My Self-Improvement Checklist

Okay, let me go through my checklist for today:

– No sugar.

– No trans fats.

– No bottled water.

– No high-fructose corn syrup.

– No white bread.

– No caffeine.

– No chocolate (unless it’s free-trade).

– No veggies (unless they’re organic).

– No red meat (wait…better make that no meat, PERIOD).

– No salmon that’s  farmed.

– No alcohol (except one glass of red wine every 4 months).

– No fast food (especially the KFC Double Down, which is ruining Civilization as We Know It).

– No forgetting to recycle.

– No TV.

– No violent video games.

– No driving  my car (think of the carbon footprint)!

– No even HAVING a car.

– No having a dog.  (Isn’t that supposed to leave a carbon footprint the size of 100 Hummers)?

– No paper towels or toilet paper that’s bleached (in fact, try to avoid using TP altogether).

– No flushing the toilet too much.

– No long hot showers.

– No watering the lawn.

– No going to the mall to buy stuff  (materialism = BAD)!  We would be just as happy living in a one-bedroom apartment sitting on hardwood floors with just our lap-tops.

– No buying new clothes (the urine-soaked hand-me-downs at the charity store are good enough).

– No  living where I am, in a house with a back yard (thus contributing to urban sprawl).

– No excuses for not exercising (I better put in my 15-km run today)!

– No being overweight.  (I also must remember to sincerely apologize to society for being a drain on the Health Care system).

– No smoking (that would make me worse than Hitler)!

–  No thinking skinny women on magazine covers are attractive.  (Because that  just perpetuates unreasonable standards of beauty leading to low female self-esteem and eating disorders).

–  No thinking busty women are attractive either.  (Because that just perpetuates unreasonable standards of beauty, leading to women having needless plastic surgery).

– No complaining about not liking my job (because by now, I should have self-actualized and have found a career that makes me weep with unabashed joy whenever Monday morning comes around).

– No earning too much money (again, materialism = BAD).   This is the reason people are unhappy.   Too much money.

– No feeling down-in-the-dumps.  (Because if I feel this way, it’s because I CHOOSE to be.   It’s all MY fault!)

– No getting mad about anything (it just drains energy that could otherwise be used towards self-actualizing).

– No failing to be inspired by stories of others who succeed  (I should be HAPPY for them.   And it should change my life to hear about it).

– And finally, NO writing snarky blog posts, poking fun at the Good People who live by this list and brag about it.

…Because we should all try to be more like them.

Explore posts in the same categories: Friar's Grab Bag

17 Comments on “My Self-Improvement Checklist”

  1. Brett Legree Says:

    My self-improvement checklist for today included two barbecued pork sausages, two grilled portobellos stuffed with mozzarella, tomatoes and garlic.

    With a glass of red wine as a chaser…

  2. Friar Says:


    heh heh. I’m just glad that for self-improvement, you didn’t quote Tyler Durden. 😉

  3. Kelvin Kao Says:

    After going through the list, I was wondering if you did anything at all today.

  4. Friar's Mom Says:


    Yes he did something. He cycled with his mom on a 20k bike ride. It was her first ride on the road since that fatal day in June 2009–the day she crashed and broke herself.

  5. Viking Thunder Says:

    Dont forget polution, so no belching or farting. Cows may get away with it, but you sir do not get a free pass expelling all those green house gasses.

    Speak of which, CO2 isnt that good either. So you best exhale directly into a plant only. Less it heat up the air.

    You might as well just stop breathing. Your inhaling is killing untold numbers of spores.

    My god man.. how can you live with the horros youve commited.

  6. Kelvin Kao Says:

    Good for you, Friar’s mom! 🙂

  7. Friar Says:

    Nope…after I went through this list, it didnt’ leave me with very much to do.

    @Friar’s Mom
    Just promise me you won’t do any more endo’s at 30 km/h, okay?

    @Viking Thunder
    No belching or farting? Awww…I was willing to give up all the other stuff, but NOT belching and farting. Surely not THOSE, Jacques!

    Maybe there should be gas-masks that we exhale into. That direct the CO2 underground where it can be sequestered.

    Friar’s Mom can kick my arse. She’s been building up her endurance on her stationary compu-trainer for months.

  8. Karen Swim Says:

    No printing this list because it’s bad for the environment. From a good person who lives by any items on the list but maintains a good healthy sense of humor. 🙂

  9. seestor Says:

    Point taken.

  10. Friar Says:


    Ohh….this wasn’t directed at anyone specifically.

    Just that there’s been a lot of “lecturing” lately out there in BlogoLand about what we’re “supposed” to do (or “not supposed” to do).

    What I did want to point out is that we need to lighten up. If all of us followed everything on this list, ideally, theoretically, yes, it would be great. The World would be a Better Place.

    But how much fun would life be, then, if we didnt’ occasionally allow ourselves some of life’s guilty pleasures?

    Besides, this post wasnt’ directed against peole who quietly live according to these principles. It’s a comment toward those who smugly brag about it and have to announce it to the whole planet. There’s huge difference there.

    (And I”m pretty sure we all know people like that…don’t we?) 🙂

  11. Brett Legree Says:

    Belching and farting is okay, so long as you have wind powered generators positioned adjacent to your pie hole and your ice hole, to feed the power back into the grid.

    Greens FTW!!!

    Ecclesiastes viii. 15 Then I commended mirth, because a man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry: for that shall abide with him of his labour the days of his life, which God giveth him under the sun.

    Isaiah xxii. 13 And behold joy and gladness, slaying oxen, and killing sheep, eating flesh, and drinking wine: let us eat and drink; for to morrow we shall die.

    (If it’s in the Good Book, it must be right.)

  12. Eyeteaguy Says:

    –What Seestor said–


    P.S. I’m siding with her beause she’s hot and I’m lonely.

  13. Friar Says:

    Sounds good to me. (I just won’t look any futher for passages that imply the direct opposite). 😉

    Oh, C’mon! You don’t even know what she LOOKS like.

    But, (speaking from a purely-detached-brother-point of view) yes, I would have to say, my Seestor is good-looking. (And extremely fit) .

  14. Eyeteaguy Says:


    Well, we’ll see about that!


    You can eat what ever the heck you want. Its working, you are HOT!

  15. Viking Thunder Says:

    @Brett I myself power 2 city blocks that way. And im self sustaining because I use my carbon off-set credits to buy tacos!

  16. Friar Says:

    She’s run a few marathons, plus an Iron Man.

    TRUST me…she’s fit.

    @Viking Thunder
    Unfortunately, the nearest Taco-Bell is a 35 minute drive. So the carbon footprint of getting there off-sets any benefits I create by generating my own wind.

    There’s plenty of greasy poutine where I live. But the just makes you feel like crap, and doesn’t generate any appreciable gas volume.

  17. Friar Says:


    I’ve been known to live by SOME of these items. (Sometimes.)

    But shhhh. Dont’ tell anybody.

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