Posted tagged ‘carbon footprint’

Foods You’re Supposed to Feel Guilty About Eating

January 20, 2010

McDonalds (or any Fast-Food, basically)
Okay…putting the fact aside that you’re killing one of God’s creatures by eating animal flesh…

OMG…did you see Supersize Me?    The dude ate nothing but McDonalds for 2 days, and his liver self-combusted!   Seriously!

That junk is just grease and fat.  You shouldn’t eat it…ever, ever,  EVER.

Not to mention they’re cutting down rain forests to raise the beef for these large corporations.

For every Big Mac you buy, 10 more species become extinct.

Enjoy.   I hope you can live with yourself.   Tree-killer.


Cold Cuts
Full of sodium and nitrates and chemicals.   Forget what Jared says.  Deli meats are BAD for you.

Hang your head in shame, if you were going to eat a Sub.

Store-Bought Soup
So you think maybe you can avoid greasy burgers or sub sammitches, and eat more healthy by having some soup, instead?

Guess again.  It’s full of enough sodium to kill a horse.

All soup is bad, bad BAD.  (Unless you spend 12 hours cooking it yourself, over a hot stove…so long as it’s salt-free).


Cholesterol.   Bad.   Duh.

Ooh.  You have to be careful.    A lot of it has FAT.   Make sure you avoid those like the plague.

Try to be like those 80-lb ladies on the TV commercials.   If they get the munchies, they’re perfectly happy with the fat-free, flavour-free yogurt, served in thimble-sized containers.

Well, not all of it is Free-Trade.    So every time you buy that Hershey Bar, you’re probably exploiting a child laborer in Guatemala.

For SHAME! You oughta be wearing a hair shirt, for what you’ve just done.

Not to mention, it has fat and sugar, which is BAD for you.

If you absolutely MUST….permit yourself one square of dark, unsweetened chocolate, once a month, whether you deserve it or not.

(I know that’s decadent, but hey, what’s the point of life if you can’t enjoy the finer things?)


White Bread
Yes, I know you loved Wonder Bread as a kid.  But that stuff is basically poison, what with it being full of bleached flour and formaldehyde.

Plus it will send your glycemic index through the roof.  I’m surprised our parents weren’t charged with child abuse for feeding it to us.

The only bread you should eat is whole-wheat.  Preferably 24-grain.   Even better, if there are pieces of wheat chaff and prairie dirt stuck in the dough.



Well, now you have to be careful about that too.

If it’s the farmed kind, they’ve been shown to be harmful to the wild stocks.     And if it’s wild, they’re being overfished and you shouldn’t be eating them.

Best to stay away from salmon altogether, to be safe.


Fish in General
The worlds oceans are being depleted.   So stay away from endangered fish, like red tuna, sea bass, orange roughy, monkfish, two-fish, red-fish, blue-fish…

And crustaceans and shellfish…well, they’re full of toxins too.

If you MUST have seafood, go the beach, and skim some algae off the rocks.


Iceberg Lettuce
I know it’s crunchy, but it’s mostly water and has almost no nutritional value.   C’mon.  You KNOW you can do better.

Next time you weed your garden,  make a salad of it.   It’s surprisingly bitter.


Soda Pop
The old kind made with sucrose was bad enough.  But now almost everything is made of high-fructose corn-syrup.   Which messes with your body’s insulin levels, and contributes to obesity.


Diet Soda Pop
Can you trust man-made chemicals?   Too much aspartame is probably bad for you.

Club Soda

Guess again.  Too much sodium.


Bottled Water
WRONG!!!!  Because you’re killing the planet, and Baby Jesus cries, every time you buy a plastic bottle.

Tap Water
As long as it’s properly filtered, to remove the trace amounts of heavy-metals.  (You can never trust municipal water!)

(Oh, and make sure you dispose of your filter properly…used filters are considered hazardous waste.)


Fresh Fruit
The store-bought kind is full of pesticides and toxins.  It’ll kill you.

The only fruit you should eat, is organically grown, and local.   Because you should be sticking to the 100-mile-diet.

So for most of North America (especially Canada), this means only apples, pears, plums, peaches, strawberries, blueberries.  But ONLY for the 5-6 days a year they’re actually in season.

Forget citrus fruit (unless you live in Florida or California).

And tropical fruit (papayas, bananas, kiwis, etc..) are a definite No-No.     Think of the carbon footprint involved in shipping these to your grocery store.

For every non-local fruit you buy, it’s like an ice-floe melts and a baby polar bear drowns.

The Cardiac Breakfast Special (3 eggs, toast, bacon, sausage, ham, pancakes, smothered in lard)
Okay…WHAT are you THINKING?

Have you even been reading this post?

Go to your room.  Right now.   And give yourself a Time-Out!!!

Do I have to come down there?


So what’s left to eat?

Perhaps we can forage for nuts and berries.    Like chimps and other primates do.

(But wait…our urban sprawl has depleted the forests and grasslands.  The best nut-land has already been exploited!)

Oh well.

There’s always grass, I guess.


18 Tips Guaranteed to Save the Planet……and Make you Miserable!

January 22, 2009

Strictly adhere to the hundred-mile diet.    Which means no strawberries, pineapples, oranges, bananas, kiwi fruit, chocolate, mangoes, cashews, coffee, juices, tea, Irish Whiskey,  Champagne, most cheeses, and a lot of seafood.   … (Turnips from the root-cellar, anyone?)

Never go anywhere on vacation where you have to fly.    In fact, never fly AGAIN.  Jets leave a huge carbon footprint,  kill the ozone layer, and make Little Baby Jesus cry.   You can always enjoy the Grand Canyon or the Rocky Mountains from photos or post cards. 

Actually from now on, take ALL your vacation within walking distance from your home.    You don’t have to go anywhere to have fun.  Why not take those two weeks, and just spend quality time with the kids at the local playground?  (Won’t THAT be fun?).

Close all swimming pools, they waste space and use too much water.   Fill them in with compost and use them to cultivate organic lentils and lima beans.

Ban all forms of recreation that needlessly burn gas.   Like downhill skiing, motor boats, ski-doos, ATV’s,  hunting and fishing trips etc.    Let’s make “Walking” the new National Pastime.

Don’t exercise TOO vigorously, or you’ll burn too many calories and have to eat more, thus putting demands on our already over-stressed food resources.  

Don’t contribute to Urban Sprawl.  Sell your house and move into a Soviet-style apartment blocks with 150 square feet of living space.    Take the money you save and give it to Africa.

Consider shutting off your power at 9:00 PM, like North Korea does.

Stop having pets.   It’s unconscionable to keep animals, when so many people in the world are starving.    Make do with a stuffed animal, or pet rock instead.   

Get rid of Christmas trees, and Christmas lights,  Christmas presents, and the Christmas turkey.    Donate the money to PETA and celebrate the Holidays with a modest vegetarian supper.

And your car?  Are you KIDDING?  Get rid of it!    Walk everywhere, regardless if it’s  minus 30 or plus 100.

It’s unlikely that those Easter Bunnies are made from free-trade chocolate.   To avoid any doubt, just don’t buy them altogether. 

Dont’ use hot water when you bathe.   (Sure, it’s cold..but think of the ENERGY you’ll save!)  While you’re at it..give up shaving (both men AND women).

Save trees and by eliminating toilet paper or feminine hygiene products.   Make do without, like they did in the 1700’s.

With the planet as overpopulated as it is, it’s almost criminal to make babies.   Forget about raising a child of your own:  those days are over.   Only adopt orphans from a third-world country like Brad and Angelina did.

Get rid of TV.   It’s a waste of time.   There is plenty to do instead.   Like stringing popcorn, playing the spoons, or churning butter.

Give up blogging.  (Computers contain heavy metals and non-recyclable components, not to mention they use up a lot of electricity).

Brush the dog and save the itchy hair to make a shirt.   You can wear it in public as you act out the Eco-martyr.