Posted tagged ‘maximizing traffic’

Limited Time Offer: Learn SEO with this Certified On-Line Blog Course

January 19, 2009

THE UNIVERSITY OF BLOGO-LAND

Proudly presents the

U.B.L. Certified Master’s Diploma

in Über-Blogging.

Taught by the Illustrious Dr. Friar.  (Ph.D, M.Sc, P.B.S, F.U.Bar, Ei-Ei-Oh)

Course Curriculum

Session 1

  • Self-Awareness 101:  Learn why your opinion is so God-damned important that the Blogosphere cannot possibly survive without you.
  • The Fundamentals of Food Martyrdom:   Laser-focusing your productivity by neglecting to to eat and sleep.
  • Smugness 101:   Why it’s not us, it’s the REST of the non-blogging world that doesn’t “get it”.
  • Nutrition Awareness:   Learn about the Four Basic Blogger Food Groups:  sugar, salt, caffeine, and fat.
  • Open Forum:  Should you really be reading 500 blogs a day?  (Damn right, you should!) We tell you why.


Sesssion 2

  • The joys of self-actualization:  Giving up that miserable 9-to-5 cubicle job, in exchange for a stress-free 85-hour workweek being your own boss.
  • Open Forum:    SEO.  How often should we mention it?  Every post?   Or every 2nd post?
  • Network Approach to Brown-Nosing: How to maximize your traffic by sucking up to the other Über-Bloggers
  • Overcoming Anxiety: That big yellow thing up in the sky.  It’s called THE SUN.  (Try to get out more.)
  • E-book Case Study:   How I earned $1200 in one night….then nothing for the next 28 months.

Session 3

  • Support Group:   Dealing with the guilt of missing  a post. (Paramedics available upon request.)
  • Addiction Counseling:   Twitter:  Is it the new Crack Cocaine?
  • Achieving Financial Independence:  Convincing your spouse to work full-time to support you, while you pull in a whopping four-figure salary.
  • Couples Counselling:  Do I want a relationship with my blog?   Should I break up?   Or should we just be good friends?
  • Advanced Navel-gazing:   Who are we?  Why do we blog?   How does this fit in with the Grand Unified Field Theory?
  • Video Demonstration:   Yoga techniques designed to get your head out of your arse (Prerequisite:  Advanced Navel Gazing).

Session 4

  • Vacation Tips:   Finding discount tickets to Lah-Lah Land, and staying there as long as necessary.
  • Open Forum Discussion:   Benfits/downfalls of wearing Depends.  (When is it okay to leave your computer to go to the bathroom?)
  • Filling the Void:   How to blog about blogging without actually writing anything of any substance.
  • Learning to prioritize.    Blogging.   Blogging.  Blogging.  And more blogging.
  • Intro to Divorce Law:  How to keep custody of your lap-top after your spouse leaves you for blogging too much.

*************************************

Note:  This course is available for a LIMITED TIME only.

The price today is $225.17.

But by NEXT FULL MOON, it will double triple quadrulple  to $900.68

So…

ACT NOW!

(ARRRRGH!!)

KIDS!!!   For the LOVE OF GOD…!

ACT NOW!

SIGN UP for Dr. Friar’s Course!

If you don’t, you’ll REGRET it for the REST of your God-Forsaken Miserable EXCUSE for A LIFE!

If you DON’T BELIEVE US, check out these ASTOUNDING Testimonials from ACTUAL written text!

“It was…er….interesting.”
Professor F. Meigh.   University of Uptown on the Chudleigh.

“Read this…and it will make you cry”
–   Oprah Mom

“That Dr. Friar.   That guy…what a character!”
– Ölaf ThuynderFrûcken

“After taking this course, I feel that it was money spent”
– Dick Weed

“…much more pleasant than sitting in a dentists’ chair, if they don’t use Novocain”.
– Fallopia M. Ornice.

Advertisements

Running with the Pack: How to Blog Inside the Box

November 11, 2008

Anyone who strings 500 words together describing what the cat upchucked at breakfast automatically qualifies as a serious, professional “Writer”.

The only reason we’re not all best-selling novelists has nothing to do with our writing skills or talent.  It’s because we haven’t decided to write that first draft yet.   That’s all it takes, really.

Our entire economy can apparently run on the basis of everyone sitting at home, typing to each other on our computers.   Anyone can earn six figures doing this:  the only reason we aren’t is that we’re obviously not trying hard enough.

You know those blogs that everyone likes?    Let everyone know how COOL you think they are.   (You can never praise the Cool Kids enough!)

Freelance writers who work 70 hours a week, shivering in basement apartments eating Ramen Noodles are infinitely superior to the poor bastards working 9-to-5 cubicle-jobs earning $90K.

The market can easily accommodate hundreds of thousands of new authors.    It’s just that those Fat-Cat publishing companies won’t allow it.

If you must discuss politics, just remember to keep it Left-of-Center.    (We know Conservatives are evil, because the Blogosphere tells us so).

You can never post enough itemized lists on how to Improve your Life.   The more lists, the better.

Word of advice:  the Emperor always DOES have clothes!   (Just go with the flow).

Every one of us, regardless of our background, is a Qualified Life Coach.   What works for us, will work for the whole planet.  If ONLY they would listen.

Forget Doctors, Teachers, Engineers, Social Workers, Aid Workers, etc.   It is We…the BLOGGERS, that the world depends on.

In fact, pick a problem.   Any problem.  Like Global Warming or World Hunger.    We can solve it by talking about it for one day.

You can never get enough famous quotes.   They answer all of Life’s challenges or tough questions.  The more you post, the better.

If you don’t post any quotes, then comment how reading one made you burst into tears of inspiration and self-awareness.

It’s important to get lots of blog traffic and comments, but not TOO much, otherwise it wastes your time.   It’s up to your readers to know the perfect balance.

Anyone with a digital camera is capable of producing National Geographic-quality photos.   There is no such thing as bad lighting or poor composition.  Whether it’s a pristine mountain scene or a fetid cesspool, it doesn’t’ matter:  any photo that’s posted is absolutely EXQUISITE, and is worthy of goosebumps and gasps of awe.

It’s crucial to maintain that emotional instability:   at any given moment, be prepared to roll of the floor in hysterical laughter, or burst into fits of uncontrolled sobbing.

Remember that Cool-Kids’ blog that everyone likes?    If they fart,  it’s important to comment how it smells like oven-fresh cinnamon buns.

Forget about posting any actual ORIGINAL creations (like passages from your novel, some poetry or a short story).   What IS important is to write about that fact that you’re writing.

Our blogs are SO IMPORTANT, that we have a RESPONSIBILITY to keep posting our random thoughts.    If we go away for the weekend or miss a post,  it’s important to let the World know.   Otherwise,  our readers will rend their garments, lose Faith in Humanity, and and Civilization (As We Know It) will END.

Finally…

Group Hug, everyone.  (Then weep with joy, as we all are one community).   😉