The Shittiest Cafeteria in the World.
If I wanted to run the Shittiest Cafeteria in the World, this is how I’d go about doing it:
The first thing I’d do is locate it where I’d be guaranteed a monopoly: right in the middle of Butt-Scrape nowhere. On Company property, where employees only had 40 minutes for lunch and the nearest restaurant down the road was 15 minutes away.
I’d also make damned sure the Company didn’t subsidize anything, so that I could mark up my prices exorbitantly. In fact, I’d charge even MORE than that same restaurant down the road.
I’d have a huge mural showing brightly-colored photos of the freshest fruit and produce, glistening with morning dew….which would in NO WAY would resemble the soggy fare I’d be serving in plastic cups.
I’d use bread as filler for the hamburgers….but I wouldn’t even bother trying to hide it. No…I’d deliberately leave the bread in 1/4-inch sized chunks, so that everyone can see them embedded in the burger, like so many grease-soaked croutons.
I’d make sure there were no ready-made sandwiches to eat, not like most places have. This way, anyone who’s in a rush would have to wait in line for 10 minutes, while we’d make each and every sandwhich on demand. Which would also be more expensive than Subway.
By the way, if anyone wanted a slice of processed cheese on one of these sandwiches, I’d charge a dollar…(A DOLLAR)!
I’d start putting out pizza on the rotating heat-trays at 10:30 AM, so that by the time it’s 12 Noon, the melted cheese would have the consistency of a soccer ball. (Providing there’s any pizza left, at this point.)
I’d make sure to foster feelings of mistrust with the customers. If someone came to the cash with a Styrofoam container, I’d make them open it, to prove they were buying just the toast like they said they were, and not trying to pull a fast one.
I’d also post signs pointing out the napkins and straws and condiments are for “paying customers only”. Just to make sure that anyone brown-bagging their lunch didn’t get any ideas. (Never mind that there’s nowhere else on-site to sit down and eat…that’s irrelevant!)
I’d further discourage brown-baggers by having (maybe) 4 working microwaves, for a staff of 2500. I’d post more signs, saying that if the microwaves were not kept clean, they would be removed.
I’d make getting free water as inconvenient as possible. There would only be two available water coolers located at the far end of the eating area, and I’d only leave out thimble-sized drinking glasses. This way, people might get fed up and would be more prone to buying my over-priced beverages.
If the toaster-conveyor-belt machine broke, where it only browned one side of the bread, I’d make sure it didn’t get fixed for at least three months. Maybe four.
If someone came in at the end of the day, and there was tons of food in the hot trays waiting to be thrown out, I’d still serve them a regulation-sized portion…and not ONE iota more.
I’d post a sign proudly stating that we apply FME Principles. “Foreign Material Exclusion” is important, if you want to avoid getting thumbtacks in the soup again.
I’d make sure the doors and metal cupboards were locked at night, to keep the raccoons out of the food. Because those varmints somehow always manage to break in.
One last thing. I’d pay my staff shit. So that they became just as jaded and burnt out as my customers were.
How would you run YOUR Shittiest Cafeteria in the World?