The Vikings Versus the Eldâr KrΦnes, Part II.
When we last left our Viking friends in Part I, the Eldâr-KrΦnes had taken over the village of SmelBaäd, and the villagers were quite upset. They had demanded Olaf Thunderfröck, their Chieftain, do something about it.
Olaf knew this was a delicate matter, as the Viking Code forbade them to use force against the frail, doddering old KrΦnes. He knew he must first seek counsel with Clöst Aerfrök, the Village Elder.
“O, Worthy Clöst! You who are so wise such matters. How are we to rid the village of these cursed Eldâr-KrΦnes?”
“By Odin! That is a not an easy question to answer”, said Clöst. “Let me search through the tribal records of Viking Knowledge, and I shall have a solution by morning”.
And well into the early ours of the morning, did Clöst pore over pages and pages of old sagas, records, spells and charms.
“Let’s see….I think I’ve found something…Eldar KrΦnes…also known as Oöld Phårtes…related to the bat family. From the old legends, miserable in their youth, never knew laughter….doomed by the Gods to walk the Earth as older versions of the same….. Can only be controlled by….yes..yes! I think I see know! Fenrir be praised! I’ve GOT IT!!!”
At dawn, Clöst came to the village square and excitedly started giving instructions.
“You! Young lad! Gather your friends! I want you all to behave as jackasses. Be loud. Be obnoxious. Pull your pants down. Curse as much as you want, using the worst language possible.
“But my Mother told me a Viking should never curse, until at least after breakfast”, the young man said.
“Never mind. Tell your Mother you have my permission. Just DO IT!”
“…And you, women!”, Clöst continued. ” Assemble as much pungent lutefisk, pickled eggs, and ale you can. Men! I want you FEAST! ”
“But this hardly seems like a time to celebrate and get drunk”, exclaimed one of the wives.
“No time to explain…”, said Clöst. “You shall have to trust me..just DO IT”.
Soon, the children were following Clöst’s instruction to a tee, parading around the square, and indeed behaving like jackasses.
Young Gunnar started crying “Yo! Yo! Yo!” with a pot on his head, with his pants pulled down. His friends started following suit.
And this did not please the Eldâr-KrΦnes.
“Shocking!”, scolded one.
“Such lack of respect”, hissed the other.
Then, the children started their swearing.
“Fjörk you!” “Kyúnge!” “Eat my Skyärthang!”s
“My word”, exclaimed the first KrΦne. “Such filth!”
“Children today”, said the second. “What shall become of us?”
Meanwhile, the men were actively involved in their feast, enjoying their food and drink as Vikings normally do.
And soon the pickled eggs and lutefisk began to take its effect.
“Pull my finger”, said Läars.
“No, pull MINE”, said Kyevin.
“Let as ALL pull our fingers!”
And soon the air was clapping with Viking Thunder.
“Such manners!”, seethed a KrΦne
“Atrocious!”, fumed another. “My word, I don’t know how much more I can stand of this!”
Suddenly, Bjorgolf the Berserker looked pale, and said “I do not feel so good. Perhaps I had too much ale”.
“Hmph, serves you right.” the lead KrΦne said.
“No, seriously, I do not feel so good. You better stand back”
“Land sakes. I will do no such thing”
But before anyone could say anything, The Berserker let loose an rip-roaring, earth-shattering, sky-rendering Viking BURP…the likes of which would be worthy of Thor himself!
This was the final straw, too much for even the Eldâr-KrΦnes to bear. And how could they? Not being Vikings, they had no idea of how to deal with Berserkers.
“Well, I NEVER!”, screeched one.
“Me, neither!”, chimed another.
“I will have no part of such vulgarity!”, seethed a third.
And suddenly, the Eldâr-KrΦnes returned to the cold, north sea, from whence they came, cursing and grumbling the whole time.
“Tell all your friends about us….if you have any.” taunted the villagers. “And don’t come back!”
Later that night, at the celebration bonfire, Olaf asked Clöst: “How did you know?”.
“Once I found the answer, it was easy”, Clöst laughed. “According to the Legend, Eldâr-KrΦnes despise youth, vulgar behaviour, and rude table manners”. And being Vikings, our village has an abundance of all three. It was a just matter of letting our true nature show, and the problem solved itself.”
And the rejoicing, pillaging and burning went well into the night.
And life was good again, in the Village of SmelBaäd.