Posted tagged ‘Those Vikings…’

Viking Training: Wii are the Warriors

January 21, 2010

One bright winter day in the village SmelBaäd, there was a knock on Clöst Aerfrök’s door.

“Why, it’s the Traveling Kilted One!”, he cheerfully exclaimed.   “To what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?”

.

“I come bringing a gift:  a new way to train your warriors to fight.”, said the Kilted One.  “It’s called “Wii.”

“We?”, asked Clöst.

“Wii.”, replied the Kilted One.

“Wee?”

“No…Wii.”

“Whee?”

“No! No! ….Wii!   Wait an minute and you’ll Sii…er, I mean see.”

“Behold!  Imaginary enemies, on the magic viewing screen!   You can fight them over and over, and keep honing your battle skills.”

Before anyone could say anything, the Berserker rushed forward and cried “Enemies!!!  NYARRRRGH!!!!”, and smashed the screen with his mace.

“I win!!!”,  he  exclaimed, as he gleefully continued to pound the pieces into the ground.

“You…you FOOLS!!!”,  screamed the Kilted One.   “Those enemies weren’t REAL!  It was a simulation!   You were supposed to have fought them with imaginary swords, using these special Wii controls!”


“Sword fight, eh?”, asked Lars.   “Well, why didn’t you say so.  That we DO understand!”      Then he and Hagörf grabbed the controllers, and proceeded to duel with them.

“Though I don’t see the point of this…there is no cutting edge, and these strange devices break when we smash them together!”

Meanwhile, the Kilted One stood there, at a loss for words.

“Hey!”, cried the Berserker.    “There are more of these Wee things in the bag.”

“And look…instead of using them as swords, it’s just as much fun to smash them on your head!”

Hyargen!  Hyargen! Hyargen!“, laughed Lars and Hagörf.

“Give us some!  Let us ALL smash them on our heads!”.

Which they proceeded to do, until there was nothing left intact in the Kilted One’s bag.

“O Kilted One,  that was a strange game, but FUN!”, said the Berserker.   “What will you bring us next visit?”

“Groan.”,  replied the Kilted One.

“Come”, Clöst said sympathetically.  “I think you need a draft of ale.  Or three.   Believe me, that’s the only thing that helps in these situations.”

“It was a worthy idea.   But perhaps this new technology is a bit too delicate and too sophisticated for the average Viking.”

Viking Schussing

January 9, 2010

The Vikings Versus the Eldâr KrΦnes, Part II.

December 10, 2009

When we last left our Viking friends in Part I,  the Eldâr-KrΦnes had taken over the village of SmelBaäd, and the villagers were quite upset.   They had demanded Olaf Thunderfröck, their Chieftain, do something about it.

Olaf knew this was a delicate matter, as the Viking Code forbade them to use force against the frail, doddering old KrΦnes.   He knew he must first seek counsel with Clöst Aerfrök, the Village Elder.

“O, Worthy Clöst!  You who are so wise such matters.  How are we to rid the village of these cursed Eldâr-KrΦnes?”

“By Odin!  That is a not an easy question to answer”, said Clöst.    “Let me search through the tribal records of Viking Knowledge, and I shall have a solution by morning”.

And well into the early ours of the morning, did Clöst pore over pages and pages of old sagas, records, spells and charms.

“Let’s see….I think I’ve found something…Eldar KrΦnes…also known as Oöld Phårtes…related to the bat family.   From the old legends, miserable in their youth, never knew laughter….doomed by the Gods to walk the Earth as older versions of the same….. Can only be controlled by….yes..yes!   I think I see know!   Fenrir be praised! I’ve GOT IT!!!”

At dawn, Clöst came to the village square and excitedly started giving instructions.

“You!  Young lad!  Gather your friends!  I want you all to behave as jackasses.   Be loud. Be obnoxious.  Pull your pants down.   Curse as much as you want, using the worst language possible.

“But my Mother told me a Viking should never curse, until at least after breakfast”, the young man said.

“Never mind.   Tell your Mother you have my permission.   Just DO IT!”

“…And you, women!”, Clöst continued.   ” Assemble as much pungent lutefisk, pickled eggs, and ale you can.   Men!  I want you FEAST! ”

“But this hardly seems like a time to celebrate and get drunk”, exclaimed one of the wives.

“No time to explain…”, said Clöst.   “You shall have to trust me..just DO IT”.

Soon, the children were following Clöst’s instruction to a tee, parading around the square, and indeed behaving like jackasses.

Young Gunnar started crying “Yo! Yo! Yo!” with a pot on his head, with his pants pulled down.   His friends started following suit.

And this did not please the Eldâr-KrΦnes.

“Shocking!”, scolded one.

“Such lack of respect”, hissed the other.

Then, the children started their swearing.

“Fjörk you!”  “Kyúnge!”  “Eat my Skyärthang!”s

“My word”, exclaimed the first KrΦne.    “Such filth!”

“Children today”, said the second.   “What shall become of us?”

Meanwhile, the men were actively involved in their feast, enjoying their food and drink as Vikings normally do.

And soon the pickled eggs and lutefisk began to take its effect.

“Pull my finger”, said Läars.

“No, pull MINE”, said Kyevin.

“Let as ALL pull our fingers!”

And soon the air was clapping with Viking Thunder.

“Such manners!”,  seethed a KrΦne

“Atrocious!”, fumed another.  “My word, I don’t know how much more I can stand of this!”

Suddenly,  Bjorgolf the Berserker looked pale, and said “I do not feel so good.   Perhaps I had too much ale”.

“Hmph, serves you right.”  the lead KrΦne said.

“No, seriously, I do not feel so good.  You better stand back”

“Land sakes.   I will do no such thing”

But before anyone could say anything, The Berserker let loose an rip-roaring, earth-shattering, sky-rendering Viking BURP…the likes of which would be worthy of Thor himself!

This was the final straw, too much for even the Eldâr-KrΦnes to bear.    And how could they?   Not being Vikings, they had no idea of how to deal with Berserkers.

“Well, I NEVER!”, screeched one.

“Me, neither!”, chimed another.

“I will have no part of such vulgarity!”, seethed a third.

And suddenly, the Eldâr-KrΦnes returned to the cold, north sea, from whence they came, cursing and grumbling the whole time.

“Tell all your friends about us….if you have any.” taunted the villagers.   “And don’t come back!”

Later that night, at the celebration bonfire,  Olaf asked Clöst:  “How did you know?”.

“Once I found the answer, it was easy”, Clöst laughed.   “According to the Legend, Eldâr-KrΦnes despise youth,  vulgar behaviour, and rude table manners”.   And being Vikings, our village has an abundance of all three.   It was a just matter of letting our true nature show, and the problem solved itself.”

And the rejoicing, pillaging and burning went well into the night.

And life was good again, in the Village of SmelBaäd.

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The Vikings Versus the Eldâr-KrΦnes, Part I.

November 27, 2009

One sunny day, at the shore of the Northern Sea, by the village of SmelBaäd, young Bjarni noticed a strange disturbance in the water.

“By Loki! “, he exclaimed.   “There seems to be some hideous creature rising from the deep!  What is it?”

“Why…I cannot believe my eyes! ”  his father said.  “I have heard of these….it’s an Eldâr-KrΦne!   Quick, we must run to warn the others!”

Soon afterwards, more and more of the Eldâr-KrΦnes emerged from the sea, and made their way towards the unspecting village village.

And soon they began to take over.

In no time at all, travel became difficult, if not impossible.   The Eldâr-KrΦnes blocked all routes with monstrous carts that they had somehow acquired, which they drove at less than walking speed.

“How am I supposed to invade the Celts on time, with this grandomther in my way?”, grumbled Æskole.

Commerce ground to a halt and children went hungry.  The Eldâr-KrΦnes crowded the local merchants, and took forever to buy something.  And when they did, they insisted on paying with hundreds of almost worthless copper coins.

Village security was at risk.   The Warrior-Men were weak from lack of food, and could not concentrate on their practice-jousting, as they were constantly hissed at to be quiet.

Youngsters were forced to listen to long rambling tales of Yore, and were literally bored to tears.    In exchange, they were offered rancid sweets, which threatened to break their young teeth.

As the Eldâr-KrΦnes continued their ruthless invasion, life in SmelBaäd become more difficult.

The villagers were  concerned, and approached Olaf Thunderfröck, the Chieftain.

“These grayish being are making life unbearable!”, they cried.    “Cannot you do something about it?”

“I say, burn and pillage them!   Send them to Valhalla!”, said Fjolkman the Fishmonger.

“No, better yet!  Let us make drinking goblets out of their skulls!!!” screamed Bjorgolf the Bererker, and let out a mighty “…NYARGGHH!”

“I would gladly do so, but you know we cannot”, explained Olaf.   “These demon-creatures…they have special powers.  They are cunning, yet they dodder and appear frail and old.   And our Viking Code thus prevents us from harming them. ”

“But they disrupt our village, torment our children, and tell us to keep off our own grasses and fields! ”

“Agreed, but what would you have me do?”, asked Olaf.  “We  cannot use force…we are powerless against their evil magic”.

Suddenly, a young voice cried out:

“But look what they did to Ursaäl!”

It was young Bjarni, pointing to the Village Bear.

“They knitted that horrid outfit, forced Ursaäl to wear it, and now they’ve made him CRY!”

“Noooo!”, someone gasped.

“The horror!”, a mother exclaimed.

Bjorgolf the Bererker was furious.   “Clearly, those cursed Eldâr-KrΦnes have gone too far!  No one messes with the Village Bear, except us!   …NO ONE!”

“Aye…Viking Code or not, this brings the battle to a whole new level”, Olaf agreed.

“Clearly, we’re going to have to take drastic measure to rid the village for these Gray Ones, once and for all.   But first, I must seek counsel…”

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END OF PART I

What will Olaf do?
How will the Vikings get rid of the Eldâr-KrΦnes?
Will poor Ursaäl need therapy?

STAY TUNED FOR PART II..!!

Vikings Versus Dinosaurs

June 7, 2009

Who’s wining?

I call it a draw….

Vikings Vs Dinosaurs

A Very Viking Spring

March 24, 2009

“Lo, the Feast of Equinox is nigh”, the Village Elder said.   “Let us celebrate”.

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And there was much rejoicing and feasting, and many games were played.

Only the bravest dared try “Let’s-Wake-Ursåal, the Sleeping Bear”…

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…this was enthusiastically followed by the Tradiational Slapping of the Frozen Lutefisk.

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The lovely village maidens did a splendid dance around the Purple Pole of the Fallen Skull-Warrior.   The men watched on, shouting much encouragement.

viking-spring-4Finally, the day drew to a close, with the mandatory burning and pillaging.

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A good time was had by most.

The Viking Little Destruction Book

November 7, 2008

Try to spill at least two quarts of blood every week.

To control your temper, remember to count to ONE.

Learn to smash something beautiful with your hands.

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Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses.   Just storm their castle, and take their stuff anyway.

Encourage your children to learn sword-play, as soon as they are weaned.

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Be meaner than necessary.

Try to eat something besides read meat.  There is also bacon, ham, mutton, and if need be, fish.

Spend less time worrying about who’s right and who’s wrong.  Just SMASH.

Collect Thor Comics.

If Life hands you lemons, STOMP ON ‘EM!

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Never cut off what can be torn off.

Support the local economy.  Pillage nearby merchants, even if it costs a little bit more.

Never use profanity.   Except when fighting, pillaging, drinking, and speaking.

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Don’t expect money to bring you happiness.  There is also loot, women, grog and banquets.

Avoid burning bridges.  But if you must, also cut down and burn all surrounding trees, so that the bridge can’t be rebuilt.

Don’t expect life to be fair.  MAKE IT fair!

When you’re a guest, compliment your host on the meal, before you take their loot.

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Hear both sides equally, before going berserk.

When there’s no time for a work-out, bench press your Drakaar.

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Never forget to rekindle old pillage fires.

Instead of using the word “problem”, yell out “NYARRRGH!” and swing your battle-axe at something.

Have someone read you a book.

If there is a last slice of pizza, just TAKE it.

When undecided what color to paint a room, burn it down.

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Street musicians are a treasure…stop and listen.  If they amuse you, let them live.  IF not, slay them and take their coins, which are now rightfully yours.

Equal pay, for equal pillage.

When your wife and you have an argument, don’t get angry.   Instead, step outside, take a deep breath, and invade England.

Never underestimate the power of a kind sword.

When a child falls and skins their knee,  take them gently into your lap, tell them to stop crying, and to suck it up and take one for Odin.

Opportunity can knock very softly…learn to listen for it.   Then smash the door down!

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You never get a second chance to make a first impression.   So if your first impression is not successful, then slay your new colleague.

Make a list of twenty-five things you want to do before you die.    Do them.  And then die.

And finally, ALWAYS be the BEST VIKING you know how to be.

Vikings Versus Pumpkins

October 31, 2008

Our drakkar set shore on the Cursed Land of the Yäck-O-Lantern.   The enemy had already spotted us.

They amassed in formidable numbers.   We prepared to do battle.

Our casualties were heavy at first.  Many of our brethren were sent to Valhalla.

Our Chieftain, Olaf ThunderFröck, blew the Sacred Hörn of Thunder to give us courage.

This excited the Berserker, and he inflicted much damage on the Orange Demon-Gourds.

The battle turned in our favor, and victory was imminent.

We made pies of their dead, and ate them on the feast of Samhain.

And there was much rejoicing.

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN! 😀

Vikings Invade the Playground

October 3, 2008

Yes, I know they’re not being very nice…

But what do you expect?   They’re VIKINGS….!   😉


– Friar

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Who are the People in Your Neighborhood?

August 21, 2008

There’s this meme going around, where you’re supposed to describe yourself by answering simple questions.

I don’t know who started it.   But the first I heard of it was from Steph.   Then Monika.

Of course, I couldn’t leave well enough alone.   I had to make my own version:

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I am:      Olaf the ThunderFröck, son of AelFrùd the Horrible.
I think:   It’s time to invade England.
I know:  Those Englishmen have a stash of booty hidden in their church, somewhere.
I have:   A broad-sword, and a battle-axe.  (Who among you, shall challenge me ?)
I hate:   Englishmen
I love:   Thumping and pummeling Englishmen.
I miss:  The Vinland
I fear:    (???)  I don’t understand.   What’s this word mean?
I hear:   The battle cries!….HNYARGGH!  Excuse me.  I must go burn and pillage now.

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I am:      Caillou, that whiny little cartoon character.
I think:    I’m an accident.
I know:   Mommy has a drinking problem, and Daddy’s been having an affair with the social worker.
I have:    A remarkably spherical head.
I miss:    Riding the Little School Bus with my Special-Ed classmates.
I hate: Making boom-boom in my Pull-Ups (like I just did now).
I love: Sippy cups, cheerios stuck up my nose, and cartoon characters even more obnoxious than me.
I fear: My lack of hair.   (Why am I bald?  Is it chemo?  Am I going to die?)
I hear: Mom and Dad arguing in the next room, over who gets stuck with me in the custody battle.

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I am: Tippy, a hyper-active Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever.
I think: I’d like to retrieve a BALL right now.
I know: There must be a BALL stashed around the house somewhere.
I have: A nose that can detect the odor of a rubber BALL, to within one part per billion.
I miss: When nobody is around to play with me and throw the BALL.
I hate: Cats, vacuum cleaners, and fireworks.
I love:   Swimming, and retrieving.  (Did I tell you I like to retrieve?)
I fear:    I have lost the BALL.  Wherezit?  Where?  Where?  OMG!  I must FIND IT FIND IT FIND IT.
I hear:   My masters’ car, ten miles away.  He’ll be here soon.  Maybe he’ll throw the BALL.  YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!

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I am:       Old Man McGillicuddy, the cranky old guy down the street. (That’s MISTER McGillicuddy, to you!)
I think:    Today’s young folks have it easy.  Not like WE had it, back in our day….
I know:   That I’m smarter than all you young folks think you are. .
I have: Way too much time on my hands.
I miss: MattLock.  Big Band Music.   Getting it up.
I hate:    Today’s music.  Today’s values.  Those damned kids who won’t stay off my manicured grass.
I love:    Hosing down my driveway.  Old-man hats.  Werther Originals.  Canary-colored golf pants.
I fear:     ATM’s.   Anything electronic.  And especially, driving more than 30 mph.
I hear:    Eh?   What’s that?  EH?

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I am:      Chinese Olympic Medalist.
I think: I better just do what I’m told
I know:   I would be in the salt mines, right now, if I hadn’t have won.
I have:    A gold medal.  Anything less would be unacceptable.
I miss:    My family.  But they promise I can see them again, now that I’ve won.
I hate:    Failure.   Like getting Silver, and being second-best in the world.
I love:     My country and winning and representing China (at least, that’s what I tell them).
I fear:     My coach.
I hear:    They’re looking for gymnastics coaches in the U.S.

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I am:      A Canadian Olympic discus thrower.
I think: I should just enjoy this while it lasts.
I know:  Nobody will remember me, after this is all over.
I have:   A positive attitude.  After all, isn’t the Olympics about doing your best and having fun? (I keep telling myself this).
I miss:    Tim Horton’s.
I hate:    Coming in 38th.   (Last Olympics, I made it at least as far as 36th).
I love:    Being able to get away from the crummy summer we’re having in Canada, and experiencing some warm weather for a change.
I fear:     That if talk too loudly about wanting to win, my fellow Canadians will scold me and accuse me of flag-waving.
I hear:    They’re hiring at Tim Horton’s.

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I am:      Fallopia Moonchild
I think:   Like, if we would just stop judging everyone, and accept each other’s energies and karma,  the world would be a better place, you know?
I know:  That the Republicans are large corporations are conspiring together to create global warming, to cause the extinction of the whales.
I have:   Multiple tattoos and face piercings.   And lots of free time on my hands.  (Even more than Old Man McGillicuddy).
I hate:    Stereotypes, racism, and negativity.   And also spiders in the bathtub.
I love:    All of humanity.   The vibrations of the Universe.  And granola.  Sweet crunchy granola.
I miss:   The sixties. (Too bad I was born in ’82).
I fear:    Having to shave my legs, and getting a job.
I hear:   The sound of my own inner drummer, beating to the pulse of Mother Earth.

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I am:      The Friar:  full-time engineer, part time smart-ass (or is it the other way around?)
I think:   I’m hungry.   When do we eat?
I know:   Shit floats,  you can’t push a rope, and water flows downhill.  Aside from that…not much else.
I have:    An attitude problem. (Seriously…someone ought to give me a good talking to.)
I miss:    Playground swing-sets before they got all fucked up and were made too “safe”.
I hate:    Lima beans.   Asshole squirrels.  And the Berenstain Bears.
I love: Red meat.  Southpark.  Large-mouth bass.   And making hamburger out of sacred cows.
I fear:    Evil Cirque de Soleil clowns (Shudder).