More things I’d do, if I were Boss of the World

Fast-food joints would have a yellow line to stand behind, for the burger-tards who need the time  to go “Uhhhhh” and decipher the menu.  Only after you’ve decided what you want, would you be allowed to approach the cash and place your order.   Any subsequent delays longer than 5 seconds would cause a trap door to spring open, and dispatch the food-dawdler with extreme prejudice.

Canada Geese would be forced to wear diapers.

There would be a Gospel according to Bacon.

To give equal time to “How to be Indie“,  India would be required to air a TV show about Canadian kids growing up and going to school over in Bombay.

Red squirrels (those onerous varmints!) would be forced to take anger-management.

There would be computer chips and sensors in cars,  causing them to explode whenever slow-driving morons on the right suddenly speed up when there’s a passing lane.

Just like smokers and non-smokers used to be segregated on airplanes, there would now be “Children” and “Non-Children” seat sections.

Furthermore, if they’re going to be charging fat people for two seats on a plane, then they would do the same for Mommies who spend the entire flight with a fidgety demon-toddler kicking on their lap.

Grizzly Bears would be introduced to New Zealand.   Just to give that country a large predator and stir things up.

Consumers who camp outside and line up for hours, just to get the latest electronic toy, will be rounded up and sent to another line-up.   Where this time, they’ll be forced to wait for food.

“Life Coaching” would take the same amount of training and schooling as a degree in social work or psychology would.

Betty and Veronica would finally have it out in a no-holds-barred, kicking-and-screaming good old-fashioned cat-fight.     And Betty would win.

Mommies who spend more than 80% of their time talking about their kids will be locked into a room for three hours and forced to listen to guys talk about hockey.

Guys who spend more than 80% of their time talking about hockey, will be locked into a room for three hours and be forced to listen to Mommies talk about their kids.

Senior Executives’ salaries would be based 100% on commission, depending solely on how well the company does.

Caillou would finally get that spanking he so well deserves.

Seniors who brag about how cheap their home was when they bought it 40 years ago would have their pensions also reduced to the equivalent of what they’d have earned, 40 years ago.

With the exception of war veterans or anyone who lived through the depression,  senior discounts would be abolished.  (It was their generation that drove our country into debt…why should they be rewarded for it?)

Bloggers who brag about following their dreams and earning “six figures” would be forced to divulge their tax returns on their website.

Rich people who say “money isnt’ everything” would be heavily fined, and the money would go to poor people, so that they may decide for themselves whether this was true.

There would be decibel-meters in every Wal-Mart.    Whenever a screaming kid would exceed the 90 dB limit, Mummy would have a choice:  Either leave the store, or Junior gets muzzled.

Vegetarian bacon would be abolished.   It’s sacrilege.

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13 Comments on “More things I’d do, if I were Boss of the World”

  1. Eyeteaguy Says:


    That is all.


  2. Friar Says:


    Congratulations. You win.


  3. Thank you for excluding veterans. I appreciate this so much I’ll even go without vegetarian bacon.

    Can we also get Caillou to grow hair? I’m thinkin’ the kids probably cranky because his parents make him be bald.

    And I’d like to install that Wal-Mart muzzle thing in every shopping centre and grocery store.

    Thanks again for clearly stating your election platform.

  4. Friar Says:

    @Canadian Army Wife

    Exactly. I certainly don’t mind if a veteran gets a discount at Tim Hortons or anywhere else. Hell…it’s the very least we can do.

    But I wonder what’s up with Caillou and no hair? Maybe he’s not well…and that’s contributing to his tantrums.

  5. Friar's Mom Says:

    I recommend that MacDonald’s have a Burger Nazi similar to the Soup Guy on Seinfeld. If customers don’t know what to order then it’s “No burger and fries for you.”

    I don’t believe I said this. I think I spent too much time with Wee Friar these past two days.

  6. CaptainPush Says:

    Oh Man! I would implement “forced retirement.” I’m in for thirty years and I’m leaving. However, a lot of my associates come back as “retired annuitants” or as we call them, “retired irritants.”

    Get OUT OF THE WAY and let the youngsters move up.

  7. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom


    See? I’m corrupting even you!

    My work here is done for the day.

    Damned straight!

    We have retirees at work, collecting a pension, and back at work making $100/hr on top of that as “contract workers”.

    Meanwhile, how many full time workers even get a fraction of that pay?

    Geezus…how much more of the pie, do these old guys WANT?

    (I guess their existing house isn’t big enough, or they need another fishing boat).

  8. […] it’s here. Tonight’s post was inspired by Deep Friar’s recent (and funnier) post, More Things I’d Do If I Were Boss of the World. It seemed like a great way to cull together some of these random rants that have been building up […]

  9. Oh boy Friar,

    You’d be strict. I’m happy you’re giving a break to the war veterans since my husband is one and I’m awfully proud of him.

    And 6 figure bloggers tax returns online? Now THAT I’d like to see.

  10. XUP Says:

    I think Betty and Veronica should just fight until they’re both dead. Spending 50 years scrapping over that gay red-headed dork when it was Jughead for him all the time? Neither of them deserves to live.

  11. Friar Says:

    Yeah…I’d be strict.

    So maybe it’s a good thing that I’m NOT the boss of the world. But it sure is fun to play “What if?”.

    PS. I’m proud of our veterans too.

    There was a gay Archie character who “came out” recently. But it wasn’t Jughead.

    So they still haven’t officially said WTF is up with him and Archie.

    Either way, the whole gang has major issues. Real-life teenagers are almost a welcome relief, in comparison.

  12. Tony Single Says:

    Tough, yet fair guidelines for a saner society. Sir, show me the line to join so I can vote for you and I’ll gladly do it. 😛

  13. Friar Says:


    If I’m in Charge, I’ll make you Minister of Commerce and Transportation, so you can enforce my rules for WalMart and airplanes! 🙂

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