Posted tagged ‘green’

How to have an Eco-Friendly, Guilt-Free Green Christmas

November 28, 2010

First of all, DON’T refer to it as “Christmas”.   It’s preferable to use “Inter-Denominational Winter Solstice Love-Your-Neighbor Happiness Group Hug Fun Day“.

Don’t use a tree, EVER.   Plastic trees consume non-renewable petroleum resources and the real ones kill trees.   Either way, three penguins DIE.

Avoid holiday treats.  Sugar is an addictive poison, 57% worse than DDT or Dioxin.

If you must treat yourself,  allow yourself 2-3 berries a day, preferably local ones that you’ve foraged for yourself.

Gifts must be stopped.   If you’re the type of materialistic consumer who insists on giving or receiving presents,  then hang your head in SHAME…you’re worse than Hitler!

Don’t use Christmas lights.   Every electric bulb raises the earth’s temperature by 0.00125  degree Celsius.

Save a turkey, and don’t eat meat for your Holiday dinner.

In fact, don’t even use vegetarian “Tofurkey” either.  Soya beans have just as much of a right to live as you do.

Instead of eating,  why not try to photosynthesize?   We can accomplish anything, if we put our minds to it.

Turn the thermostat down.   You can safely maintain a balmy indoor temperature of 35 F without the pipes bursting.

Avoid playing Christmas carols:  DVD players or radios consume electricity which causes baby polar bears to DROWN.

On the night of the Solstice, why not form a drum-circle instead, and chant your good vibes to Mother Earth?

Go to your family doctor, and ask them to remove all your sense of fun and child-like wonder.

Wear a hair shirt, if you have one.

Spend the holidays with the lights turned off, the window blinds drawn, and contemplate how fortunate you are compared to the rest of the planet.


18 Tips Guaranteed to Save the Planet……and Make you Miserable!

January 22, 2009

Strictly adhere to the hundred-mile diet.    Which means no strawberries, pineapples, oranges, bananas, kiwi fruit, chocolate, mangoes, cashews, coffee, juices, tea, Irish Whiskey,  Champagne, most cheeses, and a lot of seafood.   … (Turnips from the root-cellar, anyone?)

Never go anywhere on vacation where you have to fly.    In fact, never fly AGAIN.  Jets leave a huge carbon footprint,  kill the ozone layer, and make Little Baby Jesus cry.   You can always enjoy the Grand Canyon or the Rocky Mountains from photos or post cards. 

Actually from now on, take ALL your vacation within walking distance from your home.    You don’t have to go anywhere to have fun.  Why not take those two weeks, and just spend quality time with the kids at the local playground?  (Won’t THAT be fun?).

Close all swimming pools, they waste space and use too much water.   Fill them in with compost and use them to cultivate organic lentils and lima beans.

Ban all forms of recreation that needlessly burn gas.   Like downhill skiing, motor boats, ski-doos, ATV’s,  hunting and fishing trips etc.    Let’s make “Walking” the new National Pastime.

Don’t exercise TOO vigorously, or you’ll burn too many calories and have to eat more, thus putting demands on our already over-stressed food resources.  

Don’t contribute to Urban Sprawl.  Sell your house and move into a Soviet-style apartment blocks with 150 square feet of living space.    Take the money you save and give it to Africa.

Consider shutting off your power at 9:00 PM, like North Korea does.

Stop having pets.   It’s unconscionable to keep animals, when so many people in the world are starving.    Make do with a stuffed animal, or pet rock instead.   

Get rid of Christmas trees, and Christmas lights,  Christmas presents, and the Christmas turkey.    Donate the money to PETA and celebrate the Holidays with a modest vegetarian supper.

And your car?  Are you KIDDING?  Get rid of it!    Walk everywhere, regardless if it’s  minus 30 or plus 100.

It’s unlikely that those Easter Bunnies are made from free-trade chocolate.   To avoid any doubt, just don’t buy them altogether. 

Dont’ use hot water when you bathe.   (Sure, it’s cold..but think of the ENERGY you’ll save!)  While you’re at it..give up shaving (both men AND women).

Save trees and by eliminating toilet paper or feminine hygiene products.   Make do without, like they did in the 1700’s.

With the planet as overpopulated as it is, it’s almost criminal to make babies.   Forget about raising a child of your own:  those days are over.   Only adopt orphans from a third-world country like Brad and Angelina did.

Get rid of TV.   It’s a waste of time.   There is plenty to do instead.   Like stringing popcorn, playing the spoons, or churning butter.

Give up blogging.  (Computers contain heavy metals and non-recyclable components, not to mention they use up a lot of electricity).

Brush the dog and save the itchy hair to make a shirt.   You can wear it in public as you act out the Eco-martyr.