Middle-Aged Cynical Bachelor Tips: 12 Reasons To Talk Yourself Out Of Getting a Girlfriend
1. She won’t ski or fish or golf. But won’t be willing to learn how, or let me go on my own.
2. I’ll want to spend my weekends relaxing. But we’ll be getting up at 3;15 AM and drive her kids to 4 different hockey tournaments in 4 different provinces.
3. She might like Céline Dion. Or cats. Or both.
4. She’ll insist on elaborate meals, involving cutlery and napkins and shit. Which I’ll be expected to help out with.
5. I’ll want to watch “Robot Chicken”. But she’ll insist on Oprah, which I’ll make fun of. And then I’ll end up sleeping on the couch.
6. Every year, I’ll have to come up with the most original, most thoughtful, most romantic Valentine’s gift, ever. And I’ll fail, and then I’ll end up sleeping on the couch.
7. We will continuously argue over the toilet set, because I will always leave it up.
8. I’ll finally land my ultimate dream job. But I won’t be able to take it, because it’s in another city and her kids will refuse to move.
9. She’ll be in the middle of an expensive custody battle, and I’ll have to cash in my retirement plan to pay for her lawyer’s bar tab.
10 Her kids will be teenagers, and I’ll have to cash in my retirement plan to pay for their orthodontist and/or college tuition.
11. Whenever I want to eat junk food, I’ll now have to answer to someone.
12. After the novelty wears off, there will be no more sex. Which is right where I started in the first place.