Posted tagged ‘on-line dating’

Yet More Examples of On-Line Dating Ads That Make Me Thank My Lucky Stars that I’m Still Single.

January 25, 2012

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“I WANT HIM TO BE MY BESTFRIEND AND MY LIFETIME PARTNER.NO HIDING SECRETS AND WANT HIM TO BE HONEST AND SO DO I AND I WANT HIM FOR SURE FROM THE PLACE I LIKE BASICALLY FROM OREGON. HOPE TO MEET YOU SOON….I am waiting for you…..”

Okay…okay! ¬†We get it.

YOU WANT HIM !!!!

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“Find the poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer: The Invitation ….. it gives me peace and breath – If you cannot find it .. ask me .. I will be happy to send it to you ūüôā “

Umm…no.

That’s okay. I”ll pass.

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“LOVETOLAUGH6999”

Er…interesting choice of numbers.

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“I LIKE BEING ADVENTOURIS,AND LIKE TRYING NEW THINGS AND SEEING NEW THINGS.”

I like your capitals.

I like that you like new things.

And I like your very original spelling of “adventurous”.

I must admit, in all my years, I’ve never seen it written that way.

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You really gotta love the ads where they include photos of their tats.

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“I’m not into head games or drama, so please move on to the next profile if you are! “

Damn! You caught on to me….!

Because that’s what us guys do…

We go out of our way to sign up for on-line dating sites and answer ads, just to deliberately play head games with the ladies, so we can make BOTH our lives miserable.

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“I’m most grateful for the relationship I had with my step father and the time I had with him before he died. “

Just wondering…WHY would this be the FIRST SENTENCE you’d write in your dating ad?

Carry baggage, much?

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“I’m intelligent, self-aware…”

Oh, Great.

A date with SKY-NET.

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“I don’t like to play mind-game. I believes that people who is game player like to play game. It is Out of Respect to the person.”

Uh…yes. People who “is game player” usually like to play games.

By definition.

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“Life and love can be pretty overwhelming but you don’t scare easily. Instead, at those times, you look to the Lord and realize that, “(He has) not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Most importantly, you MUST have a genuine relationship with Christ – not just one you talk about, but one that you live and can share with anyone, especially with me. “

Wow…when you already start preaching that much in your dating ad, I can just imagine how much fun you’d be in real life.

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“I enjoy learning about different cultures;whether it be in historical literature or travelling to different countries, viewing the ancient architecture and discovering my own insignificance in the grand scheme. “

Well, you go on to learn about ancient architecture and your own insignificance.

In the grand scheme, I’m going to choose to ignore your ad.

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“About him: …He is a family man and sees his unborn children in my eyes… “

Lady, I don’t see ANY unborn children in ANYONE’s eyes, just yet.

At least, not before the first date.

And probably not the 2nd or 3rd either….

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“I have Cats. I like Dogs, Horses. I own 1 cat who is 19 yrs and has kidney disease. “

Boggles my mind, why they’d enter that last comment about their sick cat.

Unless they’re also trying to attract cat-haters…

…to let them know that Kitty will be gone soon.

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“Mixed media artist. I work in a stimulating and creative environment and embrace with ingenuity and courage the eye opening practicalities of life. “

“Ingenuity” and “courage” ?

Geezus, get OVER yourself, lady.

I’m a bit of an artist too.

But mainly, because I like to paint.

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“I accept other people and their ways of thinking and believing because no one person truly changes. I am open to listening to new and different ideas, or at least to take it in and if not, I’ll let it go. I am neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle. Also known as easy going, independant, and open to what the future has to offer. “

I neither like nor hate this ad.

Or maybe not.

It all depends, on what the future has to offer.

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“Friendly respect thoughtful love to laugh honest understanding caring trustworthy one man woman love nature Love God and a hard working woman. looking for a serious relationship and shared the same quality that leads to marriage if all goes well.”

I always get thrown off when they have to mention God, within the first couple of sentences.

I’m not trying to be saved at this moment.

I’m just looking for a first date.

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“The simplest way I can describe my outlook on life is by sharing my favourite quote….. Life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away. “

Oh, for crying out loud. Stop relying on quotes from dead people.

Take the time to describe yourself in your own words.

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“He has depth, and a great sense of humor. Someone who is honest and keeps it real, no games, no lies, no drama.”

I like how these ads constantly mention that they’re not into head games and lies and drama.

As if there are some people who enjoy this stuff.

Don’t forget to add: “I’m not into having a 10-inch spike nailed into my forehead, being bitten poisonous snakes, and being on fire”.

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“must be a gentle good hearted all the above well dressed smart love camping im a devoted person who i will with like the same thing or maybe a littke more than me im a honest type of preson like to try anything with reason at least once will try to do what the other person like”

Another English Major, here.

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“I’m a very affectioned, fun, loving, carin, honest person. I looking for a one on one, lasting relationship…my soul mate an friend…some one who can laugh together….communication is the key to a good relationship”

If this ad was from a new-comer to this country, I could almost excuse the poor English.

But, according to their profile, they were born and raised in Canada.

Wow.

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“If you are a big pet or animal person that might be OK but I should warn you I am not like that. I will respect your animal, because of course they are far more lovable than humans, but I probably won’t find your pet very interesting and that might annoy you over time. “

I’m already annoyed, and I don’t even own a pet.

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Okay. ¬†You’re proud of your cleavage.

We GET it.

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“I am looking for a romantic at heart, a big old softie; I promise I won‚Äôt tell your guy friends, if you end up crying at a chick flick. :)”

Lady, if I would ever cry at a chick flick, it’s because I’d have just wasted 2 hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Not to mention having blown ten bucks.

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Excerpts from On-Line Dating Ads That Make Thank My Lucky Stars That I’m still SIngle

December 1, 2011

“I wish to live a true love relationship with all its joys and its challenges, and feel the openness of my partner’s heart… Being able to communicate at a deep level who we are, where we’re at and how we feel, and be received and understood. “

Oh..Geez. You’re not one of those women who are constantly asking “Tell me what you’re thinking about right now.”….are you?

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“My cat Cashemere, is all white with pink ears, and he is very good boy; I love him and he welcomes me home when I open the door; he brings a smile on my face at all times. I hope to meet that kind man who would love Cashemere as well. “

Hmm…sounds like a match. When is Cashmere available to go out on a date?

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“i amromantic and passioni believe on honesty and like everyone have days and bad but i love to talk about that too the is more about me to find out in time i am looking for a honestand loving man who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies and so muct iwould likre the man to know that we can talk about anyhing and yes he has to believe in family value . i am looking for a man that enjoy;s life.”

Finally! A passioni woman who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies. And who believes in family value.

And I like the way she replaces periods with i’s.

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“Moderately tattooed redhead with a passion for health and wellness and arts and culture…”

Ummm…define “moderately tattooed”.

Because by today’s standards, that might mean you only still have your eyelids intact.

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“YES im looking for man that he is nice,understand ,loving humble,caring a good relation with the lord and he good job and sweet prson. And i want that he is resposeble man and i want he is also good to my friend and families ,and most specially hard working . “

This look good match. I am man is nice and I good job. Also caring with the lord.

And you can ask my friends….I am a VERY resposeble person.

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“will what i am looking for my partner or ideal man in life is hes honest from head to foot to me if i accept you as you are just because of your not just because your good looking and good talking”

Good Lord. I think my brain just burst a blood vessel trying to read this sentence.

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“I truly believe: Laughter is the best medicine. Good things come to those who wait.
There is a lesson in everything that happens and everything happens for a reason.
The only thing in life that is constant is change. Good things come in small packages ‚Äď like me!!! “

Ah, I see you must have taken that night class in “Hackneyed Cliches 101”

PS. No offense, but based on your photo, I would not exactly say you come in a “small” package.

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“I work in the fitness and hospitality industries so I feel that I do have my fingers on the pulse of the mainstream. Not sure if that’s such a good thing, but I digress….”

I’m not sure if that’s such a good thing either. ¬†Or a bad thing. ¬†In fact, I’m not sure what the heck you’re talking about, period.

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“I am grateful to have a lots of friend and to go shopping with them.”

Like, you know…even if you’re like, 48, ¬†like your ad says, it’s always, like, cool to go to the mall with your friends and shop.

And, like, OMG, there’s a sale on at the Gap today. I am SO there!

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“…Watching movies, sports, going to see my Dad in Niagara (oh ya, a car is a must).”

Let me get this straight.

You basically want me to play chauffeur, so we can go visit your DAD?

(Oh, be still my beating heart!)

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“Hi, ¬†I can describe myself as a good looking single female that doesn’t put so much emphasis on people’s looks but what comes with it…”

Then why did you write that you were good-looking, in your first sentence?

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Listed under “For Fun”: ¬†“Christian girl who loves God passionately! Serving Him is my # 1 priority.”

That’s what you honestly put down, what you like to do for FUN?

REALLY?

Well, at least that helps explain why you’re still single.

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“looking to meet new people …and maybe a long lasting relation ..long term.. loser stay away and liers to…”

Good thing she provides this warning.   Because I can just picture it:  hundreds men, on the verge of responding to this ad, and asking themselves:

“Am I a loser? Hmmm….wait…OMG! Yes I am! And she told me to stay away! Phew! That was close! ¬† Good thing I caught myself on time and didn’t answer back!”

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“I am a good listener..and find myself providing counsel and advice even to my ex’s on occasion…true! “

Just a suggestion. But maybe if you listened a little bit LESS…and stopped being a therapist to your exes, it might help your dating situation and you wouldn’t have to post ads here.

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” I love paintings-my favourite painter is Marc Chagall; reading books on Jewish Mysticism-Abraham Heschel and Martin Buber and Eastern Mysticsm; ‘seeing tons of sensitive movies- The Thin Red Line, Sophie’s Choice, Never Cry Wolf, Dr.Zhivago; meditative music-Enya, Bjork, Philip Glass, Yo Yo Ma, but also blues music-Stevie Ray Vaughn”

WOW.  Ms. Perfesser.

As for me, I like to watch SpongeBob

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“I am faithful and loyal to partners who supply lots of emotional and finacial security, sexual diversity and intellecutal challenge”

Well, we’re in luck, then. Because my finacial investments are sound, and I consider myself quite the intellecutal.

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“Volunteering has become a larger part of my life over the past year. This has been a selfish pleasure for me as I feel in some way that I am making a small difference in the world. “

A “selfish pleasure”?

Mother Theresa, get OVER yourself.

You know, you could just say “I like to volunteer”.

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I’m not into head games or drama, so please move on to the next profile if you are! “

I’m moving on..but not because I”m into head games or drama.

But because this is the shittiest most negative first sentence in a dating ad I’ve ever read.

By the way, carry baggage, much?

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“Being healthy is importan to me. This does not mean that I will not dive into a bowl of my favorite ice cream once in a while, it means that I have choices and often I realize that it is a good choice to eat smarter and exercise regularily.”

Ahh…a nutrition lesson.

That’s EXACTLY the type of turn-on that us guys look for in these ads.

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“I’m a 39 yo woman who knows want and doesn’t want in life Not much into conventionnal sport.My sport that i.m involved in is balooning(hot air ballooon). I love being in nature to resource myself and relaxing.”

I’m a 47 yo old man who doesn’t know WTF you’re talking about.

If English is not your first language, I suggest you have a friend help you write your ad.

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“My ideal match would be some one who cares about me for me. ¬†Not looking for ANY THING THEY CAN;T OFFER THATS OK NO PRESSURE.”

Wow…I already feel like I’ve gotten in shit with you, and we haven’t even gone on a first date yet.

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“My idea match is someone looking to have a realationship with no head games and no dishonesty.”

That’s a wonderful outlook. ¬† ¬†Keep reaching for the stars. ¬†Don’t settle for second-best. ¬† And you’ll find your idea soul-mate in no time!

On-Line Dating Ads I Tend to Skip Over

November 19, 2011

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(*) ¬†All based on actual dating ads I’ve seen.

(Seriously, folks, I cannot make this shit up!)

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1.  The Other Guy

Okay, if you’re supposed to be single and available, then who the hell is this guy that’s cropped out of the picture? ¬† ¬†Your Dad? ¬† Your brother? ¬†Uncle Sven?

Or is it your jealous Ex who still stalks everyone you talk to?

I think I’ll pass.

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2.  The World Traveler

Okay, it’s an admirable quality to want to broaden one’s horizons and see different cultures.

But the 20-pixel photo of yourself in the background tells me nothing about what you look like.

News Flash: ¬† Guys are interested in dating women…NOT the Great Pyramid of Giza.

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3. ¬†Okay!…Okay! ¬†You’re a MOM! …We GET it!¬†

Ladies, we guys aren’t stupid. ¬† We realize that most women over 30 come with kids from a previous relationship.

But can you at least take a 2-minute break from you Mommyhood  and just pose for one lousy picture, without having to involve your precious offspring?

Or maybe you want just to scare off all the guys who aren’t thrilled with being an “Instant Dad” on the first date.

If which case, mission accomplished.

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4.  Ms. Scowly-Face

THIS is the best picture of yourself that you could find?

…REALLY?

I mean, how much effort does it take to SMILE?

….Next!

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5. ¬†Good LORD…! ¬† What IS that?¬†

 

Here’s a hint to all you budding photographers out there:

Holding the camera at arms’ length rarely provides flattering results.

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6.  I sense a lack of focus

Oh, come ON! ¬† ¬† You’re not even TRYING!

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7.  Lookit My Home Renovations

Do you honestly think that people are interested in your rock-pile?

WHY…in Gods’ name, would you post this picture, instead more photos of yourself?

(Although this helps explain why you’re still single…)

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