Mis-management 101: How to sabotage your own company and drive it into the ground by killing your staff’s morale.

If an important deadline is approaching,  repeatedly remind the person responsible.    Nagging them 4-5 times a day instead of once means that they’ll get the job done 4-5 times faster, right?  

Death or illness in the family.    Health problems.   Circumstances beyond one’s control.    These are NOT acceptable excuses for someone missing a deadline.   If someone says they will do something by a certain date, the expectation is that they will do it.  Keep repeating this to them while  you hit them on the head with a ball-peen hammer.    Eventually they’ll start seeing things your way.

Nothing generates more respect, or more company loyalty, than chastising an employee in front of their peers.    Give yourself bonus points, if you’ve managed make that person cry. 

Pass on the responsibility, and give your staff ownership of their work.   For example, if the monthy report isn’t submitted by the end of the week, the company will go bankrupt,  polar bears will become extinct, and little baby Jesus will cry in his manger.

Refuse to allow give staff to work from home, because they can’t be trusted.   Better to have them work in a noisy distracting cubicle-farm where you can keep an eye on them, than for them to concenrate in a quiet environment where they might actually get the job done faster.

The last thing anyone wants to do is hear of company news (like lay-offs or funding problems) first-hand from their own leaders.   Best to let the mainstream media announce it first, at least a week before-hand.

Cancelling everyone’s vacation is a sure-fire way to improve everyone’s morale and get them to work harder.

Set a good example by skipping meals and working through lunch.   If nobody follows your lead, then schedule mandatory meetings from 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM, with no breaks.   Your staff will respect your dedication. 

Assert your alpha-dominance by using the words “expectation” and “challenge”  as often as possible.

Treat your professionals like they’re hourly workers making widgets an on assembly line.    Every minute they’re chit-chatting by the water cooler and not sitting in their cubicle equals lost time and lost revenue.  Let them know this.

Regarding punctuality, demand to have it both ways.    Scold someone for coming in late, but refuse to acknowledge when they work past quitting time.    And expect that they’ll attend work-related functions held after hours, on their own time, because it would be “good for morale”.  

If one of your staff is going through a serious personal crisis, that’s the time to toughen up and assign them more work.    In hindsight, they’ll appreciate your lack of compassion,  which will be seen as a sign of moral fortitude.     

Always assume the worst in everyone.    For example, whenever someone’s laid off, have them immediately escorted off-site.  Preferably in handcuffs.

What ever you do, never tell the staff they’ve done a good job.    Nobody needs to hear an “attaboy”.   That may foster dangerous feelings of self-esteem and contentment, which can be detrimental to the company.

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6 Comments on “Mis-management 101: How to sabotage your own company and drive it into the ground by killing your staff’s morale.”

  1. Kelvin Kao Says:

    Now, where have I heard this crazy thing about how the management’s job is to get out of the way so people can actually do their jobs?

  2. Eyeteaguy Says:

    You should come work for me.
    No management. Set your own tasks. Be held in high regard by your fellow employees.
    BUT! No budget. More work than any human can handle. Be on call 24/7. And everything is old and falling apart and the company is always expanding.

    You’ll be running for your cubicle farm in a week.

    Eyetiredguy

  3. XUP Says:

    That’s what we get for making the Simon Legree School of Management so easy to get into. You don’t even need transcripts. As long as you have your $200 tuition fee, you’re in and guaranteed to graduate and be on your way to running your own company. I find this country in general very old school when it comes to employment practices. We are so far behind other countries in how employees are treated. Is it a coincidence that we’re also so far behind in competing in world markets?

  4. Brett Legree Says:

    Six of one, half dozen of the other, Eyeteaguy – too much work in your case and no budget.

    In our workplace, we have more of a budget than you do, but our hands are tied by bullshit procedures and protocols, and we’re not allowed to think.

    Imagine spending years of your life studying to be a “problem solver” (e.g. an engineer), perhaps even working as such (as I did), then joining a place like this and being told you’re not allowed to fix or even suggest fixes to obvious problems.

    Neither situation is a good one. I’ve worked in both – my preference, too much work and no budget – why? Because, the Devil makes work for idle hands. Either that, or you become an alcoholic.

    Let’s all go work for Google.

  5. Friar Says:

    @Kelvin

    Shhh…that’s the kind of talk that could get you in trouble! 🙂

    @Eyeteaguy
    I’ve had jobs like that..where I literally didn’t have time to take a piss.

    But this post doesn’t necessarily have anything to do where I work. (No, Sireeee). No, this is just a rant about workplaces, in general.

    @XUP
    Transcripts? We don’t need no stinkin’ transcripts!!!

    Seriously, I’ve seen places (*again, not necessarily where I am now*), where Project Managers have high school degrees, and have managed to climb there way up the corporate ladder.

    All fine and dandy, except where there are technical issues to resolve. And some of these managers don’t have a clue, yet they’ll try to tell the engineers who the job might be done.

    But like I said…this is for companies in general. Not necessarily where I work. (*No, siree*)

    @Brett
    Yeah, just because someone else’s job is crappier than ours (in theory), it doesn’t mean that it’s okay for us to have crappy jobs.

    I agree…Seeing both sides of the coin, too much work is better than not enough. If anything, it makes the day go by faster.

    Though one gives you physical exhaustion..the other is more mental. Both suck.


  6. I had a boss who I was related to (my father) who was really annoying and loved to micro-manage. He was the kind of guy who would call to ask if a certain task had been completed yet. Then call back 5 minutes later and ask how its coming along, then bring in an emergency project, ask how that was coming and why you weren’t working on the original project and “whyareyoujuststandingtherethinkingdosomething?whetheritsproductiveornot!”
    It is actually funny that he also spawned my older brother who is always late and demands that we live by his child’s schedule. But when I am late (often for a good reason) he will phone repeatedly asking if I am making any progress and if I’ll be there soon. I reply that I am making no progress because I am spending my time answering the God damned phone!
    Yah he micro-manages too.


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