Posted tagged ‘relationships’

Yet More Examples of On-Line Dating Ads That Make Me Thank My Lucky Stars that I’m Still Single.

January 25, 2012

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“I WANT HIM TO BE MY BESTFRIEND AND MY LIFETIME PARTNER.NO HIDING SECRETS AND WANT HIM TO BE HONEST AND SO DO I AND I WANT HIM FOR SURE FROM THE PLACE I LIKE BASICALLY FROM OREGON. HOPE TO MEET YOU SOON….I am waiting for you…..”

Okay…okay! ¬†We get it.

YOU WANT HIM !!!!

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“Find the poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer: The Invitation ….. it gives me peace and breath – If you cannot find it .. ask me .. I will be happy to send it to you ūüôā “

Umm…no.

That’s okay. I”ll pass.

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“LOVETOLAUGH6999”

Er…interesting choice of numbers.

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“I LIKE BEING ADVENTOURIS,AND LIKE TRYING NEW THINGS AND SEEING NEW THINGS.”

I like your capitals.

I like that you like new things.

And I like your very original spelling of “adventurous”.

I must admit, in all my years, I’ve never seen it written that way.

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You really gotta love the ads where they include photos of their tats.

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“I’m not into head games or drama, so please move on to the next profile if you are! “

Damn! You caught on to me….!

Because that’s what us guys do…

We go out of our way to sign up for on-line dating sites and answer ads, just to deliberately play head games with the ladies, so we can make BOTH our lives miserable.

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“I’m most grateful for the relationship I had with my step father and the time I had with him before he died. “

Just wondering…WHY would this be the FIRST SENTENCE you’d write in your dating ad?

Carry baggage, much?

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“I’m intelligent, self-aware…”

Oh, Great.

A date with SKY-NET.

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“I don’t like to play mind-game. I believes that people who is game player like to play game. It is Out of Respect to the person.”

Uh…yes. People who “is game player” usually like to play games.

By definition.

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“Life and love can be pretty overwhelming but you don’t scare easily. Instead, at those times, you look to the Lord and realize that, “(He has) not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Most importantly, you MUST have a genuine relationship with Christ – not just one you talk about, but one that you live and can share with anyone, especially with me. “

Wow…when you already start preaching that much in your dating ad, I can just imagine how much fun you’d be in real life.

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“I enjoy learning about different cultures;whether it be in historical literature or travelling to different countries, viewing the ancient architecture and discovering my own insignificance in the grand scheme. “

Well, you go on to learn about ancient architecture and your own insignificance.

In the grand scheme, I’m going to choose to ignore your ad.

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“About him: …He is a family man and sees his unborn children in my eyes… “

Lady, I don’t see ANY unborn children in ANYONE’s eyes, just yet.

At least, not before the first date.

And probably not the 2nd or 3rd either….

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“I have Cats. I like Dogs, Horses. I own 1 cat who is 19 yrs and has kidney disease. “

Boggles my mind, why they’d enter that last comment about their sick cat.

Unless they’re also trying to attract cat-haters…

…to let them know that Kitty will be gone soon.

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“Mixed media artist. I work in a stimulating and creative environment and embrace with ingenuity and courage the eye opening practicalities of life. “

“Ingenuity” and “courage” ?

Geezus, get OVER yourself, lady.

I’m a bit of an artist too.

But mainly, because I like to paint.

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“I accept other people and their ways of thinking and believing because no one person truly changes. I am open to listening to new and different ideas, or at least to take it in and if not, I’ll let it go. I am neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle. Also known as easy going, independant, and open to what the future has to offer. “

I neither like nor hate this ad.

Or maybe not.

It all depends, on what the future has to offer.

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“Friendly respect thoughtful love to laugh honest understanding caring trustworthy one man woman love nature Love God and a hard working woman. looking for a serious relationship and shared the same quality that leads to marriage if all goes well.”

I always get thrown off when they have to mention God, within the first couple of sentences.

I’m not trying to be saved at this moment.

I’m just looking for a first date.

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“The simplest way I can describe my outlook on life is by sharing my favourite quote….. Life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away. “

Oh, for crying out loud. Stop relying on quotes from dead people.

Take the time to describe yourself in your own words.

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“He has depth, and a great sense of humor. Someone who is honest and keeps it real, no games, no lies, no drama.”

I like how these ads constantly mention that they’re not into head games and lies and drama.

As if there are some people who enjoy this stuff.

Don’t forget to add: “I’m not into having a 10-inch spike nailed into my forehead, being bitten poisonous snakes, and being on fire”.

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“must be a gentle good hearted all the above well dressed smart love camping im a devoted person who i will with like the same thing or maybe a littke more than me im a honest type of preson like to try anything with reason at least once will try to do what the other person like”

Another English Major, here.

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“I’m a very affectioned, fun, loving, carin, honest person. I looking for a one on one, lasting relationship…my soul mate an friend…some one who can laugh together….communication is the key to a good relationship”

If this ad was from a new-comer to this country, I could almost excuse the poor English.

But, according to their profile, they were born and raised in Canada.

Wow.

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“If you are a big pet or animal person that might be OK but I should warn you I am not like that. I will respect your animal, because of course they are far more lovable than humans, but I probably won’t find your pet very interesting and that might annoy you over time. “

I’m already annoyed, and I don’t even own a pet.

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Okay. ¬†You’re proud of your cleavage.

We GET it.

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“I am looking for a romantic at heart, a big old softie; I promise I won‚Äôt tell your guy friends, if you end up crying at a chick flick. :)”

Lady, if I would ever cry at a chick flick, it’s because I’d have just wasted 2 hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Not to mention having blown ten bucks.

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Excerpts from On-Line Dating Ads That Make Thank My Lucky Stars That I’m still SIngle

December 1, 2011

“I wish to live a true love relationship with all its joys and its challenges, and feel the openness of my partner’s heart… Being able to communicate at a deep level who we are, where we’re at and how we feel, and be received and understood. “

Oh..Geez. You’re not one of those women who are constantly asking “Tell me what you’re thinking about right now.”….are you?

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“My cat Cashemere, is all white with pink ears, and he is very good boy; I love him and he welcomes me home when I open the door; he brings a smile on my face at all times. I hope to meet that kind man who would love Cashemere as well. “

Hmm…sounds like a match. When is Cashmere available to go out on a date?

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“i amromantic and passioni believe on honesty and like everyone have days and bad but i love to talk about that too the is more about me to find out in time i am looking for a honestand loving man who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies and so muct iwould likre the man to know that we can talk about anyhing and yes he has to believe in family value . i am looking for a man that enjoy;s life.”

Finally! A passioni woman who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies. And who believes in family value.

And I like the way she replaces periods with i’s.

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“Moderately tattooed redhead with a passion for health and wellness and arts and culture…”

Ummm…define “moderately tattooed”.

Because by today’s standards, that might mean you only still have your eyelids intact.

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“YES im looking for man that he is nice,understand ,loving humble,caring a good relation with the lord and he good job and sweet prson. And i want that he is resposeble man and i want he is also good to my friend and families ,and most specially hard working . “

This look good match. I am man is nice and I good job. Also caring with the lord.

And you can ask my friends….I am a VERY resposeble person.

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“will what i am looking for my partner or ideal man in life is hes honest from head to foot to me if i accept you as you are just because of your not just because your good looking and good talking”

Good Lord. I think my brain just burst a blood vessel trying to read this sentence.

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“I truly believe: Laughter is the best medicine. Good things come to those who wait.
There is a lesson in everything that happens and everything happens for a reason.
The only thing in life that is constant is change. Good things come in small packages ‚Äď like me!!! “

Ah, I see you must have taken that night class in “Hackneyed Cliches 101”

PS. No offense, but based on your photo, I would not exactly say you come in a “small” package.

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“I work in the fitness and hospitality industries so I feel that I do have my fingers on the pulse of the mainstream. Not sure if that’s such a good thing, but I digress….”

I’m not sure if that’s such a good thing either. ¬†Or a bad thing. ¬†In fact, I’m not sure what the heck you’re talking about, period.

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“I am grateful to have a lots of friend and to go shopping with them.”

Like, you know…even if you’re like, 48, ¬†like your ad says, it’s always, like, cool to go to the mall with your friends and shop.

And, like, OMG, there’s a sale on at the Gap today. I am SO there!

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“…Watching movies, sports, going to see my Dad in Niagara (oh ya, a car is a must).”

Let me get this straight.

You basically want me to play chauffeur, so we can go visit your DAD?

(Oh, be still my beating heart!)

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“Hi, ¬†I can describe myself as a good looking single female that doesn’t put so much emphasis on people’s looks but what comes with it…”

Then why did you write that you were good-looking, in your first sentence?

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Listed under “For Fun”: ¬†“Christian girl who loves God passionately! Serving Him is my # 1 priority.”

That’s what you honestly put down, what you like to do for FUN?

REALLY?

Well, at least that helps explain why you’re still single.

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“looking to meet new people …and maybe a long lasting relation ..long term.. loser stay away and liers to…”

Good thing she provides this warning.   Because I can just picture it:  hundreds men, on the verge of responding to this ad, and asking themselves:

“Am I a loser? Hmmm….wait…OMG! Yes I am! And she told me to stay away! Phew! That was close! ¬† Good thing I caught myself on time and didn’t answer back!”

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“I am a good listener..and find myself providing counsel and advice even to my ex’s on occasion…true! “

Just a suggestion. But maybe if you listened a little bit LESS…and stopped being a therapist to your exes, it might help your dating situation and you wouldn’t have to post ads here.

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” I love paintings-my favourite painter is Marc Chagall; reading books on Jewish Mysticism-Abraham Heschel and Martin Buber and Eastern Mysticsm; ‘seeing tons of sensitive movies- The Thin Red Line, Sophie’s Choice, Never Cry Wolf, Dr.Zhivago; meditative music-Enya, Bjork, Philip Glass, Yo Yo Ma, but also blues music-Stevie Ray Vaughn”

WOW.  Ms. Perfesser.

As for me, I like to watch SpongeBob

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“I am faithful and loyal to partners who supply lots of emotional and finacial security, sexual diversity and intellecutal challenge”

Well, we’re in luck, then. Because my finacial investments are sound, and I consider myself quite the intellecutal.

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“Volunteering has become a larger part of my life over the past year. This has been a selfish pleasure for me as I feel in some way that I am making a small difference in the world. “

A “selfish pleasure”?

Mother Theresa, get OVER yourself.

You know, you could just say “I like to volunteer”.

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I’m not into head games or drama, so please move on to the next profile if you are! “

I’m moving on..but not because I”m into head games or drama.

But because this is the shittiest most negative first sentence in a dating ad I’ve ever read.

By the way, carry baggage, much?

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“Being healthy is importan to me. This does not mean that I will not dive into a bowl of my favorite ice cream once in a while, it means that I have choices and often I realize that it is a good choice to eat smarter and exercise regularily.”

Ahh…a nutrition lesson.

That’s EXACTLY the type of turn-on that us guys look for in these ads.

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“I’m a 39 yo woman who knows want and doesn’t want in life Not much into conventionnal sport.My sport that i.m involved in is balooning(hot air ballooon). I love being in nature to resource myself and relaxing.”

I’m a 47 yo old man who doesn’t know WTF you’re talking about.

If English is not your first language, I suggest you have a friend help you write your ad.

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“My ideal match would be some one who cares about me for me. ¬†Not looking for ANY THING THEY CAN;T OFFER THATS OK NO PRESSURE.”

Wow…I already feel like I’ve gotten in shit with you, and we haven’t even gone on a first date yet.

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“My idea match is someone looking to have a realationship with no head games and no dishonesty.”

That’s a wonderful outlook. ¬† ¬†Keep reaching for the stars. ¬†Don’t settle for second-best. ¬† And you’ll find your idea soul-mate in no time!

On-Line Dating Ads I Tend to Skip Over

November 19, 2011

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(*) ¬†All based on actual dating ads I’ve seen.

(Seriously, folks, I cannot make this shit up!)

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1.  The Other Guy

Okay, if you’re supposed to be single and available, then who the hell is this guy that’s cropped out of the picture? ¬† ¬†Your Dad? ¬† Your brother? ¬†Uncle Sven?

Or is it your jealous Ex who still stalks everyone you talk to?

I think I’ll pass.

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2.  The World Traveler

Okay, it’s an admirable quality to want to broaden one’s horizons and see different cultures.

But the 20-pixel photo of yourself in the background tells me nothing about what you look like.

News Flash: ¬† Guys are interested in dating women…NOT the Great Pyramid of Giza.

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3. ¬†Okay!…Okay! ¬†You’re a MOM! …We GET it!¬†

Ladies, we guys aren’t stupid. ¬† We realize that most women over 30 come with kids from a previous relationship.

But can you at least take a 2-minute break from you Mommyhood  and just pose for one lousy picture, without having to involve your precious offspring?

Or maybe you want just to scare off all the guys who aren’t thrilled with being an “Instant Dad” on the first date.

If which case, mission accomplished.

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4.  Ms. Scowly-Face

THIS is the best picture of yourself that you could find?

…REALLY?

I mean, how much effort does it take to SMILE?

….Next!

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5. ¬†Good LORD…! ¬† What IS that?¬†

 

Here’s a hint to all you budding photographers out there:

Holding the camera at arms’ length rarely provides flattering results.

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6.  I sense a lack of focus

Oh, come ON! ¬† ¬† You’re not even TRYING!

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7.  Lookit My Home Renovations

Do you honestly think that people are interested in your rock-pile?

WHY…in Gods’ name, would you post this picture, instead more photos of yourself?

(Although this helps explain why you’re still single…)

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Five Things Women Do to Make Their Life More Complicated

January 24, 2010

1. Thank-You Cards
Some people will insist on writing these notes  for each and every occasion in life.   For gifts received, for being invited to dinner.  Or even if someone compliments them on their new hat.    

And there’s¬†a whole level of self-imposed stress involved:¬†¬†for going to the store, selecting exactly¬†the right card,¬† putting down the exact right thoughts and¬†going back to the post office and sending it out on time.¬†¬†¬†

Good Lord.

Not to mention, there’s a bit of smugness that comes along with it.¬†

¬†“It’s the considerate thing to do.” you’ll hear the card-writers¬†say.¬†¬†

Yes…but for WHO?¬†¬†

Because I¬†think it’s safe to say that more than half the population (namely, all males, plus reluctant children)¬†don’t¬† give a flying-fox-fart about Thank-You cards.¬†¬†¬†

I mean, it’s nice to get one, but if we don’t, we’re not going to get our knickers in a knot.¬†¬†

I didn’t cry, for example, when my buddy Brett didn’t send me a card for the X-mas gift I gave him.¬†

*Sniff*  (Damn you, Brett!)

Meh.   If would make things so much easier, if we all just agreed to DROP the whole damned Thank-You card thing.     

Just say “Thank You”¬†once, in person, and be done with it.

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2. Refusing to Acknowledge that White Plastic Thingy  on the Toilet
Anyone who’s been married, has had a girlfriend, or has shared a bathroom with a sister, ¬†is familiar with this age-old complaint:¬†

Namely, the man is supposed to keep the seat down, to accomodate the woman who has to sit, because they sometimes fall in. 

So…howcum we guys sit down, at least¬†once a day? …And we never fall in?

(Um…because we LOOK first?)

But that’s besides the point.

And if women want to¬†be equals,¬† wouldn’t it be¬†just as valid for¬†men¬†to ask for the seat to be left up?¬†

(Yes, I know that sounds logical.)  

But¬†believe me,¬† guys…just let it go.¬† Because we’ll NEVER¬†win this¬†argument!
 

3. Fashion Magazines
Feminists¬†complain that¬†magazines like Cosmo and Vogue are harmful.¬†¬† Because they portray¬†unrealistic, idealized images of beauty that the average woman can’t obtain,¬†leading to¬†low self-esteem¬† and even¬†eating disorders.

Fair enough.¬†¬† There’s a good point to be made for all of this.

But…let’s ask ourselves:¬†¬†WHO¬†perpetuates these¬†fashions?¬†¬† WHO creates these myths?¬†¬†¬†¬† WHO¬†creates a demand for all this literature?¬†¬†¬†

I don’t think you can blame this one on men.¬†

Because¬†I don’t know too many guys¬†who find¬†rail-thin 90-lb.¬†women¬†with sunken eyes all that hot.¬†¬† Especially if these so-called “models” are¬†wearing what¬†looks like¬†some stupid burlap sack wrapped around their jutting collar bones. ¬†

Ladies,¬† if you dont’ like¬† these stupid magazines, just STOP buying them.¬†¬† And the problem will go away.

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4.  Bringing Something Over
When guys get together at someone’s house,¬†¬†it’s to drink beer and watch TV.¬†¬†¬†¬†Somebody might bring over a bag of Zesty-Mordant Nachos.¬†¬†

(Might.)

If there’s an actual meal involved, it will invariably be a BBQ with ¬†BYOM (Bring your own meat).¬†¬†¬†¬† In which case, the¬†host might provide paper plates and napkins.

(Might.)

When women get together, it’s a whole other story.¬†¬†¬†Everyone is¬† expected to BRING something.¬†¬†

And it can’t be something store-bought, either, from the local bakery.¬†¬† (No, that get you off too easy!)¬†¬†¬†

No, it has to be something you made by hand, that took you hours, from the sweat of your own brow.  

Date squares, for example, where the date tree was grown from seedlings, and the fruit harvested weeks ahead of time.  Where the wheat was hand-milled to make the flour, and the sugar was extracted from canes imported from Cuba.  

And everything was baked in a 17th-Century wood stove that was bought specially just for the occasion.  

That way, you can be a martyr, and tell yourself:¬†¬† “It’s the considerate thing to do.”

Hmm.¬†¬†¬†¬† Maybe so.¬†¬† But I’ll just stick to my Zesty-Mordants, thank you.

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5. Trying to be Equal to Men in Everything
Because face it…we guys do some really stupid things.¬†¬†¬†

Like sports where the object is to hit the opponent in the head, until they receive enough brain trauma and lose conciousness.   

Or racing high-speed vehicles down a drag-strip,  that threaten to explode at any minute.   

¬†Or moutain-climbing¬†to extreme altitudes,¬† where your brain swells inside your skull,¬†your body starts to die, and there’s a good¬†chance you’ll ¬†lose some fingers and toes.

(Need I go on?)

Sure…there’s nothing saying a woman can’t do these same¬†exact things.

But just because they can…doesn’t necessarly mean they should.

We have enough Darwin Awards, as it is.

Ramblings of a Cynical Bachelor: Top Reaons Why I’m still Single.

November 18, 2009

Wish I had a nickel every time someone (usually a married woman) tells me:

“It’s about time you settled down and found a woman!¬†¬† Why are you still single?”

(Yes, JOIN us, Friar.¬†¬† You can’t possibly be happy, being alone?¬†¬† Become assimilated!¬† Be ONE with the Collective!)

Well, there are plenty of good reasons why I’m still single, and I get tired of explaining my situation to all the breeding-couples.

So, in the interest of simplifying things, I’ll just list them there.

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1. Standing There and Breathing
This is all any woman who’s even remotely attractive has to do, and guys will flock to her in droves. ¬† And they’ll keep hitting on her until she eventually agrees to date one of them.

Therefore, the changes of any remotely-attractive women being available are extremely slim.
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2. The Impossible Window of Opportunity
There’s often an extremely short time between someone getting over their break-up, and starting up a serious relationship again.¬†¬† It’s sometimes measured in nanoseconds.

Though typically, the interval might be as long as a couple of months, where I could conceivably ask that someone out before they’re taken again.

But God forbid, if I miss that window by even a few weeks, I’m S.O.L.
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3.  Reverse Attraction
Okay..say the stars are aligned, and I do manage to hit that rare time when I can can ask someone out…

Well, she’d still have to like me enough to say “Yes”.

(And that, my friends, is whole other ball-game.)
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4. Pete Rose
The only available women I’ve been introduced to look like him.

(Look, I’m not so shallow that I’ll only go out with a Silicone Barbie Doll).

But is it too much to ask that a potential date NOT be mistaken for a DUDE?
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5. Red Meat
I like it too much to give up, which only reduces my odds of finding someone.

Because now I’m incompatible with a significant portion of the planet who are plant-eaters.
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6.  Kitty-Cats
Single women tend to have them.¬†¬† But I’m horribly, horribly allergic.¬†¬† Thus further reducing my odds.

Thanks, Kitty.

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7. Caveat Emptor
At my age (40-something),  someone has typically been on the market for 20 years.

So it makes me ask, if someone is still available after all that time..WHY?

Now, before everyone screams at me, yes, I realize this also applies to myself!¬†¬† (But that doesn’t help the situation, it only makes it more difficult. )

It’s like that great house down the street for sale, that nobody wants to buy.

Because there’s probably an ancient Indian burial ground in the basement, or something.
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8.  Céline Dion
Too many women love this caterwauling diva, and chances are I’ll meet one of them.

And when she starts playing one of C√©line’s CD’s,¬† I’ll forget to bite my tongue and I’ll say what I really think.

And it will be game over.
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9,  Oprah
See Céline.

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10.  Instant Dad
(Or, if you live where I do,  Instant Grand-Dad).

Call me a heretic, but not all of us are exactly thrilled at the prospect of going from zero to sixty, in five seconds.

Of course, all kinds of people tell me it’s not that bad, marrying into a family with grown kids.

But I can’t help but notice, they’re the ones who’ve already had the kids in the first place.
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11.  Toilet Seats
Up or down, I don’t care.¬†¬† I always check before I sit, and I have no pity for people who fall in, who don’t.

And this alone, for many women, is justifiable homicide.
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12. Deadbeat Dads
Seriously, once I had someone bring this up within the first 5 minutes of conversation.  She went on about how her no-good ex husband was behind on child-support payments.

(Lady, if  you were  trying to make me run for the hills, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!)

Look, I’m just trying to get to know you.¬†¬† I’m not quite ready to help pay for your teenagers’ college tuition.
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12. Screaming Free-Range Hippie Children
Lots of people I know have them.¬†¬†¬† All I have to do is visit for a weekend, and its’ like an inoculation.

I’m then immunized, and want nothing to do with pair-bonding and reproducing for the next 6 months.

(And I’m thankful for that).
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13.  SpongeBob Square Pants
I like to watch him.¬† But if was in a relationship, I’d probably get in shit for it, for being immature.

Then I’d be forced to watch something lame-ass like “So you think you can Yoga”.

And then I’d have to gouge my eyes out.
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14.  The Granola-Mother Anti-Friar Sisterhood Movement
Who will no doubt be brandishing pitchforks and torches after reading this post.

Not to mention, warning the entire female population to stay away the hell away from me.

Friar’s Tips for Ladies on how NOT to Attract Men.

August 3, 2009

Disclaimer: I’m just an average guy, and these are my average opinions.¬†¬† I do NOT claim to be an expert on women.¬†¬† Nor do I claim to be an expert on how opposite sexes attract each other.

But I do know what turns me on and turns me off.¬†¬†¬† And here’s what turns me off.

And I suspect that more than just a few guys would agree with me here.

PS.  Feel free to agree, or disagree.  Or even yell at me.

And if anyone wants to write a rebuttal post about things men do to turn off women, go right ahead. (I’m sure there’s plenty of material around.) ¬† ūüėČ

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1.  Insist on coming along on a Guys-Only  weekend
There are two types of weekend getaways:¬†¬† Same Sex-Weekends, where it’s just the girls or just the guys.¬†¬†¬† Or there are Couples Weekends (where everyone’s included).¬†¬†¬† But never the twain shall meet.

All it takes is one person from the opposite sex to show up, and it changes the whole dynamics, and puts a damper on everything.     Not to mention it makes your boyfriend looked whipped in front of his buddies.

So, if there’s a bunch of guys going on a fishing weekend, and you’re the only woman…for God’s sakes, STAY HOME.

Let the boys have their fun….next time, it will be your turn to have your girl’s weekend.


2.  Try to convert him to Vegetarian

I’m not saying that guys can’t be vegetarians.¬†¬†¬† But most of us are red-blooded, bush-whackin’, huntin’ and fishin’,¬† bacon-eatin’ Meatatarians.

(Nyarggh!)  (*Waves drumstick in the air*)

So try to convert us if you want.   Just realize that you stand to alienate a big chunk of the male population.


3.  Bring up your kids within the first 30 seconds of conversation.

We’re not stupid.¬†¬† If you’re past 30, we know it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ve already fulfilled your biological clock.¬†¬† And yes, we realize that your kids are the most important thing in your life, and that they come with the package.

But if we’ve just met… and you instantly mention your kids (especially with a “take it or leave it” tone of voice) that will send us running.

Geez…we’re not looking to co-chauffeur your kids to their next karate tournament just yet. ¬† We just want to talk to get to know you first:¬† as a person, not as Sippy-Cup Soccer-Mom.


4. Dress like a Dude

I see this at work all the time.¬†¬† “Femineers”, I call them.¬† Engineering “Womyn” or Managers who have a bee in their bonnet about being a female in a male-dominated profession.¬†¬† So they dress in He-Man Power Suits with NFL linebacker-sized padded shoulders to compensate.¬†¬† God forbid, should they ever show a trace of femininity.

Here’s a tip to you Femineers:¬†¬† Look, most of us don’t’ CARE what gender you are.¬† You’re just another co-worker like everyone else.

And furthermore, dressing like a Femineer does not help earn more respect.  It only brings more negative attention to yourself.   Because now we all know you have a chip on your shoulder with some kind of point to prove.


5.  Get a Dude-Cut
Guys generally like long hair on women. ¬†¬† Not that there’s anything wrong cutting it short.¬† But at least try to make it look feminine. (Jamie Lee Curtis, for example,¬† manages to pull it off quite nicely).

But too many ladies in their 40’s, for some reason, opt for the Uni-sex Dude-Cut.¬†¬† It’s like an alarm bell goes suddenly goes off in their head: “Oooh, look.¬† I’ve turned 40.¬†¬† I no longer have to worry about how I look…let’s cut off the tresses, and go for something that takes zero-maintenance.”

This especially does wonders for your appearance if you’re overweight.¬†¬† Nothing like making your head look even smaller, in comparison to the large size of your body.

Watch it, ladies.¬† You’re on a slippery slope:¬†¬† The Dude-Cut is one step away from the Old-Bat Brush Cut that the 70 year-0ld Polyester Ladies like to wear to Bingo.

Next, you’ll be accessorizing with huge gaudy earrings.


6.   Get that dreaded bowl-cut.

You know…the one that looks like a mushroom-cap.¬†¬† Where apparently they put a bowl over your head, and cut around the edges.

Okay…WHO came up with this one?

Because I can tell you, there’s not a GUY on the planet who finds this hairstyle attractive.

(In fact, there’s a whole bunch of derogatory jokes that goes along with this look…and I wont’ go there…)


7.  Shave your Head
This one is even better. ¬† Unless you’re doing this to show support for a friend who’s going through chemo,¬† this is NOT a good message to send to the opposite sex.

Not unless you want to tell men:   Back right off.

Because (provided we don’t’ work in a CD store or a tattoo parlor), we will.

8.¬† If you’re obese, get a Fat-Chick Blouse
I dunno what fashion design genius came up with these horrible things.   But if you want to look 30 pounds heavier,  just get one of those uni-sex Fat-Chick Blouses.

They’re typically made of straight-jacket surplus canvas,¬† and come¬† in unflattering dull colors.¬†¬† With lots of extra pockets and buttons and epaulets and assorted attachments, etc…¬† I think they used to be tents or something.

But there’s a by-law…you have to weigh over 250 lbs. to own one.¬†¬† You might as well wear a neon sign saying “Hey, lookit me, everyone, I have a weight problem.”

And before anyone yells at me for being insensitive, I sympathize.¬† Believe me, I do.¬†¬† Because I don’t’ exactly have Abs of Steel myself.

But you won’t catch me wearing a Speedo at the beach, because it ain’t flattering.

And neither  is a Fat-Chick Blouse.

Ladies, it doesn’t have to be this way.¬†¬† You can be large, but there’s plenty of nice clothing out there that will flatter you and make you look attractive.¬† Don’t sell yourself short.


9.  Practice several of the above.

For example, get a Dude-Cut and wear an asbestos pant-suit.

Then  start telling me why bacon is murder, while you invite yourself to my guys-only  camping trip.

Six Things about Valentine’s Day that Suck

February 12, 2009

1.¬† Drug-store Valentine’s chocolate
Ugh.¬†¬† Have you actually¬†TASTED ¬†that stuff?¬†¬†¬† Nothing but¬†brown wax flavored with high-fructose corn syrup.¬†¬† I’m just waiting for there to be a major recall, on¬†account of lead and¬†melanine.

2.  Valentines Day crap in the stores
Does anyone remember a time, when the stores WEREN’T decorated with red-ribbonned heart-shaped abominations starting January 2nd?¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†

Seems everything is merging into one major commercial¬†in the stores.¬†¬†¬†Starting with Halloween crap in August… followed by¬†Christmas crap¬† in October….followed by Valentines crap, then Easter crap.

The factories in China must be running overtime to churn out all this junk.   

3. It’s sexist
Look at all the ads in the media, and the store displays.   Look at all the frilly frou-frou flowers and rose petal/perfume gift ideas. 

Hmmm…any guesses who all this is FOR?¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†(Where are the ads for power tools, beer,¬†cars and big steak dinners?).¬†¬†

¬†It’s so obvious, this holiday is NOT for¬†us guys (except to shell out all the money to pay for¬†all these gifts).¬†¬†

4.¬† It’s a conspiracy to make us men look bad
Not only are we the ones expected to buy the gifts, but it has to be the most unique, personal, heart-felt creative gift in the whole world.    A gift that will make a woman weep tears of joy and that will be remembered forever.   

And don’t forget…it has to be a different original gift…each and every year.¬†¬† (Talk about pressure!)¬†¬† And if we guys screw up, it’s the perfect excuse to call us insensitive and inconsiderate.

Flowers and candy?   (You might as well ask to sleep on the couch!)   No.  Prepare yourself to give your lady 3-hour backrubs, vacuum the house, scrub the toilets, and cook her a 6-course dinner while serenading her with a sonnet you wrote yourself, while playing the lute.  

5.   Mushy Bloggers
It’s already starting.¬†¬† The self-appointed¬†poets and oracles¬† are starting to quote romantic literature and fill the¬†Blogosphere’s¬† with¬†estrogen-filled sugary-sweet anedcotes about¬†soul-mates and how much they adore their cat.¬†¬† ¬†And it’s only gonna increase, until it reaches a¬†peak on the 14th.¬†¬†

¬†(Oh…my pancreas!¬†¬† Where’s my insulin?)

Note to self:  Stay AWAY from the computer on Feb. 14th.    Unless I want to be in a diabetic coma.

 6.  Way to exclude half the planet
For those of us who are either¬† single, divorced, widowed, broken up, or¬†on the verge of breaking up…Bah!¬† Humbug!

¬†Hey, we’re not complaining that we’re alone.¬†¬†But is it REALLY necessary to bombard us with constant reminders that we’re not in a happy relationship, and haven’t found our soul-mate?¬†¬†¬†

I propose we start a¬†Singles’ Day, and celebrate¬†our OWN holiday.