The Shittiest Cafeteria in the World.

If I wanted to run the Shittiest Cafeteria in the World,  this is how I’d go about doing it:

The first thing I’d do is locate it where I’d be guaranteed a monopoly:  right in the middle of Butt-Scrape nowhere.  On Company property, where employees only had 40 minutes for lunch and the nearest restaurant down the road was 15 minutes away.

I’d also make damned sure the Company didn’t subsidize anything, so that I could mark up my prices exorbitantly.  In fact, I’d charge even MORE than that same restaurant down the road.

I’d have a huge mural showing brightly-colored photos of the freshest fruit and produce, glistening with morning dew….which would in NO WAY would resemble the soggy fare I’d be serving in plastic cups.

I’d use bread as filler for the hamburgers….but I wouldn’t even bother trying to hide it.   No…I’d deliberately leave the bread in 1/4-inch sized chunks, so that everyone can see them embedded in the burger, like so many grease-soaked croutons.

I’d make sure there were no ready-made sandwiches to eat, not like most places have.   This way,  anyone who’s in a rush would have to wait in line for 10 minutes, while we’d make each and every sandwhich on demand.    Which would also be more expensive than Subway.

By the way, if anyone wanted a slice of processed cheese on one of these sandwiches, I’d charge a dollar…(A DOLLAR)!

I’d start putting out pizza on the rotating heat-trays at 10:30 AM, so that by the time it’s 12 Noon, the melted cheese would have the consistency of a soccer ball.   (Providing there’s any pizza left, at this point.)

I’d make sure to foster feelings of mistrust with the customers.   If someone came to the cash with a Styrofoam container, I’d make them open it, to prove they were buying just the toast like they said they were, and not trying to pull a fast one.

I’d also post signs pointing out the napkins and straws and condiments are for “paying customers only”.  Just to make sure that anyone brown-bagging their lunch didn’t get any ideas.   (Never mind that there’s nowhere else on-site to sit down and eat…that’s irrelevant!)

I’d further discourage brown-baggers by having (maybe) 4 working microwaves, for a staff of 2500.    I’d post more signs, saying that if the microwaves were not kept clean, they would be removed.

I’d make getting free water as inconvenient as possible.    There would only be two available water coolers located at the far end of the eating area, and I’d only leave out thimble-sized drinking glasses.   This way, people might get fed up and would be more prone to buying my over-priced beverages.

If the toaster-conveyor-belt machine broke, where it only browned one side of the bread, I’d make sure it didn’t get fixed for at least three months.  Maybe four.

If someone came in at the end of the day, and there was tons of food in the hot trays waiting to be thrown out,  I’d still serve them a regulation-sized portion…and not ONE iota more.

I’d post a sign proudly stating that we apply FME Principles.     “Foreign Material Exclusion” is important, if you want to avoid getting thumbtacks in the soup again.

I’d make sure the doors and metal cupboards were locked at night, to keep the raccoons out of the food.  Because those varmints somehow always manage to break in.

One last thing.  I’d pay my staff shit.   So that they became just as jaded and burnt out as my customers were.



How would you run YOUR Shittiest Cafeteria in the World?

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15 Comments on “The Shittiest Cafeteria in the World.”

  1. Eyeteaguy Says:


    I go home for lunch. Where I eat leftovers from the wonderful meals my wife cooked the night before!

    You are right, your life sucks.


  2. Brett Legree Says:

    Yeah, but the breakfast there is good.

    And when I eat leftovers, they’re from meals I cook.

    Yeah, that’s right. I’m the cook in our house.

    That way, I get what I want and I know who to blame when it sucks. And I also make enough so there are leftovers.

  3. Friar Says:

    Whatever do you mean?

    This doesnt’ necessarily have anything to do with me. This is what I’d HYPOTHETICALLY do…if I was in charge.

    Yeah, but I see what your leftover lunches are. It’s totally all depends on what the four Brettlings decide leave behind for you. (Not to mention, now Walter’s in the equation).

    Some days you come in shit like half a potato, 1 deviled egg, and three Sweet’n’Low packages. 😉

  4. Brett Legree Says:

    That’s what *used* to happen when I didn’t cook!

  5. LOL. Sounds like the Target Cafe. 🙂

  6. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Wee Friar,

    I notAiced the following result in “Possibly related posts (automatically generated”

    “The Six Day War 1967: Jordan and Syria”

    What the heck?? How did a rant on Cafeteria Food create The Six Day War post?

  7. Friar Says:

    Wait another few years…when you’ll have three teenage Viking males to feed. (They’ll kill you in your sleep, for food, if you dont’ watch it). 😉

    @Blogger Dad
    That sounds like something from the Big City. I think I’d have to drive at least 100 miles to find something like that.

    @Friar’s Mom.
    I know, eh? Go FIGURE (??)

    What’s even funnier, is that some people deliberately try to add key words to their blogs, to target these search engines, so that they can get more readers.

    And lots of peole write books about it…and try to sell them for lots of $$$$…to teach other people to do the same.

    This example just goes to show you how well that can system can work.

  8. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Well then, hypothetically your lfe sucks.

    And Brett? When did all this gourmet start? Last time I was there Walter and I shared his bowl while you gave your kids the .22 to go find some dinner.


  9. Friar Says:


    No, just my hypothetical lunchtime sucks, when I don’t bring my own sammitches.

    And ask Brett about the time Walter tried to eat a bowl full of Lego.

  10. Brett Legree Says:

    Yes, but Walter is much bigger now, so you can’t share his bowl.

    Plus, the kids have been practicing with spears over the winter, so they’ll be hunting around town at night.

    Friar, lock your doors and windows…

  11. Friar Says:


    Sigh. There goes the neighborhood.

  12. Brett Legree Says:

    Heh heh that’s a Body Count song (“There Goes The Neighborhood”)

  13. And here I thought being self-employed was a good thing. If I had known that working folks get perks like that, I would have given up this nonsense years ago.

    You lucky stiff!

  14. Brett Legree Says:

    Yeah Tony, we’ve “got it good” heh heh heh…

  15. Friar Says:

    Let’s trade jobs for a week, and compare! 😉

    You’re right. After all, isn’t our work place WORLD CLASS?

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