Archive for May 2010

How I Was Neglected and Abused as a Child

May 31, 2010

Firecrackers were available, and parents allowed us to play with them.   It was tolerated.

Mommy didn’t hold my hand walk me to the bus stop each and every day.  And she didn’t fretfully wait with me until the bus picked me up.   After the first two days of kindergarten, I was left to walk those two blocks…alone.

Bicycle helmets?  WHAT bicycle helmets?

Teachers were allowed to TOUCH you.    By that, I mean, they might have  patted you on the shoulder or something.   Today they’d be arrested for that.

If we misbehaved, teachers would also threaten to send us to the Principal, where you could get THE STRAP.

If you were stupid in school, you got bad marks.   Or they’d threaten to fail you.

Lucky Charms only had four different kinds of marshmallow, dammit.  And the marshmallows ran out long before the cereal did.

If your sports team sucked, you lost all the time.   Nobody tried to salvage your self-esteem by putting limits on how many points the other team was allowed to beat you by.  Life was cruel.

That bastard Disney showed us Old Yeller getting shot on TV.   

I also didn’t have safe, preachy cartoons like the Urinestain Berenstain Bears to teach me Politcally-Correct moral values, like cleaning up after yourself or doing your homework.   Instead, I was forced to watch cartoon animals try to inflict massive head trauma, or blow each other up with dynamite.

The Fisher-Price Little People were everywhere.  They were thumb-sized.   Good Lord…I could have choked.

Breakfast cereals gave out small prizes like plastic cars, whistle or puzzles.  Good Lord…I could have choked.  

Toy guns looked like the real thing,  thus glorifying firearms and violence.  It’s a wonder more of us don’t have a criminal records today.

Candy was not guaranteed to be “peanut-free”.

Our family vacations didn’t involve Disney Land or getting on a plane somewhere.   All we did was lame-ass car-camping, or visit my Uncle’s cottage.     Looking back, I should have reported my parents to Child Protective Services for that.

 We were allowed to eat chocolate and bubble-cigarettes, that were sold in packages that looked the real thing.   I’ve never smoked in my life.  But still…I easily COULD have.

I rode my bike, climbed trees and hiked in the woods…UNSUPERVISED.

In December, they actually encouraged us to use (gasp!) the Dreaded “C-Word”.   We had Christmas trees and Christmas pageants.

Nobody made “play-dates” with me.   I had to find my own friends.   Not only that, but my play-time was unscheduled, unsupervised, and spontaneous.   I feel deprived.

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This is why I have a 4WD and not a Lame-Ass Smart Car

May 29, 2010

Two words:

Yee.  

Haw.

Viking Warehouse Clearance Sale!

May 27, 2010

VIKING DONUTS

Are you Norseman enough to eat these?   Comes in three flavours:  Armour-plated, Spiked-Mace Crûller, and Molten-Lead Filled (with sprinkles).

Price:   5 bronze pieces a dozen.

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WEEK-OLD COD

Perfect for a low-budget nutritious meal.   Or for smacking negligent husbands with.

Price:   1 silver piece

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ASSORTED THRALLS

Our stockade is filled with these surplus captives, left over from our last conquest.   Great for helping out with the household chores or yard work.

Price:  5 guilders each, or an equivalent livestock animal in barter.

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BOOTS OF MEAT

HYARGGHH!  Is there nothing more tough, more Viking-like, than boots made of RAW MEAT?  

 Will keep your feet warm, or feed you in a pinch, should you become lost at sea.

Price:   25 Kröners.
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HOME FIRST AID KIT 


Why barter a months’ worth of plundering to the Village Elder to cure your battle wounds, when you can do it yourself?  Comes with a rusty amputation saw,  tar to cauterize the bloody stump, and a small cauldron to boil the tar in.

Price:   15 Kröners 

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NOVELTY RUBBER SWORD

Imagine the look on your comrade-in-arms’ face, when he’s fighting to the death, and you slip him this useless weapon.  You’ll be the life of the party and your clansmen will laugh “Hyärgen Hyärgen Hyärgen” all the way to Valhalla.

Price:   10 bronze pieces.  Or a real sword, in exchange.
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EAU DE LUTEFISK

Enhance your delicate feminine aroma with this delightful perfume made of codfish soaked in brine and lye.   Your man will barely be able to contain himself, or his lunch.

Price:  3 Sheep, and a goat.  

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DUAL SKULL DRINKING HELMET 
  

What better way to attend your favorite pillaging event, while enjoying the beverage of your choice drunken out of the skulls of your fallen enemies?

Price:   5 Kröners. (Mead not included).

God Forbid Should The Movies Ever Show…

May 27, 2010

…a 115-lb. female who’s not a martial arts expert, and who can’t beat the crap out of a Neanderthal male three times her size.

…a sheriff from the Deep South who’s respected, honest and intelligent, not to mention physically fit.

…a bad guy who restrains their victim with handcuffs behind the back, like the cops do.  (As opposed to the hands in front,  where the captive will invariably grab and gun and fight back and thwart the bad guys’ evil plans). 

…factories that aren’t fully automated, but have workers and supervisors present, and manufacture something more tangible than steam and sparks.

…a 70-mph car crash where someone gets seriously injured and needs to be taken away by an ambulance.

…a hero who gets shot and is still in serious pain 30 seconds later. 

…a school teacher posted in a tough inner city school, trying to reach the street kids, but fails to do so, and quits in disgust as they’re tired of being repeatedly assaulted and threatened.      

…a woman (and/or) visible minority who tries to make it in a white-male-dominated profession or sport, but they only do average.

…serious groin injuries that aren’t funny. 

…a death scene that’s instant and quick, without the slow motion and without the female voice singing mournfully in the background.

…a Spring Break scene where (God forbid) not everyone is a perfect ten.  There might even be some eights or sevens.   

…a rope suspension bridge that’s in good repair, and doesn’t fall apart when being used to cross a deep chasm.

…a computer network that’s secure enough that it takes more than someone tapping on a keyboard for 10 seconds to hack into.

…a computer hacker who isn’t some self-educated teenage prodigy, but is someone with several degrees in computer science and decades of programming experience.

…a family comedy where the Mom is a total idiot instead of the Dad.

…a helicopter that doesn’t crash and burst into flames. 

…a high school where the students are between 14 and 18 years old,  and not 25-30.

…explosions that travel faster than a person can run.  

…snot-nosed 8-year-old kids who aren’t geniuses and can’t outsmart his parents.  

….a dog that whines and barks and makes dog sounds, and doesn’t groan or sigh or grumble with like a human does.  

…rich ivy league college students that aren’t conceited arrogant douchebags, but are actually nice people. 

…a prison warden who’s fair and just.

…an object being thrown off-camera, which isnt’ followed the sounds of a crash and a  cat caterwauling in anger.

…a U.S. Army General who listens to the Scientist’s warning of doom, and takes corrective measures to avert the impending problem.

…a new movie that isn’t based on (a) a comic book character;  (b)  an old TV show;  (c) a remake of an old movie;  or (d) a remake of (a), (b), or (c).

Some Brief Job Descrpitions

May 20, 2010

The Queen of England


– Wear circa 1962 coats, with matching hat + gloves.
– Wave your hand during the opening of shopping Malls, Olympic games, etc.
– Appear on coins. 
– Feed your Corgis.

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Newton the Centaur

– Wait around for danger, and then summon Herc with your Moon-beam belt
– Neigh gleefully when Herc arrives.
– Provide real-time narration while Herc gets pummeled by the monster, always repeating yourself.
– Remind Herc to use his ring,  to use his ring!  Then neigh gleefully when he wins the battle.

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Typical Smurf


– Go around singing “La-la, La-La-la-Lah” all day.
– Avoid Gargamel.
– Open exploding packages that Jokey gives you.
– Fantasize about the one Smurfette in the whole Smurf village.

 

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Hal from 2001 Space Odyssey

– Maintain navigational control and life support systems for the ship.
– Kill one of the crew members.
– Refuse to open the pod bay doors.
– Sing “Daisy” when your CPU is being dismantled.
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aObsessive Duck-Toller

– Sniff around, and search for something to retrieve.
– When you’ve found it, yap at it incessantly, until a human throws it.
– Retrieve it, working yourself up into a frenzy.
– Repeat Steps 1 to 3,  Ad infinitum.
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Twitter Addict

– Jam a pencil into your nose, severing your frontal lobe from your cerebral cortex.
– Think random, inane thought, that nobody gives a flying fox-fart about except you.
– Feel the need to announce these thoughts to the planet, in 140 characters or less.
– When in doubt, quote someone famous.
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Asshole Squirrel

– Chew the humans’ wood shed, backyard deck and garage door.
– Sit on top of your perch, like the arrogant rodent you are
– Chatter indignantly at everyone that passes by, even if they’re 100 times your size.
– Retreat and shut up when the kids throw dirt clumps at you.  But only for 2 seconds.
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aGrumpy Old Man down the Street

Wear mis-matching brightly colored golf clothes. 
Rake the leaves as they fall.  Individually.
Use the garden hose to constantly keep the driveway moist.
Grumble at the God-damned kids who wont’ stay offa your lawn.
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Viking Warrior


– Slash and Burn.
– Slay your foes and sire offspring.
– Curdle the blood of your enemies by yelling “NYARGGH!!”
– When in doubt, invade England or France.

Been Fishin’…

May 18, 2010

With Friar’s Mom, after work.   

First time in a canoe together, since her bicycle accident last year. . .

We got some, too. 

Untitled

May 6, 2010


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Sigh.

I give up.