Posted tagged ‘old people’

The Vikings Versus the Eldâr KrΦnes, Part II.

December 10, 2009

When we last left our Viking friends in Part I,  the Eldâr-KrΦnes had taken over the village of SmelBaäd, and the villagers were quite upset.   They had demanded Olaf Thunderfröck, their Chieftain, do something about it.

Olaf knew this was a delicate matter, as the Viking Code forbade them to use force against the frail, doddering old KrΦnes.   He knew he must first seek counsel with Clöst Aerfrök, the Village Elder.

“O, Worthy Clöst!  You who are so wise such matters.  How are we to rid the village of these cursed Eldâr-KrΦnes?”

“By Odin!  That is a not an easy question to answer”, said Clöst.    “Let me search through the tribal records of Viking Knowledge, and I shall have a solution by morning”.

And well into the early ours of the morning, did Clöst pore over pages and pages of old sagas, records, spells and charms.

“Let’s see….I think I’ve found something…Eldar KrΦnes…also known as Oöld Phårtes…related to the bat family.   From the old legends, miserable in their youth, never knew laughter….doomed by the Gods to walk the Earth as older versions of the same….. Can only be controlled by….yes..yes!   I think I see know!   Fenrir be praised! I’ve GOT IT!!!”

At dawn, Clöst came to the village square and excitedly started giving instructions.

“You!  Young lad!  Gather your friends!  I want you all to behave as jackasses.   Be loud. Be obnoxious.  Pull your pants down.   Curse as much as you want, using the worst language possible.

“But my Mother told me a Viking should never curse, until at least after breakfast”, the young man said.

“Never mind.   Tell your Mother you have my permission.   Just DO IT!”

“…And you, women!”, Clöst continued.   ” Assemble as much pungent lutefisk, pickled eggs, and ale you can.   Men!  I want you FEAST! ”

“But this hardly seems like a time to celebrate and get drunk”, exclaimed one of the wives.

“No time to explain…”, said Clöst.   “You shall have to trust me..just DO IT”.

Soon, the children were following Clöst’s instruction to a tee, parading around the square, and indeed behaving like jackasses.

Young Gunnar started crying “Yo! Yo! Yo!” with a pot on his head, with his pants pulled down.   His friends started following suit.

And this did not please the Eldâr-KrΦnes.

“Shocking!”, scolded one.

“Such lack of respect”, hissed the other.

Then, the children started their swearing.

“Fjörk you!”  “Kyúnge!”  “Eat my Skyärthang!”s

“My word”, exclaimed the first KrΦne.    “Such filth!”

“Children today”, said the second.   “What shall become of us?”

Meanwhile, the men were actively involved in their feast, enjoying their food and drink as Vikings normally do.

And soon the pickled eggs and lutefisk began to take its effect.

“Pull my finger”, said Läars.

“No, pull MINE”, said Kyevin.

“Let as ALL pull our fingers!”

And soon the air was clapping with Viking Thunder.

“Such manners!”,  seethed a KrΦne

“Atrocious!”, fumed another.  “My word, I don’t know how much more I can stand of this!”

Suddenly,  Bjorgolf the Berserker looked pale, and said “I do not feel so good.   Perhaps I had too much ale”.

“Hmph, serves you right.”  the lead KrΦne said.

“No, seriously, I do not feel so good.  You better stand back”

“Land sakes.   I will do no such thing”

But before anyone could say anything, The Berserker let loose an rip-roaring, earth-shattering, sky-rendering Viking BURP…the likes of which would be worthy of Thor himself!

This was the final straw, too much for even the Eldâr-KrΦnes to bear.    And how could they?   Not being Vikings, they had no idea of how to deal with Berserkers.

“Well, I NEVER!”, screeched one.

“Me, neither!”, chimed another.

“I will have no part of such vulgarity!”, seethed a third.

And suddenly, the Eldâr-KrΦnes returned to the cold, north sea, from whence they came, cursing and grumbling the whole time.

“Tell all your friends about us….if you have any.” taunted the villagers.   “And don’t come back!”

Later that night, at the celebration bonfire,  Olaf asked Clöst:  “How did you know?”.

“Once I found the answer, it was easy”, Clöst laughed.   “According to the Legend, Eldâr-KrΦnes despise youth,  vulgar behaviour, and rude table manners”.   And being Vikings, our village has an abundance of all three.   It was a just matter of letting our true nature show, and the problem solved itself.”

And the rejoicing, pillaging and burning went well into the night.

And life was good again, in the Village of SmelBaäd.

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Things I Look Forward to Doing When I Get Old

November 10, 2009

Drive Less Than the Speed Limit
And not one iota faster.    If the other drivers don’t like it, tough.  I’ll have paid my taxes, I’ll use this road and drive any speed I want, God-dammit.a
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Forget How to Park
Goes hand-in-hand with the above.

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Cut in Line at Fast-Food Restaurants.
There is an art to this.  The secret is to wander up front to the counter, while doddering and looking just confused enough that people feel sorry for you.  Then all of the sudden, you regain your mental faculties, and place your order ahead of everyone.  (HAH!   Suckers…!)

This can apply to any line, actually.
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Wear Abominable Golf Clothes
I already have my wardrobe picked out for the Back Nine.   Lime-green pants with white belt, cinched up under my arm-pits.  Chartreuse golf shirt, black socks and white sandals.

Not to mention the big white hat with matching lime-green pom-pom.     Golfing is optional.
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Learn Senior Profanity
As a Senior, the F-bomb just won’t cut it anymore.   Now I’ll be encouraged (nay, expected) to use profanity only the over-80 crowd can get away with.    I can’t wait to use curse-words like  “Land Sakes”,  “My Word”, and “Consarn it”.   And let’s not forget the timeless classic:  “Jumping Jehoshaphat”.

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Pay with Exact Change
Apparently, it’s against the law for Seniors to break bills as long as they possess coins.     But the bonus is that they get to watch the young people get all flustered and annoyed, while they fish for exact change from their patented Gray-Head™ Change-Purse.   I can just imagine the entertainment I’ll get holding up the line (which I’ll have already cut into in the first place).

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Shop only at Lunch and at 5:00 PM
Never mind that I’ll be retired and can shop anytime I want.    No, I’m gonna fun and mess with the young folks some more, and I’ll coincide my errands with their lunch break and when they just get off work.   All while cutting in line and paying with exact change, of course.
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Be Opinionated as Hell with Impunity.
I learned this from my Dad.   After he turned 65, his attitude was:  “If people don’t like what I say, they can go to Hell.  It’s their problem, not mine.”

It’s true.   When you’re that old, you can say politically incorrect things that would have otherwise gotten you punched out if you were 25.   But now, people will just accept it and sigh: Well, he’s OLD…”

65 is when it starts.   And the older you get, the more you can get away with.a
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Fear and Loathe the New Technology
Sometime, 30 years from now, there will be the next newest gizmo, the equivalent of the latest i-Phone or Guitar-Hero.   It will be really easy to operate,  maybe requiring you to press just two buttons.

And I won’t be able to use it, because I can’t learn how.    (Or won’t learn how).
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Mistrust Teenagers
I’m only 45, but already, they’re starting to annoy me.

That’s how it all begins, I suppose…

Things I WON’T do, when I retire.

March 25, 2009

old-man-jenkins

Hose down my driveway.
Note to seniors:  a driveway means cars can DRIVE on it.   It is outside…it is ALLOWED to get dirty.

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Become a Lawn-Nazi
An obsessive-compulsive perfectly-groomed lawn (along with a hosed-down driveway) is a sure sign that someone has way, WAY too much free time on their hands.

If I ever get to that point, I’ll watch Oprah.  Or volunteer.  Or something.

I dunno…maybe bake Braille cookies for the blind.  Or knit sweaters for homeless chihuahuas….ANYTHING but groom my lawn.

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Hang out at the office where I used to work.
If I’m going to pal around any former co-workers, it won’t be with the whole damned group, it will be with a few selected best friends.    And it will be at home, at the pub, or at Tim Horton’s…whatever.

One thing I can tell you…it will certainly NOT be in the dingy basement cafeteria where we all used to work.

(Do the words “GET A LIFE” mean anything to anyone?)

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Buy a FLY and drive in a caravan with all the other FLY’s
(FLY = F**king Land Yacht = those monster RV’s that are so damned big, they have their own Zip Code.)

Oh, don’t get me started!  I can’t even begin to list all the reasons I hate these gas-guzzling behemoths.  (It will probably have to be a separate blog post in itself).

But let’s say experienced severe head trauma, and I somehow changed my mind and eventually DID own a big Land Yacht.

Then least I’d get off the beaten path, and I’d explore the scenic back-roads my own.

The LAST thing I’d want to do is play follow-the-leader at 35 mph on the Interstate….with a herd of other FLY-driving Greyheads doing exactly the same thing.

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Fear new technology
I had a relative who had all her marbles right to the very end, and she was a very smart woman.   She survived Nazi occupation, and immigrated to Canada and successfully raised a family.

But she just had this one mental block in her old age:  she could not operate a tape deck.

She’d play her audio book till the tape ended. Then would literally wait hours for someone to come home, so they could take the tape out and flip it over to the B-side.

I don’t understand.   I mean……a three-year- old can do this!

I think it was more of a case of “would not”, rather than “could not”.    I hope I never get like that.

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Participate in lame-ass activities  just because that’s what all other retirees seniors do.
I can see myself enjoying fishing, curling, or golf or camping.   These are activities that everyone enjoys, both young and old.

But it’s the other pastimes  I don’t understand:  bingo, square-dancing, tai-chi for seniors, etc…

Nobody EVER did these when they were in their 20’s.   So what’s the story here?

When you turn 70, does the “Old-Fart” switch go off in your head and suddenly you decide you WANT to lawn-bowl?

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Continue Investing in High-Risk Equities
You constantly hear stories about seniors losing their retirement fund, because they had invested in stocks and the market crashed.

Well, I’m sorry…but DUHHHH!!    WHAT were you thinking? (Especially in today’s market!)

When you come down to it, it’s basically all about greed….these people had a nest egg, and they wanted it bigger.

On a scale of 10, as a financial expert, I rate maybe a 1.2.   But even a doofus like me knows that when you approach your golden years, you’re supposed to transfer your investments into low-risk funds and bonds, and not gamble your life savings.

(Sorry, I don’t plan on buying cat food, when I don’t own a cat.)

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Work shitty jobs
OMG…if I’m 70 years old, and I’m a Wall-Mart Greeter, or I’m flipping hamburgers at McD’s with the other 16-year-olds, then I’ve FAILED at life.

If I work these $7.00/hr jobs because I HAVE to, then I’m totally screwed up my retirement planning (see above) and I’m one step away from eating Whiskas to stay alive.

If I work these jobs because I WANT to…then maybe its’ time to change my Depends, and put me in a home.  Because I’m no longer competent and responsible for my own actions.

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Gloat to the Younger Generation
I promise, I will NOT tell young people how great it is that I no longer have take part in the Rat Race.  I will NOT tell them how the company’s changed, and how I’m so glad I don’t’ have to work at that place any more.

Those poor bastards will feel bad enough as it is,  knowing they have to put in another 25 years at the Factory.  Why make them feel worse?

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Make Recreational Activities Sounds like Work.
I will refuse to tell everyone how “hectic ” my life is, because I’m busy playing golf and visiting friends.

(Sorry, this is what working people do for FUN, after they’ve put in their 8 hour work-day).

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Talk about Death
Typical Senior conversation:

“Did you hear about Bill Garnaggle? He got cancer of his big toe-nail…it went into his kidneys, and he died on the golf-course when his spleen exploded.”

“Oh, really?  What a shame.  Did you hear about Betty Garfarkle down the road…it’s sad, really..they found her lying in a pool of her own excrement….”

As for me, when I get old, this will be my approach:

“LA-LA-LA (covering my ears), I can’t hear you, Death, LA-LA-LA.”

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Make excuses for procrastination

Doncha love it when retirees miss an important deadline for something,  and their excuse is they were “too busy?”

Sorry…you DON’T WORK anymore.   You are NOT too busy.   You didn’t  do it, because you didn’t WANT TO.

At least admit it, and be honest about it!

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Start liking bag-pipe music
I have zero Scottish ancestry, and I don’t like bag-pipes now.   I can’t ever see myself changing my mind about the subject, even 40 years from now.

(Unless it’s because that  “Old-Fart” switch suddenly gets activated…)

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Holding up the line, cashing in 34 winning lottery tickets at $2.00 each.

Playing the lottery once in a while is fun.   But I won’t be blowing half my old-age pension check every week on the chance of winning the Big One.

(What…?  So I can win money and retire AGAIN?)

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Go to Early-Bird specials

Sorry, 4:30 PM is a late lunch.  NOT an early supper.

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Obsess over the daily newspaper
I feel sorry for the Type-A’s who never did anything with their lives but work.   Now they they don’t know what to do with themselves.

For a lot of them, reading the paper becomes  the highlight of their day.  They get upset when it doesn’t arrive on time.   They get upset when other people touch it before they do.   And they’ll spend 3 hours reading it (followed by the evening news on TV, in case they’ve missed anything since reading the paper).

That’s just SAD.    GET a hobby.

(No, wait…that’s the problem.  They never learned HOW).

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Continue to do the present job I’m doing right now, as a retiree on contract.

If I’m in my 70’s…and I’m still doing the same work…then why don’t you just put a bullet in my head right now, because I deserve to be put down!