My Self-Improvement Checklist
Okay, let me go through my checklist for today:
– No sugar.
– No trans fats.
– No bottled water.
– No high-fructose corn syrup.
– No white bread.
– No caffeine.
– No chocolate (unless it’s free-trade).
– No veggies (unless they’re organic).
– No red meat (wait…better make that no meat, PERIOD).
– No salmon that’s farmed.
– No alcohol (except one glass of red wine every 4 months).
– No fast food (especially the KFC Double Down, which is ruining Civilization as We Know It).
– No forgetting to recycle.
– No TV.
– No violent video games.
– No driving my car (think of the carbon footprint)!
– No even HAVING a car.
– No having a dog. (Isn’t that supposed to leave a carbon footprint the size of 100 Hummers)?
– No paper towels or toilet paper that’s bleached (in fact, try to avoid using TP altogether).
– No flushing the toilet too much.
– No long hot showers.
– No watering the lawn.
– No going to the mall to buy stuff (materialism = BAD)! We would be just as happy living in a one-bedroom apartment sitting on hardwood floors with just our lap-tops.
– No buying new clothes (the urine-soaked hand-me-downs at the charity store are good enough).
– No living where I am, in a house with a back yard (thus contributing to urban sprawl).
– No excuses for not exercising (I better put in my 15-km run today)!
– No being overweight. (I also must remember to sincerely apologize to society for being a drain on the Health Care system).
– No smoking (that would make me worse than Hitler)!
– No thinking skinny women on magazine covers are attractive. (Because that just perpetuates unreasonable standards of beauty leading to low female self-esteem and eating disorders).
– No thinking busty women are attractive either. (Because that just perpetuates unreasonable standards of beauty, leading to women having needless plastic surgery).
– No complaining about not liking my job (because by now, I should have self-actualized and have found a career that makes me weep with unabashed joy whenever Monday morning comes around).
– No earning too much money (again, materialism = BAD). This is the reason people are unhappy. Too much money.
– No feeling down-in-the-dumps. (Because if I feel this way, it’s because I CHOOSE to be. It’s all MY fault!)
– No getting mad about anything (it just drains energy that could otherwise be used towards self-actualizing).
– No failing to be inspired by stories of others who succeed (I should be HAPPY for them. And it should change my life to hear about it).
– And finally, NO writing snarky blog posts, poking fun at the Good People who live by this list and brag about it.
…Because we should all try to be more like them.