Friar’s Sure-Fire Weight-Loss Techniques

Get a chest cold, which turns into bronchitis and you have to take antibiotics.   The pills will make your stomach feel shitty and you won’t feel like eating.

Have a shitty job and/or shitty relationship that stresses you out so much, that you won’t feel like eating.

Get the stomach flu and/or or eat bad meat.

Go to one of those frou-frou expensive restaurants where they serve the meals on large square plates.  You’ll be lucky if the main course costs consists of five potato balls and a sliver of meat.

Order take-out pizza, but have a woman place the order.  She’ll buy just enough, assuming everyone will only want one (maybe two) slices each.

Live in small-town Ontario, and only try to buy your groceries after 7:00 PM.

Watch Grandma eat, with her poorly-fitting dentures.

Hate to cook, and live in a small town with no fast-food joints.

Attend “Lunch and Learn” sessions at work…which are typically no lunch, and all learn.

At all-you-can-eat buffets, make sure you stand behind a doddering senior.   By the time they’ve picked and chosen their food, you’ll have lost 5 lbs.

At McDonalds,  make sure you go through drive-thru behind a Soccer Mom in a van full of screaming kids.  (See above).

Have kids and try to eat at the same time they do.

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11 Comments on “Friar’s Sure-Fire Weight-Loss Techniques”

  1. Donald Mills Says:

    Sound advice…except for all the senior bashing. You wouldn’t catch us old folks taking cheap shots at you damned young people.

    If we really want people to lose weight why not scrap the FDA and toss all health regulations out the window. I say stop washing hands, utensils or food and let eating be the literal and figurative crap shoot God intended it to be.

    People tend to be more cautious in their food consumption if there is a 30 per cent chance that what you’re eating contains enough Salmonella to kill a small housecat.

    Of course, diet and exercise work too.

  2. Friar Says:


    I admit I took a few shots at seniors. I hope you aren’t too offended.

    But if you notice, I also took a few shots at parents and screaming kids. I try to be fair and open-minded in my criticism about everything.

    You bring up a good point about salmonella and health regulations. Never mind the FDA, though. All you have to do is buy food from Mexico or China.

    As always, glad to have you drop by.

    – Friar

  3. Kelvin Kao Says:

    “Have a shitty job and/or shitty relationship that stresses you out so much, that you won’t feel like eating.”

    Um.. I don’t know about that. Some people relieve stress with junk food.

  4. Friar Says:

    From personal experience, if a job or relationship gets shitty enough, you don’t even want to eat junk food at that point.

    But this technique, I admit, isn’t the most fun to use.

  5. Dave Says:

    you missed a truly great possibility. Get cancer and lose 130 lbs over the last year like I did. It does have a few drawbacks but it certainly will help lose the weight.

  6. Friar Says:

    Too bad they coudln’t genetically modify cancer, so that it helped people keep their weight down, without making them sick.

    Hope you’ve beaten your cancer, though. (Or it’s in the process of being beaten!)

  7. Friar's Mom Says:

    Break your body. Spend three months in Rehab and eat hospital food. Guaranteed to lose both body weight and muscle tone.

    Been there, done that. However, if I had lost 130 lbs, I’d waste away to infant size.

  8. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    Please don’t do either, ever again.

  9. Kelvin Kao Says:

    I am expecting testimonials and before/after pictures, by the way.

  10. Eyeteaguy Says:

    You forgot get jailed in a 3rd world country where they don’t feed you.


  11. Friar Says:

    Oh, I won’t actually be doing any of these. But I welcome other people to.

    Those who can…do. Those who can’t…provide tips.

    Another bonus of Third World Countries, is that you might also catch an intestinal parasite, which speeds up the process.

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