Things that Violate the Unofficial Guys’ Code

Yoga
Though if your girlfriend or wife did it, that wouldn’t be the end of the world.

a

Smart Cars
Two words:    Ass-Hat.

a

Three-Wheeled Motorcycles
Sorry, that is not a bike.  That is a TRICYCLE.

At this point, get a car, dude.

Just make sure it isn’t a Smart Car.

a

Candles
Except when used for illumination purposes, when the power goes out.

a

Mopeds
Like that old joke goes…they’re fun to have, until your friends see you with one.

a

Napkins
Except the paper ones that come with your fast-food.   Those are reluctantly tolerated.

a

Referring to tasty food as “yummy”
Unless you’re 7 years old, no guy should ever say this.

Instead, say the food is be “Awesome!”.

Or, even better,  say it’s “F#$%*ing awesome!”

a

Meals served on large square plates
As soon as you see this, you know it’s gonna be Nouvelle Cuisine.   Meaning $75.00 for a sliver a meat, four carrots and three potato balls.

Sorry.  I don’t care how good it tastes.

For that kind of money, I expect to be fed several pounds of roast animal of some kind.   And be stuffed till I almost wanna hurl.

a

Baked Chips
Baked ANYTHING, for that matter, when it could be deep-fried instead.

a

Tai-Chi
Unless you speed it up several notches, and it becomes kung-fu.

a

Toilet-Seat Covers
Obviously invented by annoyed women, as a means to force their partners to keep the seat down.

No self-respecting male would deliberately install one of these lethal dick-traps himself, though.

a

Cats
The Broadway musical, I mean.

Though most of the real-life feline critters would also qualify for this list.

a

Enya Music
I dunno.   To me, it sounds like it should be a soundtrack for a feminine hygiene product commercial.

a

Yogurt
I forget which one.  But the one where the commercial goes “La-la-la-la-la-Laaah” and they show a belly dancer.

aaaa

Subway’s Orchard Chicken Sandwich
With apples, raisins and cranberries.

Sorry, that is not a sam-wich.  That is an ABOMINATION.

It’s not a sub unless it has bacon, cheese, or mystery-meat cold-cuts.

Preferably all three.

a

Mimes
Who should all die.

Slowly and painfully. .

Come to think of it, Mimes violate everyone’s unofficial code, men and women included.

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25 Comments on “Things that Violate the Unofficial Guys’ Code”

  1. Eyeteaguy Says:

    At least we know why you are single now.

  2. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Strange…for some reason, that’s what a lot of people say.

  3. XUP Says:

    That’s funny. I just saw a guy tooling down the road on one of those 3-wheeled motorcycles this morning. He was all decked out like a regular biker. The bike was big and cool looking except for the two big wheels in the front. I wondered, to myself (or maybe even out loud), what would possess a person to buy one of those things. I like mopeds and napkins though.

  4. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    I’ve seen worse. There are two-wheeled bike…with training wheels! (I’m NOT kidding!) Two small wheels on each side, for extra support/balance.

    I saw some a month ago..in a pack of biker-wannabees. (They were borderline seniors..and like you say, trying to look cool and all decked out like they were real bikers).

    And to make matters worse, they were towing a trailer on top of that.

  5. Friar's Mom Says:

    There must have been a reason for Training Wheels on a bike. Perhaps a poor sense of balance. I commend the person for their tenacity.

    My friend (in her late 50s) had a difficult time with Plantar Fasciitis. She was considering a tricycle. Who knows, if she didn’t get better maybe she too would have used training wheels on her bike.

  6. Kyddryn Says:

    Friar, you made my morning with the toilet seat cover. Whew…I almost snorted my smoothie (which seems like it ought to be another item on your list)!

    Lately at Casa de Crazy, we don’t use napkins…we use dish towels. How d’ya feel about those??

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  7. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    If you have to put training wheels on a motorbike, it’s time to admit defeat and just buy a car.

    At least it could be a sports car and you could still look cool.

    Training wheels on the bike is just….well…lame-ass beyond words.

    @Kyddryn

    Smoothies are acceptable to the Guy’s code, if they’re called “Shakes”.

    Towels are okay. It’s the fancy cloth napkins that are an issue. (I mean, we guys will use them if they’re put in front of us..but don’t expect us to buy any of our own).

  8. Friar's Mom Says:

    I know someone who wouldn’t even taste a smoothie which was made with a banana, fresh strawberries, yogurt, protein powder and a half unpeeled cored apple.

    Was it the Guy’s Code or a Psychological Code? The peel was totally pulverized in the blender.

    Drink it, it’s good for you!

  9. Friar Says:

    Friar’ Mom

    I don’t do apple peels. Sure, they get chopped up into little bits, but they’re still there. If I wanted something solid, I’m just eat the apple itself

    Plus, I’m still traumatized by the “smoothie” you made me when I visited you out West. It had clots of Banana in it. And it was room-temperature. (Gaggg!)

    Sorry, that wasn’t a “Smoothie”, that was a “Lumpie”.

  10. Cath Lawson Says:

    LOL Friar – How can you not like fruit smoothies? And Subways healthy sandwiches are their best.

    I have to agree on Smart Cars tho. I was once at a Christening, which started an hour late ‘cos one of the guests decided to come in a Smart Car. They don’t even look safe.

  11. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Wee Friar,

    I apologize for the Lumpie I made for you out West. It was made in a food processor because my rental place doesn’t come with a blender.

    Personally I don’t freak out about the occasional lump. I know I get my healthy fruit allotment for the day, and that’s what counts.

    Speaking about Lumpies, the landlord upstairs made himself a smoothie with what he thought was a frozen banana. Much to his surprise he discovered that he used a frozen Weiswurst sausage. Now that’s a real Guy Lumpie!

    Maybe you’d like it, you’re a carnivore.

  12. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    No….I prefer to eat my meat in the solid form. Not as chunky beverage.

    I like what I drink NOT to have lumps in it.

  13. Friar Says:

    @Cath
    Fruit smoothies I dont’ mind. If they’re with frozen fruit and taste like a milkshake.

    But not if they’re room temperature and lumpy.

    And despite what Jared says, Subway is just a lot of processed meat. Even the “high-end” stuff like the chicken and steak don’t seem quite right. Almost pre-digested, and re-formed into meat-like chunks. I suspect the “grill marks” on the meat are painted there.

    Don’t get me wrong. I still like their food. I just don’t pretend it’s good for me. And my sammitches are greasy and oily….and DON’T have raisins in them.

  14. Brett Legree Says:

    My father has one of the three-wheeled machines (he has a model called the “Spyder”).

    He would of course prefer to ride a normal two-wheeler, but he lost his left arm in a bike accident in 1985, and the Ministry of Transportation won’t let him…

    🙂

    (He has a convertible Corvette too, but he says it’s just not the same feeling of freedom.)

  15. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Well, that’s different. That’s a guy who would like to ride a two-wheeler, but can’t. So he’s making the best of the situation.

    I checked the book. That meets Code. 🙂

  16. Brett Legree Says:

    Heh heh I was just pulling your leg.

    You around this weekend?

  17. Friar Says:

    Yeah,but your dad’s situtations is different. Compared to someone who CAN ride a two-wheeled bike, but choses to ride a three-wheeler.

    Especially those goofy big three-wheelers with bulky storage compartments.

    At that point, turn in your helmet and start reading Jane Austen novels.

    PS. I’m around this weekend…for Friday Saturday at at least.

  18. Davina Says:

    Those commercials with the belly dancer were for Activia yogurt. Regarding the shimmying hips; personally, I think those commercials would have been better directed to “fruit on the bottom” yogurt. Just sayin’…

  19. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    Can’t they just sell yogurt without all the fancy-schmancy prancing about?

    That’s why it violates the code.

  20. Davina Says:

    Oprah could sell yogurt without all the fancy-schmancy prancing about 🙂 Oh, but wait… Oprah… now THERE’S another item for your list of what violates the code. Silly me.

  21. Tony Single Says:

    Okay, having seen your avatar around the blogosphere, and then a promise of viking cartoons on the latest post over at Blogging Without A Blog… well, I just had to check you out. I’m glad I did!

    This and your vikings in the workplace cartoons made me laugh hard. I give this five pointy hats out of five! 🙂

  22. Karen Swim Says:

    Friar, ROFL! Oh my gosh I didn’t get the thing with guys and toilet seat covers until a few years ago when my brother kindly explained it to me, too funny!

  23. Friar Says:

    @Davinah
    Oprah’s code violations is worth a whole post, by herself.

    @Tony
    Thanks!

    Glad you dropped by, and do come back! There will always be Viking Cartoons, from time to time.

    @Karen
    Oh, don’t get me started.

    Devious devices, those toilet set covers! (I had a bad experience at my Aunt’s house, starting at age three!)

    If you come bac

  24. CaptainPush Says:

    I couldn’t stomach reading through all the replies to your post.

    I’ll just say this: Smart Cars are GAY.

    I’m sure I’ve offended some of your friends.

  25. Friar Says:

    @Captain

    I don’t know what I’d rather do…if I was forced at gunpoint.

    Drive a Smart Car. Or drive a moped.

    I think I’d take the gun shot.


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