How to have an Eco-Friendly, Guilt-Free Green Christmas

First of all, DON’T refer to it as “Christmas”.   It’s preferable to use “Inter-Denominational Winter Solstice Love-Your-Neighbor Happiness Group Hug Fun Day“.

Don’t use a tree, EVER.   Plastic trees consume non-renewable petroleum resources and the real ones kill trees.   Either way, three penguins DIE.

Avoid holiday treats.  Sugar is an addictive poison, 57% worse than DDT or Dioxin.

If you must treat yourself,  allow yourself 2-3 berries a day, preferably local ones that you’ve foraged for yourself.

Gifts must be stopped.   If you’re the type of materialistic consumer who insists on giving or receiving presents,  then hang your head in SHAME…you’re worse than Hitler!

Don’t use Christmas lights.   Every electric bulb raises the earth’s temperature by 0.00125  degree Celsius.

Save a turkey, and don’t eat meat for your Holiday dinner.

In fact, don’t even use vegetarian “Tofurkey” either.  Soya beans have just as much of a right to live as you do.

Instead of eating,  why not try to photosynthesize?   We can accomplish anything, if we put our minds to it.

Turn the thermostat down.   You can safely maintain a balmy indoor temperature of 35 F without the pipes bursting.

Avoid playing Christmas carols:  DVD players or radios consume electricity which causes baby polar bears to DROWN.

On the night of the Solstice, why not form a drum-circle instead, and chant your good vibes to Mother Earth?

Go to your family doctor, and ask them to remove all your sense of fun and child-like wonder.

Wear a hair shirt, if you have one.

Spend the holidays with the lights turned off, the window blinds drawn, and contemplate how fortunate you are compared to the rest of the planet.

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2 Comments on “How to have an Eco-Friendly, Guilt-Free Green Christmas”

  1. Kelvin Kao Says:

    Bleh. They don’t string the words “guilty” and “pleasure” together for nothing. I’ll take the guilt along with it. Being guilt-free is overrated.

  2. Oh boy, it looks like I’m breaking all the rules. I hope that doesn’t mean the Green Police will come a knocking.

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