Posted tagged ‘pandas’

Ways we can bring back some natural selection into our environment.

April 29, 2009

Design Blackberries that explode if they’re used while driving.

Make seat belts and crash-helmets optional.   If it’s good enough for New Hampshire, it should be good enough for the rest of us.  (Hey, Live Free or DIE, right?)

Get rid of school crossing guards.   If the kids need to get to class to learn, one of their first Life Lessons should be to cross the street. (Run, Forrest, Run!)

Replace those useless kindergarten safety-scissors that couldn’t cut limp spaghetti with X-acto knives.   (Kids: if you want to succeed in the Real World, you’re going to have to learn to use the same tools everyone else does).

Ban those lame-ass board games, where “everybody wins”.

Stop doing those repetitive safety announcements on each and every airline flight. (If people are too dumb to find an exit or buckle their safety belt, maybe their genes should be taken out of the pool.)

Import Grizzly Bears to New Zealand, so they have at least ONE major predator down there.

Convince the under-25 tortured intellectual crowd that piercing their skulls is the new “extreme”.    (They’d DO it, too!)

Assign “Do Not Resuscitate” Medic Alert bracelets to English PhD’s and Philosophy majors.

Get rid of child-proof safety caps.  (Parents, it’s up to YOU to keep your kids away from the meds).

Ask Grade Six kids the following:  True or false, the sun revolves around the earth.    If they answer “true”, then BZZZZZ!   Sorry!  Wrong answer!  No college for you!

Distribute peanut-flavored asthma inhalers.  (They probably already do in China).

Stop helping Pandas survive.  (They just don’t seem to want it badly enough).

Let’s bring back the legal sale of M-80 Firecrackers.

Make bungee jumpers responsible for tying their own bungee cords to their feet.

Legalize cocaine, just to see who’d be stupid enough to use it.

As I’ve said once before, teach chimps how to use firearms, give them guns, then release them back into the wild.

You want a REALLY scary amusement park ride?  Put 100 people on a roller coaster, and make it so that one person will randomly die each time.  (Don’t laugh…I bet people would line up for it!)