Posted tagged ‘romance’

Excerpts from On-Line Dating Ads That Make Thank My Lucky Stars That I’m still SIngle

December 1, 2011

“I wish to live a true love relationship with all its joys and its challenges, and feel the openness of my partner’s heart… Being able to communicate at a deep level who we are, where we’re at and how we feel, and be received and understood. “

Oh..Geez. You’re not one of those women who are constantly asking “Tell me what you’re thinking about right now.”….are you?

************************

“My cat Cashemere, is all white with pink ears, and he is very good boy; I love him and he welcomes me home when I open the door; he brings a smile on my face at all times. I hope to meet that kind man who would love Cashemere as well. “

Hmm…sounds like a match. When is Cashmere available to go out on a date?

************************

“i amromantic and passioni believe on honesty and like everyone have days and bad but i love to talk about that too the is more about me to find out in time i am looking for a honestand loving man who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies and so muct iwould likre the man to know that we can talk about anyhing and yes he has to believe in family value . i am looking for a man that enjoy;s life.”

Finally! A passioni woman who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies. And who believes in family value.

And I like the way she replaces periods with i’s.

***********************

“Moderately tattooed redhead with a passion for health and wellness and arts and culture…”

Ummm…define “moderately tattooed”.

Because by today’s standards, that might mean you only still have your eyelids intact.

***********************

“YES im looking for man that he is nice,understand ,loving humble,caring a good relation with the lord and he good job and sweet prson. And i want that he is resposeble man and i want he is also good to my friend and families ,and most specially hard working . “

This look good match. I am man is nice and I good job. Also caring with the lord.

And you can ask my friends….I am a VERY resposeble person.

***********************

“will what i am looking for my partner or ideal man in life is hes honest from head to foot to me if i accept you as you are just because of your not just because your good looking and good talking”

Good Lord. I think my brain just burst a blood vessel trying to read this sentence.

***********************

“I truly believe: Laughter is the best medicine. Good things come to those who wait.
There is a lesson in everything that happens and everything happens for a reason.
The only thing in life that is constant is change. Good things come in small packages – like me!!! “

Ah, I see you must have taken that night class in “Hackneyed Cliches 101”

PS. No offense, but based on your photo, I would not exactly say you come in a “small” package.

***********************

“I work in the fitness and hospitality industries so I feel that I do have my fingers on the pulse of the mainstream. Not sure if that’s such a good thing, but I digress….”

I’m not sure if that’s such a good thing either.  Or a bad thing.  In fact, I’m not sure what the heck you’re talking about, period.

***********************

“I am grateful to have a lots of friend and to go shopping with them.”

Like, you know…even if you’re like, 48,  like your ad says, it’s always, like, cool to go to the mall with your friends and shop.

And, like, OMG, there’s a sale on at the Gap today. I am SO there!

***********************

“…Watching movies, sports, going to see my Dad in Niagara (oh ya, a car is a must).”

Let me get this straight.

You basically want me to play chauffeur, so we can go visit your DAD?

(Oh, be still my beating heart!)

***************************

“Hi,  I can describe myself as a good looking single female that doesn’t put so much emphasis on people’s looks but what comes with it…”

Then why did you write that you were good-looking, in your first sentence?

*********************

Listed under “For Fun”:  “Christian girl who loves God passionately! Serving Him is my # 1 priority.”

That’s what you honestly put down, what you like to do for FUN?

REALLY?

Well, at least that helps explain why you’re still single.

************************

“looking to meet new people …and maybe a long lasting relation ..long term.. loser stay away and liers to…”

Good thing she provides this warning.   Because I can just picture it:  hundreds men, on the verge of responding to this ad, and asking themselves:

“Am I a loser? Hmmm….wait…OMG! Yes I am! And she told me to stay away! Phew! That was close!   Good thing I caught myself on time and didn’t answer back!”

***********************

“I am a good listener..and find myself providing counsel and advice even to my ex’s on occasion…true! “

Just a suggestion. But maybe if you listened a little bit LESS…and stopped being a therapist to your exes, it might help your dating situation and you wouldn’t have to post ads here.

***********************

” I love paintings-my favourite painter is Marc Chagall; reading books on Jewish Mysticism-Abraham Heschel and Martin Buber and Eastern Mysticsm; ‘seeing tons of sensitive movies- The Thin Red Line, Sophie’s Choice, Never Cry Wolf, Dr.Zhivago; meditative music-Enya, Bjork, Philip Glass, Yo Yo Ma, but also blues music-Stevie Ray Vaughn”

WOW.  Ms. Perfesser.

As for me, I like to watch SpongeBob

***********************

“I am faithful and loyal to partners who supply lots of emotional and finacial security, sexual diversity and intellecutal challenge”

Well, we’re in luck, then. Because my finacial investments are sound, and I consider myself quite the intellecutal.

***********************

“Volunteering has become a larger part of my life over the past year. This has been a selfish pleasure for me as I feel in some way that I am making a small difference in the world. “

A “selfish pleasure”?

Mother Theresa, get OVER yourself.

You know, you could just say “I like to volunteer”.

***********************

I’m not into head games or drama, so please move on to the next profile if you are! “

I’m moving on..but not because I”m into head games or drama.

But because this is the shittiest most negative first sentence in a dating ad I’ve ever read.

By the way, carry baggage, much?

***********************

“Being healthy is importan to me. This does not mean that I will not dive into a bowl of my favorite ice cream once in a while, it means that I have choices and often I realize that it is a good choice to eat smarter and exercise regularily.”

Ahh…a nutrition lesson.

That’s EXACTLY the type of turn-on that us guys look for in these ads.

***********************

“I’m a 39 yo woman who knows want and doesn’t want in life Not much into conventionnal sport.My sport that i.m involved in is balooning(hot air ballooon). I love being in nature to resource myself and relaxing.”

I’m a 47 yo old man who doesn’t know WTF you’re talking about.

If English is not your first language, I suggest you have a friend help you write your ad.

***********************

“My ideal match would be some one who cares about me for me.  Not looking for ANY THING THEY CAN;T OFFER THATS OK NO PRESSURE.”

Wow…I already feel like I’ve gotten in shit with you, and we haven’t even gone on a first date yet.

***********************

“My idea match is someone looking to have a realationship with no head games and no dishonesty.”

That’s a wonderful outlook.    Keep reaching for the stars.  Don’t settle for second-best.   And you’ll find your idea soul-mate in no time!

Advertisements

Six Things about Valentine’s Day that Suck

February 12, 2009

1.  Drug-store Valentine’s chocolate
Ugh.   Have you actually TASTED  that stuff?    Nothing but brown wax flavored with high-fructose corn syrup.   I’m just waiting for there to be a major recall, on account of lead and melanine.

2.  Valentines Day crap in the stores
Does anyone remember a time, when the stores WEREN’T decorated with red-ribbonned heart-shaped abominations starting January 2nd?     

Seems everything is merging into one major commercial in the stores.   Starting with Halloween crap in August… followed by Christmas crap  in October….followed by Valentines crap, then Easter crap.

The factories in China must be running overtime to churn out all this junk.   

3. It’s sexist
Look at all the ads in the media, and the store displays.   Look at all the frilly frou-frou flowers and rose petal/perfume gift ideas. 

Hmmm…any guesses who all this is FOR?     (Where are the ads for power tools, beer, cars and big steak dinners?).  

 It’s so obvious, this holiday is NOT for us guys (except to shell out all the money to pay for all these gifts).  

4.  It’s a conspiracy to make us men look bad
Not only are we the ones expected to buy the gifts, but it has to be the most unique, personal, heart-felt creative gift in the whole world.    A gift that will make a woman weep tears of joy and that will be remembered forever.   

And don’t forget…it has to be a different original gift…each and every year.   (Talk about pressure!)   And if we guys screw up, it’s the perfect excuse to call us insensitive and inconsiderate.

Flowers and candy?   (You might as well ask to sleep on the couch!)   No.  Prepare yourself to give your lady 3-hour backrubs, vacuum the house, scrub the toilets, and cook her a 6-course dinner while serenading her with a sonnet you wrote yourself, while playing the lute.  

5.   Mushy Bloggers
It’s already starting.   The self-appointed poets and oracles  are starting to quote romantic literature and fill the Blogosphere’s  with estrogen-filled sugary-sweet anedcotes about soul-mates and how much they adore their cat.    And it’s only gonna increase, until it reaches a peak on the 14th.  

 (Oh…my pancreas!   Where’s my insulin?)

Note to self:  Stay AWAY from the computer on Feb. 14th.    Unless I want to be in a diabetic coma.

 6.  Way to exclude half the planet
For those of us who are either  single, divorced, widowed, broken up, or on the verge of breaking up…Bah!  Humbug!

 Hey, we’re not complaining that we’re alone.  But is it REALLY necessary to bombard us with constant reminders that we’re not in a happy relationship, and haven’t found our soul-mate?   

I propose we start a Singles’ Day, and celebrate our OWN holiday.