Passive-Aggressive Driving Tips For Morons Who Enjoy Annoying Other Type-A Motorists

1.  The first thing you must do is foster an over-all sense of SMUGNESS that you’re not speeding like all the other crazy drivers are.    You must feel that it’s your duty to punish these maniacs, however you can.

2.  On highways, drive EXACTLY the speed limit and not ONE IOTA more, except when there are cars behind you and there’s a dotted line.    That’s when you speed up so no one can pass.  (Hint:  If you have difficulty doing this, try wearing a hat.  That always helps.)

3.  If you’re holding up a queue of 25 vehicles behind you, for God Sakes, DON’T pull over to let them pass!    You paid your taxes.   You’re entitled to drive the roads any way you want, Goddammit.

4.  If you’re entering a highway from a side-road and you see a car coming,  wait until the very last minute to pull in front of them, so that they have to jam on the brakes to avoid rear-ending you.    Remember, your time is more important.   You can’t afford to wait those extra five seconds to let them go by.    It’s better to let them drive behind you for the next 10 minutes. (Using tips #2 and #3).

5.  When merging onto a freeway,  the slower the better.   The last thing you want to do is match the speed of the other vehicles you’re trying to slip in-between of.

6.  Once you’ve made it onto the freeway,  go straight to the passing lane.   In this case, though, you WANT to match the speed of the car you’re pretending to overtake.   If another car comes up behind you, don’t pull over, not even if they flash their headlights:  This is a signal that you have won, and they’ll acknowledge your victory by having to pass on the right.

7.  If there’s a cold snap, reduce your driving speed by at least 30 km/h, even though it’s sunny and the road is perfectly dry.

8.   Talk on your cell-phone when driving.   The laws that say you’re not supposed to only apply to everyone else.   But you’re fine.

9.  If it snows or rains,  when it doubt, disconnect your cerebral cortex from your nerve center, and lose all ability to drive.   (This is a tried-and-true favorite).

10.  On residential streets, remember that posted limit of 40 km/h (25 mph) is far too treacherous.    If you think you’re going too fast, here’s a test:  take your food off the gas pedal, and let your car idle.      Are you moving ahead?    If the answer is yes, then it’s time to slow down.

11.  At intersections, if the light turns green, pause and think about it.     Wait for the car behind you to politely honk.    Ignore them, and think about it some more.    Wait for the car to honk again, this time more angrily.     Continue to ignore them.  Only proceed when the light is yellow on the verge of turning red, so that the honker gets stuck at the intersection.  (That’ll teach them to be in such a rush!)

12.  If you drive a motorcycle, drive less than the speed limit, and travel in large packs of 1o-20.    But remember to stagger yourselves so that no bike is more than 30 feet apart so that nobody can pass.   Congratulations.  You win, again.

13.  Apply the same principles if you’re driving a 50-foot RV.     Huge caravans of land-yachts can back up traffic for miles, especially on single-lane highways for miles.

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12 Comments on “Passive-Aggressive Driving Tips For Morons Who Enjoy Annoying Other Type-A Motorists”


  1. Hey Friar,

    Thank you for the great tips. Some I haven’t tried, but definitely will next time I’m on the road. I especially like the one of letting the cars build up behind me. It would make me feel like the pied piper…”follow me…”


  2. Hmmm….sounds like driving in New Brunswick to me.

  3. Friar Says:

    @Barb
    Next time, try to see how many cars you can back up. By adjusting your speed exactly, nobody will be able to get by you…I think the record is 146. Go for it. 🙂

    @Canadian Army Wife
    Or Vancouver. Or any rural town in Ontario.

  4. XUP Says:

    Thanks. I don’t drive very often and I really suck at it, so these tips will come in handy for the next time I hit the road. I’ll print them off and paste them to my windshield for handy reference while I’m driving.

  5. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    Then you should especially come out driving, when the weather’s bad or there’s a blizzard.

  6. Tony Single Says:

    Man, I sooo-ooo wish I could try out some of these tips, but I don’t drive. I could try driving folks up the wall though…

  7. Friar Says:

    @Tony
    In this case, not driving is an advantage, for following these tips.

  8. CaptainPush Says:

    Never signal for a lane change or a turn. Or conversely, drive with your signal on all the time and surprise those waiting at intersections when you don’t turn as they pull out in front of you.
    Where I live, the locals think this is a sport.

  9. Friar Says:

    @CaptainPush

    Yeah, your little town would have quite a few of those characters, wouldn’t it?

    May I also add: only start your turn signal when the light turns green, so the person behind you only finds out at the last minute.

  10. oliver Says:

    Excellent observations! You must be from the Oregon coast.

    You’ve missed the somewhat hard to quantify “drive 2 mph below the speed limit on highway but 5 mph above speed limit while passing through (obvious speed trap) rural communities”

    This is used in dedicated conjunction with # 2.

  11. Lois Says:

    Don’t forget the uncaring oblivious look on your face if someone looks at you. It helps if your mouth is hanging open. It kind of looks like you fell asleep. Pretending like you don’t notice anyone shows that you are in a bubble of self importance.

  12. Barbara Says:

    You are right, the speed limit is a maximum, not a minimum. No-one has the right to travel above the speed limit unless passing, and even then you can get a ticket (my brother got 2 tickets for going 10 km’s over the limit and he cannot afford to get another on his insurance record!) The drivers getting “annoyed” are not only breaking the law and endangering others – they are complete morons.


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