Posted tagged ‘rant’

Friar’s Six Favorite Christmas Songs That Are Totally Awesome

December 18, 2012

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

Who doesn’t love this classic song, with these classic lyrics?

“I wouldn’t touch you with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole.” 

And in case you didn’t know, the singer, Thurl Ravenscroft, is also the voice of Tony the Tiger.

Which is what makes this song especially GRRRREAT!

a

Oh Tannenbaum (from a Charlie Browns’ Christmas)

If you grew up in the 60’s or 70’s, and you don’t love the Charlie Brown Christmas, then I’m sorry, your heart is made of stone and there is no hope for you.

I pretty much love the entire Vince Guiraldi soundtrack but there’s something special about “O Tannenbaum“.

Because instantly, I’m transformed again into a wide-eyed 5-year old again.

Sitting in front of the black and white TV in our living room, watching Charlie Brown and Linus pick out their tree at the lot with the big moving searchlights.

Still gives me goosebumps when I hear it.

a

Holly Jolly Christmas (Burl Ives)

Yes, I realize this is a corny old song, but I like it for sentimental reasons.

Just like with the Charlie Brown Christmas,  thing song brings me back 40 years.    Back to when I saw Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer for the first time.

They played this song towards the end of the show.  After Rudolph rescued his family, the Bumble had been tamed, Herbie was allowed to become a dentist, and Christmas was on again.

All was well with the world again.

Wish I could go back to those simpler times.

When Christmases were still innocent and magic.

a

The Little Dealer Boy (Stephen Colbert and Willie Nelson)

I don’t smoke.   I’m not into weed.

But this take-off on Bing Crosby and David Bowie’s “Little Drummer Boy”  duet is bound to become a classic.

And it’s surprisingly well-done and quite touching, if you give it half a chance and see the video.

“And let not mankind bogart love”

Say what you want, but you cant really argue with that message.

a

Mary’s Boy Child (Boney M)

The reason I love this song, is based on just two words:

“BOY-CHILD”.

It changed my whole life.

You see, for whatever reason (don’t ask me why), my brother and I both found the words “Boy-child” incredibly hilarious.

“Boy-child” became the punch-line for countless of inside jokes, for decades to come.

We even made “Boy-child” facial expressions while posing  for family photos,  which would drive our family crazy.

(We still do, in fact).

a

The Huron Carol

Oh…don’t get me STARTED on this one.

Again, you can thank my brother for this.

One year, they had the little kids sing this at Christmas Eve mass.

And I started to crack up when they sang words “Gitchi Manitou”

I wasn’t supposed to, but I did.

My brother didn’t help….he would look at me and whisper “The Gitchi Manitou is going to get you”.   Over and over.

Which of course, would only trigger more snickering.

Long story short…it was the WORST giggle fit I ever had in church.

And I’m going to burn in hell for it.   I know it.

But it was worth it.

a

Advertisements

Friar’s Six Most Annoying Christmas Songs That Will Make You Cringe

December 13, 2012

Up on the Housetop (The Jackson Five)

Ugh.  Nothing like listening to a hyper pre-pubescent Michael Jackson scream the same lyrics over and over.

Back when his voice was even higher than what we’d make fun of when he was an adult.

Cringe-worthy moment:  The “pitter Patter” dialogue that starts as 2:00.

(Good Lord).

I dare you to listen to this from beginning to end, without running from the room screaming.

Go on.   I DARE you.

a

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Most depressing.   Christmas song.   EVER.

Nobody ever sings this in a happy way.    Nobody.

Especially Judy Garland.

Cringe-worthy moment:   Look at the poor kid at 1:30.

Gee….are we having FUN yet?

The only redeeming part of this scene is the first part.    I had to look at this several times before I realized that Judy is cranking a box making these MONKEYS dance around.

Everything is better with monkeys.

a

Earl the Christmas Squirrel

I didn’t think it was possible to find a Christmas rodent song more obnoxious than Alvin and the Chipmunks.

But here we are.

Cringe-worthy moment:  “He goes nuts over coconuts….”.

Nice rhyming.

But sorry.  It doesn’t count  when the SAME WORD is repeated.

a

The Little Drummer Boy

I never liked this song.

And the TV special didn’t help.    What an obnoxious kid.

He just annoyed the hell out of me.

Still does, in fact.

Cringe-worthy moment:  Where I start to lose it is when he starts to play and the “Room Poom Pooms” in the background reach a crescendo.

And “The ox and lamb kept time”

….STUPIDEST LYRICS ever.

(ARGH!!)

a

A Song for a Winter’s Night (Sarah McLachlan)

Way to ruin Gordon Lightfoot’s 1967 original, Sarah.

You’ve transformed what was a sentimental, heartfelt ballad into a tortured-intellectual estrogen-fest.

Cringe-w0rthy moment:  The “Dood n doos” in the background.

That alone ruins the whole song.

When I hear this, I dont’ know whether to slit my wrists, or go into a coma.

a

Christmas Shoes

This is supposed to be a tear-jerker song.   It’s about a little boy who wants to buy Mommy some shoes he cannot afford.

So that she looks good for Jesus.

Because, you see…there’s “not much time”, because she’s on the deathbed.

Oh…give me a BREAK.

Yeah, it’s supposed to be sad.

Except it’s so over-done, so over the top, and the video is so over-acted, that it’s NOT.

In fact..it has the opposite effect.

It just makes me want to make FUN of it.

Cringe-worthy moment:   When all the little children start joining in the singing at 3:40.

It’s a good thing I was in the Burger King drive through when I heard this in my car.

Because if I had been on the road, I’d probably have driven into on-coming traffic to end my misery.

Anti-Squirrel Haiku

November 26, 2012

Malevolent stare
You resent me being here.
Too bad.  I’m bigger.

a

Rodent-varmint.
When you spring into action.
You’re up to no good.

a

Sunflower killer.
You climbed the plant and broke it.
Out of pure malice.

a

Hogging the feeder.
Gorging yourselves on the seeds.
Meant for the blue-jays.

a

Thieving rat with tail.
Rodent-spit on our apples.
Look how fat you are.

Look how fat you areaa

“Traverse d’Écureuil”.
Squirrel crossing in Quebec.
I hope you get hit.

a

You dug up my yard.
And re-planted a tulip.
I tolerate this.

9 Minor Annoyances That Shouldn’t Bother Me, But Still Do.

November 10, 2012

1. Pennies

Which have stopped servinng any useful purpose in our society.

When I’m doing housework, it’s not even worth my time to pick them up.

I’ll vacuum ’em up instead.

a

2.  The only traffic light on a 60-mile stretch of highway

And it’s always, always RED.

a

3.  Tim Horton’s relentless male-bashing campaign

Derp.   Me male.  Me stupid.   Not smart like woman.   DUHHHH.

Pretty much every radio ad follows this formula.   As well TV commercials like this one.

aa

 

4. Food that pretends to be healthy, when it isn’t. 

Just because it’s “Lo fat”, doesn’t mean it’s good for you. 

a

5.   Getting a traffic ticket

Even when you know it’s 100% your own damned fault.

aa

6  The closing credits ot the Flinstones.

This always bothered me, for as long as I can remember.

Why didn’t Fred just use the damned window?

aa

7.   Helena from the Mighty Hercules

Most useless.    Cartoon female.   Ever.

She no doubt helped set back the feminist movement by 10 years.

Go make Hercules a sandwich, or something.

a

a

8. That dreaded moment

When you realize the toilet’s gonna overflow.

a

9.  Cheap Toliet paper

That disintegrates into bunny balls.

20 Reasons Why I was Deprived as a Child

October 18, 2012

a

1. Lucky Charms only had four kinds of marshmallow.  When they came out with a fifth “new blue diamonds”, we thought we had died and gone to heaven.

a

2. To get to your own money, you had to line up at a bank.    You had to keep a bankbook which the teller would update in PEN.

a

3. Batteries were shitty. They ran out of power very quickly, and they would leak acid.

a

4. There was no such thing as Asiago or Chipolte or salsa or any of that fancy-schmancy food.

a

5. Nobody ate Nachos or chicken wings.   I don’t think they even existed in restaurants.

a

6. Cartoons were only on for 6 hours a week, and only on Saturday mornings.

a

7. You couldn’t record a TV show.  If you missed it, you missed it.  Months or years might go by before you’d see it again.

a

8. Roller Coasters were made of wood, and only went up and down. There were no loop-de-loops.

a

9. The early video games were so shitty, you could see the individual pixels on the flying asteroids and you space ship.

a

10. Phones had 5-foot cords and most houses only had one.

a

11. There was only one Rocky Movie.

a

12. When riding in a car, I wasn’t strapped down in a kids seat. I coulda gotten KILLED.

a

13. People told inappropriate politically-incorrect jokes and nobody got sent on sensitivity training.

a

14. Nobody knew what yoga or tai-chi or tae-bo was.

a

15. McDonald’s Big Macs were served in Styrofoam containers, which were killing the planet and making polar bears DIE.

a

16. They never gave us graduation parties for finishing kindergarten.

a

17. Lego was mostly just red and white and black blocks. You were lucky if you had a few wheels to make a block-car.

a

18. If you misbehaved at school, you got the strap.  I never did..but just the threat of it traumatized me for life.

a

19. The only fruit you had in the grocery store was apples, oranges and bananas. You might get grapes or cherries for a few weeks a year, when they were in season.

a

20. The closest thing we had to an I-phone was Etch-a-Sketch

Excerpts from On-Line Dating Ads That Make Thank My Lucky Stars That I’m still SIngle

December 1, 2011

“I wish to live a true love relationship with all its joys and its challenges, and feel the openness of my partner’s heart… Being able to communicate at a deep level who we are, where we’re at and how we feel, and be received and understood. “

Oh..Geez. You’re not one of those women who are constantly asking “Tell me what you’re thinking about right now.”….are you?

************************

“My cat Cashemere, is all white with pink ears, and he is very good boy; I love him and he welcomes me home when I open the door; he brings a smile on my face at all times. I hope to meet that kind man who would love Cashemere as well. “

Hmm…sounds like a match. When is Cashmere available to go out on a date?

************************

“i amromantic and passioni believe on honesty and like everyone have days and bad but i love to talk about that too the is more about me to find out in time i am looking for a honestand loving man who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies and so muct iwould likre the man to know that we can talk about anyhing and yes he has to believe in family value . i am looking for a man that enjoy;s life.”

Finally! A passioni woman who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies. And who believes in family value.

And I like the way she replaces periods with i’s.

***********************

“Moderately tattooed redhead with a passion for health and wellness and arts and culture…”

Ummm…define “moderately tattooed”.

Because by today’s standards, that might mean you only still have your eyelids intact.

***********************

“YES im looking for man that he is nice,understand ,loving humble,caring a good relation with the lord and he good job and sweet prson. And i want that he is resposeble man and i want he is also good to my friend and families ,and most specially hard working . “

This look good match. I am man is nice and I good job. Also caring with the lord.

And you can ask my friends….I am a VERY resposeble person.

***********************

“will what i am looking for my partner or ideal man in life is hes honest from head to foot to me if i accept you as you are just because of your not just because your good looking and good talking”

Good Lord. I think my brain just burst a blood vessel trying to read this sentence.

***********************

“I truly believe: Laughter is the best medicine. Good things come to those who wait.
There is a lesson in everything that happens and everything happens for a reason.
The only thing in life that is constant is change. Good things come in small packages – like me!!! “

Ah, I see you must have taken that night class in “Hackneyed Cliches 101”

PS. No offense, but based on your photo, I would not exactly say you come in a “small” package.

***********************

“I work in the fitness and hospitality industries so I feel that I do have my fingers on the pulse of the mainstream. Not sure if that’s such a good thing, but I digress….”

I’m not sure if that’s such a good thing either.  Or a bad thing.  In fact, I’m not sure what the heck you’re talking about, period.

***********************

“I am grateful to have a lots of friend and to go shopping with them.”

Like, you know…even if you’re like, 48,  like your ad says, it’s always, like, cool to go to the mall with your friends and shop.

And, like, OMG, there’s a sale on at the Gap today. I am SO there!

***********************

“…Watching movies, sports, going to see my Dad in Niagara (oh ya, a car is a must).”

Let me get this straight.

You basically want me to play chauffeur, so we can go visit your DAD?

(Oh, be still my beating heart!)

***************************

“Hi,  I can describe myself as a good looking single female that doesn’t put so much emphasis on people’s looks but what comes with it…”

Then why did you write that you were good-looking, in your first sentence?

*********************

Listed under “For Fun”:  “Christian girl who loves God passionately! Serving Him is my # 1 priority.”

That’s what you honestly put down, what you like to do for FUN?

REALLY?

Well, at least that helps explain why you’re still single.

************************

“looking to meet new people …and maybe a long lasting relation ..long term.. loser stay away and liers to…”

Good thing she provides this warning.   Because I can just picture it:  hundreds men, on the verge of responding to this ad, and asking themselves:

“Am I a loser? Hmmm….wait…OMG! Yes I am! And she told me to stay away! Phew! That was close!   Good thing I caught myself on time and didn’t answer back!”

***********************

“I am a good listener..and find myself providing counsel and advice even to my ex’s on occasion…true! “

Just a suggestion. But maybe if you listened a little bit LESS…and stopped being a therapist to your exes, it might help your dating situation and you wouldn’t have to post ads here.

***********************

” I love paintings-my favourite painter is Marc Chagall; reading books on Jewish Mysticism-Abraham Heschel and Martin Buber and Eastern Mysticsm; ‘seeing tons of sensitive movies- The Thin Red Line, Sophie’s Choice, Never Cry Wolf, Dr.Zhivago; meditative music-Enya, Bjork, Philip Glass, Yo Yo Ma, but also blues music-Stevie Ray Vaughn”

WOW.  Ms. Perfesser.

As for me, I like to watch SpongeBob

***********************

“I am faithful and loyal to partners who supply lots of emotional and finacial security, sexual diversity and intellecutal challenge”

Well, we’re in luck, then. Because my finacial investments are sound, and I consider myself quite the intellecutal.

***********************

“Volunteering has become a larger part of my life over the past year. This has been a selfish pleasure for me as I feel in some way that I am making a small difference in the world. “

A “selfish pleasure”?

Mother Theresa, get OVER yourself.

You know, you could just say “I like to volunteer”.

***********************

I’m not into head games or drama, so please move on to the next profile if you are! “

I’m moving on..but not because I”m into head games or drama.

But because this is the shittiest most negative first sentence in a dating ad I’ve ever read.

By the way, carry baggage, much?

***********************

“Being healthy is importan to me. This does not mean that I will not dive into a bowl of my favorite ice cream once in a while, it means that I have choices and often I realize that it is a good choice to eat smarter and exercise regularily.”

Ahh…a nutrition lesson.

That’s EXACTLY the type of turn-on that us guys look for in these ads.

***********************

“I’m a 39 yo woman who knows want and doesn’t want in life Not much into conventionnal sport.My sport that i.m involved in is balooning(hot air ballooon). I love being in nature to resource myself and relaxing.”

I’m a 47 yo old man who doesn’t know WTF you’re talking about.

If English is not your first language, I suggest you have a friend help you write your ad.

***********************

“My ideal match would be some one who cares about me for me.  Not looking for ANY THING THEY CAN;T OFFER THATS OK NO PRESSURE.”

Wow…I already feel like I’ve gotten in shit with you, and we haven’t even gone on a first date yet.

***********************

“My idea match is someone looking to have a realationship with no head games and no dishonesty.”

That’s a wonderful outlook.    Keep reaching for the stars.  Don’t settle for second-best.   And you’ll find your idea soul-mate in no time!

Happy Post-Thanksgiving: Eleven Things I am Ungrateful For

November 26, 2011

a

1.  Squirrels

Because they’re assholes.

Anyone who follows my blog will know why.

ss

2.  Frosted Mini Wheats

Coat them with sugar all you want, they still taste like sawdust.

a

3.  Lucky Charms (just the cereal part)

Because REALLY…without marshmallows, what’s the freaking POINT?

a

4. Caillou

Teaching kids everywhere to be whiny little shits, since 1995.

a

5.  The Kardashians

For the life of me, I cannot think of  one thing these women actually DO.   Except maybe metabolize food into CO2 and water vapor and waste heat.

Okay.  I’ll give them THAT…at least.

a

6.  French Kids’ TV Shows with Puppets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwiHQsb6Ja0

…and you thought ELMO was obnoxious!

asfds

7.  Estrogen-Saturated Yogurt Commercials

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNqGMKltUYk

Nothing like setting back the feminist movement by 40 years…

a

8.   Chips Ahoy Cookie Bags

Ever since they changed their design…just TRY and open one without ripping it.

a

9.   Faster-than-Light Neutrinos Research 

Okay,  you guys.    Stop it.

Just STOP it.

You’re going to ruin physics for EVERYONE.

a

10.  Cirque de Soleil

Make it go away.

PLEASE.

a

11.  Inspirational Posters telling me to  be grateful.

Because actually, they have the OPPOSITE effect.

a

a