Archive for September 2010

More Children’s Books That Should be Banned

September 28, 2010

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Hop on Pop

Reason: Promotes family violence.

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Harold and the Purple Crayon

Reason: Encourages vandalism and defacing of public property.

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Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel

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Reason: Stereotypes hard-working Irish-American immigrants.

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Green Eggs and Ham

Reason: Biased against mice, foxes, and goats.

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Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing

Reason: Unnecessary cruelty towards turtles (when Fudge eats one).

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Curious George Goes to the Hospital

Reason: Gratuitous use of hallucinogenic drugs (when George sniffs the ether).

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Go Dog Go!

Reason: Not only glorifies dangerous street racing, but depicts irresponsible use of non-renewable petroleum resources, thus helping contribute to global warming and rising sea levels.

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I Can Write an Inspirational Post About ANYTHING…

September 25, 2010

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WOOD

Think about this wood.

No, really.

Stop and THINK about it.

Like us, it is battered and aged.

Because like us, it has weathered the storms of life.

But there is harmony and structure there.

Despite the hardships it has suffered, the wood remains strong and resilient.

It reminds us not to go against the grain…not to waste our energy on negative thoughts or emotions.

Instead, like the wood, we must align oursevles with the positive flow of the Universe.

It’s amazing how much we can learn about the world, if only we’d just look closely at such miracles of nature.

It really IS.

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ROCKS

My eyes mist up, as I embrace the wonderful spirit of co-operation these rocks exude.

Each one a product of the wind and water that formed it, a product of its environment.

Yet each rock is unique, with its own attributes and imperfections.

And there is no “right” or “wrong” rock.

The rocks just ARE.

Yet together they form a beach, a beautiful tapestry of color.

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Sometimes, I wonder if WE should try to be more like rocks.

Accepting each other’s attributes and imperfections.

Because together, we make up the beach that we like to call HUMANITY.

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Which type of rock are YOU?

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TREES

I dance the Celebration of Life when I see trees.

For they embody success and perseverance.

Over the years, think of how many seeds have tried to take root on this bare, hostile rock over the years, and have failed.

Thousands.  Perhaps millions.

Most of those were blown away,  dried up, or eaten by birds.

But Nature did not give up.

Mother Earth kept the seeds coming and coming.

And against all odds, eventually some took root, and started to grow.

They withstood years of adversity, eking out nutrients and water out of the bare rock, until they grew into majestic trees.

Where they now PROUDLY stand.

We are all like the trees.

We all start off as seeds.  We all have the same potential.

Let’s ask ourselves:   Do we we want get blown and let ourselves go to waste?

Or do we went to grow into majestic trees?

It’s all up to US.

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Okay…one more.

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SQUIRRELS

I weep with tears of joy and gratitude when I look at our woodland squirrel brethren.

They are Nature’s go-getters.  They never give up.

They plan ahead,  burying nuts for winter.

Yet they still take time to enjoy life, to stop and smell the roses.

Playing and chasing each other through the trees.

And there is an admirable honesty to them.

They are not afraid of life, nor afraid to express how they feel.

As they sit up in their tree thrones, and scolding others 100 times their size.

“Tttttt…..tttttt!” they will chatter at us.

Yes, Squirrel, my friend.

Ttttt…tttt, to you too.

If only more of us were like you.

The world would be a happier place.

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I hope you were all inspired by this.

And have perhaps learned something.

Because I know I have.

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(*pfft…..snicker*) 😉

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Friar’s Easy Recipes for Bachelors who Hate to Cook

September 20, 2010

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Tartine au Pain Blanc
– Take two slices of squishy white bread, made of bleached processed flour
– Smear one slice with sugar-laden trans-fat peanut butter, in clockwise strokes
– Smear the other slice with a red jam made of high-fructose corn syrup, in counter-clockwise strokes.
– Assemble the pieces into one sammitch.    Repeat as often as necessary.
– Serves One.

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Citrus Surprise (a refreshing beverage)

– Unscrew the top of a 2-liter carton of orange juice.
– Drink directly out of the carton,  until it is empty, or you are no longer thirsty.
– Return the carton to the fridge, regardless.

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Quick Easy Dinner
– Select a box of cereal, making sure the sugar content is no less than 40%.
– Pour into a bowl gently,  filling it to the brim.
– Pour milk into bowl, filling it to the brim.
– Ignore the cereal overflow.
– Eat in front of  TV.
– Repeat as often as necessary.

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Gourmet Pasta with Meatballs a la Bolognese
– With can opener, carefully turn and open the lid of a can of Chef Bo-Ar-Dee spaghetti and meat balls.
– Put in bowl, and gently place bowl in microwave.
– Turn on “High” for 2 minutes (making sure to overheat and splash tomato sauce all over the place).
– Serves one.
– Only wipe up the sauce, a week later, after it’s hardened.

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Vegetarian Delight
– Entertain the thought of preparing a vegetarian meal, for maybe one microsecond.
– Drive to Subway, and order a sammitch with extra mystery meat and double bacon.

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Beef-Szechuan Stir- Fry with Mixed Vegetables
– Seriously intend to cook this meal.
– Take 1/4 lb of beef, 1 red pepper.  1 cup mushrooms,  and 1 cup brocoli.
– Stick the food in the back of the fridge, and forget about it.
– Keep the vegetables refrigerated, until they have spoiled and are starting to become liquid.
– Throw them out and accept defeat.
– With index finger, call the Golden Palace and order the Beef Szechuan Stir-Fry with Mixed Vegetables.

Boredom = Inspiration

September 17, 2010

Most productive thing I accomplished all week, actually.

Saying Hi To An Old Friend

September 14, 2010

I did my annual pilgrimage to Lake Superior a few weeks ago.

The Bear seemed to enjoy the lake.

So did I.

It’s like going back to an old friend and saying “Hi”. a

And it’s impossible NOT to feel relaxed when you’re in her presence.

It’s better than going to a therapist.    Maybe even church, for some people.

Some of these scenes are definitely going to be watercolor paintings.

Eventually.

But I could sit and watch the waves crash for hours.

Or just stare out into the calm nothingness.

Either way, it’s all good.

And the Bear concurs.

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Friar’s Cynical Answers to Time-Honored Adages

September 13, 2010

“You can do anything you want…if you just put your mind to it.”
Okay, so there’s only one  Olympic Gold Medalist.   I guess that means all the other atheletes who didn’t win,  really didn’t want it that badly, huh?

“God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.”
Tell that to suicide victims.

“Things happen for a reason.”
So what are the reasons for cancer, tsunamis or genocide?

“Money can’t buy happiness.”
Tell you what.  Give me lots of money, and I’ll decide for myself.   And if I’m still unhappy, I can always give it away to charity.   Which will make someone else happy.

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.”
No, it’s darkest at midnight, when the sun is 180 degrees opposite the zenith.   Unless you live above the Arctic Circle in the summer, and then it never gets dark.

“Nobody can make you feel inferior, except yourself.”
Sorry, I don’t buy that.   That lets the jerk who’s putting you down off the hook, and transfers the blame onto you.   It’s like telling a battered wife that she’s brought it upon herself.

“Different strokes for different folks”
Meh.  That’s just a gutless way of saying you don’t agree with someone, but are too afraid to admit it.

“To each his own.”
See “Different strokes for different folks”.

“Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day.   Teach a man to fish, and you’ll feed him for life.”
Yes.  And if you factor into account all the fishing gear, the boat, the gas and the trips to fishing lodge, those fish he catches will end up costing $200 a pound.

“Just because their culture is different than ours, doesn’t mean ours is any better.   Who are we to judge what’s right or wrong?”
So countries that still practice slavery, female circumcision, stoning and honor killings…we shouldn’t be judging those things, then?

There is no “i” in “Team”
No..but there’s ME.

“Bad things happen in threes.”
Yes, bad things happen in threes.  And also twos, fives, seventeens, or not at all.    Bad things…just HAPPEN.

“Seek, and ye shall find.”
Breathe in, and ye shall exhale.    …like, DUH.

“No one is perfect, that’s why pencils have erasers”
Pencils are for screw-ups and LOSERS.   Competent people use PENS.

“You’re never too old to learn.”
When you get to the point of forgetting to wear pants, drool in your oatmeal, and answer the waffle iron when the phone rings,  it’s probably safe to say your learning days are over.

“When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”
You mean, like orgies and stuff?

“You can do anything you want…if you just put your mind to it.”
“Okay…I’m 46 years old.  I suddenly REALLY want to fly the space shuttle, win the Nobel Prize in Physics, and then win the Boston Marathon.

But that should be no problem if I put my mind to it, right?

Right?


20 and 1/4 inches

September 11, 2010

On my last post, one of my loyal readers commented:

“I was disappointed not to see any pictures of fish or paintings of food.”

Well…I haven’t done any paintings lately.    Sorry, I can’t help you there.

But I do have a new fish picture.

I hope this is okay…and lives up to your expectations.