Posted tagged ‘blogging’

Religion…or Blogging?

February 5, 2010

Religion:   Recognizes there is God, and only one God.
Blogging:  Recognizes there is Seth, and only one Seth. 

a

Religion:    The word  is spread by selected disciples.
Blogging:   The word is spread by selected A-List Cool-Kid bloggers.

a

Religion:   Beware of false prophets.  
Blogging:  Beware of self-appointed “Social Media Gurus”. 

a

Religion:    Missionaries give non-believers Bibles to read. 
Blogging:    Bloggers are on a mission to get non-believers to read their latest E-book.

a

Religion:   People confess their sins in order to achieve absolution from a priest.
Blogging:   Bloggers post their dark secrets and dirty laundry in order to achieve absolution from their readers. 

a

Religion:   Often involves repetitive rituals (like saying “”Hail Mary” 100 times on the rosary).
Blogging:   Often involves repetitive rituals (like commenting on 100 blogs a day)..

a

Religion:     “Amen.”
Blogging:     “Great post!”

a

Religion:    Martyrs will die for their beliefs. 
Blogging:   Martyrs will post,  no matter what.  Even if they’re sick, busy, or don’t feel like it.

a
Religion:     There is the Old Testament, and the New Testament
Blogging:   There is Blogging, and there is Twitter.

a

Religion:      The faithful wear certain types of clothes, to identify themselves as true believers.
Blogging:     The faithful will color their Twitter avatars, to identify themselves as true believers in the latest flavor-of-the-month cause.

a

Religion:    Heretics are burned at the stake
Blogging:   Disagree with one of the Cool Kids, and you’ll get crucified.

a

Relgion:       Followers look towards religious leaders for moral guidance and advice on how to live their lives.
Blogging:     Followers look towards other bloggers for moral guidance and advice on how to live their lives. 

a

Religion:      At church, they pass the collection plate.
Blogging:     “If you like this post, please feel free to make a donation via PayPal.”

pal.”

Religion:       Often involves periods of fasting.  
Blogging:      Also often involves period of fasting (as many “Professional” bloggers can’t afford to pay for groceries).

a

Religion:    Serious heretics are ex-communicated.
Blogging:   Serious heretics are denied access to service. 

a

Religion:   The ultimate goal is to achieve everlasting happiness in the Afterlife.
Blogging:  The ultimate goal is to earn “six figures” as “passive income”.

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Realistic New Years’ Resolutions I Can Keep

January 4, 2010

In 2010, I resolve to inhale oxygen, and exhale carbon dioxide.

I will sustain a metabolism, and maintain a body temperature of 98.6F, to the extent that I am able.

I will humor my Mom, and will (occasionally) eat a salad if she puts one in front of me.

At least once this year, I will catch at a cold which will turn into a chest infection, requiring me to take antibiotics and puffers.  (Why ruin a perfect 20-year record?)

I will tell myself that I’ll lose weight, but then I’ll slack off and not achieve my goal,  thereby disappointing myself and others who say I need to be thinner.

I will exert a gravitational force on the Sun and the planets.    (Hey, every bit of mass counts!)

I will try to be more open-minded towards Vegans, and will reluctantly agree that they have a right to their opinion…sometimes.

I will continue to encourage dogs to get all wound up and hyper whenever I play with them.

The same applies for my screaming free-range nephews.

I will accept my caffeine addiction for what it is, and continue to drink coffee.   (There are other vices in my life that need taking care of first, that have higher priority.)

I will refuse to listen to any blogs, Tweets, or E-books that suggest how I can improve my life.    Just to be a dick.

As much as it pains me, I will not take up yoga this year.  Or the next.

I promise to never exceed the speed of light.   Ever.

If I ever start to take Twitter or Blogo-Land seriously, I promise to jam a sharp pencil up my nose and give myself a frontal lobotomy.

I promise to be myself, and in the process, continue to annoy many people.   More than once.

I will give up Lima Beans for Lent.

I will not take part in any exercise where I push my body to its utmost physical limits, thereby maintaining my Black Sheep status with my Uber-athletic family.

In my own small way, by just existing and generating heat, I will contribute to increasing the overall entropy of the Universe.

I will perform my job efficiently, using logic and common sense, thus ensuring I never be considered for a management position.

I will continue to drink beer with Brett on Thursday nights,  as long as his wife/kids continue to allow it.

I promise to continue blogging.  If and when I feel like it.   When the mood arises.   Maybe.

Nominate your Friends for these Prestigious Awards!

October 9, 2009

Tired of seeing all those flashy icons on all those blogs, and you have no idea what they mean?

Feeling left out, because none of the Cool Kids nominated your blog for one of these virtual awards?

Well, fear not.   You can now fit right in, by using my custom-made decals right here.

Feel free to cut and paste them all over your blog as you see fit, so you can look cool too.

Or nominate your friends.

Or don’t do anything.

It’s all good.

(After all, isn’t it just electrons floating around the internet?)

Official Dick

Flavor of the Month

SM D-Bag

Loser Blog

D-Lister

Expert

Poop

Nano

Self-Improvement Tips, in Two Steps or Less

July 8, 2009

You know, I must be a real screw-up.  Because it seems everyone in Blogo-Land is an expert on how to live a full life, except ME.

And everyone’s made these itemized lists on what I should do, and what I shouldn’t do.   Where it’s implied that I’ll be a better, happier person, if I’ll JUST ONLY follow their expert advice.

“12 tips on how to breathe and metabolize oxygen…16 tips on how to attain Nirvana…18 tips on how to shave your cat”…etc.

Argh.

TOO MANY LISTS.

I’ve decided to simplify things.  After extensive research, I’ve combined all these lists,  and I’ve summarized everything (below).

Enjoy.

Think of it as Friar’s Life 101.

************************************************

Most effective way to learn a foreign language
1. Move to the foreign country.  Preferably a middle-eastern one.
2. Tear up your passport…YOU’LL learn!  (Whether you like it or not).

How to earn a living while blogging at home
1.  Marry (or move in with) someone who has a decent income.
2.  Allow them to slog it out 40 hours a week at their crummy job, while you sit at home and Tweet about what the cat ate for breakfast.

How to combat writer’s block
1. Oh, for Chrissakes, just GO OUTSIDE and get some fresh air and exercise.
2. Do I really need to TELL you this?

A radical new way to lose weight
1. Eat less, and exercise more.
2. (Shhh.)   Don’t tell anybody.

How to follow your Dreams
1. Dream something.
2. Make it happen.  (Don’t ask me how…what am I, an expert or something?  That’s YOUR problem..just DO IT!)

How to self-fulfill and find that perfect job
1. Find something you really, REALLY like to do.
2. Convince someone to pay you big bucks to do it.  (Good luck with that,eh?)

How to attain happiness
1.  Never allow yourself to get upset over anything you can’t control.  If you feel bad, it’s YOUR fault, because you CHOOSE to.
2. Getting a frontal lobotomy helps.

How to find your perfect soul-mate
1. When you see someone you like, ask them out.
2. Repeat Step #1 .   Until you connect with that “Special Someone”.

How to make your marriage work
1. Men, leave the toilet seat DOWN, not up.
2.  Also remember those two words:  “Yes, dear”.

How to get those six-pack abs
1. Exercise, exercise, exercise.  And proper diet.
2. Oh, I forgot to mention.  You also have to be born with perfect genes.

How to be happy
1.  Stop buying all those goddamn self-help books.
2. With the time and money you save, buy yourself something nice.  Or go on a trip.

How to eat healthy
1. Take everything you love to eat that tastes good,  and stop eating it.
2. Forage for nuts and berries like our ancestors did.

How to eat unhealthy
1. Rember the Four Basic Food Groups:  Sugar, Salt, Caffeine and Fat.
2. Don’t forget to book your angioplasty with the cardiologist.

How to increase your intelligence (or at least, appear to)
1.  Buy Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations.
2. Cut and paste, whenever the chance arises.

How to come up with a fresh, original idea for your new Blog
1.   Read a self-help book from the 1970’s that everyone’s forgotten about.
2.  Rewrite it in your own words.  Then try to sell it as an E-book.

How to be Creative
1.   If you need this explained to you,  I’m sorry, you’re not very creative.  Actually, you’re  beyond help.
2.  Go back to watching Oprah.

How to increase your followers on Twitter
1. Follow everyone you meet.
2. Repeat Step #1.

How to spend more time with your Family
1.  Go the hardware store and buy a medium-sized ball-peen hammer
2.  Smash your laptop.  Go outside and play with your kids.

How to earn six figures, sitting at your computer,  without having to work your arse off.
1.   Buy a one-way bus ticket to La-La Land.
2.  Because that’s about the only place where that’s gonna happen.

Fifteen examples of why we have things WAY too easy.

May 12, 2009

1.  Umpteen varieties of Oreos
Different Oreos

OMG.  How DID people manage from 1912 to 1975 with just PLAIN old Oreos?.  Today we have Chocolate-Filled Oreos, Double-stuffed Oreos, Double-stuffed Mint Oreos, Golden Oreos, Mini Oreos, Caviar Oreos,  Plutonium Oreas….and Lord knows what else.

2.  American Idol
Idol

While we obsess over glorified Karaoke singers, the Barbarians are making plans to storm our city gates.
This is how Rome fell.

3. Mulit-colored Lucky Charms Marshmallows

LC_Clover StarLC_Rainbow HourGlass

Sugary cereal isn’t decadent enough.   Sugary cereal with marshmallows isnt’ decadent enough.   Sugary cereal with multicolored marshmallows….NOW we’re talkin’!
Just think of the R&D that went into develooping the right food chemistry and injection-molding technology to make these.
I still buy this shit, though.

4. Diet Pet Food

Diet dog food

Try explaining THIS to a starving African.

5. Handicapped Parking at the trailhead…for HIKING trails.
Handicapped
I’m not kidding. I know places where these exist!
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh.   But someone is going out of their way to walk 2 miles, then they can walk the extra 50 feet from the parking lot like the rest of us.

6. Getting upset over “Merry Christmas”

Holidays
If this is one of our biggest gripes in December, then we deserve COAL in our stocking.
What would our grandparents think, who fought for our freedom in WW II?
Warms their heart, this probably does.

7. Digitally colorizing old movies
Stooges
Thank God no one ever has to suffer the trauma of watching something in black and white any more.

8. Bo-Tox
botox

We dont’ want to look old.   So we inject POISON into our face.
Makes sense to me.

9. Blogging about Twitter, and Twittering about Blogging

escher-moebius
Talk about a self-perpetuating Jerkle Cirque.
We need to get better hobbies.  Seriously.


10. Mt. Mitchell’s  Observation Deck

Mt. Mitchell

When you take the highest peak east of the Mississippi and pave a road to the top, that’s one thing.
But when you make it wheelchair accessible, well, that kinda of ruins whatever’s left of the wilderness experience.

11. Bagel-Fuls

Bagelful

Apparently, spreading cream cheese on a bagel is TOO MUCH WORK.   This must be why they came up with these abominations.

12. Cell phones that can be used as a carpenter’s level.

dual-level

It’s about TIME!!!
Next, I hear they’re working on phones that will actually be able to send and receive voice signals.

13. Car GPS’s

Car GPS
Our ancestors navigated across uncharted waters to colonize the New World.

Today, we’re too dumb-ass to even read a map to find the mall.

14. Bling water (at $38 a pop)
Bling
No wonder half the planet hates us.

15.  20-foot inflatable Gorillas
Gorilla

Google it.  You’ll be surprised at how many there are.
You have to admit.   It’s a proud moment for a civilization when it has progressed to the point where it can actually support people who’s job it is to make and sell these things.
I want one in my yard.

The Lonely Blogger

April 8, 2009

lonely

Are there ANY other bloggers out there who  ….

…don’t think Twitter is more important than the Second Coming?

…fail to see the difference between a “Link Post” and a “Blog Carnival”?

…think a “meme” nothing but a glorified  chain letter?

…just for today, don’t feel like Saving the Planet?

…aren’t Life Coaches?

…really couldn’t give a flying fox fart when another blogger announces they might skip a couple of posts?

…don’t necessarily think that absolutely EVERYTHING George Bush ever did was 100% wrong?

…haven’t self-actualized yet? (Or are instructing everyone else on how to?)

…are actually happier with MORE money, than less?

…dislike Crunchy Granola?

…want to know what someone’s actual tax return looks like, when they claim they’ve earned “six figures” by blogging?

…think we don’t fully understand Global Warming yet, and that we should continue to examine both side of the argument?

…don’t understand the appeal of quitting a well-paid 9-to-5 cubicle job, in exchange to being being your own boss, working 70-hour weeks and starving?

…believe that self-improvement and inner peace can’t readily obtained by simply reading someone else’s “how-to” list?

…think Chat Rooms basically accomplished the same thing that Twitter does, only they did it 10 years ago?

…drives a car, eats red meat, and uses plastic grocery bags?

…thinks of “Social Media” as just fancy words for vegetating in front of a computer screen, and chatting to strangers we’ll never meet?

…doubt whether our lives can be changed by merely reading a few selectedwords from some famous person?

…don’t feel like paying $150 for an E-book that will be obsolete in 6 months.   Especially if you can get a similar hard-copy at a regular bookstore, for a fraction of the price.

…wonders that if we all want to earn a living sitting at our computers typing to each other, who will actually be out there farming the fields, maintaining the infrastructure and running the country?

…don’t want to be lectured to, inspired, or enlightened, but just want to be entertained?

Blogging for Nickels…

March 22, 2009

blog-nickel

I wish I had a nickel for every blog I read that…

…gives me a list of  “tips” on how I can improve my life.
Seems everyone’s an expert on the subject, except me.

…kicks me in the arse, because I haven’t self-actualized and fulfilled all my dreams yet.
(Because like I said, everyone’s an expert on how to run my own life, except me).   What they don’t mention is: it really helps to have a spouse or significant other who holds down a day job, allowing you to sit at home all day and blog.

…tells me how easy it is to make money blogging
Notice nobody ever says how MUCH money they make, or how many hours they have to put in to earn it?  (Methinks if it sounds too good to be true, it probably IS).

…posts a cutesy photo of their kids,
Which of course will trigger an avalanche of estrogen, as adoring moms come out of the woodwork, and gush over how adorable the little rug-rat is.

…is a link post
Always a sure winner, when someone doesn’t know what to write about on their own.

…cites a famous quote
Why do we constantly obsess over what everyone ELSE has said?    Can’t we think on our own?  Just because someone’s a millionaire, or a dead poet, doesn’t necessarily mean their word is as good as gold.  (How do we know these people didn’t beat their dog or were addicted to Meth or something?)

…states the blatantly obvious, and passes it off as wisdom
I really love it when bloggers feel they need to explain “No-Duh” things,  like “eating and sleeping properly is important”.  And then everyone else chimes in at how wonderful this new-found information is.

Thank you…(sob).  THANK YOU!

How did we EVER survive before Blogo-Land was around impart these pearls of wisdom to us?

What next? Remember to continue to keep breathing to sustain life?

…moves someone to tears
20 years ago, seems people only cried at weddings or funerals.   Nowadays, all it takes is for someone quote a few lines from a poem, and then WAAAHHH!  Watch the Kleenex fly!

If we ever had to fight the equivalent of World War II again, this time, I think we’d lose.

…mentions Twitter
It’s the latest Flavor-of-the-Month.   (Notice we hardly hear about S.E.O. anymore?)

…is Vegetarian
Aren’t there any Meat-Eaters anymore?

…tells me how to write, but never provides any actual examples.
God forbid, should we ever see an original short story or some poetry.

…blogs about how to blog.
Boy.  Talk about a self-fulfilling hobby.

…sells an E-book, which tells you how to make money by selling E-books
(Ponzi would be proud).

…encourages professional wannabees.
Sorry.  Just because you can string together 250 words on what the cat puked up for breakfast does not necessarily make you a WRITER.  Neither does posting lame-ass digital photographs make you a PHOTOGRAPHER.     (I think it takes a little bit more than that consider yourself a professional).

…takes itself way too seriously
Seems that for every funny blog, there’s about fifty that are not.   We’re so damned busy coaching and inspiring each other, we’ve forgotten our sense of humor.    We need to lighten up and LAUGH!  (Life’s too short!)

…bitched about other blogs, as much as The Deep Friar does.
😉