Posted tagged ‘junk cereal’

The Cap’n is losing it

April 18, 2009

I was in the U.S. last week and I treated myself to Crunch Berry cereal.

This is actually a big deal, if you live in Canada and you’re a cereal fan like I am.

You see, we don’t HAVE Crunch Berries up here.

We USED to…back in the 70’s.  I remember Crunch Berries as a kid: big ~ 3/4 inch bright magenta strawberry-flavored spheres mixed in with the regular Cap’n Crunch Cereal. I used to pick around them, eating the yellow pieces, and saving the Crunch Berries till last.  It was AWESOME!

Then, suddenly, they stopped selling it in Canada.   I can’t remember the last time I had Crunch Berries.  At least 20 years ago.

So last weekend, when I was in Vermont, I bought myself a couple of boxes.  But I couldn’t help but notice a few things.


First of all, WTF is up with the Crunch Berries?   Now they’re considerately smaller (down to a ~ 1/2 inch diameter).   And they’d added a bunch of colors, including some flaming fluorescent green and blue. (Which, even by junk cereal standards, is kinda pushing it).

And you know what?…it’s NOT the same!

I mean, the cereal is okay…but it’s not like how I remember.  They’ve altered the berry/cereal surface area ratio.  It changes EVERYTHING.   You don’t get that sudden burst of red Crunch Berry flavor with the new smaller berries, than you did with the old larger ones.

Even more disturbing, is look at the Cap’n.   He ain’t quite right.   He looks a manic….The eyes are more buggy and lop-sided.   His smile is now more of a grimace (notice his teeth are showing).  And you can see right down past his tonsils.

He’s CHANGED, man!

If you don’t believe me,  see what he USED to look like, not to long ago.   His smile was gentler, he was more concerned about Trans-Fats, than about “Crunchetizing” us.   (Whatever THAT means!)


This sudden change in personality worries me.   Substance abuse, perhaps?

Is it possible the Cap’n might be tripping on something?  (The Crunch Berries themselves?).  Maybe he needs an intervention with the Trix Rabbit and the Lucky Charms leprechaun.


Sigh.  Why do things have to change?    If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

General Mills, please bring back the old Crunch Berry formula.


And get the Capn’ some professional help.


An Open Letter to Lucky Charms Cereal

January 21, 2009


Dear Shooting Star and Lucky Hat;

Didn’t you used to be the Orange Star and Green Clover?   Along with the Pink Heart and Yellow Moon, you used to be part of the Fab Four:  the original four marshmallows that made up Lucky Charms when it first came out.   We grew up with you and loved you.

But look at you now.  What happened?  You’ve obviously had some work done…you’ve enhanced your looks.  You’ve gone all Hollywood on us….You’ve CHANGED, man!
lc_red-balloonDear Red Balloon;

I dunno.   You don’t look like much of a balloon.  More like a blob.   I know you once helped Lucky escape from those thieving little shits who tried to steal you.  But that was like 20 years ago.  What have you done for us LATELY?

PS.  I hope your red dye doesn’t cause cancer.

Dear Blue Moon;

Hey, didn’t you used to be yellow!?
It’s too bad you felt you had to change your color.    You should accept yourself of who you, and embrace your yellow heritage.   We did.  It’s not about how you look, but how sweet you taste in the bowl.
lc_horseshoeDear Purple Horseshoe;

You were a late-comer.  But I admit, you’ve withstood the test of time, and you’re here to stay.  And we’ve grown to love you.   You’re the best purple breakfast marshmallow, ever.

lc_rainbow-hourglass1Dear Rainbow and Hour-Glass;

Well, Laaaah-Dee-Dah.

Lookit the new-fangled three-dimensional multicolored marshmallows!

You know, you look really cool.   And it probably took a NASA scientist to figure out a way to extrude you.    But you don’t really fool me.  You’re all show…and no substance.   If I close my eyes, you taste exactly the same as all your other corn-syrup-gelatin flavored buddies.

lc-heartDear Pink Heart;

In today’s hectic fast-paced society, where a typical attention span lasts for a minute, it’s good to see some things never change.  You’re still the same Pink Heart you were 40 years ago.   In fact, as far as I know you’re the ONLY marshmallow that’s still around from the original Fab Four.   Kudos to you for staying true to yourself.

PS.  Whatever happened to the Blue Diamond?   How come he got kicked out of your group?  He’s like the Pete Best of breakfast cereals.

And last but not least:
lc_cerealDear Cereal

Uhhh…thanks for coming out.

General Mills tries to advertise that you’re now made of “Whole grains”.   “Part of a Good Breakfast”.   (Snicker).  Yeahhh…Right.  😀

As IF that little bit of fibre will make up for the fact that the Lucky Charms itself is 40% by weight sugar! (Yes!  40%!   Check the box!)

But seriously.  You’re NOT really that important.  We don’t necessarily like you.  We tolerate you.

You’re basically filler to spread the marshmallows around, so that kids don’t end up eating pure candy for breakfast.    You could be sawdust, for all anyone cares.

If you don’t believe me, just try to make it on your own, WITHOUT the marshmallows.   (Yeah…That’ll work!)    See how long you last.

Breakfast Cereal Haiku

January 4, 2009


 Just follow your nose.
Talking toucans make no sense.
Why is he British?

Apple Jack flavour.
The actual apples here:
Parts per million. 

Mean children don’t share.
Trix are for kids, they will tease.
Making Rabbit cry.

Oh, Captain, your food! 
Yes it stays crunchy in milk.
But it hurts the mouth.

Never has puffed wheat.
Ever been pursued so much.
By the Noble Bear. 

Catch the Leprechaun!
Steal his food which is not ours.
Children need spanking.

Bellowing Tiger,
I will buy your cereal.
Please do not eat me.

Pebble-shaped fruit rocks. 
That one cave man will forbid.
His friend from eating. 

For crying out loud.
Fred don’t be such an asshole.
Just give Barney some.  

Chocolate Vampire.
What happened to your Brother ?
Where’s FrankenBerry?

How can half-sugar
Be part of a Good Breakfast?
Help! Diabetes! 

The prize in the box
Compared to the cereal
Has more nutrition.