Posted tagged ‘office’

A Break from the Cube Farm…

May 30, 2008

Very rare situation at work today…My two other office mates are gone.   I have the room to myself.

(Sob!)  Pardon me, I’m getting emotional here.  

It’s just been so long…so, so long.  I’ve forgotten what this is like.  

I’m not crammed in like a sardine.  I don’t have to listen to five different conversations at once.   I can actually hear myself think. 

And (gasp!) I’m ACTUALLY GETTING MORE WORK DONE!

All this, from being alone in quiet room.   Who’da thunk it?   

WOW….what a concept!

Someone should suggest this as a radical new way to increase productivitiy.  

 

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Motivational Posters for Dummies

April 25, 2008

I never understood the appeal of those motivational posters that people pay big bucks for.  Do these pictures actually inspire anyone?  Or do the office-keeners just hang them on their cubicle wall, because that’s what they’re expected to do, to demonstrate “leadership” and to impress others?

Because frankly, I think these posters are bullshit.  In my opinion, almost idiot can make up a motivational poster, and I’ll prove it right now. 

Pick any photo you like, put it on Abode Photoshop, and add some touchy-feely words in italics.  

That’s it.  That’s the secret. 

For example, here’s a vacation snapshot I took of the Oregon coast, to which I’ve added some words which I made up on the spur of the moment:

 

Ooooh…now isn’t that DEEP?    If you were my boss and I put this up on my wall, wouldn’t you think I was a pro-active motivated team player? 

Now remember, people, I’ve been making these up on the spot.  There was little or no thought put into this.  

Let’s try another.  Something a bit more inspirational, for the spiritually-minded:

 

You know, I surprise even myself that I’ve been able to come up with these so quickly. (In fact, it’s taking longer to enter everything onto my Blog than it was to Photo-shop these pictures).

Wheeee!  I’m having fun.  This is too easy!   Let’s try another:

 

 Sniff, sniff.  (Okay, I know there is a grammar mistake, but I’m still getting all choked up.)   Oprah herself would be reduced to tears.

Notice how I’ve been using the same photo.    That’s what’s great about motivational posters.   The relationship between the pictures and the words is totally irrelevant.  Anything works.   See?….

 

Now tell me that isnt’ just as good as something you’d order from expensive office supply store.  (Geez, I should be a consultant, and get paid big bucks for this!)

I can also have a bit of fun and make a smart-ass poster like they do in Despair Inc. (which is actually a hilarious site worth checking out). 

Heh heh heh.  Personally, I like this last one the best.   At least it’s honest.

 

Super-achieving for a Cup of Coffee…

April 24, 2008

 An extra cup of coffee a day. 

That’s the extra bonus I could end up with this year, if I’m a really, REALLY GOOD little worker bee at the Widget Factory.

It works this way.   Our annual pay raises are pretty much pre-set.   If you do an adequate job, put in your 37.5 hours a week, doing just what’s required, you will earn a “Good” rating in your performance review.   Your pay raise will be something like 5 percent.   (Okay, fair enough.)

But, on the other hand, if you a great job,  bust your butt, and exceed your job description, your performance review could be rated “Excellent”.  And your pay increase will be something like 5 percent, plus another $500. 

So let me get this straight.   You can spend an entire year, putting in overtime, asking for more work, and going above and beyond the call of duty.  And in exchange, you will get a whole five hundred dollars more than someone who only did a so-so job.

You have got to be shitting me.

After taxes, that’s an extra $250 in take-home pay.  Divide that by 200 working days a year, and you get $1.25 a day.  Which just about covers the cost of one cup of coffee from our overpriced cheesy cafeteria.

Hardly seems worth it, does it?

Especially when everything is based on a quota system.  You see, it’s graded on a bell curve, so almost everyone gets rated as “Good” and only very few will ever be rated “Excellent”.

So even if you did invest all that time chaffing the rod and singing the company song, and your poo smelled like oven-fresh cinnamon rolls, you might STILL only end up with a “Good”, because the last “Excellent” was already given out to some Uber-Keener in another department.

Tell you what, Widget Factory.   I’ll work just hard enough to meet my requirements.  No more. No less.   And you can keep your cup of coffee.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s quitting time and the lake is calling.  I have some bass to catch…