Things I’m apparently supposed to get excited about, but am NOT.


Multi-Grain Bread
17-grain wholesome goodness.  Which contains enough oat kernels, wheat stalks and sunflower shells to sand-blast your colon to a mirror-like finish.

Eat it…it’s good for you“, they tell me.

It will clean me out.   Lower my cholesterol.   Make me a better human being.    Solve Global Warming.

The thing is…people taste things differently.  There’s no right or wrong…it’s just how our brains are wired to our tongues.

And to me, whole-wheat tastes bitter.

Which as far as I’m concerned, is my body’s way of telling me “Don’t eat that.”

So to any Food-Police out there, try to wrap this around your head this:

I DON’T LIKE IT!!!

Stop trying to convert me.

a

Pointless Home Renovations
By double-incomer types, who’s fantastic brand-new home is already ten times better than anything you’ll ever afford.

But apparently it’s still not good enough .

So they rip apart the whole damned thing and spend the next 5 years living on a construction site.

And whenever  you visit, you’ll get the Mandatory House Tour: painstaking room by painstaking room, of what was done, and what will be done.

During which, you’re supposed to Oooh and Ahhh while they preen.

But it’s not like they learned new skills, poured their heart into it, and actually did the work themselves.

No…the only thing they’ve accomplished is that they’re rich enough to hire someone ELSE to do it.

Congratulations, you win.

But really….it’s just accumulating more STUFF.

a

Photos of Kids I don’t’ know, from people I don’t know
I think I must be missing some crucial parental instincts.    Because when people send me photos of kids who aren’t even theirs,  I don’t give a flying fox-fart.

Nor do I feel the urge to jump upon the Mommy-Blogger band-wagon and leave the mandatory  “Awwwwwww…Cute!

If these were close friends, and the photos were of their kids, who I’d actually meet one day, that’s different.

But otherwise, you might as well just google “children”, and cut and paste any of the random photos that come up.

Means the same to me, basically.



People who brag about their real estate investment
Seniors are especially good at this.

“When I bought this house back in Ought Six, I paid two bags of flour for it.    Now it’s worth over a $750,000, Thank You Very Much”.

Again, congratulations, you win.

And thank you for reminding me that I was born too late to be able to benefit from affordable housing in the post-war boom.

But you know, I don’t like to talk about my accumulation of material possessions.

So try to imagine how talking about YOUR accumulation of material possessions interests me even LESS.

a

Who wins the Hockey Game.
Don’t get me wrong.  I like a good game.

But it’s not like I”m going to paint my face in team colors, and wear-sack cloth and ashes if they don’t make the play-offs.

Because what’s actually involved, when you think about it?

A billionaire selects a small group of athletes from around the whole continent, and pays them millions to chase a piece of frozen rubber on the ice.

And they compete against another billionaire’s group of millionaires, trying to do the same thing.

This makes my life better, and validates which town I live in…HOW?

a

Inspirational  stories that you couldn’t possible live up to.
Like Little Timmy who fell down the well and lost all his arms and legs.   Who fought back tears and ridicule.  But through sheer guts and determination, became the High School Tiddly-Wink Captain.

Doesn’t his story inspire you? Doesn’t’ his story put things in perspective, and make you realize how lucky you are?

And shouldn’t we all strive to be like Little Timmy?

Well, $&#* Little Timmy.

Good for him..but that’s his life.  He’s not living mine.   I am.

Besides, we don’t know the whole story.   Maybe Timmy has issues.

Like, maybe he’s a a total a-hole when he’s not playing tiddly winks.

Or he beats up his cat.     We don’t know.

a

Dubious Book Reviews

“Top Twelve Tips to Optimize your Belly Button Lint Using SEO Branding Strategies in an Affiliate Market Environment

When people tell me they absolutely LOVED this book, I get a bit skeptical.

This is what you honestly like to read in your free time? ….Seriously

Or do you like this book,  because you’ll get a cut for every sale you help generate?

Inquiring minds want to know.

a

Glory-Heroes who Climb Mt. Everest
Hey, if you want to do the equivalent of stepping out of a jet plane at 30,000 feet, and slowly letting  your brain swell and suffocate, fine.

But don’t expect me to worship you.

Because I’m too  busy playing my guitar, painting, or doing other things that require opposable thumbs.

Which didn’t freeze off, by the way.  a


Slum-Dog Millionaire
No, I will NOT see this movie.

I will not, I will not, I will NOT.

Because the Oscars and a lot of people tell me I should.

Which, of course,  makes me want to see it even LESS.

(Yes, I know I’m being a stubborn dick.)

But I’m going to allow myself that luxury.

a

a
Inspirational Quotes
This is all some people write about, and nothing else.

Makes you wonder what their thought process is.

1.   Everyone is all depressed and messed up, looking for that ONE thing to lift their spirits…

2.  Hmmm…I’ll take it upon myself to copy down 10-15 words from some dead poet.  Because NO ONE has ever done this before.

3.  This will be JUST the thing these people needed.   Those precious words will solve ALL of their Life’s Problems, it’s that simple.

4.  People will write to me, bursting  into tears of gratitude, and self-awareness.  (Thank you…*sob*…THANK you!!!)

a

But really, it’s just cut-and-paste, when you think of it.

And how hard can that be?

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30 Comments on “Things I’m apparently supposed to get excited about, but am NOT.”

  1. Karen JL Says:

    Slum-Dog Millionaire?? What friggin’ year is this? Am I in an episode of Lost?

    Photos of kids that aren’t theirs? Who are they then? And who are these people sending them? No one sends *me* pictures of random children. Are these friends of yours?

    And you’re bitching about the .0000000000001% of the population that climbs Mt. Everest? Really? It’s come to this?

    I’m all confused.

  2. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Oh, suuuure. I post all kinds of original artwork and comics, and you dont’ say nothin’.

    But the minute I rant on a topic not to your liking, you jump all over me. 😉

    Well…if you MUST know…

    I recently got into a discussion about Slum Dog, and everyone was saying I should see it.

    As for Everest…I watch a lot of Discovery Channel and National Geographic Channel. They always glorify these Alpine-Tards torturing themselves trying to climb into the Death Zone.

  3. Karen JL Says:

    Who gives a crap about artwork and comics? What am I supposed to say? “Good post”?

    My whole LIFE is artwork and cartoons. Bleh. 😉

    If *you* get to bitch, *I* get to bitch. That’s how it works buddy.

    (And I still don’t understand the pictures of kids thing…)

  4. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    For all I know, you could be Eyeteaguy in disguise, leaving a snarky comment. (He IS usually Firsties, you know).

    The pictures of the kids thing…it does happen to me. Not that often, but it does.

    Oprah-Moms of the World, Forgive Me.

  5. Karen JL Says:

    Only getting a day or two off a month since October and working up to 16 hrs a day *might* be starting to get to me…

    Sarry. 🙂

  6. Amy Says:

    They make 17 grain bread? I didn’t even know there were 17 types of grain. Here I thought 7 grain bread was bad.

    Here’s my contribution: People with clipboards who approach you on the street.

    I’m walking down the street yesterday, and a guy comes up to me and says “Can I ask you a question about your hair?” I say sure. Note, my hair is pulled back in a ponytail and looks like shit. He says “Have you considered a new hairstyle?” Then tells me he works for a salon and they’re running a special. I just get away from this guy, and a chick comes up to me wanting me to sign a petition for some sort of animal rescue thing. I say fine, thinking “sign a petition” means sign my name, when what it really means is fill out a form with all kinds of personal information that will take half an hour. And I have an appointment. No thanks. Then ANOTHER GUY from the same hair salon approaches me with “Can I ask you a question about your hair?” Christ. It took me 10 minutes to walk one block. It was like Twitter-come-to-life.

  7. aliastaken Says:

    I also resisted Slumdog Millionaire and then ended up watching it twice in two days; it was that good.

  8. Brett Legree Says:

    Bread in general isn’t very good for you, same thing with cereals and other grains.

    (I’m sure I’ll start WW3 here with some multi-grain fan, but hear me out.)

    In my own research and personal experience, switching to multi-grain / whole-grain didn’t seem to make much of a difference. Getting rid of it all together made a big difference.

    But the point here is, if you’re going to eat bread or pasta or cereal, just eat what you like, because it’s all crap regardless.

    🙂

    Think about it – if you found yourself in a post-apocalyptic world, what would you do for food? Would you kill and eat animals and fish, and forage for root vegetables, eat fruits and berries? Or would you plant some finicky crop that takes months to grow, then work your ass off harvesting it, to grind it up and then bake it into fluffy loaves? Exactly.

    Just eat a friggin’ steak already!!!


  9. I haven’t seen Slum Dog either. Or Hurt Locker.

    Like you, I don’t plan to. Nor do I pay any attention to the billionaire’s trained pets.

    But tiddlywinks? How DARE you!


  10. I was surprised not to see SXSW on this. If I see one more friggen blog post about SXSW I think I’m going to puke. Enough already. We get that all the cool kids go and we don’t.

  11. Brett Legree Says:

    SXSW is not cool.

    Why?

    Because, if you ask 1,000 random people on the main street of any modern city, “Hey, did you hear what happened at SXSW this year?”, you’ll probably get 1,000 blank stares.

    No one in the real world gives a rat’s ass about the blogosphere.

    They’re either too busy living life, or running real businesses.

  12. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Geez, you need a BREAK!

    But does that mean we’ll be seeing more Kid Vs. Kat cartoons, though? If so, Hooray (…for REAL), then! 🙂

    @Amy
    HAHAHHA! Poor Amy! 🙂

    Good Lord. How do you always manage to attract such people?

    Same thing on Twitter. These idiots seen to want to flock to you, like flies on spit.

    @Brett
    True. Difficult to make the time for bread, when you’re a hunter gatherer.

    Months to grow a stupid crop so you can eat a few loaves of dry crunchy stuf. Or go fishing and trapping, and eat within the day? Tough choice.

    @aliastaken
    I’ve heard similar things this from several people. And I don’t doubt what you say is true.

    But I still won’t watch it. Just because. 😉

    @Tony
    Sorry, I didnt’ realize you were a Tiddly Wink fan.

    But, I never even realized there was such a movie as Hurt Locker, until I heard that it won Best Picture. And I still don’t know what it’s about.

    And I’m quite PROUD of that, actually.

    @Betsy
    I know….WTF is SXSW? (Not that I really care…).

    I supposed it’s the latest Flavor-of-the-Month. And yet one more potential Time-Suck for people to waste their time on.

    @Brett
    …same thing would apply, if you took the Top 5 coolest “Cool Kid” bloggers.

    If fact, I bet you a big chunk of those 1000 people wouldn’t even know (or cared) what a blog WAS.

  13. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I’m sorry. I was too busy playing at the park with my kids, having a BBQ with friends and reading a good magazine to participate in this conversation.

    Yeesh, I’m gonna go live in the woods. Society has gone off the deep end.

    Eyerealguy

  14. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    You too can learn from your own post.

    I googled SXSW and discovered the following: It’s a giant festival held in Austin, Texas, during Spring Break. It is comprised of Music, Film, and Interactive showcases. It’s a week of crowded bars, free stuff (and often free alcohol), thousands of concerts, afterparties, and no parking. Although it is held primarily downtown in clubs and bars, many coffee shops, clothing stores, back alleys, and parks also turn into packed music venues.

  15. CaptainPush Says:

    Slum-Dog? Hell, I’ve been roundly criticized and called a dinosaur because I haven’t seen Titanic.
    I’m digging in my heels. I’ll probably NEVER watch it.

    Not to ruin it for you but the ship sank.

  16. Brett Legree Says:

    Pansy. I made breakfast *and* lunch for my family, went to *TWO* different parks, walked the dog twice, got my haircut and one of the kids, and *still* had time to take part in this conversation 🙂

    I think SXSW is trying to be what Burning Man and Lollapalooza used to be, and whatever the hell came before that, and that, and that.

    Obviously I’m not cool enough to give a shit.

    Which is okay, because I don’t give a shit.

    And it isn’t because I’m not “up” on technology and so forth, I’m so far ahead of those shitheads that my excrement knows more about tech than all of them put together.

  17. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Captain Push,

    I date myself when I say I saw the first Titanic movie in 1953. Unsinkable luxury liner, laden with chandeliers and wealthy people, collides with iceberg and sinks.

    I have no desire to see the second one–same plot, same disaterous outcome.

  18. Brett Legree Says:

    I think we need to make a new Titanic movie, with Nazi Zombies.

  19. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy
    I dunno. This “Firsties” thing is kind of slipping, with you. Somehow I don’t think you want it bad enough, anymore.

    @Friar’s Mom
    Thanks for clearing that up.

    But doesn’t it kind of worry you, when you know more about stuff like SXSW than your own son does?

    @Captain Push
    Brett was telling me that there was another movie that’s very similar to Slum Dog. It came out first, and apparently it’s supposed to be a much better movie.

    So basically, that Slum-Dog thing is a knock-off. But it’s the one that Hollywood decided to push down our throats, and that’s why it won.

    Perhaps Brett can elaborate.

    @Brett
    10 years from now, SXSW will no longer be the Flavor-of-the-Year. They’ll replace it with something else.

    Skull-Druggery. Cheese-a-thon. Or Douche-Man, or something.

    @Friar’s Mom

    If I recall, the Ice Berg did it.

  20. Brett Legree Says:

    The other movie is called ‘Amal’, it was made a year before Slumdog. The story is not exactly the same but the concept is very similar, a rags-to-riches in India thing.

    It is believed by many to be the superior film.

    I still vote for Titanic with Nazi Zombies, myself.

  21. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    I know that you know that I know that you know more than I do. You’re a very prolific reader who reads everything from candy wrappers, to comic books to outer space.

    I’m just curious by nature. If I don’t know something I ask or look it up on Google. I also learned about Snopes from you.

  22. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Didn’t Céline sing the soundtrack for the Nazi-Zombies one?

    @Friar’s Mom
    It’s surprising, how much of my formal education has come from cereal boxes.

  23. Brett Legree Says:

    Yeah, that’s the one called “Your Braaaaiiinnnsss Will Go On”…

  24. Davina Says:

    I saw Slumdog only because a friend had a copy. We stopped watching after the first 20 minutes. Hated it.

    Until I read this, I’d never heard of SXSW. And I don’t even WANT to know what it is. My life is just peachy not knowing, thank you very much.

    Oh… and MULTI-grain bread huh?! And WHAT were we just talking about on Twitter the other day? Sammiches made WITH multi-grain bread.

    Best part of this post? The HOO-ray 🙂 LOL

  25. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    YESSSS! Finally!

    It’s rare enough to find anyone who doesn’t like the movie…but even rarer to find a women who will admit it.

    But then again, you also liked Tenacious D (as did I). We obviously share the same movie tastes. 🙂

    And I didn’t know what SXSW was either. I saw it mentionned on Twitter, but I couldn’t be bothered to find out what it was.

  26. XUP Says:

    I’ve been out of the country and don’t care about anything anymore. Except bread. I like bread. I know Brett is right about bread…except the post-apocalyptic thing because then there probably wouldn’t be much to hunt or gather either except rats and cockroaches. So probably we should start getting used to eating those.

  27. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    Bet you’re just DELIGHTED to be back, eh? 😦

  28. Patricia Says:

    I would love to have a piece of bread…but no it is not on the list right now…maybe never.
    Have seen almost 0 movies….
    though…when I could go to dress rehearsals for the Opera and Musicals for 50 cents in NYC. I went nearly every Tuesday.
    I will just say that the Medical Intuitive I saw last year was 100% correct about everything she figured out, but my insurance would stop covering me if I continued to see her….I did stop driving after my visits to her per you and your mum’s advice…
    and I am truly grateful for Davina not only for her right on comments, but I love talking to her once a week on the phone – amazing woman, amazing woman and funny too 🙂

  29. Friar Says:

    @Patricia

    I’m very glad you stopped driving after your appointments! Last year, I was getting worried! So were a few others.

    But you should see a few more movies. Not all of them are bad.

    My latest recommendation is “Astro Boy”.

  30. Patricia Says:

    Actually, I stopped going to the DR so I could go on the UK tour for my birthday, but now have had to stop doing almost everything – liver infection and adrenal burn out. I was worried about me! If I had more funds I would still be going to the MI because she, well both of them, were excellent and I truly made progress.

    I am watching a BBC TV series called the Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency right now – very simple stories with exquisite photography of Africa…My kids got me a once a week comes to mail box DVD program.
    I will add Astro Boy to the list – I am sure my kids will enjoy that entry!
    I would like to see the new Alice In Wonderland for the creative effects – folks are so talented these days. I saw Julie and Julia 4 times in the theater because JC got my through my first childhood cancer surgery healing and she is very funny. The book is better, but at $12 a movie I just don’t go to the playhouses.


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