God Forbid Should The Movies Ever Show…

…a 115-lb. female who’s not a martial arts expert, and who can’t beat the crap out of a Neanderthal male three times her size.

…a sheriff from the Deep South who’s respected, honest and intelligent, not to mention physically fit.

…a bad guy who restrains their victim with handcuffs behind the back, like the cops do.  (As opposed to the hands in front,  where the captive will invariably grab and gun and fight back and thwart the bad guys’ evil plans). 

…factories that aren’t fully automated, but have workers and supervisors present, and manufacture something more tangible than steam and sparks.

…a 70-mph car crash where someone gets seriously injured and needs to be taken away by an ambulance.

…a hero who gets shot and is still in serious pain 30 seconds later. 

…a school teacher posted in a tough inner city school, trying to reach the street kids, but fails to do so, and quits in disgust as they’re tired of being repeatedly assaulted and threatened.      

…a woman (and/or) visible minority who tries to make it in a white-male-dominated profession or sport, but they only do average.

…serious groin injuries that aren’t funny. 

…a death scene that’s instant and quick, without the slow motion and without the female voice singing mournfully in the background.

…a Spring Break scene where (God forbid) not everyone is a perfect ten.  There might even be some eights or sevens.   

…a rope suspension bridge that’s in good repair, and doesn’t fall apart when being used to cross a deep chasm.

…a computer network that’s secure enough that it takes more than someone tapping on a keyboard for 10 seconds to hack into.

…a computer hacker who isn’t some self-educated teenage prodigy, but is someone with several degrees in computer science and decades of programming experience.

…a family comedy where the Mom is a total idiot instead of the Dad.

…a helicopter that doesn’t crash and burst into flames. 

…a high school where the students are between 14 and 18 years old,  and not 25-30.

…explosions that travel faster than a person can run.  

…snot-nosed 8-year-old kids who aren’t geniuses and can’t outsmart his parents.  

….a dog that whines and barks and makes dog sounds, and doesn’t groan or sigh or grumble with like a human does.  

…rich ivy league college students that aren’t conceited arrogant douchebags, but are actually nice people. 

…a prison warden who’s fair and just.

…an object being thrown off-camera, which isnt’ followed the sounds of a crash and a  cat caterwauling in anger.

…a U.S. Army General who listens to the Scientist’s warning of doom, and takes corrective measures to avert the impending problem.

…a new movie that isn’t based on (a) a comic book character;  (b)  an old TV show;  (c) a remake of an old movie;  or (d) a remake of (a), (b), or (c).

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7 Comments on “God Forbid Should The Movies Ever Show…”

  1. Kelvin Kao Says:

    … And a car that actually slows down when nobody’s driving it.

    You know, there are lots of action movies that has a scene where the hero stop fighting a bad guy who was driving. They would be fighting, struggling. It was a flat ground. Nobody’s foot was on the gas pedal. And nobody bothered to set the cruise control, of course. But somehow, the car/truck kept going at the same speed (sometimes swerving too) and sometimes even go faster, for some reason.

  2. XUP Says:

    Very good! Don’t forget every car accident ends in an explosion; car chases that end up either going through plate glass and/or upsetting a barrel of fruit and 2 people meeting each other, hating each other for a long time and acting like jackasses and then one day jump each other and frantically make out all the way up in the elevator, slam each other into the apartment door and barely make it into bed — where we next see them perfectly coiffed with their underwear still on and when one of them gets up they take the entire bedsheet with them to wrap up in because god forbid this person they’ve just ravished should see them naked.

  3. Deb Says:

    Friar DAHLING! I love this! Do you realize how many ideas you just gave me? That’s a dangerous thing.

  4. Eyeteaguy Says:

    They should give you a TV show on HBO.

  5. Friar Says:

    @Kelvin
    Cars in action movies are the worst. I could do a whole post about just those.

    @XUP
    I ammend my last comment. I could also write a whole post about movie-romance cliches.

    heh heh. I like the one about the woman wrapping a bedsheet or towel around her. (Oooh, don’t let the guy see her naked, who she’s just boinked!)

    @Deb
    Well, I’m returning the favor. You gave me ideas for my bacon post a while back…

    @Eyeteaguy
    Maybe I should start off small, though. Maybe the CBC.


  6. I always get a kick out of someone being kicked in the head and shaking it off like it was nothing,

    If I manage to land a solid kick on you ANYWHERE, it will hurt like hell, will probably knock you down and could even break bones (yours and mine).

    Or two men pounding each other in the face but somehow there is no blood – not even bloody knuckles!

    I also think it’s bad because it doesn’t teach kids how dangerous real fights can be as they grow up. My brother-in-law put someone in a three day coma from a punch to the head. That could have been deadly.

    Any cop can tell you that two grown men fighting can be very, very bad.

  7. Friar Says:

    @Tony
    Exactly….I remember a story in the Big City local paper. Bar fight…one guy cold-cocks the other guy from behind. Ends up killing him and gets charged with manslaugther.

    As opposed to movie fights, where they exchange a few hundred blows, and get thrown onto shart metal furniture or smash through plate-glass walls. And the worst thing that happens is the guy gets a bloody lip, which he wipes away with his sleeve.


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