If I was Boss of the World…

Humans’ arses would be redesigned such that they’d stay perfectly clean after taking a dump,  just like my sisters dog.   No more endless wiping.   

Healthy foods would be the stuff we actually crave and enjoy (i.e. chocolate, milkshakes, pizza,  Big Macs..).     The junk food would be all the brocoli, lima beans, and all those other nasty veggies.  Wed only be allowed to eat those in moderation, which wouldn’t be a problem for people like me. 

Following along those lines, youd be able to grow things like bacon and ready-made cheeseburgers in your backyard “meat garden”. 

Lima beans would be outlawed, and nations would agree in a global treaty to make them extinct by 2020.

You know how you can not see, by closing your eyes?   Now you’d also be able to not hear, by closing your ears.   No more being forced to listen to distracting noises, loud parties next door, or idiots who never stop talking. 

Environmental activists would be have to be certified with a degree in science or engineering.   Otherwise, shut the #@$*% up. 

Talk show hosts who dont know how to pump their own gas would NOT be considered the absolute moral authority on every subject.

Anti-Globalization malcontents would only be allowed to protest, once they relinquish their Nike shoes, Roots sweatshirts and i-Pad, and anything else made by large corporations.

Rappers would be forced to speak with a vocabulary of more than 200 words.  Ima tell you somethin.  Nomesane?

Cats would have a sense of humor.

It wouldn’t be Ronald McDonalds fault that people are fat and eat too much greasy fast foodit would be THEIR OWN.

Hollywood would portray women as bumbling, insensitive idiots just as much men are 

There would be a “marshmallows only” variety of Lucky Charms.

There would be no weight categories in boxing.    Whoevers the best fighter wins.   If you happen to be 120 lbs and that ruins your chances at winning, well.lifes a bitch, aint it?

The following people would be deported, off the planet:   Oprah,  Céline,  Cher,  Madonna,  Yoko,  Ryan Seacrest and Al Gore.  (Feel free to add any others).    

God would not care in the slightest how you cover your body with strips of cloth, nor what kind of critters youre allowed to eat. 

Dagwood wouldnt be such a pussy.

The months of June and July would seem to last forever, just like November and March.

On the Urinestain Berenstain Bears,  Father Bear would threaten to attack and maul the cubs, just like male bears do in real life. 

They’d start bringing back small toy prizes in cereal boxes and Cracker Jack, like there used to be.   If your kid is dumb-ass enough to choke on them…well too bad.  Survival of the fittest.  

There would be anti-express line at fast-food joints for the burger-challenged.   Fuck-tards who have no idea what they want or how to order it will no longer hold up the rest of us who are hungry and want our food NOW. 

Customers who, in this day and age, still insist on paying for groceries with a CHEQUE, shall be put in stocks and pillory and displayed in front of the cashier for the remainder of the day.  

The fishermen on The Deadliest Catch would mutiny and quit.    Because they’d decide its not worth risking their lives and those of the Coast Guard,  just so rich people can enjoy fresh crab at expensive restaurants.

On “Hell’s Kitchen”, someone will snap, say  F%& you, Chef”!,  and punch Gordon Ramsay’s lights out.  

People besides my Mom would actually read this post.

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23 Comments on “If I was Boss of the World…”

  1. Mike Goad Says:

    I read it all the way to the end. 😉

  2. Friar Says:


    Hooray! With you and my Mom, and maybe Brett and Eyeteaguy, I might get up to four! 🙂

  3. dave1949 Says:

    I read it too but I refuse to acknowledge that, in case your head swells up and explodes. You’re welcome.

  4. Friar Says:


    Don’t worry. There are so many other areas in my life where I’m being told what a screw-up I am, that there’s no danger of my head exploding.

  5. Friar's Mom Says:

    Well so far you have comments from 3 readers.

    I’m surprised you didn’t rant about the slow-driving seniors, hunched over and barely peering over the top of their steering wheels.

    On another topic, you mentioned Ronald MacDonald. Did you hear the latest? The Golden Arches recalled 12,000,000 Shrek glasses because they’re tainted with cadmium. At $2.00 a piece these are considered collectibles. They’ll be worth a fortune if most of them are returned and disposed.

    If the glasses are so contaminated, I wonder where they’ll be dumped, or will they be recycled? Can someone figure how much landfill the 16 ounce glasses will make, and how much lethal cadmium in 12 million glasses?

  6. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    Let me guess…the Shrek glasses were probably made in China. 🙂

  7. XUP Says:

    Hey! I read your freakin’ blog every time you post something and I’m NOT your mom. And even though I’m not your mom I’m really curious about his big issue you have with wiping your bum. This isn’t the first time you’ve mentioned it. I know this because I read your blog all the time and remember thinking last time “what an odd thing to be upset about — bum wiping”. But since it’s such a problem for you, I will let you in on a little secret. If you don’t eat meat, your poop will slide out cleanly every time and you’ll never need to wipe again AND you’re shit won’t stink, either.

  8. Kyddryn Says:

    I read it, and would like to add Barbara Streisand to the deportation list. She makes my ears bleed. Also Judge Judy and Dr. Laura, if you’d be so kind. And Dane Cook.

    Could there be a special dispensation on the Lima bean thing? I actually quite like them…

    And finally, I’d like to point out that God, Gods, Goddesses, Deity, Universal Spirit or Whatever doesn’t much care what you wear or eat. Those concerns are human constructs.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  9. Friar Says:

    Bum wiping? …it’s just an unpleasant but necessary task. I’d just like to minimize how much I have to do.

    As for diets..well, Tipper doesn’t eat veggies or fruit, and her poop comes out nice and clean.

    And what about cows? They’re FILTHY, and they eat nothing but grass.

    Nope. I just think we hairless apes just happen to have the top five worst-designed arses in the animal kingdom. Probably as punishment for being given the advantage of opposable thumbs, I suspect.

    You’re the ONLY person I know who likes Lima Beans. 😦 (I know some who don’t mind them…but that’s different from LIKING them).

    As for God, Goddess, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster…I agree. They woudlnt’ give a flying fox-fart. It’s the human conception of what “God” should be that’s causing all the kerfuffle.

  10. XUP Says:

    Ya ya, I was just buggin’ you. Cats actually have the cleanest poop and they’re also the only true carnivores. Those soccer players that landed in the Andes and had nothing to eat but each other said their poop ended up like cat poop – hard little balls or bits that were hell to get out and really smelly, but were very clean and dry — no wiping required. So, I guess the moral of the story is you have to go totally carnivore to eliminate wiping.

  11. XUP Says:

    Oh, and I like lima beans too

  12. Friar Says:


    Lima beans?

    …you WOULD. 🙂

  13. Friar Says:

    Though if we’re lucky, maybe Brett might enlighten us, on how his cave-man diet has changed the consistency and frequency of his poop. 🙂

  14. Brett Legree Says:

    (@XUP – *shhhh* you’ll let my secret out, Paleo practitioners such as myself eat *soccer players*!)

    And yes – there is “less waste” and it is “better formed”.

    Kind of like when you switch your dog from WallyWorld “Speshull Die-it” to IAMS or something similar. Smaller poops, happier and cleaner doggy.

  15. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I always knew this was a shitty blog and now y’all have gone and proved it.

  16. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Wee Friar,

    If you’re taking a poll on bean lovers add me to your list. I too like lima beans and kidney beans especially in a four bean salad.

    I also make humums, not only from chick peas but also from kidney beans.

    You’ve heard me say this before “Eat your beans, they’re good for you”.

  17. Friar Says:


    I wonder if starved-to-death soccer players would be all that good to eat? I picture it being tough, stringy meat. Almost beef-jerky like.

    Sooner or later, the conversation at the Deep Friar always turns to poop.

    Hey..SOMEBODY’s gotta do it.

  18. Brett Legree Says:


    Crack open the bones, and eat the marrow.

  19. Friar Says:


    Add it to melted snow…start a fire, and you got SOUP.

  20. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    Your four-bean salad is about as ANTI-FRIAR a dish, as you can ever make. 😦 😦 😦

  21. Karen Swim Says:

    I like vegetables but I would love it if cake were a vegetable too, a no calorie vegetable. Instead of wars we could all just eat cake. Magazines would list men’s ages and weight just like they do for women and they would be caught in unflattering shots and proclaimed to be a tub of lard.

  22. Friar Says:


    I think a lot of those Hollywood Enquirer-type of magazines show equally bad shots of male or female celebrities (God forbid, should a guy NOT have a six-pack!)

    I agree with the cake. I think there’s no problem in the world, that a good slice of choklit cake and a cold glass of milk couldn’t solve.

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