly Says:

    James,

    Kelly wants a nice big man to scale the buildings for her. So I can be ladylike and keep my nylons from running and such.

    ‘Bout 6’3″ and built like…

    not built like a 900-lb mutant. I haven’t seen any but I guess Brett has.


  51. @Kelly –

    I haven’t seen any but I guess Brett has.

    You know… I’m a curious guy. But in Brett’s case, I *really* don’t want to know.

  52. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    Don’t you have some cartoons to draw, or something?

    @James and Kelly
    Oh, I’m sure we all have parts of our lives that other people “don’t wanna know” about.

    But in Brett’s case, I can honestly say he’s %100 clear about his sexuality. What you see is what you get. He’s got a litter of blondies to prove it.

    But I’ll leave it to him to provide a rebuttal. (I think he’s out tonight)

  53. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    I have no doubt that *all* parts of my life are the parts nobody wants to know about. I’m a bore!

    So I write about business. And you help me out with inflatable gorillaz. It works out pretty well, on balance. 🙂


  54. I *really* don’t want to know about the inflatables either… just sayin’. 😉

  55. Amy Says:

    Just what I like to see, a nice conversation about boobs.

    What was the topic again?

  56. Kelly Says:

    I gotta find me someplace with a nice conversation about something more my style.

    Friar, maybe Seestor can write a blog as funny as yours, but with endless jokes about dude-parts? Not jumbo-sized? Was the warped-yet-funny gene passed on to her?

  57. Kelly Says:

    P.S. Hi, Amy!!!

  58. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    Oh, who knows? I lost control over this post like 20 comments ago.

    @Kelly
    I think the problem is the full moon this week. It’s gotten everyone all haywire.

    PS. Don’t hold your breath for my Seestor to blog. I think she’s got enough going on in her life.

  59. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Everyone,

    Just to change the topic:

    “As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way”.

    My ride has not been smooth today.

  60. Amy Says:

    I wanna adopt Friar’s Mom as my mom.

  61. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom
    THANK YOU…for trying to bring some sanity back here.

    Is your house freezing cold yet?

    @Amy
    Yeah, Friar’s Mom is pretty cool. If you’re nice, I’ll let you borrow her some time.

  62. Karen JL Says:

    Yet I doubt Friar’s Mom would want to adopt us.

    Hope tomorrow is better!

    Yup…must be that moon thing.

  63. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    See? I KNEW Friar’s Mom was lurking.

    Geez Louise. What she must think of us now (!?)

    (We oughta hang our heads in shame.)

  64. Karen JL Says:

    This whole thread is *still* better than that poop cartoon.

  65. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    Yes I finally have heat. The furnace has been running since 11:00 last night, even though it stopped working when the technician left at 4:00.

    My solution was to flick the furnace swich on and off a few times, and crank up the thermostat to 23°C and be patient. My issue is that the new one-year old furnace is unreliable.

    And yes, I got my H1N1 flu shot yesterday, arm is tender at injection site. Whole process took an hour, not bad.

    Hey guess what, I digressed from body parts and body functions to “F” words like “furnace” and “flu shot”.

  66. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    …the cartoon which I had nothing to do with posting! (Right, BRETT?)

    And when I do post something like my Viking cartoons (which takes a LOT of work), I get maybe 1/3 the comments I get on this post.

    I can never figure out what people like to talk about. This is why I will never earn 6 figures blogging (*sniff*)

    @Friar’s Mom
    Well, glad your furnace is going, at least. Still, for something that’s 1 year old, that doesn’t’ seem right.

    You might feel a bit achy and tired for the next few days after your H1N1 shot. I did.

    Keep those F words coming, though.

  67. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I’m with Seestor, bring back the Vikings.

    But while I’m here. I have seen Brett’s ass and as asses go it seemed ok, hairy, but ok.

    Karen is a dude, Brett is gay. Anyone else wan to claim they are really of the opposite sex, or change their sexual orientation? Seems to be an “outting” day.

    Now back to our regularly scheduled comments.

    Eyebusyguy


  68. @EyeTea – Well, unfortunately, that was yesterday. Today’s a whole different story 🙂

  69. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Workin’ on it.

    Though my last Viking Post, you didn’t even so much as stop by to say hello.

    Does that mean you liked the post much, that you just didn’t have anything to so? (Oooh, please say it’s so!)

    By the way, I might as well out myself too.

    I’m not a engineer working at the Widget Factory. Actually, I’m a dumb-ass Labrador Retriever who likes to run in the mud and play.

    That’s why I like to blog about dogs so much, and why I get along so well with Walter (Brett’s dog).

  70. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    PS. Comments pushing 70 now…this time, without your assistance.

    Are you losing your touch?

  71. Eyeteaguy Says:

    As I have clearly stated before, my contract specifies that I need to step in only when needed. If the comments are surpassing 50, then clearly I am not needed.

    And as for not commenting on your Vking post. I did. But you moderated me you fother mucker.

    Finally, you can’t out yourself. I’ve met you. And you are a guy, and you are an engineer and you do work at the widget factory.

    I can’t speak for the others who may be gay, girls, guys or dogs.

    Geez, what a freak show…..

    Eyeteaguy

  72. Brett Legree Says:

    You’re all gay.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  73. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    No, the cartoon had nothing to do with the post itself – of course, most of the comments on here have nothing to do with your posts…

    Oh and by the way, I’m not gay, I’m a woman pretending to be a man. All male bloggers are actually women pretending to be men. Doesn’t everyone know that by now???

  74. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Oh, no! 😦

    There was no intent on ever moderating you.

    In fact, I was actually on the lookout for your comment and was somewhat surprised to see you never showed up.

    Sometimes, my regular readers get tossed into the spam-box. Either your comment got lost, or I deleted something from my Spam Box without looking closely enough at it.

  75. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I’m not pretending to be anything I’m not. I’m an IT Guy and a thorn in Friar’s side. That’s all.

    And Friar, all I said at your viking post, was;

    “Fuck, I fucking love the fucking vikings. Fuck that’s fucking awesome! I can’t wait for the next fucking part when all the fucking vikings engage in wild animal sex in their living rooms….with the donkey”

    Not sure why it got moderated.

    Eyeassholeguy

  76. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    What’s with you and Amy and the donkey?

    It’s such a MINOR character.

  77. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    What’s with your commenters? This post started off with “F” for “Fat”, and the comments evolve about body parts and body functions. I attempted to change it to Furnace and Flu shot, and in one comment Eyeasshole Guy, insert more “F***” words that the entire 75 comments so far.

    Sheeeesh!!! Two lurks for day, and I’ve had it!

  78. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Sorry Frar’s Mom, I’ll warn you to cover your eyes next time.

    The blogosphere is a wild and wooly place. Maybe Seestor should vet the comments before you lurk?

    Next thing you’ll know there will be pictures of body part here.

    Eye****guy

  79. Kelly Says:

    Y’all are crazy.

    There. Now everyone’s bloody well outed.

  80. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Umm, what? Who is out-ed? Karen is a man? Then who is the hot chick in the videos?

    I know Brett is full of shit….

    Eyeconfusedguy

  81. Brett Legree Says:

    No, Karen is not a man (weren’t you listening?)

    All *male* bloggers – as in *men* who blog – are actually women, pretending to be men.

    Kind of a digital “nom de plume”, so to speak.

    I may be full of shit, but at least I know who I am 😉

  82. Eyeteaguy Says:

    You have got to be shitting me Pile.

    Are you fucking serious?

    Do you have proof? I want a confession or a retraction.

    Otherwise I an outta here, y’all can go play your games with somebody else.

    Eyeteaguy

  83. Brett Legree Says:

    SIR I am serious SIR

    😉

    You blog like old people fuck.

  84. Karen JL Says:

    No Brett, I go against the grain. So I am a male blogger pretending to be a woman who is pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman.

    I have gone to great lengths too. Photos, videos, talk of my boobs…(that actress is costing me a fortune). I’ve paid off friends in the industry that are just playing along.

    And it’s all to dominate the highly competitive and lucrative storyboarding sector of the internet. I will take over the world by making it my own animated cartoon.

    BAH HA HA HA HA!! (diabolical laughter)

  85. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy
    Now see what you did? You scared off Friar’s Mom!

    (Which is NOT easy to do).

    @Kelly
    Oh, I think it’s more than just being a little crazy.

    A lot of us have issues here (myself especially) 😉

    @Brett

    But…HOW do we know Karen isn’t a dude, though?

    Like I said earlier, they could have hired a reh-headed hot-chick model to portray themselves. And just provided the cue-cards to have the red-head read about Cintiq’s and story-boarding.

    And there are still some people on Twitter who believe you and I are the same. Who else besides Eyeteaguy has ever seen the two of us together?

    (And nobody listens to him anyway)

  86. Kelly Says:

    Karen,

    Send that actress over here. I want to borrow her boobs to go out on dates for me.

    Cyrano de Booberac.

    ‘Bout time somebody noticed me for something besides my brains.

  87. Friar Says:

    Someone remind me…what did I actually write about in the first place? Did anyone actually READ it?

    Next time, I’ll just cut and paste some pages from the phone book.

    I’ll probably get the same number of comments. 😉

  88. Kelly Says:

    It was delightfully on-topic for a while. I loved it. But some have said to me, one chooses on-topic or quantity, and we can’t have both…

    You almost always luck out and get quantity, and when you don’t—admit it, you’re lonely.

    Folks are just trying to save you from loneliness on this one. 🙂

  89. Karen JL Says:

    @ Kelly – You know, I’ve always said I wish they were removable. Just screw them off and put them in a box on the shelf until you need them. (Dressing up, sex etc). The rest of the time it would be nice to be unfettered and lighter.

    And if you’re not in the mood, just give the box to your guy to play with.

    I could go on and on…but I’m really a man and don’t really know of such things.

    That being said, if I could, I would. 🙂

    (Have I dragged this thread down a notch again? At least I wasn’t a potty mouth. *gives EyeTea the side-eye*)

  90. Karen JL Says:

    Yeah Friar, you looooooooooove it.

    I bet even James is enjoying goofing off here and not talking business. Right James?

  91. Kelly Says:

    Ah ha ha. In a box on the shelf! Eew!

    Having gone unfettered for—well, forever, I can tell you I’d be happy with a bit of…erm… fettering.

    I guess the grass is always greener over the other chick’s bra straps. And to bring it back on topic, being heavier wasn’t much of a help for me.

  92. Brett Legree Says:

    Okay then, I’ll go on record and say that I *am* officially gay, and I’m really attracted to guys who look like Karen JL’s stunt double.

    (PS – they do make ‘boobs in a box’, but they’re kinda cold and latex-y, or so I’ve been told…)

  93. Karen JL Says:

    *calling out like at the playground*

    Brett is gay and has his own Boobs-In-A-Box!!

  94. Brett Legree Says:

    Damned straight. Err, gay.

  95. Karen JL Says:

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    Again.

  96. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    That’s what I always said. Boobs should be removable (Mabye stick-on with Velcro)

    A woman can put on the small practical ones for sports (or for the workplace so the guys learn to take her seirously and don’t ogle her).

    And then she could put on the big ones at night, for sex and whatnot.

    And if she’s not in the mood for sex, she can just leave the guy have the big ones on a box to play with. Everyone’s happy.

    @Kelly

    That’s why we like to talk about GIG’s on your blog.

    Notice the comments shoot up, as soon as we talk about GIGs

    (Giant Inflatable Gorillas, for those of you who aren’t in the loop).

    @Karen
    I think we scared James off.

    And Friar’s Mom.

    And pretty much everyone else.

    @Brett

    Okay…now I’m confused.

    I don’t’ even know WHAT you are, any more.

    But if you come over for beer tonight..it’s strictly platonic, okay?

  97. Karen JL Says:

    Better put up a new post and we’ll forget this ever happened.

    I’m going away now. Looks like I get to go outside for a few hours. Rejoice!

  98. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    You know, that word has always made me go “hmm”.

    A “platonic” relationship.

    Root word – Plato.

    You know, that gay guy from Greece.

    So is a platonic relationship one in which everyone keeps “hands-off”, or is it in fact totally gay?

    Tell you what – let’s never find out, we’ll just be “beer buds”… 🙂

  99. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Yes, I’ll probably have another post coming out tomorrow.

    But that doesn’t guarantee the comments won’t derail any less than they did today.

    @Brett

    Agreed. Beer-buds it is. 😉

  100. Amy Says:

    @Friar — The donkey is awesome. That is all.

  101. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    Okay…I see I’m going to have to give the donkey an appearance in Part II.


  102. No one scared me off. I just got distracted thinking about what Brett said.

    If a man were a woman pretending to be a man, well…

    That would take a lot of balls.

    🙂

  103. Eyeteaguy Says:

    No it wouldn’t, that would just be a fucking lie.

  104. Brett Legree Says:

    I just want to talk about boobs.

    Big, beautiful boobs.

    🙂

  105. eyeteaguy Says:

    Do women like women with big boobs? Are they jealous?

    Eyeboobguy

  106. Brett Legree Says:

    Those were definitely “epic”… yeesh, that turned *me* into a lesbian.

  107. Friar Says:

    @Brett and Eyeteaguy

    THUS..it begins again! 😮

  108. Brett Legree Says:

    Yeah, but this time we’re talking about boobs.

  109. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Well as much as it pains me to get on topic again. Your post was about being fat, and we moved onto boobs. So if a man gets fat enough, he gets man boobs.

    This may be why men get fat, so we get boobs to play with.

    Dunno, just a theory.

    Eyelipidman

  110. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    As opposed to what you talked about yesterday, right?

    @Eyelipdiman

    I just don’t’ think man-boobs would be as much fun, though.

  111. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    What’s worse than man-boobs?

    …BACK-boobs!!!

    http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?paged=20

  112. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Back boobs? On a woman? I’d go dancing every night. I’d finally have a place to put my hands.

    Eyedancinguy

  113. Amy Says:

    Yes, enough of this boob talk. Bring back the donkey. 😛

  114. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    Some people are just incorrigible.

    At least today, Karen had nothing to do with it.

  115. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Just think…she could close-dance with 2 guys at once.

  116. eyeteaguy Says:

    @Amy
    Brett is back so in a sense so is the donkey, Brett being an ass and all.

    But I agree, enough fat, boob and beer buds talk. We want vikings!

    Eyehardtopleaseguy

  117. Brett Legree Says:

    @eyeteaguy,

    But where there’s boobs, there’s Vikings. It’s bait, you know.

    You gotta bait them, get them to come out of hiding.

    So just leave some boobs laying about… a little beer, and maybe some fat (bacon)… et voila!

  118. Amy Says:

    @eyeteaguy — I firmly believe that Brett is the nicest guy on the planet. Please don’t tell Friar, as he is nice also. But Brett has that litter of blondies and also now a blonde pup, and yet he is still nice despite being littered and puppified. So he wins the Brett Is Not An Ass award. There will be a virtual trophy forthcoming, as soon as I learn how to craft a virtual trophy.

  119. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    When you craft that virtual trophy, can you please put in on a virtual display-case on a Facebook page, so that we can all access it and have somewhere to leave our comments?

    It should only be about 10 hours of work.

    And can you please tell me the ISBN number of the trophy? 😉

  120. Eyeteaguy Says:

    @Amy,

    Brett has you totally snowed! I’ve known Brett for over 15 years. I have even known some of the people he has killed. Trust me, he’s an ass.

    And Friar is not nice, that is a death knell for any hope he had of getting a girl. He’s a prick, who doesn’t do laundry or write poems and farts… a lot.

    He is looking for a woman to change him, soothe his savage breast. He promises that if he does beat you, he won’t do it again.

    Eyeteaguy

  121. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    If it’s the right woman, I’ll change for her.

    Provided she knows how to treat me well, and will bring me tasty sammiches and beer while I sit on the couch and watch TV.

    And don’t skimp on the mustard.

  122. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Say it with me now everybody

    “Friar is gonna be one lonely dude.”

  123. Amy Says:

    Poor Brett and Friar, knowing people online who also know them in real life. The testicalmonials are endless. (I’ve always wanted to use that made up word in a sentence.)

  124. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    …As opposed to how I am now?

    I’m 45, for Chrissakes. Living by myself, and I’m wasting my time on a BLOG. 🙂

    @Amy

    Given all the boob talk, I think we were due for some testicle-words, to balance things out.

  125. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar – If you sit around on the couch all day while your woman brings you beer and sammiches, you’ll get fat.

    Maybe you should write a post about the advantages of that.

    @ Amy – Apparently the word ‘testimonials’ is actually derived from the word ‘testicles’. I sh*t you not.

  126. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    I tried that once, but nobody paid any attention to what I wrote.

  127. Cath Lawson Says:

    Great excuses. Seriously tho – the one about having enough weight to lose, if you get a violent stomach flu is v true. I know a fat guy who got salmonella and lost four stone. That kind of weight loss would kill a lot of skinny folk.

    Mind you, he might not have got salmonella to begin with, if he didn’t eat everything in sight. I think he got it from a pork pie – he was too hungry to check the use by date.

  128. Friar Says:

    @Cath

    THANK YOU…!!!

    You’re one of the few people who actually seem to have read my post and commented on it! 😉

    I like pork, but you can never completely trust it. For precisely the reason you demonstrated.

  129. Kat Says:

    “Big strength often comes with big size. You can open up jars of pickles and move heavy furniture without having to ask for help.”

    Often, but sadly not always. I still occasionally ask others to open jars of jam for me.

    “You hardly ever feel cold, so you’ll save on heating fuel in the winter.”

    I don’t know if this one is true or not, primarily because winter is the perfect excuse for me to break out blankets and get snuggly. =p

    “Nobody enjoys a good steak or pizza like you do. Nobody.”

    100% Agree.

    “Thin people are rarely considered “cuddly”.”

    I’d say this depends on the person, but then you know that or you wouldn’t have said -rarely-.

    “When you hug someone, you REALLY HUG them.”

    Mhmm.

    “You don’t make insensitive comments about the physical appearance of others, because you know what that feels like from first-hand experience.”

    Such a sad truth, but a good one. Though on the other hand, I’ve seen reverse body type criticism before. Where a bunch of big folk are saying how unattractive skinny people are and the skinny uns get offended.

    “You really get your money’s worth at all-you-can-eat buffets.”

    Yep. Guilty as charged.

    “You have enough reserves on you to survive a violent stomach flu that would put most people in the hospital.”

    Let’s just hope I never experience said stomach flu.

    “You never suffer from food-martyrdom. (“Oooh, I shouldn’t have eaten the piece of chocolate!”)”

    If only this were true. =p

    “Kids never have to worry about getting bruised by pelvic bones when they sit on your lap, like they do with Great-Aunt Edna.”

    But, see… Vulnerable places end up taking up more room (for large women anyway), thus giving said kids more of a target area for unfortunate elbows to land. So I’m not sure in this instance that the tradeoff is worth it.

    “You can write posts like this and get away with it.”

    Is the long trail of comments your evidence of having ‘gotten away with it?’ =)

  130. Friar Says:

    @Kat

    Thanks for the well-thought of answers. Out of the 130 commments, I think you’re one of the five who actually addressed what I wrote.

    I agree with kids and elbows. Same thing as a hyperactive puppy and their paws. No matter how careful you are, they fidget and always seem to smack the vulnerable areas. You can never let your guard down with the little urchins.

    You have a good point of me not getting away with it. This blog got hijacked ten times over, to the point I’d almost forgot what I wrote about.

    Oh, well. The moon is no longer full, it’s waning. So hopefully the Peanut Gallery will have calmed down by now. 😉

  131. Kat Says:

    Friar, either way it was an enjoyable read for me, and the ensuing line of comments was as well. Both brought much-needed laughter into my 8-5 routine while I was reading. =) Thanks for that, and look forward to reading more.

  132. Friar Says:

    @Kat

    Thanks! Come back anytime.

    (There will be lots more of the same..) 😉

  133. abbie x Says:

    LMAO!
    me and my friend are sitting here wreading all the comments just like pissing ourselves laughing,

    and fake boobs are nothing compared to real ones x


  134. Can I publish your put up to my wordpress blog? I’ll add a one way link to your forum. That’s one actually great post.

  135. Jeremy Says:

    Benefit of not being fat: Sex.

    As a recovering fatty, I can say without a shred of uncertainty, that this conversation is over.


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