Some Brief Job Descrpitions

The Queen of England

– Wear circa 1962 coats, with matching hat + gloves.
– Wave your hand during the opening of shopping Malls, Olympic games, etc.
– Appear on coins. 
– Feed your Corgis.


Newton the Centaur

– Wait around for danger, and then summon Herc with your Moon-beam belt
– Neigh gleefully when Herc arrives.
– Provide real-time narration while Herc gets pummeled by the monster, always repeating yourself.
– Remind Herc to use his ring,  to use his ring!  Then neigh gleefully when he wins the battle.


Typical Smurf

– Go around singing “La-la, La-La-la-Lah” all day.
– Avoid Gargamel.
– Open exploding packages that Jokey gives you.
– Fantasize about the one Smurfette in the whole Smurf village.



Hal from 2001 Space Odyssey

– Maintain navigational control and life support systems for the ship.
– Kill one of the crew members.
– Refuse to open the pod bay doors.
– Sing “Daisy” when your CPU is being dismantled.

aObsessive Duck-Toller

– Sniff around, and search for something to retrieve.
– When you’ve found it, yap at it incessantly, until a human throws it.
– Retrieve it, working yourself up into a frenzy.
– Repeat Steps 1 to 3,  Ad infinitum.

Twitter Addict

– Jam a pencil into your nose, severing your frontal lobe from your cerebral cortex.
– Think random, inane thought, that nobody gives a flying fox-fart about except you.
– Feel the need to announce these thoughts to the planet, in 140 characters or less.
– When in doubt, quote someone famous.

Asshole Squirrel

– Chew the humans’ wood shed, backyard deck and garage door.
– Sit on top of your perch, like the arrogant rodent you are
– Chatter indignantly at everyone that passes by, even if they’re 100 times your size.
– Retreat and shut up when the kids throw dirt clumps at you.  But only for 2 seconds.

aGrumpy Old Man down the Street

Wear mis-matching brightly colored golf clothes. 
Rake the leaves as they fall.  Individually.
Use the garden hose to constantly keep the driveway moist.
Grumble at the God-damned kids who wont’ stay offa your lawn.

Viking Warrior

– Slash and Burn.
– Slay your foes and sire offspring.
– Curdle the blood of your enemies by yelling “NYARGGH!!”
– When in doubt, invade England or France.

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19 Comments on “Some Brief Job Descrpitions”

  1. Brett Legree Says:

    I want to be a combination of two of them.

    Call me, OLAF-9000.

    “I’m sorry Dave… NYARGGH!!”

  2. Friar Says:


    It would be like 1010 Sea Odyssey.

  3. Karen JL Says:

    That should totally be a movie.

  4. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    You forgot to mention the Grumpy Old Man doesn’t rake his leaves in the fall, he spends countless hours with his handy leaf blower.

    I live two homes away and on a windy day, my errant leaves often find their way on his lawn.

  5. XUP Says:

    I want to be the Queen of England. I like 1960s fashions and being on money would be cool because then it would be like all the money belonged to me and I could come along and take it any time I wanted to. Also, I’d like to live in a castle and look at the hoi-polloi once a year from really far away (instead of riding with them on the bus every day). I don’t like Corgis though.

  6. Eyeteaguy Says:

    IT Guy

    -install the latest software that no one knows how to use, offer no training

    -pick a random user every day and change their password, make sure you are unavailable to fix it

    -whine to management that you need a new SGDYS.If you don’t get the company could lose all its data, then once you get it lose all the data

    -stare intently as your screen and look annoyed whenever anyone calls, emails or walks into your office, then go back to watching YouTube


  7. Brett Legree Says:

    IT Guy has to watch out for his “arch nemesis”, Steve the Super Villain.

    (He runs Linux.)

  8. Friar Says:

    Plus, I think another advantage is as Queen, you’d get to say “Off with their head!”

    But I can’t picture you in a Queen outfit. I just can’t.

    @Friar’s Mom
    I thought that guy raked up the leaves individually, as they fell.

    If they make an animated version, I’ll give you a call!

    Goody! Can I have that job?

    You Linux guys are all alike.

  9. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    Other than the Queens hat, you neglected to mention her ever-present handbag.

    Curious about the contents of her handbag, I Googled “What’s in the Queen’s purse?” and found the answer.

  10. Brett Legree Says:

    I was thinking that Typical Smurf is a lot like Typical Canadian Nuclear Worker.

    – Go around singing “La-la, La-La-la-Lah” all day.
    – Avoid CNSC.
    – Open redundant work packages that “Guy Smiley” the Director of Engineering gives you.
    – Fantasize about the one hot babe in the whole Plant Site.


    (Might explain a few things… including the booties some of us have to wear.)

  11. XUP Says:

    What CAN you picture me in, Friar? Eh? Huh? Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

  12. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom
    You never cease to amaze me, at the stuff you choose to Google.

    I think there’s TWO hot babes on the whole Widget Factory site. But they’re taken.

    Umm…I dunno. A nun habit? 🙂

  13. Kyddryn Says:

    Hmm…I would like to apply for either Queen of England or Viking Warrior. Where should I send my resume??

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  14. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    You’re amazed? I was more amazed than you were!

    I Googled “What’s in a Queen’s purse” as a lark. I really didn’t expect to find anything. There were 366,000 entries about such a trivial matter.

  15. Friar Says:


    Send your resume to a) Windsor Castle or b) The Village of SmelBaåd, Norway (c/o Village Elder)

    @Friar’s Mom
    Our society has WAY TOO MUCH free time, if people are writing down what’s in the Queen’s purse.

  16. Friar's Mom Says:


    You’re out of luck for the position of Queen of England. Her son Charles is still waiting for her to retire. She’s adamant about hanging on to her throne and scepter.

    I think she aiming to be in the Guiness Book of World Records as the longest reigning monarch. So far Queen Victoria holds the record at 63 years, Elizabeth is at 53.

  17. seestor Says:

    Long live Queen Victoria! Only because I get Monday off in her honour.

    Happy long weekend, Canadian friends. For those in the US, you can rub it in next weekend.


  18. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom
    And these’s longevity in her family. Her mum lived past 100.

    Except in Kay-bec, where it’s Dollard Day!

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