Lighting Lamps in Lah-Lah Land.

Imagine if you wanted to install something in  your house.  It could be anything.   Let’s say, for argument’s sake, a lamp on your ceiling.

How would you go about doing it?

You’d probably go to the hardware store and buy a lamp.

You’d use a stud-finder, drill the holes, attach it the lamp with the screws.

Then you’d connect the electrical wires, and voila…in less than one afternoon, you’d have a new lamp.

That’s what you’d do in the REAL WORLD.


Now, imagine that you lived in some kind of Fantasy Lah-Lah Land.

Where there were special rules, like you wouldn’t be allowed to buy the lamp yourself.

How would you go about doing it?


First, you’d have to go through “Purchasing”, fill in 2-3 pages of paperwork.   If you were lucky, your lamp would arrive in 4-6 weeks.

You’d fill in a Written Technical Form (WTF) to get your Landlords’ approval signature, for the day you wanted to install it.

But make sure you knew which day, because the Landlord would want a week’s notice, and some days he wouldn’t let you do the work.

And which days you couldn’t work, you might not know until the very last minute.

And if you had to reschedule, you’d need to fill in a new WTF and start all over again.


And God Forbid, dont’ think you could just do the work yourself.

No, it would have to be done by Certified Lamp Installation Technicians who you’d have to hire before-hand.

You’d also have to first get a Ceiling Registry Under-Drilling (CRUD)  permit.

Which would involve having two different DRS (Drilling and Reaming Specialists) come to your house the day before.

And they’d scan the ceiling to check for any hidden electrical wires or water pipes, before giving you the okay to drill.


And once the holes were drilled and you were ready to attach the screws…you couldn’t just use ANY screws.

No…it would have to be screws that were specified in the Approved Screw Specification Sheet (ASSS).

And if the screws you had were different from what the ASSS said, you’d have to stop work immediately

And file a Non-Conformance Report.

And wait for approval from the Landlord to start again.


If you’d gotten as far as drilling the holes and mounting the lamp, then it would be time to tighten the screws.

But WAIT….!!!   You couldnt’ just tighten them ANY old way.

No…you’d have to cross-reference to the SHIT sheet (Screw Handling Identification Table) to tell you what torque to use.

And you’d have to check that the torque wrench has been calibrated.

And you’d have to document the calibration date.

And #1 Lamp Technician would tighten the screws and have to initial that they did so.

And #2 Lamp Technician would have to initial that they verified what #1 Lamp Technician did.

And FINALLY,  the the certified Lamp Installer Foreman will get to plug everything in and turn on the switch…

And voila….you’d have a lamp.

3 months later.


Now, that’s just for one lamp, in one room.

Imagine that you had to install HUNDREDS of lamps, throughout a huge building.

With different ceilings and different screws and different torque values.

And EVERYTHING had to be repeated…all the permits and signatures and documents….with each and EVERY lamp.


What FUN.


Welcome to Lah-Lah Land.




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6 Comments on “Lighting Lamps in Lah-Lah Land.”

  1. Bern Says:

    That’s why I’d rather have the moon and the sun as my external light-bulbs. So much easier to not have to deal with the ASSS’s.

    Life and natural light often feels better when we learn to unscrew the artificial light-bulbs and feel our way through the home we call our true Nature.

  2. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I live at the opposite extreme. I just do. I don’t ask. BUT I live with all the repercussions. And that really really sucks.

    A happy medium would be somewhere in the middle.

    Or we could just give up and go live in a cave.


  3. Mike Goad Says:

    and it filters into every part of the organization.

    I’m supposed to teach Intro to Emergency Operating Procedures on January 3, but they don’t know if the funding has been approved for me to work in 2011. They probably won’t get it done until January mid- month…

    which would be fine with me, cuz then I could watch Arkansas in Sugar Bowl instead of working in the simulator on the 4th.

  4. James Addiction Says:

    Brilliant. I truly laughed! Some thoughts…

    Back in the Real World, where you had to also put up many lamps…

    You lost some screws, so your lamp is held up by a screw, a nail, and two staples.

    The lamp isn’t afixed to a beam, so it makes the ceiling sag several inches.

    The wiring is all the same color because it was cheaper to buy one big reel.

    The lamps are all different, so they have no interchangeable parts – not even the bulbs.

    When a fire from the lighting occurs, or a lamp falls and hurts someone, or when they simply don’t work, there’s no legion of specialists and experts to blame… just you.

  5. Friar Says:

    @Army Wife
    No kidding aside, it’s actually worse than that.

    If things progressed at the rate they do in Lah-Lah Land, we WOULD be living in caves.

    I pray for the day when I’m your situation: Working because you choose to…not because you HAVE to.

    Don’t forget making sure the lamps are properly qualified for earthquakes or tornadoes or meteors.

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