Realistic New Years’ Resolutions I Can Keep

In 2010, I resolve to inhale oxygen, and exhale carbon dioxide.

I will sustain a metabolism, and maintain a body temperature of 98.6F, to the extent that I am able.

I will humor my Mom, and will (occasionally) eat a salad if she puts one in front of me.

At least once this year, I will catch at a cold which will turn into a chest infection, requiring me to take antibiotics and puffers.  (Why ruin a perfect 20-year record?)

I will tell myself that I’ll lose weight, but then I’ll slack off and not achieve my goal,  thereby disappointing myself and others who say I need to be thinner.

I will exert a gravitational force on the Sun and the planets.    (Hey, every bit of mass counts!)

I will try to be more open-minded towards Vegans, and will reluctantly agree that they have a right to their opinion…sometimes.

I will continue to encourage dogs to get all wound up and hyper whenever I play with them.

The same applies for my screaming free-range nephews.

I will accept my caffeine addiction for what it is, and continue to drink coffee.   (There are other vices in my life that need taking care of first, that have higher priority.)

I will refuse to listen to any blogs, Tweets, or E-books that suggest how I can improve my life.    Just to be a dick.

As much as it pains me, I will not take up yoga this year.  Or the next.

I promise to never exceed the speed of light.   Ever.

If I ever start to take Twitter or Blogo-Land seriously, I promise to jam a sharp pencil up my nose and give myself a frontal lobotomy.

I promise to be myself, and in the process, continue to annoy many people.   More than once.

I will give up Lima Beans for Lent.

I will not take part in any exercise where I push my body to its utmost physical limits, thereby maintaining my Black Sheep status with my Uber-athletic family.

In my own small way, by just existing and generating heat, I will contribute to increasing the overall entropy of the Universe.

I will perform my job efficiently, using logic and common sense, thus ensuring I never be considered for a management position.

I will continue to drink beer with Brett on Thursday nights,  as long as his wife/kids continue to allow it.

I promise to continue blogging.  If and when I feel like it.   When the mood arises.   Maybe.

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14 Comments on “Realistic New Years’ Resolutions I Can Keep”

  1. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    Ahhhhh! Did humouring your mom include being my Fishing Sherpa?

    I expect to fish with you this summer to catch that elusive pike which swallowed my lure two years ago. If he didn’t choke and he’s still alive he’ll be humungous.

  2. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    Just don’t fall off your bike!…and we can go try to catch that pike again this summer.

  3. Brett Legree Says:

    Woohoo beer on Thursdays 🙂

    I think you should resolve to *charge for your blog content* this year heh heh…

  4. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Yeah, I worked hard on my cartoons all year. I should be compensated somehow.

    Everyone owes me ten bucks, and we’ll call it even. 🙂

  5. XUP Says:

    That’s pretty ambitious, isn’t it? Seems like a lot of stuff to remember to do and/or not do. And then you go and write it all down and publish it on the interwebby for millions of people to see. Now you’re going to be held accountable. I hate being held accountable.

  6. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    “millions of people…” ?

    …more like “dozens”. 🙂

    But if I let people down and don’t meet my expectations, I’ll just follow what other bloggers have done, and write a post explaining myself, and begging forgiveness.

  7. Kat Says:

    Friar,

    You mean you’ve not resolved not to follow the example of other bloggers by writing a post and begging forgiveness? Cause, ya know, that really doesn’t seem your style (even though I’ve only been reading your blog a short while).

  8. Friar Says:

    @Kat

    Yeah, I doubt I’ll stoop that low.

    It would be something as a last resort. If I really wanted attention, or something. 😉

  9. Captain Push Says:

    I always like to challenge myself during Lent. Lima Beans? That’s pretty cowardly. I’m giving up eating gefiltefish and riding on the backs of alligators.

  10. Friar Says:

    @Captain

    Hey, Happy New Year! How were your holidays?

    As for Lima Beans, they say sacrificing something for Lent “builds character”. I don’t’ like Lima Beans very much, but that’s okay, I have most of my character already. I just need to top it up, just a little bit.

    I’ve never had gefilte fish, so I can’t comment on whether that’s good to give up. But I agree with the gators.

  11. Wendi Kelly Says:

    Hey little Brother,

    You forgot to resolve to get sent to your room for time out at least once or twice. 🙂 But then, we know that’s a given, so maybe it needs no resolution then.

    Happy New Year!

  12. Friar Says:

    @Wendi

    And I resolve that you will be the one that sends me there! 😉

  13. Kate Says:

    Well,Friar
    Eat your salads – always.
    Be open minded towards vegans – never.
    Lose weight – why, for goodness sake, food is meant to be enjoyed.
    Caffeine addiction – caffeine is good for you, like salads.
    Annoy people – bloggers have a duty.
    Continue blogging – ve have vays of making you!

  14. Friar Says:

    @Kate

    I agree with most of what you say…except salads. I will eat them…not “always”…but only as absolutely required.

    They say V-8 juice is the equivalent of 2 servings of veggies. Maybe I can stick to THAT…


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