Posted tagged ‘small town humor’

No Soup for Me!

November 3, 2008

Grrrr. I’m on a roll here….

Just when I thought customer service around here couldn’t get any STUPIDER….!

Pardon me while I rant.     But I went to Tim Horton’s after my art class this evening.   I hadn’t eaten, I was hungry.

I wanted to order the mushroom soup/sandwich combo.

But they ran out.

Not that this would normally be a big deal.

But (for those of you South of the Border), Tim Horton’s is a major donut chain in Canada.  You’d think they’d have their OWN SOUP in stock.

Especially since the store is located on the busiest and only highway that runs through the entire region.

And ESPECIALLY since the mushroom soup just recently came out, and there’s been an a NATION-WIDE ADVERTISING BLITZ!     Ads everywhere, telling us “Come try our new new country mushroom soup”   It’s on billboards.  On TV.  Radio.   Everywhere.

It was even on a big soup poster in the store I was in.

But they were out.

They told me the soup only lasts for 12 hours.  After that , they have to throw it out.

(Well….?)    MAKE @#%#ing  MORE, THEN!

Some of you might say, Oh Friar, it was pretty late.  Maybe they shut down their kitchen.

But what the hell?  And it was 9:10 PM. (Did that mean they started their soup at 9 AM for breakfast?).


I re-iterate: MAKE @#%#ing MORE…!

This is the same donut store, by the way, that’s been known to sometimes run out of DONUTS after a certain time.

Also, the same donut store that the truckers used to stop at until very recently.

Except that the local cops had started giving them tickets for stopping their rigs on the side of the road.   So now the truckers go eat down the road and the Grease-Tree Restaurant, where they’re allowed to park.

I swear…businesses here just DON’T WANT TO SUCCEED!

Anyway, since I couldn’t have my soup, I tried a sandwich.

But before I ordered, they told me anything with chicken (like a club sandwich ) was also unavailable.   Because they’re out of chicken.

For #$*& Sakes.

Only in Splat Creek.

I ended up having just a bagel and coffee.  (At least they still had THOSE…)

And as I ate, I got to watch images of steaming mushroom soup being poured into a bowl, being played over and over, in an endless-do-loop on the video screen by their front counter.

What a nice touch, THAT was.

Only in Splat Creek Ontario (*)…

July 31, 2008

(*) Note:  Based on an earlier post.

…Can you go to a picnic area after work, and meet two drunken yahoos who invite you to drink beer with them, fire BB pellets at cans, and teach you how to throw a hunting knife at trees so that the blade sticks in.

…Will the only major Burger King within 30 miles refuse to sell you hamburgers, because their “grill is broken”.

…Can you personally email a restaurant manager about the poor service you received, and the next day get scolded by people all over town, who tell you that you “oughtn’t to have complained like that”.

…Will fellow fishermen act so friendly at the dock, that they’re not the least bit shy about taking a piss where they’re standing, three feet away from you.

…Will the only donut franchise on a 100 mile stretch of highway run out of DONUTS after 8:00 PM.

…Will the only Chip Wagon (located next to the main park and soccer field) close at 6:00 PM during peak summer hours.  (Actually, I heard if you showed up at 5:50 PM, the owner would grumble at you about it being almost closing time).

…Will the Town Library stay open all day, but close between 5:00 PM-7:00 PM,  just when everyone is getting home from work.

…Can you buy Baby Formula at the Cheezi-Mart, but when your kids are weaned and you stop buying it, the store manager gives you shit. (Because you should have TOLD him…now he has stuff back-ordered.)

…Will you find a video store that sorts its movies chronologically rather than alphabetically.   (Good luck trying to find a movie unless you know what year it was made in.)

…Will the local restaurant refuses to give you a table for the buffet because you didn’t “reserve”, even though the place is 90% empty and nobody is waiting in line.

…Can people living in a small town of 4,000 feel superior to the people living in the adjacent village of 900.

…Can you drive through the bush, and meet a Grizzly Adams look-alike wearing combat pants and hunting boots, who invites you to his shack for supper, offers you beer, and (if you want), some weed.

…Can you write a Letter to the Editor to the local paper, and then have some old retired fart harass you on the phone, and try to come by your house to talk to you, because he doesn’t agree with what you said.

Friar versus the Gray Heads (Part V)…A Possible Truce?

June 14, 2008

Since my last report  about  my on-going battle with the local grey-heads, nothing much has happened.  Three consecutive issues of the Splat Creek Chronicle have been printed, and nothing has been said about me.

It looks like some people might have finally gotten a life, and/or have found something else to bitch about in the paper.

So is this major kerfuffle over?   Has a truce been declared?   I can only hope….

But I think the damage has been done.   My reputation has apparently been tainted.   Dear me.    

The other day, in a bar/restaurant, I wanted to buy a beer.  The bartender pointed me out as “The Letter Writer”.


The way he said it, it might as well have been “Baby-Seal Killer”.    

“Oh, that’s the Letter Writer!”  he said. “Hey, Lenny, that’s him…Come and check him out!”.    And then the cook came to see who I was.  And started to make snarky jokes with me.   We both chatted politely, but I could tell he was pissed off at me.   


Several times that evening, whenever I went up to the bar, the cook made a point to look back at me and make another snarky comment.

You really gotta love this town.  

That same day, I was also told by someone else that I shouldn’t write any more letters.  They’re tired of pointing me out to other people.  

And a colleague from the office warned me to never write a letter to the editor about the golf course.   Because a lot of the managers golf here, and if I upset them, it could affect my career. 

Nice to see that Freedom of Speech is alive and well in the Splat Creek Valley.

All this, because I dared question the customer service of some of this town’s merchants.

One sympathetic friend told me that this will stick with me for years.    He also had written some letters to the paper, years ago, and he went througth the same thing.

Oh well.  I guess I’ll just have to wait till the next person pisses off the town even more, before this blows over. 

In the meantime, I’m going to breakfast at the local restaurarant. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must change into sack-cloth and ashes.