Things I’m apparently supposed to get excited about, but am NOT.
17-grain wholesome goodness. Which contains enough oat kernels, wheat stalks and sunflower shells to sand-blast your colon to a mirror-like finish.
“Eat it…it’s good for you“, they tell me.
It will clean me out. Lower my cholesterol. Make me a better human being. Solve Global Warming.
The thing is…people taste things differently. There’s no right or wrong…it’s just how our brains are wired to our tongues.
And to me, whole-wheat tastes bitter.
Which as far as I’m concerned, is my body’s way of telling me “Don’t eat that.”
So to any Food-Police out there, try to wrap this around your head this:
I DON’T LIKE IT!!!
Stop trying to convert me.
Pointless Home Renovations
By double-incomer types, who’s fantastic brand-new home is already ten times better than anything you’ll ever afford.
But apparently it’s still not good enough .
So they rip apart the whole damned thing and spend the next 5 years living on a construction site.
And whenever you visit, you’ll get the Mandatory House Tour: painstaking room by painstaking room, of what was done, and what will be done.
During which, you’re supposed to Oooh and Ahhh while they preen.
But it’s not like they learned new skills, poured their heart into it, and actually did the work themselves.
No…the only thing they’ve accomplished is that they’re rich enough to hire someone ELSE to do it.
Congratulations, you win.
But really….it’s just accumulating more STUFF.
Photos of Kids I don’t’ know, from people I don’t know
I think I must be missing some crucial parental instincts. Because when people send me photos of kids who aren’t even theirs, I don’t give a flying fox-fart.
Nor do I feel the urge to jump upon the Mommy-Blogger band-wagon and leave the mandatory “Awwwwwww…Cute!”
If these were close friends, and the photos were of their kids, who I’d actually meet one day, that’s different.
But otherwise, you might as well just google “children”, and cut and paste any of the random photos that come up.
Means the same to me, basically.
People who brag about their real estate investment
Seniors are especially good at this.
“When I bought this house back in Ought Six, I paid two bags of flour for it. Now it’s worth over a $750,000, Thank You Very Much”.
Again, congratulations, you win.
And thank you for reminding me that I was born too late to be able to benefit from affordable housing in the post-war boom.
But you know, I don’t like to talk about my accumulation of material possessions.
So try to imagine how talking about YOUR accumulation of material possessions interests me even LESS.
Who wins the Hockey Game.
Don’t get me wrong. I like a good game.
But it’s not like I”m going to paint my face in team colors, and wear-sack cloth and ashes if they don’t make the play-offs.
Because what’s actually involved, when you think about it?
A billionaire selects a small group of athletes from around the whole continent, and pays them millions to chase a piece of frozen rubber on the ice.
And they compete against another billionaire’s group of millionaires, trying to do the same thing.
This makes my life better, and validates which town I live in…HOW?
Inspirational stories that you couldn’t possible live up to.
Like Little Timmy who fell down the well and lost all his arms and legs. Who fought back tears and ridicule. But through sheer guts and determination, became the High School Tiddly-Wink Captain.
Doesn’t his story inspire you? Doesn’t’ his story put things in perspective, and make you realize how lucky you are?
And shouldn’t we all strive to be like Little Timmy?
Well, $&#* Little Timmy.
Good for him..but that’s his life. He’s not living mine. I am.
Besides, we don’t know the whole story. Maybe Timmy has issues.
Like, maybe he’s a a total a-hole when he’s not playing tiddly winks.
Or he beats up his cat. We don’t know.
Dubious Book Reviews
“Top Twelve Tips to Optimize your Belly Button Lint Using SEO Branding Strategies in an Affiliate Market Environment“
When people tell me they absolutely LOVED this book, I get a bit skeptical.
This is what you honestly like to read in your free time? ….Seriously?
Or do you like this book, because you’ll get a cut for every sale you help generate?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Glory-Heroes who Climb Mt. Everest
Hey, if you want to do the equivalent of stepping out of a jet plane at 30,000 feet, and slowly letting your brain swell and suffocate, fine.
But don’t expect me to worship you.
Because I’m too busy playing my guitar, painting, or doing other things that require opposable thumbs.
Which didn’t freeze off, by the way. a
No, I will NOT see this movie.
I will not, I will not, I will NOT.
Because the Oscars and a lot of people tell me I should.
Which, of course, makes me want to see it even LESS.
(Yes, I know I’m being a stubborn dick.)
But I’m going to allow myself that luxury.
This is all some people write about, and nothing else.
Makes you wonder what their thought process is.
1. Everyone is all depressed and messed up, looking for that ONE thing to lift their spirits…
2. Hmmm…I’ll take it upon myself to copy down 10-15 words from some dead poet. Because NO ONE has ever done this before.
3. This will be JUST the thing these people needed. Those precious words will solve ALL of their Life’s Problems, it’s that simple.
4. People will write to me, bursting into tears of gratitude, and self-awareness. (Thank you…*sob*…THANK you!!!)
But really, it’s just cut-and-paste, when you think of it.
And how hard can that be?