********************************************************
Rent the movie “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang“. And try to watch the scene where the little maggot-children sing “Truly Scrumptious” without vomiting.
Go on. I dare you.
********************************************************
Circus clowns with faces in white grease-paint. With bright flaming makeup applied around the eyes and mouth. Made to look like grimacing demons.
Seriously. Who’s the asshole who came up with the idea that this what small children LIKE and find FUNNY?
**********************************************************
I was skiing once, and saw someone smash into a wall in the Ski Terrain park.
As he lay on the ground, I came up to him and asked him if he was okay.
He just lay there on the ground, and started laughing like Beavis.
“Huh-huh-hhhuh-huh”.
Turned out he was a snow-boarder.
Big surprise, there.
*********************************************************
Getting back to the creepy circus clowns…
I hate them. I f#$%cking hate them.
And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Otherwise, why are the only clowns on TV nowadays portrayed as serial killers, and/or child molesters?
***********************************************************
Guys. If a women asks you “Does this dress make me look fat?” there is NO CORRECT ANSWER you can give.
My advice is to cover your ears, jump through the plate-glass window, and run into the street, screaming:
“LALALA…I can’t hear you!…LALALA!…“.
*******************************************************
Next time you’re frustrated at work, perhaps listening to some bozo drone on in a boring meeting, just imagine circus music playing in the background.
Do-do-Doodle oo Doop-Doo Doo-Doo…..
You’d be surprised at how much this helps.
***********************************************************
If parents are worried about high-fructose corn syrup, then maybe they should restrict their childrens’ access to those sugary-sweet goodie-goodie cartoons.
If a kid watches too many consecutive episodes of Caillou or the Berenstain Bears, they risk a diabetic coma.
C’mon, folks. Let’s give our kids’ pancreas a break.
Bring back the cartoons with falling anvils and cats swallowing dynamite.
********************************************************
If you were raised Catholic, at least once in your childhood, you were probably asked to give up candy during Lent.
And if you had asked “How does giving up candy make me a better person?”
an adult would invariably answer “It’s good for you. It builds character“.
It builds character.
For Chrissakes.
That’s their lame answer for EVERYTHING.
********************************************************
Driving a car, late at night, and fighting the urge to fall asleep at the wheel.
It’s quite amazing, when I think about it.
Despite the fact that I’m controlling a 2-ton cage of steel hurtling along at 70 mph,
my body is telling me that right now, it’s more important to take a nap.
I swear, my brain is trying to kill me.
********************************************************
I am not ashamed to admit, I have never read a single Sherlock Holmes book. Not a single one.
It’s been done and re-done so many times on TV and movies, I’m just so sick of it, already.
If I see ONE more person in the double-billed hat, with a pipe and magnifying glass, I’m gonna hurl.
I think I reached my saturation point when I saw Data from Star Trek dress up like this.
Right there, that pretty much killed any desire I had to ever read anything written by Arthur Conan Doyle.
******************************************************************
Notice how women dressed in the old movies in the 50’s and early 60’s? Their breasts were pointy, like torpedoes.
I think this was caused by radioactive fallout.
Because this coincides only too well with the time period during which the U.S. and Russia conducted atmospheric atom-bomb tests.
Anyway, that’s my theory.
********************************************************
A strip club in Montreal called “Le Gentleman’s Choice”.
If they had just called it “Gentleman’s Choice”, it would have violated Quebec’s Language Laws, and people would have gotten upset.
But adding “Le” to the exact same words apparently makes everything kosher.
And Quebec still wonders why the rest of Canada doesn’t understand them.
********************************************************
Hey, I got nothing against handicapped parking.
But when there’s a parking lot in the middle of nowhere, with nothing else around for miles, except a HIKING TRAIL….
…well, that’s where I draw the line.
Come on, people. You’re going to a HIKE. Do you REALLY need to park that extra 30 feet closer, at this point?
********************************************************
When you’re at Wall-Mart, and there’s a screaming kid in a shopping cart, here’s how you mess with him.
When Mom isn’t looking, mimic the kid and pretend to have a tantrum just like he’s doing.
Confuses the hell out of them, it does. They’ll stare at you in shocked silence for a few seconds.
Then quietly sneak away before the little rug-rat starts screaming again.
********************************************************
If you don’t understand the subtle difference between the English and French cultures in Canada, maybe this can help explain it:
When Peanuts cartoons are shown on English TV, Charlie Brown and Lucy’s voices are provided by actual children of the same age.
But when the same cartoon is shown in French, their voices are provided by adult actors speaking in squeaky voices, pretending sound like kids.
Dunno why. It’s just the it always is.
********************************************************
“Save the women and children first…!”.
Me being a single male…well, that’s just DANDY!.
********************************************************
People constantly make fun of the Professor on Gilligan’s Island.
They’ll ask: “If he can make a working radio and internal combustion engine out of palm leaves and coconut shells, how come he can’t fix a boat?”
Think about it, for a minute.
Slaving away in academia, applying for research grants, and marking papers till all hours of the morning.
Or being stuck on a tropical Island, with two gorgeous babes who crave male compansionship.
Which would YOU prefer?
Hmmmm…..maybe the Professor just didn’t WANT to fix the boat.
**********************************************************
If there’s one thing I can’t stand in fast-food places, is picking the shortest line, thinking I wont’ have to wait long.
Only to have the Mommy/Daddy in front of me inevitably place food orders for their entire litter of kids, each one requiring special dietary needs.
Now it’s suddenly the equivalent of having 12 people ahead of me.
“Uhh…I’ll have a happy meal, with no pickle. Another happy meal, but can I have a space Ranger Toy, but this time, the green Ranger, not the red one. I’ll have a burger, with 3/8th ketchup…and…uhhh….a cheeseburger with 10% more lettuce, and slice the bun diagonally…Ummm…do you have sarsaparilla? ..etc.
I say there ought to be a law: One person in line, for each food order.
Hey, I don’t care if your rug-rats will scream and act up.
Make the little beggars wait in line with the rest of us.
It will teach them patience. It will teach them about the real world.
And it will help build character! 😉
The Deep Friar 